My husband is fat

[wingingatlife]

Ok, not morbidly. He's 5'10 and 14 stone with a huge gut, moobs and love handles and frankly I don't fancy him. He's 38.

I've tried saying things jokingly, putting us both on a diet, I bought scales to have a challenge of who can lose the most. He sits down with this giant gut and it's gross. He's got a hugely sweet tooth so tried not buying treats but that's unfair on the kids. Very occasionally he'll run or play golf but never weights or abs stuff.

Bottom line - I don't fancy him at all.

You can't really help what you find attractive. But like various pp's have said I think the language you've use op is loaded and judgemental. I love my partner very much and even if I felt these things I think I would struggle to use such language as I love him. I wonder if there is anything else going on here? Either way you need to decide where your red line is so to speak and if he won't or can't change then perhaps you need to leave? I'm not sure it's good for either of you to have a relationship where one person has contempt for the other.

@yourfamousblueraincoat this is nonsense. Its all about quantity as a parent you can control this. A treat size chocolate isn't going to harm the kids a whole bag for an adult isn't so great. It's more damaging to restrict something and make kids obsessed with it then when they can buy their own they do and lots of it.

I just don't think the BMI charts are helpful. According to my BMI, I am overweight. I'm a size 10-12, so how is that?

Because clothes sizes mean absolutely nothing.

If you're overweight then you're overweight, no matter what size you wear.

If you're very muscular then BMI is a complete load of codswallop

Wow. Reminds me of me 18 months ago. My ex proclaimed to me that he didn’t fancy me anymore, sex was “boring” and that I was “fat” and had put on weight.

At the time out daughter was 4 months old.

He bought me a gym membership for my birthday, you know, so I’d be toned and he’d fancy me again. Gee, thanks.

I was 9st 2lbs and am 5ft 4 and convinced I was morbidly obese. It’s a horrible and worthless feeling, even if there was any justification and I genuinely needed to lose weight.

If you don’t fancy your husband anymore then fair enough but ask yourself if you love him. And however you approach this with him, please be kind to him.

I think the language you've use op is loaded and judgemental

What's wrong with being judgemental if your partner puts on loads of weight without good reason?

But OP's DH isn't muscular, so it is overweight.

OP, help him out. Get rid of the sweets - they're no good for kids anyway. And exercise together. Walking, swimming. Just get active!

I don't know who cooks in the house, but get involved with the meal plan. Portion size is massively important. Educate yourself on what a 'normal' portion is and Talk to him about it. My DH was astonished when I told him you were only meant to have one fishcake, rather than the two that were in the packet!

I feel fat at the moment and have no idea how my boyfriend finds me attractive, I don't feel good about myself at all. I can see where the OP is coming from.

Why should the OP have to provide an exhaustive list of her partner's good points before she's allowed to vent her frustration with him on anonymous Internet forum? I think we all use loaded and judgemental language when we are at our wits' end with someone. To pretend otherwise is just delusional. To demand that someone coming on for a vent on MN provide an entirely compassionate, loving, helpful and balanced view of their difficulties with their partner seems depressing to me. I can see how it does cause contempt if your partner doesn't care about the impact of his behaviour and lack of self care on your relationship. He's not ill. He may be depressed, etc - but that can be really tough to live with, and if he won't address the issue what is the OP meant to do? I don't think it's unreasonable to despair at the thought of spending your life chivvying someone along to look after themselves when they won't do it.

I don't agree that sweets aren't good for kids.

Having them in the house is the only way to learn about moderation and self-control when you're growing up.

Simply removing the temptation will teach them nothing.

What's wrong with being judgemental if your partner puts on loads of weight without good reason?

So you think OP would fancy him if there was a good reason? Her wording and posts certainly suggest otherwise.

I don't know how you are supposed to make yourself fancy someone if you just don't. You can't help that.

I have noticed a lot of people lose weight and start looking after themselves after a break-up. Presumably to find their next partner. Why can't they do it for the partner they're with?

Fine, if they stay the way they always did, but by getting in shape only after the break-up, they are acknowledging that they want to look good for others just not their partner?

BMI calculator reckons my bf is overweight and thats with the lower estimate (not sure how much he weighs). He certainly isnt. His arms and chest and shoulders are big as in muscley. His stomach isnt flat and he has some softness around his middle which he moans about but i love.

He was shaped like you describe at one point, hes showed me photos. He also weighed 9 stone at one point.

Hes fitter and stronger than anyone else i know.

Anyway my point i never got to is only he can decide how hes happy. If you dont find that attractive then you cant help that and should probably be honest with him. This might trigger a change but be prepared also for him to move on and then make changes for himself too.

What's wrong with being judgemental if your partner puts on loads of weight without good reason?

Because we all have our own inner demons, the private battles, the stuff we don’t necessarily share? Because there could be absolutely loads going on for the OP’s husband but her needs result in a further distancing rather than looking for and tackling a bigger issue? Because there is nothing worse as a bigger person to have someone we care about point out the obvious?

The worrying thing is if DH won't discuss or get involved in his own health, the weight gain is likely to continue if left unchecked. How bad do things have to get before the issue is dealt with properly?

So you think OP would fancy him if there was a good reason?

I think context is everything, your DP putting on weight due to pregnancy/illness/injury/depression etc affords a hell of a lot more sympathy and understanding compared to someone who has decided to sit on the sofa and snack on sweets all day.

My wife's weight ballooned when we were going through multiple rounds of IVF, its not what she wanted, she hated it yet I did not care how she looked as it was not her fault as she was under huge stress and taking a raft of drugs that carried adverse side effects. That is a hugely different scenario from say her just giving up on her sporting pursuits and healthy diet and deciding to do nothing and eat sweets all day.

God, exactly that @WorraLiberty

Having them as some weird hidden 'treat' makes them so desirable. It's ridiculous that people can't have them in the house in case their partners scoff them all.

I have noticed a lot of people lose weight and start looking after themselves after a break-up. Presumably to find their next partner. Why can't they do it for the partner they're with?

Fine, if they stay the way they always did, but by getting in shape only after the break-up, they are acknowledging that they want to look good for others just not their partner?

Interesting observation

My XH told me I was too fat, and I was, but I didn't want to hear it from a fat, bald man. Instead of losing weight I went into a dark place and ate more for comfort, until the point came where I couldn't stand him. I lost the weight, he told me he fancied me again, and I asked for a divorce.
You have to WANT to lose the weight.

My DH put on quite a lot of weight during the last few years. A total cheese addiction plus too much red wine. He was and is very fit and active. I really started to find his fat belly unattractive although when clothes he carries it well.

I tried very hard not to comment as he got so defensive.

Anyway about a month ago he decided to lose weight. And he’s doing well. He still makes some odd choices and I have to bite my lip but he’s doing it his way.

However, I would never buy cheese before or now because that would be enabling his inability to self regulate. You need to stop having his trigger foods in the house. Your dc will obviously also benefit from this.

It's not all the treats in the house that's doing it though is it? I mean, how many chocolate bars do you buy per week??
Who cooks the dinners? How many takeaways per week do you have? Sarky comments from you won't help him. The issue is you are critical of his weight. He doesn't sound like he's in any real health danger at this point.
How much do you weigh and what is your own BMI?

I think the OP is perfectly within her rights to not fancy her husband anymore (for whatever reason) and to say that fancying him is a deal-breaker for her marriage. It's hard to declare moral boundaries in someone else relationship and choices.

Where the test of character is how she handles it:

• She can do so sensitively, kindly and with consideration. Even if that means leaving the marriage because (for her) two stone of extra weight means it is no longer a relationship she wants. There are ways to handle that with love.
• She can be hurtful and mean. Even if she stays, to do so whilst being resentful and bitter, would be mean.

(These are just examples, not suggesting OP is doing either of those things.)

I do agree that there is something in the language here; going online to talk about him as having "moobs" does not appear to be the kindest way to handle this.

I might also suggest that kinds don't NEED sweet stuff and so not having it in the house is hardly giving them a deprived childhood. Given the choice between healthy parents and no sweets vs. sweets and unhealthy/unhappy parents - I would imagine most would choose the latter? I don't have kids though, so could be wrong.

Personally if my dp put on weight and was unhappy with it I would want to get to the root cause of it and help him with that rather than berate him for the weight per se.

Its a shame you married someone for their looks. You DH is probably better off finding out sooner rather than later, because even if he hadn't gained weight he will surely lose his looks at some point.

Next time try marrying someone you will love no matter what happens to their body.