Dealbreaker, am I right?

[Greenskybluegrass]

My BF of four months made a comment about my DD10 and now I need to end the relationship. I just need to check that I’m not overreacting.

BF hasn’t met my children, they don’t know about him. He stayed over Saturday night as my kids were away. On Sunday morning I was making him a quick piece of toast before he left (kids due back) and asked what he wanted on it, he said he wanted some of the Maltesers chocolate spread which was in a jar on the side.

I made a jokey comment about it how it “belonged” to DD10 (she’d chosen it in the shop) and that I hoped she wouldn’t notice.

He then said that he’d already tried it and when I took the lid off I could see that a bit more had gone. He said he’d helped himself with his finger and then he made a comment about DD10 “having a long man’s finger in her sweet pot (fnarr, fnarr)” which was a clearly sexualised comment. I replied with a shocked “That’s my ten year old daughter you’re talking about!” He then left and I think I need to end things because his comment has totally creeped me out.

(I've namechanged due to the content)

Go easy on yourself you've got good instincts
you spotted something was up and you went to the right place to ask for advice

OP please don't think badly of yourself.. when things sounded weird you reacted and quickly.. the earlier comments were the early days of meeting.. it's difficult to judge so soon.. please be kind to yourself and take some time to build your confidence back up... you did the right thing at the right time.. for you

Let us know if the police tell you anything, I hope nothing comes of this like, as I can't imagine how you would feel if he had a record

Take care op and as others have said good that you acted

It's not poor judgement at all. Who on earth could assume that a person could mean something like that seriously. The majority of people are definitely not like that, so why would you be looking out for such sick behaviour. It's definitely not you

Op there are sadly women out there who would ignore all the signs and would have introduced him to the children already. You have acted decisively and brought things to a swift end, you should be proud of yourself not berating yourself.

OP, I am sorry about your injury. That sounds stressful and scary.

Please don't make too much of a connection between these things - a lot of women ( / people) miss out on issues that retrospectively look like red flags.

A) he helps himself to your stuff (a finger, not even a spoon? Grim)
B) that's a vile comment you need to bin him.

And I agree, retrospectively things seem obvious but it doesn't make you have bad judgement for not grouping them together before...

Myself and my partner have a disturbingly messed up sense of humour and laugh about things that would horrify many people, but this is even beyond that. He seems quite calculated, but im glad he's not that 'on the ball' and has made these comments as it's raised alarm bells for you and allowed you the time to protect your family. I'm presuming you've told him where to go?

He sounds like an ex of mine. Truly frightening relationship after I split from my husband.
I was so vulnerable and he groomed me to within an inch of my life.
The gaslighting was immense and he'd have done exactly the same thing with the spread and made a lot of disturbing comments.
We'd been good friends for over ten years so it was a really confusing time.
I was broken but still able to challenge him and he kept spinning the truth and putting everything back on me.
I finally shook him off but felt I had had a real taste of a genuinelly evil person.

You have joined up all the pieces now. Even if he doesn't show up under a police search get him out of your life.

If slowly reducing contact is the way you feel safest then do that. The last thing you want is him turning up.

Don't feel bad. Anyone can be a target for a pervert. They are incredibly sneaky and well practiced at manipulating people.

Not only a creepy comment but then he leaves without argument. just weird and extremely suspicious.

Jeez! I've just read the other stuff he's said (I really must learn not to comment before I read the rest of these threads)!

Yuck! You're well rid!

Throw him away and buy a new pot of chocolate spread

God OP, I hope you are ok. Dont beat yourself up about not seeing the signs because you have stopped it now and there has been zero harm to your children. Just use this awful experience as a learning curve going forward. Never doubt yourself, you are rarely wrong.

Bullet dodged, OP. I think your judgement is pretty sound - you made sure, absolutely sure, that he got nowhere near your children. You protected them and now you're rid of him, and you told the police what he said too. You took the right steps. He does sound completely awful but you realised before he got any further into your life.

How are you doing now?

He is a total weirdo , luckily you picked up on it quickly. Apparently there are guys like this who deliberately seek out single mums with kids of a certain age so fir those who do on line dating, seems sneaky but don’t mention kids on profile

I'm ok thank you. I've ended things, I didn't tell him the real reason because if he is dodgy then it might make him cover his tracks better next time.

I feel a bit sad and empty as he seemed to adore me and it was a great ego boost (plus he was exceptionally good at sex) but I couldn't ever see him again.

I hope the sad and empty feeling doesn't last long for you
the adoration and being exceptionally good at sex ...well who wouldn't like that but they can be used to control you as well, make you feel emotionally bonded at an early stage so that you let down your guard
Yes I hate that we are so cynical these days but there you go, you have to protect yourself and be realistic
Take care OP😊

What a horrible man!! As the others said good he showed his true nature early on. Thank goodness he did not meet your DD. Lucky escape

OP, well done. You put your children’s safety first - and trust me, not all mothers do. My many years of working with children has shown me that.

Even if this man is not a sex offender, his comment showed an appalling lack of respect for you and your DD, which would only have worsened over time. No amount of love bombing or good sex would make that better.

If you want a relationship, I’m sure you’ll find one. I’m just so glad you didn’t settle for this one. Be good to yourself.

Another one checking in to say WELL DONE! You have done the right thing. Hope you feel better soon. Good for you, for keeping your child safe.