8 months after husband's affair - am I reacting normally?

[mendingheart]

Hello,
I am hoping to get some good advice from other women who may have walked in my shoes.

I am 31 and in February I discovered my husband (partner of 8 years) was having an affair with a work colleague. He did not disclose it at the time and only said he went on a few dates. In April, I discovered the truth that he was having a long-term affair over 8 months involving many hotel rooms and secret trips. All evidence leads me to believe that he truly loved her and was planning to leave me. In May the other woman contacted me and spilled out all the gory details and said that he did love her and was planning to leave me.

It's October (well end of) and my husband and I still love each other very much, we have done counselling and are planning to stay together. However, let's say about once a week I may bring up the affair and then it turns into an all out battle. My husband says he is leaving me and he has been through enough, saying nothing is worth living like this. I feel I am coping really well and trying my best to forget. But from time to time (sometimes twice a month or once a week) I slip and fall and mention things, or ask about some new evidence I think I have found. He completely explodes on my every time so I feel I have no one to talk to.

How can I help my husband be more understanding that my hurt won't go away that way quickly? Am I being normal?

I feel I can be harder on myself to never talk about - but then I do all the hurting alone. I feel trapped because I can't ask anything without him exploding.

Any advice or ideas to help me through this difficult time? I do not have any friends in similar situations so I feel very lonely and isolated with my emotions.

Thanks for any help or advice.

A 180 requires a total turn around which is good. I think you should ask him to give you some time to sort your head out so you can see how you feel. Get him in the back foot so to speak. He needs to feel the possibility of losing you. He really sounds like s man who is not over his affair though. If he was totally committed to you and your relationship you would not have these doubts. He would make you feel more secure.

I genuinely don't understand why anyone would stay with someone who disrespects them so much. It wasn’t a ons.
I get that people are scared of losing a nice life and they have kids and mortgages etc.
But is this really worth it, it will never go away.

I frequently these days don’t respond to my Hs texts at all OP, I’m certainly not hanging around waiting to text back etc. I became far too Co dependent I feel, partly because we work together too and you know what somewhere in that covdependency I think he lost respect, so bollox to that!!! You put yourself 100% first for a damn good while

Hi there, I have had a similar experience where the aftermath of the affairs was even more painful than finding out about them.

It seems like me you are in the process of discovering that the person who betrayed you has long ago justified all their actions to themself and in the process reduced you to an object to be lied to and used by them

I'm not sure there is a lot you can do about this. Your choices are to either walk away or to get into that swamp with them and agree that you are that object and it is perfectly ok to disrespect you.

It sounds as if at the moment, his way of thinking is that he loves the OW but has done you the massive favour of staying with you and you should accept his resentment and lies. Dont buy that shit!

I would recommend counselling, but for yourself, not marriage counselling. I'm sure your self-esteem has taken a battering from being with this person.

Believe me, the most valuable lesson from this, is that in finding out there is no love or respect for you in a marriage, you can find that in you for yourself.
All the Best xx

Agree Demented

"She isn't a very nice person".

Neither is your husband OP; that's why they ended up gravitating towards each other, 'birds of a feather flock together'.

It's also not beyond the realm of truth that, as she said, she's not the only woman he's been cheating on you with. He sounds like a selfish, manipulative, low)no integrity bastard. Please make sure you do not have children by this man.

I am aware my husband is not very nice.
I am not defending him - but I am just saying it wasn’t very nice of her either to send me nasty things as well as her friends.

I mean I am already broken to the core - do people really need to dump their guilt on me?

Ahhh op. Of course she has behaved absolutely appallingly towards you with her nasty comments. As have her friends. Don't even get me started on the actual affair.

How are you feeling now? You've been through such a difficult time and there's still a long way to go. I'm glad the fog is lifting wrt to your husbands behaviour post affair.

Your husband has been awful to you. He does not have the right to be angry when you bring up the affair. Does he think you can just switch back to being normal? He is an idiot.

I think the ow was lashing out at you because your husband probably promised her the world and let her down to go back to you. She probably thinks if she can break up your reunion she could hurt him back.

You should be angry too. I have no idea why you're even there. He cheated, he lied, he hadn't done anything he said he would to repair your trust and relationship. It's ALL about him, and nobody else.

Do one last thing that he has asked you to do. Leave him alone. Forever. Walk away with your head high knowing that you tried, you did everything you could to fix it and he didn't. You're young, you sound lovely. You could have a wonderful future (in time) with someone that respects and deserves you.

Op I know it's hard but please don't disregard that she is still in the background. Usually men who are defensive angry and impatient with you after their affair still have feelings towards the other woman. When you have your husband back, the one you married, you will know it. He will be deeply remorseful and doing everything to rebuild with you. So tying yourself up in knots trying to work out what your doing wrong may be a waste of time if he's not really committed to you and still seeing her

How do you know the affair is actually over?

His heart isn't with you and he doesn't deserve it.

He's either taken the affair underground or he still has strong feelings for her.

I don’t think her reaction is aimed at you, it’s probably aimed at him.
Try to remember that he’s probably rounded her the world. That he loves her, he can’t stand you, you don’t make him happy, she is the one for him.
He’s used you both, and all you’ve both ended up doing is blaming each other whilst he’s cock of the hen house.
Both of you need to see this. He is not a good man.
This always happens, this woman is a bitch, blah blah. Yeah sure. But who the fuck engineers this situation??????????

Promised her the world! Even

The OW certainly sounds like a piece of work, and her friends bailing in too! Like mean girls getting involved in the middle of an immature teenage love affair!?

Dont forget though, that he is the one who created this ridiculous triangle, he made vows to you. Who knows what he has told her about you and your relationship in an attempt to justify himself and look like less of a shit. What was his reaction to the OW and her friends contacting you? Was he offended? Protective? Maybe his ego enjoys a cat fight over him?

Did you do anything to preempt these messages from her? It's really quite odd she and her friends would just suddenly start messaging you with nasty comments. Did you send her anything?

Bottom line though is she's irrelevant. It's him your married to, and for some reason trying to cling on to. That's what needs to be resolved.

If he has fallen out of love, even with thr best of intentions op, it's very very difficult to get that back. And it does sound like he's fallen out of love. This doesn't mean he doesn't care for you or even love you, but loving someone and being in love are very different things.

Ah OP sorry if my post sounded like I thought you were defending him; I didn't and wasn't saying that.
What I was clumsily trying to say is that they're both scumbags, hence they gravitated towards each other and an affair; while you are not. From all you've written, you are too good and nice for him and the people he gets involved with. You're above them, need to get away from him and j really hope you do.

That's what I was trying to point out.

(Her friends are sky, nasty bitches as well).

(Silly)

In saying the above I have a feeling he's even worse than her because he probably lied about your marriage. (She's single, I presume).

She and her friends behaviour in the aftermath however is ridiculous and incredibly nasty.

@Merville I did not think that at all ❤️ I really don’t blame anyone. I am just shocked and surprised that people can live life in a way that hurts others so much. Anyways the point is I never wanted to be associated with those kinds of people.

@bluntness100 I did nothing to preempt the messages. Actually I had no clue who she was until she messaged me. Then after I discovered her and her friends had been watching my social media since the beginning.

Thank you all for the messages. I have taken all of this feedback to heart and I feel confident in the next steps I am planning to take.

Good for you Mending. A plan is always good and something to focus on

@mendingheart
How are you getting on?

My husband had an emotional affair that I found out about, around 3 months ago. We were separated for a month, I recently went back since we have kids together. We are trying to see if things will work out between us, if we both want to live together and have a relationship. Taking things slowly and seeing what it feels like now.

I wish you all the best!