Dealbreaker, am I right?

[Greenskybluegrass]

My BF of four months made a comment about my DD10 and now I need to end the relationship. I just need to check that I’m not overreacting.

BF hasn’t met my children, they don’t know about him. He stayed over Saturday night as my kids were away. On Sunday morning I was making him a quick piece of toast before he left (kids due back) and asked what he wanted on it, he said he wanted some of the Maltesers chocolate spread which was in a jar on the side.

I made a jokey comment about it how it “belonged” to DD10 (she’d chosen it in the shop) and that I hoped she wouldn’t notice.

He then said that he’d already tried it and when I took the lid off I could see that a bit more had gone. He said he’d helped himself with his finger and then he made a comment about DD10 “having a long man’s finger in her sweet pot (fnarr, fnarr)” which was a clearly sexualised comment. I replied with a shocked “That’s my ten year old daughter you’re talking about!” He then left and I think I need to end things because his comment has totally creeped me out.

(I've namechanged due to the content)

All of the nope.

Bin him.

Gross.

You genuinely need to check you’re not over-reacting?

You're absolutely right OP, bin this guy for lack of hygiene and...well, words fail me for just how revolting his comment was BUT - when dumping him, will you explain exactly what was wrong with what he said? He may be incredibly thick and immature and just not appreciate what was wrong. If you can get even a little sense into that numbskull you will have done the world a favour.

But mostly - bin him!

Bin him and the spread, what a twat

gross

That's made me feel physically sick. Get rid of him immediately.

OH MY GOSH!!! Get rid of that creep. Who even thinks that's acceptable to say!!
I would never allow that sort of man ever to anywhere near my daughter!!!

I very much doubt he's a pedo but nothing you've said suggests that he is remotely nice or that you want him in your life or your daughter's

Your instinct is right, no overreaction: he’s gross.

He's really not thick at all. He's very intelligent, which is weird. He can be socially awkward and says he's on the autistic spectrum, which is why I needed a bit of other people's opinion just to make sure there's no way this comment could ever be excused.

Eww gross and worrying. Bin.

Bin the spread, get her a new jar

Bin the "man" what an absolute skin-crawling thing to say about a child.

Sorry OP, he is beyond vile...

Silver lining: you found out early what he's like.

That's repulsive. Your instinct is spot on.

Nobody is going to tell you that you are overreacting - because you're not. That's disgusting. Just shows you his mindset, I couldn't ever imagine dh making a comment like that. Grim

being autistic doesnt explain the comment at all. really not ok autism or not.

"says he's on the autistic spectrum"

He could be lying. I've known a few people who've claimed that in an attempt to get away with being horrible in one way or another, and I've heard other people reporting the same thing.

It's like, as awareness of it has grown, abusers - and lower-level twats - have latched onto it as a get-out-of-taking-any-responsibility-free card. As if they just have to say the word "autistic", and that means they have a right to be forgiven anything they do.

One of the upsides of being autistic myself is that I have a pretty good sense of what's autistic inappropriateness and what isn't.

And "you don't make sexual comments about children under any circumstances" is a very straightforward thing for anyone to understand, so I don't buy the autism explanation at all.

All of which is not to say he couldn't be both autistic and and a foul person. But in regards to this particular way of being foul, he'll have chosen it, because his messed-up values - whatever they are, I dread to think - don't exclude it.

And I don't blame you for wanting to check, OP.

I usually manage to react properly at the time, but after incidents like this I feel blindsided and disoriented for quite a while.

There's something about the person's certainty that it's fine for them to behave so badly that really gets to me.

No excuse. I would message and say his comment was unacceptable when talking about a prepubescent girl and that you don’t want to continue the relationship.

"says he's on the autistic spectrum"

No, he's not. He's on the paedo perv porn addict spectrum, at the extreme end. Just ghost and block. Do not engage further. He is a paed perv. Bin the jar and get another one. I'd have dumped him just for that. Who does that? I have a child who's a teen and on the spectrum who wouldn't dream of doing that.

@WesternMeadowlark thank you for explaining so clearly. He has a son with severe autism (barely verbal) so it did seem plausible, but like you say, it's an easy, universal rule not to say anything like that about children

I've bought DD another jar and enjoyed putting the old one in the bin

I would bin him, but I'd also speak to the local police and ask them to check whether he has child sex convictions under Sarah's Law.

Grim.

@WesternMeadowlark I've sadly seen the same. My beautiful, intelligent and kind son has autism. I'm both saddened and angered by the seemingly constant implication that being an arsehole is synonymous with autism, it really isn't. It makes me think public understanding of autism is getting worse not better.

Eeeww the dirty perverted fucker. Block and bin.