My husband is fat

[wingingatlife]

Ok, not morbidly. He's 5'10 and 14 stone with a huge gut, moobs and love handles and frankly I don't fancy him. He's 38.

I've tried saying things jokingly, putting us both on a diet, I bought scales to have a challenge of who can lose the most. He sits down with this giant gut and it's gross. He's got a hugely sweet tooth so tried not buying treats but that's unfair on the kids. Very occasionally he'll run or play golf but never weights or abs stuff.

Bottom line - I don't fancy him at all.

You don’t have to be sorry for how you feel, you can’t help that OP. You would be wise to express how you feel in more respectful and loving terms if you want to see positive change and/or continue in your marriage.

Came on to say what bellsbuss said.
Fuck me, the double standards on MN is staggering.

How can people imply that the OP is obliged to fancy her DH just because he is not yet medically obese?? Or that if she really loved him she would fancy him no matter what? How bizarre.

It is really hard to have feelings of physical revulsion for someone you love and once felt sexually attracted to. It seems that part of this revulsion is to do with his passivity, eating poorly and not exercising and not giving a toss. That is also a passion-killer in my experience. Ultimately though I think the change needs to come from him. If you tell him you don't fancy him that may just make him more depressed / defiant and fuel further overeating. Such a hard position to be in, OP.

I hold the same opinion as others and will try to put it in the most diplomatic way possible! Often when we are harbouring some issues with someone who is close to us, we can focus on trying to make them even more unappealing to us. It’s stupid because of course we should be doing the opposite, but it seems to be human nature! E.g. Your sister who has always been the favourite and can do nothing wrong: OMG the way she chews with her mouth open is revolting. Your next door neighbour who parks too close to your car: Urgh I can’t stand to look at her VPL in those gym leggings every morning!

What I’m saying is, take some time quietly and alone to truly think about your husband and how you feel about all aspects of him. His motivation, how he is around the house and with family organisation/ administration, how he is as a father, his dedication to you or his children, how he approaches life in general, and yes, how he looks TO YOU and what this means.

Basically I think there could be other factors at the base of this and if so, those are what you should raise (assuming you come to the conclusion that you are both still in this marriage for the long term) and find out if there are ways to compromise and work towards a happier marriage for both of you.

You cant help not fancying someone (i actually prefer bigger men. I like a bit of meat on their bones so therefor wouldnt find a very slim man attractive) that being said if you talk to him tthe way you talk about him perhaps he has gained weight through comfort eating. The words you use are disrespectful and hurtful and if you were a man using phrases like that about your wife then you would be getting a new arsehole ripped.
You say its about health too but you havent mentioned that in your op.
The suggestions about focusing on the health aspect as a family are good. But tbh from your description and tone then i would advise ending the relationship and allowing him to meet someone who does fancy him and appreciates him as more than just a 'giant gut with gross moobs'.
Then you will be free to find your perfectly toned slim man, i hope you are the same weight with the same perky boobs, arse and flat tummy you had in your 20's though.

It's fine to go through stages of not fancying your DH, but you talk about him with such disdain considering he's not actually vastly overweight. Is this symptomatic of your marriage in general? My OH is a similar build to yours because he's on medication for a life-threatening illness that makes him bloat, but I'd still want to be with him if it wasn't caused by that, because he and our relationship means to me than just how he looks.

He's got a hugely sweet tooth so tried not buying treats but that's unfair on the kids

It is not unfair on the kids. Treats are not an essential food group.

If your dh and kids have a similar diet it’s likely your kids will end up similarly overweight. Then how will you feel about them?

Get rid of the treats. It is not unfair not to have treats in the house. In fact it will be far better for both your dh and the kids if treats are just that, treats, rather than something else in the cupboard they can have when they want.

5'10 14st for a man close to 40 isn't that bad at all.

You come across as rude and quite frankly he'd be better off without you

I find it so strage that people are taking their DH height and weight and inputting it into a BMI calculator, I have no idea what my DH weighs

My husband and I both fluctuate with our weight and there are times we're slimmer and other times we're larger. The one thing that's constant is my love for him - he's the same man regardless of his size, just as I'm the same regardless of mine. His kindness, cleverness, sensitivity and sexiness always shine through, regardless of a few pounds up or down on the scales.

Sounds to me that you're already wobbling with your marriage and you're focusing on his weight as something to blame him for...?

I can only agree with Bellsbus.

Maybe this husband doesn’t think the OP is body-perfect either, but he’d get flamed if he so much as mentioned it.

Maybe he’s comfort eating for some reason?

Maybe right now he’s on a message board posting something like "My wife is shallow" ?

Haha I just did my DH BMI and I got something similar.... which is hilarious as he had his body FAT measured yesterday and it was at 11%

Just goes to show how useless BMI measurement is

But honestly OP if you don't fancy him then find a way to tell him gently. And don't buy sweet snacks for the cupboard. If you think the DC deserve sweets for treats then maybe buy them on a as and when basis??

Do you do the cooking?

Ridiculous really

5'10 14st for a man close to 40 isn't that bad at all.

And as it has been pointed out already people carry weight very differently. For one bloke those stats would just look like a bit of middle age spread, for another, all the weight may be collected around his stomach area and look like a huge beer belly.

I know it seems to be some kind of sacred cow on here for some to fancy your partner unilaterally no matter what, but meanwhile back in the real world people change in relationships for better and for worse, piling on the weight without good reason falls into the latter category and it is quite frankly a selfish attitude to have towards your partner.

Approx 2-5% of UK population exercise, run, are slim and fit.
Approx 65% of the population are overweight.

Good luck on tinder OP.

I know it seems to be some kind of sacred cow on here for some to fancy your partner unilaterally no matter what, but meanwhile back in the real world people change in relationships for better and for worse, piling on the weight without good reason falls into the latter category and it is quite frankly a selfish attitude to have towards your partner.

In the real world it is not ok to speak about someone that you supposedly love, in the way OP has.

He's actually only about 1 stone off the top end of a "normal" weight for a man, and we all know BMI charts are flawed. Yes he is overweight, but not by that much. Does he really have such a big gut (horrible term) and moobs (another horrible term) that you say he does?

I think there are more issues here than just his weight, but the terms you use about him shows how unhappy you are about it. Stop buying sweets, limit his portion sizes and second helpings, and get moving with him. Enoucrage him rather than destroy his self esteem.

My ExH at 6ft went from 14 stone to over 20 stone.
It just didn't matter to me.
I loved HIM, not what he looked like.
So to me, this just shows that you don't love him.
THAT is what you need to tackle here.
If it is really just the weight then I think you need to be honest with him.
If it's more then you need to look at what you want the outcome of this to be.

In what way, all she had done is point out that she does not fancy him any more due to his weight gain that has led to a large gut and man boobs. Hardly incendiary stuff. She has already tried to gently encourage him into losing weight but it has not worked. She wants the man she fell in love with back.

We really do need a separate message board for threads where people only want replies from people who agree with them.

She wants the man she fell in love with back.

She'd be ok if he started a long of things he doesn't like about her then I take it?

Unless she is perfect and not changed in the slightest then it is hypocritical for starters.

There are ways and means of saying things also. OP has chosen the wrong way.

It is not doing your children a favour or fair on them to buy them sugary and fattening “treats”. Surely there is a risk they pick up your husband’s unhealthy eating habits and carry them on into adulthood when it is harder to shift weight. If the food is bad for your husband, it is bad for your children.

Have you asked hom why he's doing it? Is he bored,depressed or something else rather than greedy?.Help him by not buying junk,maybe if if he had to go out to buy stuff hed realise just how much he's consuming.The kids don't need those foods either so everyone will benefit.

I think you should stop buying treats, full stop, and all eat better. It's not unfair on the kids at all. That's just an excuse which suggests you don't want to give it up yourself. There's nothing unfair about a healthy balanced diet. They dont have to stop snacking as kids do need energy - but it doesn't have to be on cakes and chocolate and crap. Your DH will probably still eat it when he's out but I think the evenings are usually the worst for any diet/ self control so not having it in the house may help enormously.

yourfamousblueraincoat Absolutely.