8 months after husband's affair - am I reacting normally?

[mendingheart]

Hello,
I am hoping to get some good advice from other women who may have walked in my shoes.

I am 31 and in February I discovered my husband (partner of 8 years) was having an affair with a work colleague. He did not disclose it at the time and only said he went on a few dates. In April, I discovered the truth that he was having a long-term affair over 8 months involving many hotel rooms and secret trips. All evidence leads me to believe that he truly loved her and was planning to leave me. In May the other woman contacted me and spilled out all the gory details and said that he did love her and was planning to leave me.

It's October (well end of) and my husband and I still love each other very much, we have done counselling and are planning to stay together. However, let's say about once a week I may bring up the affair and then it turns into an all out battle. My husband says he is leaving me and he has been through enough, saying nothing is worth living like this. I feel I am coping really well and trying my best to forget. But from time to time (sometimes twice a month or once a week) I slip and fall and mention things, or ask about some new evidence I think I have found. He completely explodes on my every time so I feel I have no one to talk to.

How can I help my husband be more understanding that my hurt won't go away that way quickly? Am I being normal?

I feel I can be harder on myself to never talk about - but then I do all the hurting alone. I feel trapped because I can't ask anything without him exploding.

Any advice or ideas to help me through this difficult time? I do not have any friends in similar situations so I feel very lonely and isolated with my emotions.

Thanks for any help or advice.

HE has been through enough??
Words fail me. You are young. Get out now and start again with someone who genuinely loves you.

He wants his nice life with you - shared friends, nice house, etc.

But he also wants fun with other women.

You aren’t his priority - he’s thinking only if himself and what he wants for a nice easy life.

Please don’t let yourself be used - you deserve someone who loves you for being you, not someone who you have to perform to and be nice to simply to make them pay attention to you.

Does anyone else know about his affair?

Your family?
His family and friends?

Quite often when you protect...You get this kind of nonsense. Why? ..because there haven't been any consequences.

He's had 8 months of extra marital sex...hotels and treating his OW and lavishing her.

There's nothing that signifies or indicates an ounce of remorse.

I'd be telling him to get lost.

He doesn't love you op. HE was the one sneaking around, sleeping with someone else, buying her expensive gifts and stays in hotels while YOU were at home none the wiser. Of course he is going to tell you he didn't love her, you took him back and he now thinks he holds the power. Eight months is such a long time to have an affair. That's 8 months of lies, betrayals and broken trust. And now here you are, desperately trying to hold onto your broken marriage and he is doing nothing to help you.hes already broken his promises to read a book and write a letter . If he really wanted to save your marriage he should be writing letters every day saying how sorry he is and how much he loves you. Instead he says he wants to be left alone. You've tried, so hard, and he hasn't.

Remember that old saying...
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
He's treating you like a fool and by allowing that, you're proving him right. I know that sounds really harsh, but it's a self fulfilling prophecy. He treats you like shit and rather that turfing him out on his cheating arse, you put up with more of his shit to try and save a relationship that's not worth saving IMO.

There are some really good comments here and I was denying the truth for so long.

I see it in his actions.

I know what I have to do.

Bless you all.

I pray for my own strength to be strong enough.

I have nothing useful to add op. Loads of excellent advice here. I know it's a lot to take in but a good point to start is by sleeping separately and refusing to have sex with him while you get your head straight.

Praying for strength and healing for you. Hugs
Xx

mendingheart big hugs to you. I said what I said earlier because I’ve been there. I stayed after the first affair, only for him to have another one. So I’ve lost years to this man and I’m still trying to escape from him.

We all deserve better than this awful treatment. I hope you can find a straightforward way to go your separate ways.

Unfortunately he feels that him staying his bending over backwards for me - well there you have it. He's done you a favour staying with you. He's not staying because he is truly sorry and cannot live without you.

Go and make a good life without him. You'll never feel at peace with him.

Words are cheap, they don’t cost a penny. Focus on his actions. He should be doing anything and everything to make right his wrongs. But he really really isn’t. He actually sounds narcissistic. The focus is all on how HE feels. You can’t reason with an unreasonable person.

You are reacting normally but you might not be willing to forgive him and that's OK too. He frankly needs to let you vent if he wants to make this work. If you need to shout and scream, he needs to take it because he is the one that ruined it not you.

I don't think he cares that he cheated to be honest, and hes either still doing it or he will again. I would cut your losses and ditch him. You deserve better and happiness. He doesn't.

@santaclarita I truthfully have forgiven him with my whole heart. I still love him dearly and have been taking every action I can to put this behind me. I want to give him a second change. It's so hard when I feel the effort is not being put in at all.

It just concerns me that if I do have something to say he becomes so mean too me.

It's hard to accept, but he doesn't care about your feelings. He didn't then, and he doesn't now. If he did then he wouldn't blow up at you when you need reassurance because of something he did. Now are you going to place your trust in someone who doesn't care if you're hurting? Where do you think that would lead you? Better to end the relationship and be sad for a few months than to carry on being sad for the rest of your life in my opinion.

Wise words I read on here once: no matter how much effort you put in, you can only ever be 50 percent of a relationship. It's clear from your husband's actions that he's not bothered about being the other 50 percent, so take control now and end it. Otherwise I fear you'll just be waiting for him to find another someone else that he will leave for.

He cheated on you
He considered leaving you
The OW told you about the whole sordid affair
You are still discovering more about the affair
He flirts with others
He guilt trips you despite him being the wrong doer
Think about this OP. Is this the life you want for yourself?

I want to give him a second change

Youve given him I'm a second chance and he's still pissing all over you. He says he feels like he's bending over backwards, so he bloody well should be! He sounds a self centered arrogant cock tbh.

Something I post on here quite a lot.
Take note OP!

The more chances you give someone
The less respect they’ll start to have for you.
They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set
Because they’ll know another chance will always be given.
They’re not afraid to lose you because
They know, no matter what, you won’t walk away.
They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness.
Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you!

So what are you going to do, OP? Surely you can see by now that you're the only one putting any effort into this relationship?

Are you just going to put up with it? Because I pity your emotional and mental health is this is the road you're planning on going down.

Honestly, I don't think this is salvageable and agree with the others, he is turning this around onto you. He is not being reassuring. You deserve better than this.

Hells bells melons, so very true!!

What was your relationship like before this affair started? Was it awful? Were you living separate lives? Were you taking him for granted? Being disrespectful? Was it an unhappy home? Did you ignore him? Treat him badly? Abuse him in anyway?

My guess is that, in your mind, you had a happy home and things were good.

Please don’t think for one moment that I am trying to condone a person having an affair. I certainly am not. But if things were really really bad between you then perhaps you could understand how a person might stop prioritising their partner.

What I am trying to point out to you is this - your relationship should have been enough. You sound so lovely and considerate and forgiving. Yet he went and betrayed your trust and shat ALL OVER the good thing you had.

It takes a very selfish, egotistical, entitled individual to behave how he did and how he continues to.

I think you are hankering after what you guys had before he ruined it. But that it gone now thanks to him.

His true character is the one you are seeing now. He doesn’t have your back. You are not a priority to him. I’m sorry but you just aren’t.

To be honest, while he was having the affair. I was doing everything I could to help him. He said he was lonely and depressed and missed home. So I tried everything to cheer him up.

I found him a sport team to play on and watched all the games. I invited friends around all the time on weekend so the house was full. I even asked my friends to reach out more cause he was dealing with something I couldn't understand. I planned plays on the weekends and fun trips.

I was spending all my money trying to keep things fun and engage with him.

He kept saying he was out with work colleagues and I kept telling him to go and stay out late because I was really happy he was making friends. I never once asked where he was. I was just happy he seemed to have so many new friends...

I have always given my all to him. I always cared for him so much. I helped him overcome any obstacle.

We have always had an amazing life and relationship - filled with lots of fun, friends, travel, connection with eachother.

Then, our dog was put down and he just turned on me one day. Started this very depressed/angry phase (which I now know was due to the affair which started 3 weeks before we moved into the new house we bought together) but I didn't understand what was happening.

Jesus. You sound like such a wonderful, giving, caring and thoughtful person.

Despite all you did he STILL did what he did. And he DARES to minimise your feelings and try to brush everything under the carpet.

He’s been through enough?!!!!

Find your anger OP. You posted here because you KNOW this isn’t right.

It just concerns me that if I do have something to say he becomes so mean too me
He does this because he can.
Because he knows that you will put up and shut up and let him get away with it.
So he will continue to do this unless you start to stand up for yourself.
Stop accepting being treated as a 2nd class citizen by this nasty, lying cheat.
I honestly cannot see for the life of me, what you get out of this relationship now????
Please explain?

I thought it was a mistake that could be forgiven.
I thought we could move on and come out stronger.
I thought he would do all those things. Make me feel extra loved, write the letters, show me how much I mean to him and be there for me when I was feeling low.

I guess it's just not happening really is it.

Is it because he doesn't love me? I don't know.

Maybe he just can't see beyond himself and does not understand the true pain of what he has done.