My husband is fat

[wingingatlife]

Ok, not morbidly. He's 5'10 and 14 stone with a huge gut, moobs and love handles and frankly I don't fancy him. He's 38.

I've tried saying things jokingly, putting us both on a diet, I bought scales to have a challenge of who can lose the most. He sits down with this giant gut and it's gross. He's got a hugely sweet tooth so tried not buying treats but that's unfair on the kids. Very occasionally he'll run or play golf but never weights or abs stuff.

Bottom line - I don't fancy him at all.

Those are all natural parts of ageing. Surely everyone knows their partner will age and things may happen to them? Getting sloppy on grooming and hygiene and maintaining the healthiest body you can is quite a different matter.

Quite

I think this outrage stems from lots of people who are heavier than they would like ( I am one) and get very defensive if anyone mentions that's being overweight can make you less attractive to some people

I think this is the nub of the matter!

@customerservicenightmare If you are honestly going to only fancy people who maintain a BMI under 25 until they are geriatric, you are going to eliminate 75% of the population over age 45! Increasing weight is pretty clearly associated with age. (Check out the latest official obesity statistics: researchbriefings.files.parliament.uk/documents/SN03336/SN03336.pdf)

Of course we would all want our partners to stay healthy and well! Nobody would argue that somebody with a bit of a gut could probably do with exercising more and losing a bit of weight. It's just that in a healthy long-term relationship you would be more likely to still fancy and love the other person while you support them to get healthier, rather than being repulsed by them and finding them gross! To my mind, this kind of reaction is a sign of a much bigger relationship problem.

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster

My experience of loving somebody at all sorts of different weights and still fancying them (gorgeous, toned and young - fat, balding and middle-aged back to toned and hot, yet still balding and middle-aged...) is what informs my reaction to this post.

I have been consistently fat and happy the whole time, so can't really comment on that aspect! While I know that some people wouldn't fancy me because of my weight, I haven't experienced any significant gain/loss during a relationship, that might change a partner's view of me. Any partner worth having would still love me and fancy me if I lost weight.

If you are honestly going to only fancy people

Sexual attraction is not a choice or a decision you can force yourself to make.

who maintain a BMI under 25 until they are geriatric

38yo is a young man who is too heavy from simple overeating and lack of movement. He's destroying his health.

If and when weight increases happen - if he lives long enough to be geriatric - the last thing he needs is to compound the problem by piling it on earlier than necessary.

I'm getting slimmer (down to 25 BMI at the moment) after years of being overweight. I do understand how easy weight can be put on.

I certainly wouldn't tell someone they have to fancy me at my old weight. Or this one, come to think of it.

If I stopped brushing my teeth and let them get black and rotten would it be ok for my DH to stop fancying me and encourage me to go to the dentist or should he continue to enjoy snogging my foetid maw because 'I'm still the same woman he married'?

MotherOfDragonite

My parters in the past have been different shapes and sizes but the common theme has been that they have all been sporty active people. I have been sporty/outdoorsey all my life and have always been drawn to people with a similar interest. You can be a few pounds overweight (one of the most abused phrases on MN) and still be 'fit' and active, its the latter element that I am attracted to. I am in my mid 40s now, getting a bit grey, hairline receding and not as toned as I used to be despite training five times a week. My wife does not care in the same way as I don't care that she has a few grey hairs, a few more wrinkles and does not have the same body as the person I met years ago. She still runs half marathons, she still prefers going on cycling or trekking holidays and she still looks fab, she makes an effort to look after herself. I would be hugely disappointed if she just gave all that up one day and put on loads of weight due to zero activity, I would feel like I had lost my play buddy more then anything. I know she would probably fancy me less if I just let myself go in a similar fashion.

I get you OP; I just don't find fat men attractive.

All the men in DH's family are naturally skinny and in middle age develop enormous guts while the rest of them stays relatively slim. DH started slipping this way in his late 30s; bit of a belly, flabby chin and decided to take himself in hand. At 53 he's very trim and lean.

But FiL, his uncle and BiL have these massive, round, enormous bellies. DS1 is 24 and very fit. But he likes his food and beer so we make lots of jokes about the creeping nature of the family belly.

I think this outrage stems from lots of people who are heavier than they would like ( I am one) and get very defensive if anyone mentions that's being overweight can make you less attractive to some people

I think this is the nub of the matter!

Oh here we go! I knew someone would be posting this soon. So bloomin' predictable.

If I stopped brushing my teeth and let them get black and rotten would it be ok for my DH to stop fancying me and encourage me to go to the dentist or should he continue to enjoy snogging my foetid maw because 'I'm still the same woman he married'?

Nothing gently encouraging in OPs words for starters. She talks about him with total disdain.

OP you need to woman up and speak to your DH about how you feel be supportive and kind to him .

My DH is overweight he just loves food, but he has always been big when he actually went down to his 'correct' weight he looked ill, he is very broad chested, he goes to the gym but he will never be small, he has been bigger and he lost about 5 stone a few years ago but it was because he wanted to, I love him any size he is but I was worried about his health so I would try to gently encourage him and eventually he saw it for himself.

I'm not small either, I was much smaller before I had my DDs and thank goodness he still finds me attractive eh?

You do sound very focused on your DH's weight and it reminds me of the way people make excuses/focus on one bad habit when they want to break up with someone.

I personally find it very strange that the main and only sexual attraction you have towards your other half is just his body shape you can feel however you want but I think you should ask yourself why you feel the way you do.

I find my DH fanciable for various reasons yeah he's fat, I'm fat too but he's generous, he's handsome (according to me), he's strong, he's protective, he's funny, he has nice hands and long lovely eye lashes, he's a good dancer, he's caring and gives a mean back rub, he is also extremely considerate in the bedroom, all these things make me fancy him, moobs and big belly aside there is more to fancying someone than their physical appearance!

I hope things get better for you both just try to be understanding, wishing you the best

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster I think we are largely on the same page! As you say, you and your wife still love and fancy each other despite some natural changes while getting older. The OP seems to not have that base-line of attraction and that for me seems to indicate that something bigger is wrong with the relationship.

To put this in perspective, a BMI of 27 at 5'10" means that he is probably only a stone overweight. Not a vast amount or something that would be hard to sort out. The problem is that she thinks he is gross, and I don't honestly think that will go away if he loses a stone. I think they have a bigger relationship problem.

For me fancying someone is so much more than what they look like!

It is really hard to have feelings of physical revulsion for someone you love and once felt sexually attracted to. It seems that part of this revulsion is to do with his passivity, eating poorly and not exercising and not giving a toss. That is also a passion-killer in my experience.

You put my thoughts into words.

When I was 14 stone at 5”10, I was a size 12 and think I looked amazing (compared to how I looked before I lost a lot of weight).

I think this outrage stems from lots of people who are heavier than they would like ( I am one) and get very defensive if anyone mentions that's being overweight can make you less attractive to some people .

This. ^

The 'double standards' are usually a man complaining that his wife is fat a few months after giving birth, which is hardly the same thing as gorging on food and taking no interest in your health.

Agree with Mistress:

"You do sound very focused on your DH's weight and it reminds me of the way people make excuses/focus on one bad habit when they want to break up with someone.

I personally find it very strange that the main and only sexual attraction you have towards your other half is just his body shape you can feel however you want but I think you should ask yourself why you feel the way you do.

I find my DH fanciable for various reasons yeah he's fat, I'm fat too but he's generous, he's handsome (according to me), he's strong, he's protective, he's funny, he has nice hands and long lovely eye lashes, he's a good dancer, he's caring and gives a mean back rub, he is also extremely considerate in the bedroom, all these things make me fancy him, moobs and big belly aside there is more to fancying someone than their physical appearance! "

Fancying someone is a complex issue.

Great post Oblomov. Lovely reasons for finding someone attractive.

Imagine if this thread was reversed and OP was saying her husband felt this way about her and had tried those things to encourage her... Everyone would be screaming LTB

@NRPDad you are completely right and, like others, I have been saying that there is a problem here!

Lovely post, Oblomov. That's how I have always felt about partners too -- their physical appearance is just one part of what makes them attractive to me (and vice versa, I hope!).

You can't help what you find attractive 🤷‍♀️ I don't find overweight men attractive and if my DH gained a lot of weight I wouldn't fancy him anymore. Pretty sure it would be the same the other way round as well.

You can't help what you find attractive 🤷‍♀️

No but you can help the language you use and the way you speak about people.

It's not just about weight but about wrinkles, changing facial features, greying hair, and infirmities/disabilities.

Those are all natural parts of ageing. Surely everyone knows their partner will age and things may happen to them? Getting sloppy on grooming and hygiene and maintaining the healthiest body you can is quite a different matter.

^This. DH and I don't look the same as we did 20 years ago, but we still fancy each other and make an effort. DH has gained weight but he's trying to lose it and I'm trying to get my jelly belly (thanks to two large babies) more toned. .

Yes, you need to make a personal decision to get healthier but I think it's also part of the mutual respect in a relationship. I want to look as nice as I can for myself AND DH, and he does for me. We don't take each other for granted.

Physical changes due to illness are completely different, as that's beyond your control. Scoffing sweets every day is.

I feel like there are several components to 'fancying' someone...which I interpret as meaning you'd not be averse to having sex with them.

There are people I look at and think they look really attractive/sexy - George Clooney springs to my mind. But I wouldn't have sex with him even if some crazy reason he was willing. So I don't 'fancy' him....I just find him sexually attractive.

Meanwhile I have had the odd raging crush during my life for people who no one would ever say were sexually attractive but for one reason or another I totally would have had sex with given the right circumstances.

You'd be far better off building a marriage with the people you 'fancy' who you don't obviously find sexually attractive...because all other stuff is bound to disappear eventually.

I think there is a big difference between being sexually attracted to someone and actually loving them. If I thought that my DH would slag me off on MN because I'm not as slim as I was when I first met him because I've put on weight, I would be very hurt and would have a difficult time forgiving him.

It's not so much the fact that the OP doesn't fancy her DH now he's put on weight, as she can't help how she feels. It's the way she speaks about her DH which is unpleasant. It does make me doubt her claim that she still loves him.

I hear you, OP.

I don't think it's shit of you etc etc etc to not fancy someone who has let themselves go...that, in itself, to answer a PP, is a character flaw.

A lot of people would find such resignation deeply unappealing.

I completely get where you're coming from OP. It's repulsive to watch someone gorge and slob around. The fact he doesn't seem to have any self-respect or want to be fit and healthy would put me off too.