My husband is fat

[wingingatlife]

Ok, not morbidly. He's 5'10 and 14 stone with a huge gut, moobs and love handles and frankly I don't fancy him. He's 38.

I've tried saying things jokingly, putting us both on a diet, I bought scales to have a challenge of who can lose the most. He sits down with this giant gut and it's gross. He's got a hugely sweet tooth so tried not buying treats but that's unfair on the kids. Very occasionally he'll run or play golf but never weights or abs stuff.

Bottom line - I don't fancy him at all.

Beerandbassguitars interesting you use the word "gorging". That's quite a loaded term.

Yes of course you are allowed to find a partner's "lack of discipline" (if that is how you perceive it) unattractive but it's quite jugemental to do so in this instance, particularly when he's not, as pps have pointed out, massively overweight for his height. He may be extremely disciplined in other areas of his life for all we know!

I am enormously grateful my dh doesn’t feel this way about me. I have always struggled with my weight but his love for me never faulters (and he still fancies me!).

Is there some more deep rooted problem here OP or is it REALLY just that he has put on weight?

I don't think it matters how big he is currently.

If it has taken his body shape from something she does find attractive to something she doesn't, then that is going to have an impact.

I know someone who looked like Homer Simpson at 14 stone. It was a combination of his frame size; body shape and the way he carried the weight.

His girlfriend stopped fancying him. He's even bigger now but with someone who finds him very attractive. We all have different tastes.

interesting you use the word "gorging". That's quite a loaded term.

Yeah, it is and I might not have used it had I thought about it but, having lived with a man who behaved like this, I can tell you how unattractive it is to watch.

Night after night, washing down chocolate bars and bags of sweets with coke; dried food spilt on clothes due to food not being tasted and enjoyed but consumed as quickly as possible in order to get onto the next food. It's not attractive watching someone groaning as they struggle to do their own shoelaces up or smell with the excess sweating involved doing normal stuff...

You can't help not fancying somebody . Op you've got nothing to feel bad about.

Surely the advice should be 'unless you look like

OP I think you're missing the point. No one is asking you not to feel that way but you do need to consider the very negative language your using when describing your DP, that you haven't listed any positives and that the image of him as you see it really doesn't match his BMI. Don't you think this is something you need to explore to look why rather than putting it all on him? For most people there is a physical attraction but over time there is also the life you build together, how they are with family, the nice things they do for you, what they bring to the relationship, how they make you feel. You have become very fixated on one thing so surely there is a question there of why?

I agree that doesn't sound attractive Beerandbassguitars what you are describing sounds like a very unhealthy food addiction. Unattractive but probably with deeper reasons behind it. Not sure that applies to the op's dh in this instance though and there's a myriad of reasons why people over-eat.

Mine has put loads of weight on. I don't like it and if I'm honest I feel resentful.

It's about why he's fat not just the fat. If he was on steroids eg and gained weight for illness it wouldn't have the context of lack of self control and greed.

I hate watching mine shovel a family sized bag of crisps in his mouth, or eating a dinner that should serve three people.

I bought some toffee in a tin, the kids ate a couple of pieces; it was meant to last a week but dh ate the bloody lot.

There's a huge difference between loving someone and not fancying them.
Fancying is not just their personality it's a combination of things.
How they look, how they act and how they look after themselves health wise.
If people think that true love means you continue to fancy someone regardless then they are delusional.
If your partner stopped washing you'd soon stop fancying them. You would still love them but not fancy them. You'd want them to look after themselves for both health and looks reasons.
Being overweight is unhealthy and as his partner I'd say you have every right to tell him he needs to think about his weight.
Can you talk to him about it. Find out how he feels.
Also think he needs to know you don't find him attractive. Relationships should be open and honest.

Staringcoat

Maybe, but no one wakes up one day at 20+ stone. It's gradual. Poor habits that go unchecked get worse. Sometimes it's a food addiction and sometimes it's just a bad habit that got out of hand and a feeling of "I've worked hard today, why shouldn't I treat myself?"

People saying the OP's partner's weight isn't even that bad, if you don't take decisive action when your BMI is only 28, it's a damn sight harder to do when it's 35.

Just thinking what the reaction would be if it was a man writing this about him wife, he would get torn to shreds.

I think it's quite normal to love someone long after you stopped fancying them. Love just 'is' I also think it's entirely possible to fancy someone and not love them, and even not like them. It's far harder though to wrap my head around loving someone or fancying someone you don't respect.

I also think it's entirely possible to love someone so much that even though you quite objectively wouldn't fancy them under other circumstances you still find them attractive. I don't know for certain but I'm inclined to think I'd still fancy DH if he changed into something I'd ordinarily find unattractive in other people. I don't find fat people either aesthetically pleasing to look at or sexually attractive. I'd never date someone who was over weight. However I love DH and can't imagine not wanting to have any intimacy with him just because he had gained a bit of weight.

So, my feeling is that the fat issue is just one issue, and not the issue. If you really are pushed to examine every aspect of you marriage can you honestly say it's just his weight? Have you lost respect for him? Are his values similar to yours? Do you think he lacks respect for himself by harming his health and respect for you if he can put 'gorging' over any consideration to be attractive to you?

I can't imagine ANY man would look manly or attractive if they weighed in at 9 stone 3lb. That's Skeletor territory.

I just don't think the BMI charts are helpful. According to my BMI, I am overweight. I'm a size 10-12, so how is that? All Rugby players register as Obese as well. My DH registers as Obese, however he isn't fat, he's just very sturdy, very tall and very broad.

Anyway, 14 stone doesn't sound like much to me, however, it sounds as though your Partner doesn't look good at that weight, so all you can do is to try to persuade him to eat better and up his exercise. Or tell him very tactfully that you find his belly unattractive (which won't be an easy convo to have).

I thought that husky. Maybe a 17 year old boy before he’d really finished filling out but for a 5ft 10 adult that would be extremely slight. 14 st is big and certainly overweight but not huge. Not grotesque. I think you have other issues.

I understand completely OP. I am in the same situation with my DH. I don't fancy him at all and he is clinically obese. He wasn't when we got together but it seems that as soon as we got married, he stopped trying to look good and started eating everything in site. The amount of food he consumes repulses and embarrasses me. Once we went to dinner with my parents and siblings and their families and he asked quite loudly if he could order 2 mains! I wanted to die.

Both of our families have noticed his weight gain and have told him he needs to sort himself out. I have told him countless times as well.

He has recently started trying to lose weight and has lost 15kg but is only barely under the obese BMI line. The sad thing is, I feel like it's too late to save our marriage. I have begged him for over a year to take care of himself and it's too little, too late. I just don't know if him losing weight now will change my dim view of him.

I wish I had some advice but sadly I'm going through it myself. You are not alone and I don't think you are being goady at all.

rightreckoner There's now way, I could be with a man so slightly built. I always think a slightly erm heavier man, has more of a hammer on his nail, if you get my drift

If you don't fancy him then leave. Your description of him is goading and disrespectful and to be honest your DP deserves better.

Completely agree.

Your post is goady. He d

*posted to soon.

How would you feel OP if he spoke about things about you that he didn't lije in tge same way?

I think people are being harsh to the op, she can't help it if she doesn't find her partner physically attractive anymore.

My partner was very fit and toned when I met him, but has gained weight recently through binging and lack of exercise. He has similar stats to your partner and has also developed a tyre and moobs - I still fancy him, but not as much.

Its all a bit pointless using the BMI calculator in this instance, the bottom line is that the OP no longer fancies her husband due to his weight gain. It's not shallow to feel that way. If I developed a massive gut, man boobs and love handles to the point where my wife felt no longer attracted to me I would be having a serious look at my lifestyle choices rather then trying to convince her that because my BMI calculation was 'only' overweight then everything is fine.

It sounds like your marriage is over already. Do you think so too?

Most men I know are over 14 stone. All of ds1's football team dads are, and most of them play football themselves. 🤔

This just makes me feel scared. I'm the same height as your husband and I've put on weight recently, I'm 11.5 stone at the moment. If he has a huge gut and is inherently unfanciable at 1.5 stone more than me then I have more of a problem than I thought.

Your poor husband. The way you speak about him makes ME feel sad and panicky. I'd think you hated me and I was repulsive if I was him.

BMI 28 is hardly obese! I thought he'd be about 20 stone from the start of your post.

It's not shallow to feel that way.

It is shallow to talk about it the way she has. Lets hope she is a perfect shape and size....