8 months after husband's affair - am I reacting normally?

[mendingheart]

Hello,
I am hoping to get some good advice from other women who may have walked in my shoes.

I am 31 and in February I discovered my husband (partner of 8 years) was having an affair with a work colleague. He did not disclose it at the time and only said he went on a few dates. In April, I discovered the truth that he was having a long-term affair over 8 months involving many hotel rooms and secret trips. All evidence leads me to believe that he truly loved her and was planning to leave me. In May the other woman contacted me and spilled out all the gory details and said that he did love her and was planning to leave me.

It's October (well end of) and my husband and I still love each other very much, we have done counselling and are planning to stay together. However, let's say about once a week I may bring up the affair and then it turns into an all out battle. My husband says he is leaving me and he has been through enough, saying nothing is worth living like this. I feel I am coping really well and trying my best to forget. But from time to time (sometimes twice a month or once a week) I slip and fall and mention things, or ask about some new evidence I think I have found. He completely explodes on my every time so I feel I have no one to talk to.

How can I help my husband be more understanding that my hurt won't go away that way quickly? Am I being normal?

I feel I can be harder on myself to never talk about - but then I do all the hurting alone. I feel trapped because I can't ask anything without him exploding.

Any advice or ideas to help me through this difficult time? I do not have any friends in similar situations so I feel very lonely and isolated with my emotions.

Thanks for any help or advice.

My heart goes out to you. I could have written many of your posts over the years. I thought I was doing everything to make his life easy. I put my whole self into the relationship.

It doesn’t work. If he doesn’t love you, he’ll never see it. Meanwhile you’ll bury yourself trying to make it work.

You won’t get a sudden revelation or explanation either. But you’ll put energy into hoping for one.

Your must remember - it’s not your fault. He’s the one who’s done the dealbreaking behaviour. Not you.

So he treated you badly at the time too.

From what you say about your efforts and expense during his affair I wonder whether, over the course of your relationship, you put in much, much more effort than he did. And despite his recent and current behaviour you are still doing this.

It sounds like you've made all the effort in your relationship and him none. What was his justification for the affair?

He may well love you, but the way he has behaved for some time now has not been loving, kind or respectful (putting it mildly!).

He also prioritises his own personal wishes to flirt and date other women - and for you not to express your deep pain and anger about his affair - over you and your relationship.

I genuinely cannot see how a person could love someone and treat them the way he has and is treating you.

After everything you have been through I know that is so hard to consider.

The way you treated him was with love. That is not reciprocated.

If you don’t have children then get the hell out of this marriage now. You are still so young and you have so much life ahead of you.

• even if you did have had kids I’d still say run, but obviously it’s a little more complex

I think his complacency is made worse by the fact you have always went out on a limb for him, he has come to expect your loyalty 100%, no matter what and even now you are still showing it, perhaps a wee sharp shock to his selfishness would help, maybe he needs to actually feel the possibility of losing you, not the other way around.

@SchnitzelVonKrumm
Well he said a few things.
Before I found out about the affair (when he said he went on 4 dates) he said it was because he didn't want to be at home.

Then when I found out he said a few things like:

1. stress of dog death
2. the stress of new house
3. having mid-life crisis
4. lost his mind
5. felt young again

I am not sure if these are acceptable answers but these are what I have been given...

How old is he?!

He wants you to STFU and get back to doing the Pick Me dance.

He should be desperate for your forgiveness and trying hard to work things through with you, not getting angry with you for having perfectly understandable feelings. It's like he expected you to just forget all about it. It feels like he's staying with you for convenience or something not because he really wants the marriage to get back on track.

I just think you deserve so much better xx

Haven’t RTWT but when I was a teenager I had an affair with an older man who ended up going back to his wife (who forgave him, presumably). The affair went on for a similar time to your DHs and he was an utter cunt.

Anyway she took him back when he and I went our separate ways. I cannot imagine what she was thinking. He lied and cheated and trashed her name- the things he used to say about her!!! I don’t wish to upset you further but he will have spun her a whole line absolutely slagging you off and making excuses for himself.

Also if he’s cheated once he will have done it multiple times. Mine had slept with more than just me outside of his marriage.

I would not be dedicating the rest of My life to him in your position. Move on and find a loyal partner. You’ll never trust him again anyway and also he’s an arsehole- you deserve better.

Run don’t walk.

I got those reasons too OP, minus death of dog but substituted by his mum was dying and our business had issues. I disagree with others that he doesn’t love you, I think he probably does in his way but piss poor behaviour isn’t balanced out by whether he loves you or not. Do I think my H loves me, undoubtedly and he tells me a lot, did it stop him being a twat for a period of time, no!! You just have to think whether his’love’ is quite the same as your definition of ‘love’ as lots of people have said love is a verb, not just an emotion , it involves caring for you and doing positive stuff for both of you not just ‘being there’ , oh and my H refuses to read ‘just good friends ‘ too, said it was dragging up bad feelings on his side of something that was long past and that he was ashamed of

Can only say it must have been a helluva dog.

(Seriously, even taken together those excuses don't justify eight months of cheating, lying, gaslighting and risking your sexual health, let alone his lazy and contemptuous behaviour since.)

Be honest: what does he actually bring - what did he ever bring - to your relationship? You do all the emotional labour, you organise his social life, I bet you do more cooking/shopping/cleaning, and he does ... what exactly? What would he do if you had a child and couldn't focus on his needs and wants 24/7, or if you had a serious illness, or were depressed?

When they have an affair they move on. It isn’t that he doesn’t love you, it’s that (sorry to be cruel but I’ve been there) he doesn’t even think of you. He has moved on mentally. My Ex H did the same, mid life crisis etc the full script. He behaved like a teenager with no responsibilities. The grass was greener and although he loved me his anology was the wife is like a well loved old car and the other women was the Porsche. Dick.

I agree with @ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName
He will have bashed your personality to high heaven. I really can’t see any positive reasons for staying. You don’t have the excuse of kids, which most men and women use. So you really have to look at yourself and analyse it all. You don’t have the luxury of burying your head in the sand for the sake of the kids. And in my opinion that’s a very good thing.

Sorry, haven't read whole thread just some. If your husband really wants to be with you and start a new life together you will totally feel loved, cared for and certain. He will be open and honest at all times and will tell you his whereabouts and schedule without you having to ask. He will build bridges and be focused on making sure you are happy. Even though you will naturally have wobbles they will not be caused by the present but the past. I think you would benefit from some time away from him to see how you really feel about it all. This time apart will also let him feel what it's like to not have you and he may be uncertain if you want to continue the relationship. He needs to feel what he could lose as at the moment it's all about him.

In answer to your question of does he love you, I would say he still loved the other woman and this is why he behaves aggressively when you question him. He hasn't come back to you fully, his heart is still elsewhere. She is possibly lurking in the background and they are still in touch. His behaviour points to him still feeling in love with her. He may love you but he is "in" love with her.

You deserve more.
Do the 180!

I found out about my husbands affair with my best friend in Jan. the affair was 8 years ago and long over so, he has done everything a pp has said a cheating spouse need to do to help me heal and I still bring it up. If we didn’t have kids And he was doing any one of the things your partner is doing I’d be gone.

How dare he behave as if this is your problem! Get angry Op. then use that anger to 180 and break free.

I’m so angry on your behalf.

I have always given my all to him. I always cared for him so much. I helped him overcome any obstacle.

You should read a book called ‘Women who love too much’. Why are you sacrificing your life and happiness for a man who cheats and doesn’t treat you very well.

I’d be inclined to believe the OW that he’s cheated with others too.

In answer to your question of does he love you, I would say he still loved the other woman and this is why he behaves aggressively when you question him. He hasn't come back to you fully, his heart is still elsewhere. She is possibly lurking in the background and they are still in touch. His behaviour points to him still feeling in love with her. He may love you but he is "in" love with her

I also think this ^

I think it’s normal for you to ask questions. I also think the questions you ask should get further and further apart as he answers you honestly and with some damn respect. The reason you’re still asking weekly / fortnightly is because he’s not giving you the answers and reassurance you deserve.

He fucked up. This is his fault. Not yours. Please stop apologising to him. You are not to blame in any of this. He’s making you feel shit for his wrong doing and that is not ok.

I hope you realise you are worth more than this and stop letting him make you feel so insignificant and shit.

Please walk away from this vile man. It won’t get any better because of his damn attitude.

I expect you'll strongly disagree with me here OP but I don't think you love your DH as much as you think you do; instead I think you are codependent on him. How could you possibly love someone who tramples so blatantly and deliberately all over your emotional and sexual health? You got with him when you were pretty young and I would guess you are probably more scared of an unknown future rather than scared of a future without him. Better the devil you know and all that.

www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship#1

"What Is a Codependent Relationship?"

"The first step in getting things back on track is to understand the meaning of a codependent relationship. Experts say it's a pattern of behavior in which you find yourself dependent on approval from someone else for your self-worth and identity."

"One key sign is when your sense of purpose in life wraps around making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner's needs."

" 'Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess, where one person doesn't have self-sufficiency or autonomy,' says Scott Wetzler, PhD, psychology division chief at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. 'One or both parties depend on their loved ones for fulfillment.' "

I agree with the last post and the signs of codependency.

I am trying the infidelity 180 as the first step to getting myself detached.

I have only done this 2 days and already I feel better. Just not responding to text messages as quickly, sleeping upstairs. I also have plans alone all weekend.

I think this is also something I'll address in my individual counselling.

OP you're starting to be kind to yourself... thinking of you for a change ... this is a good thing

I'm pleased to hear that OP. I hope you have a lovely weekend.