My husband is fat

[wingingatlife]

Ok, not morbidly. He's 5'10 and 14 stone with a huge gut, moobs and love handles and frankly I don't fancy him. He's 38.

I've tried saying things jokingly, putting us both on a diet, I bought scales to have a challenge of who can lose the most. He sits down with this giant gut and it's gross. He's got a hugely sweet tooth so tried not buying treats but that's unfair on the kids. Very occasionally he'll run or play golf but never weights or abs stuff.

Bottom line - I don't fancy him at all.

Tell him.

Goady thread?

If this is real and you don't fancy him you don't fancy him. Tell him kindly, do you even love him?

Have you tried approaching it from the health angle? say you are worried about the effects on his longterm health, you have young children, they deserve a father who is fit and healthy. Does your local GP run a men's health clinic, could he be checked out for BP, bloods, weight, healthy lifestyles etc. This could be the wake up call he needs.....

Why would it a goady thread? Op it’s perfectly acceptable to feel like this. My DP is getting bigger and bigger and doesn’t seem to care that I may not fancy him he is now obese. I have gone up to a size 14 and get comments from him. I don’t have anything to suggest but know how you feel.

Hi, Op.
I used to be in a similar position my Dh has lost 17 stone. I met him while he was big but he also gained a lot of weight.

You just have to be honest I used to say it's more about you're health couldn't/didn't want to play with the kids.

But ultimately it was him that decided he was going to loose the weight he tried serval diets although he did well he couldn't stick to them long term.

My Dh finally had a gastric sleeve privately and on he's own terms, as no matter what me or he's parents said or people at work he would just eat to spite them/show off.

Sorry if I've overtook you're post but it's difficult trying to get through to someone in a tactical way, and it's hard when there in denial.

Obviously he could be eating unhealthy food whilst away from the home but at home if you are the person who does the cooking you could very gradually bring in a healthier, low fat, slightly smaller portions for him with a big emphasis on fresh fruit/ vegetables. If you don't already do them - suggest you both start taking packed lunches to work.
Even things like cutting down on cappuccinos at weekends, and visiting coffee shops. Try suggesting going for a few walks or some other joint exercise you can do together. Dieting by stealth !

I gained weight (Ill health), DH told me I had become fat and inactive (wouldn’t turn down sex though).

It was one of the first nails in the coffin that was our marriage.

Life happens, I would also ask yourself if you love him. DH didn’t love me enough to satisfy my needs from a healthy loving marriage.

I love him and therefore I care about his health yes. But am I not allowed to not fancy him?

If you don't fancy him then leave. Your description of him is goading and disrespectful and to be honest your DP deserves better. If he's bothered by his weight then I guess that's different but if not you probably be better to set him free to find someone who loves him for who he is. You dont sound like you love him or see any good qualities and if you do you havent mentioned them. Looks fade so I'm not entirely sure what your expecting from your relationship and you may want to explore this through therapy. Are you actually in it for the long haul or are you expecting the passion of a new relationship everyday?

Well it's potentially goady because there's more to a serious relationship than just appearance surely? What if one of you becomes ill or has a disfiguring accident? Surely character is more important than how someone looks?

Op - not getting at you specifically - but your words "giant gut" and "gross" are quite strong. I understand you want your dh to be healthy though.

You can't make someone lose weight, they have to want to do it themselves. But you can contribute to them feeling crap or feeling positive on the lead up to that point. I wonder which of those approaches will have better results?

If you don’t fancy him, presumably you don’t have sex. Doesn’t he wonder why?

To be honest, with his height and weight, I don't know how his description of him suits him.

Is it possible you're being hypercritical because you don't want him anymore?

The language used in your post doesn't show much love or respect. You don't have to fancy him but someone who loved him would speak more kindly.

The only way a partner can support someone who has gained weight is through genuine care and love. Everything else will damage in some way even if it has some short term gains.

He isn’t obese though is he.

There is much more to life and a relationship than gaining a bit of weight. It could be you next year.

Once I had checked out of my marriage emotionally I found DH’s obsession with keeping the same body he had at 24 at 54 a bit sad and try hard.

In the end I found his personality a much bigger turn off than he found my weight gain.

You need to be really careful how you address this OP.

He can't be that disgusting if that's his bmi! My DH has a higher bmi and he certainly doesn't have a huge gut and moobs. You sound fairly shallow OP and I'm always amazed at how many people's feelings seem to be so strongly linked to appearance but it's a common theme on here so I must be the odd one. My suggestion would be that you find someone else with similar values so you both prioritise thinness in the relationship. And hope you don't ever gain weight or you'll be the one classed as gross and unfanciable.

He’s a bit overweight not the size of a house from the look of things.

Well it's potentially goady because there's more to a serious relationship than just appearance surely? What if one of you becomes ill or has a disfiguring accident? Surely character is more important than how someone looks?

Of course there is more to a relationship than appearance. Things like personality traits; personal qualities and characteristics. There is a big difference between someone experiencing an illness and disfiguring accident and watching them gorge themselves on unhealthy 'treats' day after day. She is allowed to find that unattractive.

And I say that as someone with a higher bmi than the OP's partner.

The stats you gave don't make him that big tbh, he sounds like he's a bit overweight alright, but you sound like an asshole. If this was a man here saying this about his wife, posting charts of what her weight should be, and talking about her the way you talk about your dh, he'd be annihilated, and rightly so. He deserves better than you.

He does not sound grossly overweight. I would worry mostly from a health perspective, but then slim people can be unheathy too.

When husband started trying to lose weight it was all his idea. He had to have surgery and was embarrassed by his weight when he got checked before surgery.
I changes to smaller plates and dishing his protein and carbs up for him.

I would then place a large amount of veg or green leafy salad in the middle of the table and told him he could eat as much of that as he wanted. Walking the dog together and having no snack apart from fruit also helped. He lost 17 kg.
Swap to smaller portions and hide the snacks. When he comments, just say you thought the family all could be a bit healthier and does he have any ideas to contribute.

You’re allowed to fancy or not fancy who you like. That’s just life but it’s a bit sad if you’re feeling that way about your husband just because he’s put on a bit of weight. My BMI isn’t too far off your dhs and I wouldn’t consider myself hugely overweight! Yes I know I should lose a few pounds but I like cake too much. I do exercise though and my dh doesn’t care, I weighed a lot less when we met but he’s always telling me he fancies me etc.

I feel a bit sad for your dh but if you don’t fancy him you can’t help it really!

Sorry I meant I don't know how your* description of him suits him."

Thanks for the all helpful comments, not so much the unhelpful ones. I don't fancy him unclothed. Sorry for feeling that way.

He’s hardly massive is he?

It’s not unfair on your kids to not have crap food in the house it is sensible and kind.