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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner is packing his bags because I said I was going out.

323 replies

kt1009 · 03/11/2018 17:50

Just that really.

Asked him what he wanted to do tonight, he said nothing. He's been at work all day. Fair enough.

Said I might go and meet my friends for a bit, he's told me I take the "piss out of him". And he's currently packing his bags.

I don't want to split up but surely I haven't done anything wrong here????!!!!

OP posts:
NRPDad · 05/11/2018 11:50

Sounds like good riddance.

All the best on the remainder of your pregnancy. Make sure he is kept in the loop though (he does have parental rights) and once baby is here I hope you can agree on access and maintenance issues - although from your posts I can't help but assume he will be difficult about things.

CarolDanvers · 05/11/2018 12:48

He doesn't have "rights" he has responsibilities. Only the child has rights in this situation.

MsPavlichenko · 05/11/2018 12:53

Sadly it is not strange behaviour. It is typical behaviour by an abusive man. Is about control. See here.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

SaveKevin · 05/11/2018 12:59

Well done op.
I spent too many years with my knob head letting his mantrums (love this) stop me seeing friends. It got to such a controlling point I had to hand my phone over and have my underwear checked (that I went in what I came home in).
Honestly you and baby are so much better off out. It will only be worse once you have little one.
It’s also good your parents heard, makes it harder to go back

AnyFucker · 05/11/2018 13:43

This is also the behaviour of someone who is projecting their own dodgy behaviour and/or mindset onto someone else.

NRPDad · 05/11/2018 15:16

@CarolDanvers You know what I meant, no need to be pedantic. The fact is if he wants to accept his parental responsibilities and be involved in the child's life he can be (provided no risk to child etc) and the courts will uphold that.

eggncress · 05/11/2018 15:36

If it were me I wouldn’t want him near my child and I wouldn’t even put him on the birth certificate. I’d want a clean break from him and his abusive ways.
OP can make her own decision about this.

Blackladybug · 05/11/2018 17:24

This was me. I ended a relationship whilst pregnant because he was showing some signs of being abusive. I stuck with my decision and he doesnt really have contact with his son, and hes only allowed supervised contact. Im a million times better off now!

Being pregnant alone is blooming hard, and having a baby on your own isnt easy, but i promise you. You CAN do it! 100% you can do it, you get through every day. And yes, leave his name off the birth certificate.

Yonijust · 05/11/2018 18:07

I must admit I do have the fear that the strength will fade and I'll crash at some point but I'll cross that bridge when I get there!

When you do, you make sure your friends & family are on speed dial & us MNs are always here Flowers

Original poster
kt1009 · 05/11/2018 19:53

Think I've hit my low point. Feeling very sad that we had this family planned and now it's not going to be like that at all.

I'm really scared to do this by myself. And I don't want my child to grow up hating me for sending their dad away.

OP posts:
eloliphant · 05/11/2018 19:58

Please don't feel like that OP, you've made the right decision and he is showing classic signs of abusive behaviour. You've done the right thing for you and your child!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/11/2018 19:59

No,he’s excluded himself because of his behaviour.dont take on his emotional baggage

whatbeshrekking · 05/11/2018 20:02

Your child won't hate you @kt1009 

When they are old enough you explain that you and their dad were not compatible and that in the long run it was best to split now.

Keep this thread to show them if you have to! (When they are really older, obviously)

Gemini69 · 05/11/2018 20:02

You didn't send the baby's Dad away.. he walked out because you wanted to spend a few hours catching up with a friend over a mug of tea Hmm

you aren't responsible for his actions or reactions to his own insecure behaviour.. he behaved appallingly...

Imagine how your Parents must be feeling.. hearing him treating their Daughter and unborn grandchild like that... it's almost a blessing he was unaware of them being able to hear his very word...

Of course you're scared.... but imagine the alternative.. there are plenty of them posting on here online every day ... women struggling to escape coercive bullying relationships... you have been lucky...

treat yourself to a lovely warm bath.. read a book.. watch some really good movies that You enjoy... Flowers

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 05/11/2018 20:03

My ex didn't really start with the most damaging emotional abuse until after our child was born. There were various tantrums and gaslighting which I didn't recognise and assumed it was me being out of order.

I can remember trying to not upset him whilst pregnant and believing he didn't want me going out because he was worried about my safety. The isolation from my friends started then - he'd say stuff like they were unfriendly to him and looked down on him, they were trying to get him to be unfaithful to me and didn't really like me or they were trying to get me to be unfaithful.

He'd want to know why I needed to go out, was he too boring that I wanted to be away from him. He wanted to spend all his time with me, I didn't love him as I wanted to go out etc.

After my baby was born it got so much worse. I couldn't leave him alone with my child as I didn't feel she would be safe.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/11/2018 20:03

Let your MW and GP know about the relationship difficulties

LL83 · 05/11/2018 20:15

Children accept any normal your child will never know any different and will certainly not hate you.
Seeing their dad call you names is far more damaging.
It's a tough situation, stay strong OP Flowers

Original poster
kt1009 · 05/11/2018 20:17

He did know they could hear him, he didn't care.

He's been in touch this evening, and to say he's called me every name under the sun would be no exaggeration. I've written it all down so when I'm feeling weak I can remind myself of how rubbish it really is to be with him.

I cannot believe this is the same man I was so in love with, just doesn't make any sense.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 05/11/2018 20:26

Abusive men don't start out abusive, or no woman would get lumbered with one. Abuse is often insidious: at first the man is 'lovely' and often fond of big romantic gestures, which can seem charming - but if your response isn't gratitude and obedience, then the sulking and criticism starts. Little by little, everything becomes about keeping the man happy. Well done for seeing through his bullshit and kicking him out. With any luck he will simply disappear and find another woman to bully.

whatbeshrekking · 05/11/2018 20:27

He's been in touch this evening, and to say he's called me every name under the sun would be no exaggeration.

So certainly not the actions of a repentant** man, but those of an angry, aggressive man, who is fucked right off at you taking things out of his control.

Considering how much you've "taken the piss out of him", you'd think he be glad to be shot of you.

AnotherEmma · 05/11/2018 20:28
Flowers

I’m sorry he’s turned out to be such an abusive arsehole. If there’s a silver lining, it’s that his behaviour is so obviously wrong that it leaves you in no doubt as to what you must do. End it and cut all contact with him.

I suggest that you call Women’s Aid to discuss the incidents to date. This would be helpful just in case you need to evidence his abuse in future. Contact with Women’s Aid will count. I also suggest that you inform your midwife.

How many weeks pregnant are you?

Please give the baby your surname, not his, and don’t put his name on the birth certificate (to do that, he would have to register the birth with you which obviously wouldn’t be a good idea!)

If it would reassure you to work out finances, you could check the child maintenance calculator and look into your benefit entitlement (Entitledto and Turn2Us have online calculators or you can contact Citizens Advice). Depending on your income and where you live, you might be entitled to Child Tax Credits or Universal Credit.

BewareOfDragons · 05/11/2018 20:31

Shame you couldn't record his last phone call. So when he flips again and asks for another chance and promises to change, you can just play it for him. Plus you'll have it when you ask for supervised contact down the line...

Snipples · 05/11/2018 20:32

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this and so sorry to everyone on this thread that's had to deal with abuse from men especially when pregnant or with tiny babies.

You are much stronger than you think OP and you absolutely can do this on your own. Sending you strength 💐❤️

Gemini69 · 05/11/2018 20:35

I cannot believe this is the same man I was so in love with, just doesn't make any sense.

it makes sense if you understand what has happened...

You didn't conform... you didn't do as he demanded.. you didn't obey ... instead you did the sensible thing in that you saw him for what he was and left for your nice few hours with a dear friend....

it makes absolute sense... Flowers

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 05/11/2018 20:45

Block him . Abusive twat knows he’s lost you. Don’t see him alone. Let someone else give him his stuff back.

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