My husband is fat

[wingingatlife]

Ok, not morbidly. He's 5'10 and 14 stone with a huge gut, moobs and love handles and frankly I don't fancy him. He's 38.

I've tried saying things jokingly, putting us both on a diet, I bought scales to have a challenge of who can lose the most. He sits down with this giant gut and it's gross. He's got a hugely sweet tooth so tried not buying treats but that's unfair on the kids. Very occasionally he'll run or play golf but never weights or abs stuff.

Bottom line - I don't fancy him at all.

Presumably we all marry someone we actually fancy which doesn't mean that's all that matters.

If you're concerned about his health get him to measure his waist. Over 40 inches is a serious risk for health complications.

Everyone carries weight differently but carrying weight on your stomach increases risk for heart attacks and other issues.

Have a serious conversation with him. But only he can change his weight. If he wants to.

I tend to find that fancying somebody isn't solely about their body, but about them as a person inside it.

Your description of your husband makes me feel as if the attraction has gone, and I am not convinced that it would magically return if he lost weight. The weight and height that you describe are not that overweight, so it is neither extreme nor a serious health issue -- he is probably only a few pounds away from a perfectly normal weight.

I guess what I'm saying is that you might want to consider whether your relationship is working for you generally. It sounds like it might not be.

Seaweed I'm 5'5 and 8st10lbs

WorraLiberty there's absolutely no need to keep sweets in the house. Kids can learn that shops sell sweets, and if you really want a bar of chocolate or packet of crisps or whatever other treat you can get up off your arse, walk to the shop and buy one. I hardly ever had sweets growing up and it's not difficult at all to just buy the odd bar of chocolate when I really fancy one.

Its a shame you married someone for their looks.

How did you arrive at that conclusion? I imagined, like most people, she married someone for a whole raft of reasons, physical attractiveness being one of them.

As some one who is overweight your attitude is depressing - if you want to help you change the whole families diet and if that includes cutting sweet treats out of the weekly shop or making them only for shopping day you do that. But i doubt that is the only reason he is a bit overweight, personally I find it is about stress and happiness/security in the relationship. You need to find things to like about him and ask yourself if you are only worried about a few extra pounds how are you going to cope when he has grey hair, nose and ear hairs, wrinkles etc.

I suspect some of this is about your own insecurities as well

14st and 5' 10" is pretty big. Why are you all minimising it?

If a change in looks is all it takes for the OP to decide she doesn't fancy her DH then she must have married primarily for looks.

Its a shame - but he deserves to know asap so he can find someone who will fancy him for who he is.

We are all going to lose our looks, its inevitable. Marry someone you will fancy regardless is my advice.

As some one who is overweight your attitude is depressing

If you are a woman, don't worry. If men think this way or say anything, they are nasty abusive bastards who clearly only married you for your looks.

It's only acceptable if you are a woman saying your male partner is too fat.

14 stone is 89 kilos. That's a lot! My DH is about the same height and he's about 76 kilos. I think he's look very overweight if he gained another 10-15 kilos.

I'm also surprised at how many people saying it's not heavy. Its also about weight distribution. I'm not fat for my height but look more because I'm not fit and have a bigger tum than I should have. Coupled with wide shoulders, that makes me look bigger than I actually am.

Of course there's no need to keep sweets in the house. There's no need to even eat them.

But they're pleasant, most people like them and there's absolutely nothing wrong in keeping them in the house.

Unless of course you have no self discipline and if you don't, then tbh keeping sweets/not keeping sweets in the house isn't going to make a jot of difference, as he'd probably just overeat the savoury stuff.

I don't find fat men attractive at all and no one can make you feel other than you do by piling on the guilt.
I have ended a relationship after he put on 3 stone in 2 years. It was like going to bed with a beached whale. He was greedy. Ate out loads while downing several pints of real ale. He was about 5'8" with bmi of 29 and looked obese as he carried it around his middle.
He went to his gp as his knees hurt and then got mad at the gp for suggesting he needs to drop 3 stone. He was furious and claimed he was stocky and would never be slim.
As people age their metabolism slows down so unless they eat less and move more, they will continue to gain weight.

A Dr told me years ago the big drops in metabolic rates start happening late 20's and then every 8-10 Years.
Which is why everyone who continues to eat like they did in their 20's get bigger every year.
Eventually your dh will suffer from being fat as everyone does eventually but if he refuses to accept that there is not a lot you can do.

Think people are being very harsh op. I wouldn't fancy my husband who is on the skinny side of normal if he gained loads of weight. I would
Still love him just wouldn't fancy him. I think this outrage stems from lots of people who are heavier than they would like ( I am one) and get very defensive if anyone mentions that's being overweight can make you less attractive to some people .

Careful Cjngs, you assigning personal responsibility here, that's not part of the approved narrative, someone or something has to be blamed and you should be accepted for 'who you are' no matter your lifestyle choices.

If a change in looks is all it takes for the OP to decide she doesn't fancy her DH then she must have married primarily for looks

Fancying is different to loving, caring, cherishing. It's a sexual thing.

I love and care about my brother. I don't fancy him!

I do agree that 14:10 is heavy for a man who is 5'10b in height; my DH (53) is 14'7 at 6'5 in height!

I'm about your DH's weight, sadly, at 5'7, though the fat balances out more, with bigger boobs and thighs as well as around my waist. I'm on anti-depressants and suffer from PTSD as a result of my traumatic childhood, and am constantly exhausted.

We've been married for 15 years now and have 2 adopted DDs (9 and 6). I was very slim when we met (about 10:3 and size 10), and I foolishly asked him whether he would fancy me if I was overweight. (I've always been a yo-yo dieter and I have clothes in all sizes from 10-18.) He answered me honestly that he didn't like big women - ouch! Well, I did ask lol.

He's never made one comment about my size, though once when we were on a group holiday with several other couples, I commented on a belly dancer, 'Oh to have a figure like that.' He said, 'Well, you could work on it.' He was pilloried by one of the other women, who said his reply had been insensitive; he apparently should have said, 'I love you just as you are, darling.'

So I know he probably doesn't fancy me so much now. We're not intimate because of my issues and because we're both too knackered, but there's probably another reason why he doesn't really try to be intimate with me. He's loving and kind, though, which I really do appreciate.

Only you know if you still want to be married to him. You say you love him, but you don't sound as if you do. I would be hurt if my DH started a thread with an OP like yours.

Re buying sweet things, I think it would be kinder not to do that. You can tell them they have to spend their pocket money on treats if they want to. I've done that in the past; now I do buy them limited chocolate treats, but my DH doesn't have a particularly sweet tooth (unlike me!).

@Amaried, I think it's more that there are lots of ways in which our physical selves change over time. If you can only fancy your partner as they are at the time when you get together first, then it's obviously not going to be conducive to a long-term relationship.

It's not just about weight but about wrinkles, changing facial features, greying hair, and infirmities/disabilities. Ultimately we may not find these things attractive, but if we cannot love somebody as they get older and their bodies change then we are ourselves perhaps not attractive prospects as partners! A successful long-term relationship will be build upon 'fancying' something inside each other, not just the current physical presentation.

Imagine if a man posted this about a woman.

Truth is, it's fine for anyone not to fancy another person for any reason. It's not fine to use terms such as "disgusting" to describe another person's appearance.

It's not just about weight but about wrinkles, changing facial features, greying hair, and infirmities/disabilities

Those are all natural parts of ageing. Surely everyone knows their partner will age and things may happen to them? Getting sloppy on grooming and hygiene and maintaining the healthiest body you can is quite a different matter.

Let's imagine this post as a husband posting about his wife:

"Ok, not morbidly. She's 5'10 and 14 stone with a huge gut, boobs and love handles and frankly I don't fancy her. She's38.

I've tried saying things jokingly, putting us both on a diet, I bought scales to have a challenge of who can lose the most. She sits down with this giant gut and it's gross. She's got a hugely sweet tooth so tried not buying treats but that's unfair on the kids. Very occasionally she'll run or play golf but never weights or abs stuff.

Bottom line - I don't fancy her at all."

Can you imagine the uproar?

OP - you are within your rights to be concerned about your husband's weight and not fancy him. But the language used in the OP is disgusting and shocking and shows you have no respect for him. It sounds like you don't even like him.

Exactly, @MotherOfDragonite I do fancy my DH for his appearance. I also like the way he takes pride in his appearance, shaves and has regular haircuts. I wouldn't be impressed if he didn't shave, for example, as I really don't like men with facial hair.

But wrinkles or an extra stone or two don't bother me. He did go up to 16:7 at one time, which still isn't massive for his height, but he developed high cholesterol and went on a careful diet. That's more a health concern, though. I wouldn't have been attracted to him in the first place if he had been very big, because I really don't find men with big beer bellies at all appealing.

I'm attracted to his sense of humour most, he makes me laugh and for me, that's the most important thing, as I really can't be bothered with men who take themselves too seriously.

I would feel the same about a husband posting about his wife.

He cannot MAKE himself fancy her.

Imagine if op was a man? The abuse you would get for daring to say anything about weight lol

Mn double standards