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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner is packing his bags because I said I was going out.

323 replies

kt1009 · 03/11/2018 17:50

Just that really.

Asked him what he wanted to do tonight, he said nothing. He's been at work all day. Fair enough.

Said I might go and meet my friends for a bit, he's told me I take the "piss out of him". And he's currently packing his bags.

I don't want to split up but surely I haven't done anything wrong here????!!!!

OP posts:
SevenStones · 03/11/2018 19:31

Go out!

MyNewBearTotoro · 03/11/2018 19:32

I’m so sorry he’s making you feel like this.

Please still go out, even if every fibre in your body is saying you don’t want to. Even if it’s just for an hour. If you stay in now then his dramatic hissy fit has won and he will potentially do similar in future. This is a red flag for controlling behaviour.

Go out and have a good time as best you can. If you care about the relationship and want to salvage it then tell him before you leave that you don’t appreciate his behaviour and you’re still going out, but that you be available to talk about why he’s feeling like this in the morning.

YANBU so when you do discuss this with him you don’t need to apologise for anything and you can be clear that you have a right to your own life and to go out when you please. You are not his property to control.

Hopefully this is a one off response, perhaps in reaction to anxiety about the baby or other worries he has. I would make it clear to him that if it’s not a one off the relationship probably isn’t going to work for you.

Seeingadistance · 03/11/2018 19:33

Sorry this is happening, OP.

However, I agree with the others that this is controlling and abusive behaviour. You need to go out if only to show him that his tactics don't work. Ideally, go out and meet up with friends and tell them what's going on. At a minimum, go out for a coffee/wander round supermarket, whatever. But you need to go out.

SuperSkyRocketing · 03/11/2018 19:34

You have to go out OP. There's no justification for his behaviour. Please call his bluff.

TheSpooktacular · 03/11/2018 19:36

He’s a controlling twat. Go out, you need to.

Do your friends like him?

ReanimatedSGB · 03/11/2018 19:37

Let him go, then sort out all the practical stuff, as said above. There is a certain amount of risk that he will try other ways to hurt you: you need to make sure that he has no access to you at all (if he doesn't just disappear, there are ways of controlling his access to the baby once the baby is born to keep you both safe, but he has no rights at all to contact with you while you are pregnant, if you don't want contact.) Get support from your friends, family, midwife and Women's AId or the police if necessary and do not give in to this man.

FrogFairy · 03/11/2018 19:39

He is waiting for you to beg and plead with him to stay.

What is your work and housing situation?

ReanimatedSGB · 03/11/2018 19:41

Are you worried that, if you go out, he will destroy your possessions or come up with some other way of 'punishing' you? If he has no previous form for violence, then going out might be the best way of showing him that you're not going to put up with any bullshit, but if he has previously been aggressive, it might be better to focus on making him leave the house.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 03/11/2018 19:41

He's got himself into a pickle now, hasn't he! He didn't think you'd tell him to go and now he's packed his bags and is sat upstairs. Definitely go out as others have suggested. Doesn't matter where, friends/family/McDonalds.

DH and I go out separately, he goes out with work, I do a few craft meets. Honestly, I'd be horrified if DH threatened to leave if I went out. We might discuss whether one of us going out is problematic (due to having children, tight finances etc) but we wouldn't resort to threats or name calling, just an adult discussion checking the other one was okay with it.

MsJolly · 03/11/2018 19:42

Definitely do not stay in-go and see your friends

Lifeisabeach09 · 03/11/2018 19:42

Go out. Even though you don't feel like it.
This is his way of controlling what you do.
You want to go out, he threatens to leave, you stay in. Funny how he hasn't left yet.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 03/11/2018 19:42

Maybe see if someone can come with you back to the house later though, just in case.

Snipples · 03/11/2018 19:43

OP can you go out and then stay at a friends tonight? I would get someone to go to your house with you tomorrow and get him to leave (he will still be there huffing).

Obviously you don't need to be told that this is not a healthy relationship to bring a baby into. Hope you're ok.

canihaveanap · 03/11/2018 19:45

Op please go out even just for a bit.
Not going will give him the message he has won.
The only thing worse than this pregnant is this with a newborn.
Go and have some fun.
You deserve much better!

Sexnotgender · 03/11/2018 19:46

Well he’s backed himself into a corner there hasn’t he!

Please go out OP. Or invite your friends round?

Don’t pander to his little tantrum, get his keys off him too.

BabySharkDooDooDooDoo · 03/11/2018 19:48

Do go out even if you end up driving to mcds/costa for a coffee

Mummyshark2018 · 03/11/2018 19:52

Like others have said go out. Given his reaction I would go anywhere. Women are most vulnerable and at risk of DV and abuse when pregnant. He needs to get the message that this behaviour is totally unacceptable. If you don't make a stand now things will only get worse only you'll have a small baby to consider. Good luck and stay safe x

Thismummyruns · 03/11/2018 19:52

Has he behaved like this before? I mean, is it out of character?

Doesn't sound very rational to me. He shouldn't behave like that anyway let alone with you expecting a baby together! He should be happy you're meeting up with friends.

I hope you still go ahead with your plans and fill your friends in

ImNotAFlower · 03/11/2018 19:52

I don't think he will go.

Sitting upstairs on the bed bags packed screams "Ah she was supposed to have begged me to stay by now"

Throw his arse out but not before you take his keys.

You and your baby deserve better than a temper tantrum throwing, controlling twat like him.

Be grateful it has happed now, heed the warning and get rid.
No decent, grown man would behave like this to their partner.

Windgate · 03/11/2018 19:53

He has no intentions of going anywhere. He's a controlling and abusive man. The next step is up to you - think very carefully.

selepele · 03/11/2018 19:55

hes doing you a favour

KataraJean · 03/11/2018 19:55

I agree with the other posters, saying you are going to see friends for a couple of hours is normal and healthy. His reaction is way over the top and intended to control you. I hope you have gone out.
I do not think he is going anywhere, but he is trying to make you feel bad for having your own lifeHmm. If he is going, that saves you a lot of hassle. If he is there when you go back, you need to ignore his sulking and get on with sorting your own life out. If you now do not go out, then still, get on with sorting your own life out (without Mr Controller in it) Flowers

whatbeshrekking · 03/11/2018 19:55

And whatever you decide, come back and let us know you're okay!

wtf2015 · 03/11/2018 19:59

There must be more to this... can you ask him what is actually wrong? Agree completely with not staying in a bad relationship but being a single mum unnecessarily isn't great either

Redshoeblueshoe · 03/11/2018 19:59

What an idiot

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