8 months after husband's affair - am I reacting normally?

[mendingheart]

Hello,
I am hoping to get some good advice from other women who may have walked in my shoes.

I am 31 and in February I discovered my husband (partner of 8 years) was having an affair with a work colleague. He did not disclose it at the time and only said he went on a few dates. In April, I discovered the truth that he was having a long-term affair over 8 months involving many hotel rooms and secret trips. All evidence leads me to believe that he truly loved her and was planning to leave me. In May the other woman contacted me and spilled out all the gory details and said that he did love her and was planning to leave me.

It's October (well end of) and my husband and I still love each other very much, we have done counselling and are planning to stay together. However, let's say about once a week I may bring up the affair and then it turns into an all out battle. My husband says he is leaving me and he has been through enough, saying nothing is worth living like this. I feel I am coping really well and trying my best to forget. But from time to time (sometimes twice a month or once a week) I slip and fall and mention things, or ask about some new evidence I think I have found. He completely explodes on my every time so I feel I have no one to talk to.

How can I help my husband be more understanding that my hurt won't go away that way quickly? Am I being normal?

I feel I can be harder on myself to never talk about - but then I do all the hurting alone. I feel trapped because I can't ask anything without him exploding.

Any advice or ideas to help me through this difficult time? I do not have any friends in similar situations so I feel very lonely and isolated with my emotions.

Thanks for any help or advice.

The same thing happened to me. A wise friend reminded me that he had known about the affair for 2 years ....he had 2 years of thinking about it, planning it, explaining & excusing it. I was entitled to a similar amount of time myself. I needed that time to enable me to come to terms with it. He needed to understand and accept that. I don't think I would have "come out the other side" without it.

Did you not address this during your counselling?

He's being very unfair on you here. You have to come to terms with the whole thing, especially if you're staying together. But I'm sure he gets angry because he doesn't want to talk about it.

Have you considered having individual counselling, so that you can talk some of these issues through with an objective 'ear'?

Looking for/finding new evidence doesn't sound very healthy to me - you know he had an affair, so there shouldn't be any need to look for new evidence. It's a bit like picking a scab!

I'm sorry for you. I don't think I could stay with my DH if I'd discovered he'd had an affair . Good luck and I hope you can make it work.,

We did address in counselling. Examples of things I have found were a gift for her Christmas present, photos of them in his phone. One of the issues I am having is that the other woman said he has cheated with multiple people. So today I saw a message to a colleague saying "hey babe" and then talking about some kind of meet-up and I just assumed the worst...

I always say how sorry I am after bringing it up. I don't mean to. It just comes out and I worry so much that he will cheat again or that he doesn't really love me. I am really trying to forget and move on, I just feel I have been through so much trauma in the last months.

Thank you for your advice.

Thanks for that. I wish I was given that time. I think it would really help me. I keep feeling like if I say one more thing he'll leave for good this time.

Then I beat myself up for mentioning anything but it's already too late.

Difficult one. I do think he needs to be open to reassuring you and discussing it if you need to.

But bringing it up once a week is a lot and it sounds like it's brought up in anger or frustration. Not in a discussion way. Which is bound to make someone defensive.

If I fucked up my relationship with Dp and we agreed to stay together and work at it, I couldn't stand to have it thrown in my face forever.

Perhaps more counselling is needed?

Do you really want to stay with this man? Do you think he's a good partner and that he has your back?

He has cheated on you, repeatedly lied to you and now when you want to discuss it, he threatens to go.

Well, I'd let him go. You know what will happen otherwise? He'll have another affair and tell you that you drove him to it.

mendingheart I don't have much to contribute because I'm going through almost exactly the same scenario, although DH swears that it never went as far as a kiss, but carried on for 18 months. I'm struggling to believe that and as a result, I'm still looking for evidence every now and again.

What I do know though, is that the arguments about this have to stop because those are what will break us. It rears its ugly head about every 2 or 3 weeks at the moment (also discovered in April), but only time will tell whether I will be able to move on from this, never mind 'us'.

It doesn't help that last night I discovered he's been using porn on his phone. I picked up his phone for something else (he was next to me) and clicked on Firefox browser, only for it to open his porn site. He's 50 years old for God's sake, not 18. It's pathetic - we only got married in June (10 years together). That doesn't help me to move forward positively either - I'm unsure how I feel and he's dented my trust yet again.

Sorry, never went further than a kiss

Do you really want to stay with him? It sounds like torture to constantly be thinking about it all -- not saying it's your fault at all, I'm sure most people would dwell on it after an affair.

You're reacting normally.

He isn't coping well with your totally normal reaction. He isn't able to take ownership of what he's done and help you through your emotions about it.

I'd consider leaving not because he cheated but because he can't handle the recovery process he would need in order to make your relationship work again.

Send him this list.

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

With mentioning it all the time, it shows that you no longer trust your husband. You keep finding ‘evidence’ that he is still cheating. Your relationship won’t survive until you can start trusting your husband.

(And why do you want to stick with him when he had an affair and told the ow he was leaving you for her).

I really don't bring it up all the time...
I guess what has really hurt me is how he made me find all the evidence rather than coming clean which makes me feel something is hiding.

I don't try to throw it in his face at all.

For example; I found a bunch of videos he had made for her and told him it hurt me to see those videos because a lot were taken while we were on holiday or something.

I really don't want to throw it in his face. Sometimes, I just feel I need a shoulder to cry on.

Thank you very much for your advice. I think I need to consider this as an option.

I am taking some time to myself to think about this alternative.

he lies and cheats on you for 8 months spends money on hotels and wooing her culminating in him about to leave you, no wonder you still bring it up and him threatening to leave when you do says it all, he doesn’t care or want to understand the effect of his behaviour, in you shoes I’d call it a day, the trust is trashed, he’s proved to you he’s not worth it.

unfortunately if I send this list he will be very angry with me. But I agree that this is what I am looking for at the moment.

I would so love if he put effort into a few or any of those things.

Once a week is all the time, imo.

And are you saying that you find something once a week?

If he hasn't been honest about any of it and you are still finding stuff, then it's still an issue. It's not gone. It won't until he can prove he is being honest about it.

IMO it was a mistake to stay with him. You clearly don’t trust him, which is understandable.

A man who after his wife discovering a long term affair who addresses another woman with “hey babe” in a text is not trustworthy.

Odds are also higher that OW was truthful about his other affairs than that she was lying.

I dont see how you can be with somebody who was basically building a life with another person; who said he loved them; who by the sounds of it has previous for this kind of thing; and who appears pretty much unrepentent. This isn’t a relationship - it’s torture. Do yourself a massive favour and go find yourself a nice, honest, decent man with integrity. Or be single.

I don't see how you can trust him again

I’m sorry but this really isn’t sustainable. He has broken your trust and is now punishing you as you work through your emotions. If you bring it up once a week, so fucking what. He should be doing all he can to support you as you rebuild your life. Instead he gets angry. Does this sound like someone who loves you?

I guess you are right. I can try and go longer. I hadn't brought it up in a while...not accusing or finding things but saying I am sad or asking for re-assurance that he actually wants to be with me...

I have found additional hurtful things a few times which I have brought up. (pictures, messages, more receipts, videos etc.)

The OW friends also bullied me on social media by sending me nasty messages in June which didn't help... (your husband never loved you etc. so your so called "husband", your husband begged for my friend back.)

Every now another of her friends will do something on social media and I'll see pictures of the woman etc. So sometimes it is something such as that.

I'll try harder to not bring things up, I'll try and go for a month at a time.

The little bastard has done a real number on you, hasn't he? He cheated, and yet somehow you are the one feeling guilty (for bringing it up).

Oh, and he texts other women, calling them "Babe" and expects you to be okay with that? What a turd.

He's a fucking dick head, and I daresay you'd be better off without him.

I'd hit the roof if my DH messaged another woman and called her "Babe", and that's without the prior cheating element.

Perhaps you should sleep with another man, and then text various Men, calling them Babe. That would be okay with him yes?

Chuck him out, seriously he isn't worthy of you. And he shows no sign of being sorry and trying to make it up to you.

I feel I am coping really well and trying my best to forget
You will NEVER EVER forget this.
If that's what you or he are expecting, then you are in for a long wait.

He gets angry when you bring this up.
This is not OK and not normal.

Please consider ending this especially if there are no kids involved.
You won't ever trust him fully again.
And you've already been told he's done this multiple times.

Is he really worth all this?
From what you've said about him, I don't think so.

Please have some counselling on your own.
Away from him.
He sounds pretty abusive if I'm honest, and joint counselling with someone who gets angry at you for bringing up the shitty things HE did, is never recommended!

The lies, the ongoing deceit, the hurt, the anger, that will never truly go away OP.
Cut your loses now.
Do the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.
I'm seeing a lot of red flags here that you seem to be ignoring.

Know that you deserve far better than a lying cheating scumbag.
Raise your bar for the next one.
Never ever accept this kind of treatment!

It feels so good to have comments and advice from other people, all I can say is thank-you for writing something. I feel so alone through all of this.

I am going to opt for counselling on my own and do some serious thinking on my own and whether I can salvage this relationship.

Don't forget that you can't salvage this on your own.
Once you've had some space and some counselling, he really does need to understand that this will come up. Again and again.
And he needs to come to terms with that and be ready to answer any of your questions. Or beg for forgiveness AGAIN, if that's what it's going to take.
HE should be doing everything he can to reassure you.
Make you feel loved.
Be there to let you vent and rant at him.

While you are thinking, he should do some reading up on the effects of affairs on the cheated partner!
But I honestly don't think he will because I don't think he really cares that much.