8 months after husband's affair - am I reacting normally?

[mendingheart]

Hello,
I am hoping to get some good advice from other women who may have walked in my shoes.

I am 31 and in February I discovered my husband (partner of 8 years) was having an affair with a work colleague. He did not disclose it at the time and only said he went on a few dates. In April, I discovered the truth that he was having a long-term affair over 8 months involving many hotel rooms and secret trips. All evidence leads me to believe that he truly loved her and was planning to leave me. In May the other woman contacted me and spilled out all the gory details and said that he did love her and was planning to leave me.

It's October (well end of) and my husband and I still love each other very much, we have done counselling and are planning to stay together. However, let's say about once a week I may bring up the affair and then it turns into an all out battle. My husband says he is leaving me and he has been through enough, saying nothing is worth living like this. I feel I am coping really well and trying my best to forget. But from time to time (sometimes twice a month or once a week) I slip and fall and mention things, or ask about some new evidence I think I have found. He completely explodes on my every time so I feel I have no one to talk to.

How can I help my husband be more understanding that my hurt won't go away that way quickly? Am I being normal?

I feel I can be harder on myself to never talk about - but then I do all the hurting alone. I feel trapped because I can't ask anything without him exploding.

Any advice or ideas to help me through this difficult time? I do not have any friends in similar situations so I feel very lonely and isolated with my emotions.

Thanks for any help or advice.

Leave him, seriously, what is the point??

He had the affair...yet you're walking on eggshells. His attitude is not that of a remorseful spouse.

Without remorse...you'll tick along...but the stain won't even fade...because he's not doing the heavy lifting.

I don't get the impression he was at risk of losing you...or that he felt it.

Those social media taunts are shocking... yet you get no comfort or reassurance from him.

I think you need some emotional resilience. You need to work on yourself. I'd recommend doing some form of the infidelity 180.

It's for you to build up your self esteem. To built a social/support network outside of your marriage.

There's nothing you've said ths6 indicates he actually loves you.

Honestly...until you call him out on his behaviour he won't stop.

I remember a msn pining after his OW when the affair ended. In the end his wife said she'd had enough. He should go. She wouldn't get in the way of him seeing the DC. That it would be an even split of assets....but she was sick of him acting like the victim after he'd had a year long affair...and he should pack and leave.

He's the one who told me...That was the best thing his wife did...and he respected her so much after that.

Your options:

He can answer your questions without rage.

He can refuse...and you can emotionally detach from him.

Or...you can act like it's all good and have your mental health take a battering.

Or you can call time on the marriage because he's not remorseful

I'd recommend taking a look at what a remorseful spouse looks like in the wayward forum at the link below.

www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?fid=13

Your H isn't remorseful. You just need to gain some strength then decide if this is good enough for you.

Could you try going back to counselling?

I think that this marriage is moribund, OP.

He doesn't seem bothered either way.

He's sniffing around new women - "Babe" is probably one of a few - already.

The OW's friends were spiteful but probably not untruthful.

Surely you deserve more?

He had an affair. He abused your trust. He lied. He had sex with someone else. He shared hotel rooms with someone else. I’m sorry OP. I’ve been there. My ExH had an affair. He didn’t want to talk about it. I felt I was going to die. He left to live with the OW. Best thing that ever happened was him leaving. Because it made a decision and meant I could one day move on. I doubt I would ever have really loved him again as deep down I knew I would never trust him and everything he went out or was late home I would stress myself out over it. I really think I would have ended up with depression or other stress related illnesses if he hadn’t left. Don’t get me wrong I loved him before the affair. Him leaving wasn’t easy but at least I could repair myself without having to worry how he felt and upsetting him.

Leave him. He broke your trust and that can never be repaired.

Before I start always remember this....

HE WHO CARES THE LEAST IN A RELATIONSHIP HOLDS THE MOST POWER

All evidence leads me to believe that he truly loved her and was planning to leave me.

What's his response to this?

It's October (well end of) and my husband and I still love each other very much

His actions say otherwise.

about once a week I may bring up the affair and then it turns into an all out battle. My husband says he is leaving me and he has been through enough

Manipulation from him. What about what you've been through? He's playing the victim here.

He completely explodes on my every time so I feel I have no one to talk to.

That's unacceptable after he's cheated.

How can I help my husband be more understanding that my hurt won't go

He doesn't care and it's not your job to help him. He should be doing all the research and learning on his own with the help of individual counselling.

Why did he feel entitled?

I feel trapped because I can't ask anything without him exploding.

today I saw a message to a colleague saying "hey babe"

I'd bet he's still a cheat and believe what the OW said.

I keep feeling like if I say one more thing he'll leave for good this time

Let him go. He does this to shut you up. So you don't dare mention it. Stand up for yourself. He really doesn't deserve you.

Usually if I ask for something to do with healing I may get blown up at

Shocking and unremorseful.

if I bring anything up I will get told very mean things

Unremorseful and abusive.

unfortunately if I send this list he will be very angry with me

Unremorseful.

What has your husband actually done to repair the marriage apart from some joint counselling? Did he leave his job or move department to avoid the ow? Has he been open with his phone and computer use? Do you get the impression that the affair would still be going on if you hadn’t found out?

Everything you’ve said so far points to the fact that he isn’t truly sorry and expects everything to go back to how it was before. I know you love him but you deserve so much better than a cheat who shouts at you.

I realize all of these things. But where do I start? Should I even try sharing the resources or telling him his behavior isn't fair too me?

Do I move upstairs? I just don't even know where to start at the moment.

Don't let him go,^^ TELL him to go. He's soiled goods, not good enough for you. And you can tell the skeevy OW's mates that next time they're in touch.

he says that everything the woman told me was a lie about leaving and him loving her.

She's not a very nice person. This is based on the short interactions I had with her as well as her friends behavior towards me. (i am probably biased on this one...)

She did seem out for blood and like she wanted to make me hurt.

And yet he chose to fuck her in nice hotels and buy her presents instead of you OP.

If your husband is truly remorseful he should be falling over himself to make sure you trust him again. Instead he is angry with you and calling other women "Babe". You keep finding things connected to the affair - pictures, receipts, videos, messages - why has he not gone through his things and got rid of everything? If he respected you he'd be making damn sure there was nothing for you to find. He'd be doing anythign he could to win back your trust and love.

It sounds like he's done the counselling, considers the whole thing over, and is just behaving as normal.

What he doesn't seem to get is that he broke your trust, he has to earn it again, and that just because you've had counselling together, it's far from finished never to be mentioned again.

Meanwhile, you're letting him walk all over you and you're treating him as if you're doing something wrong and are hoping that he'll choose you.

You need to stop!

He has a lot to do to repair your marriage, and by what you've said he not only sounds like he's not interested in doing anything further, but he's treating you terribly and shifting blame for the continued lack of trust onto you!

He doesn't sound much of a catch.

I tried asking if he would be opened to seeing the list of needs that could help us through and he wrote back:
I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.

I guess the writing is on the wall.

The call his bluff. Oh, except he wants to be left alone but not actually alone, which is why he's still there.

Seriously Op, a very simple reply back to him - "done".

You do not deserve this.

I don't think I could ever forgive an affair but in the slim chance that I did, I'd expect him to grovel and understand that the hurt he's caused won't go away overnight. Once a week is really not that frequent given the circumstances and I suspect that if his reaction was a bit more remorseful and understanding you'd be a lot less bitter.

It seems like he doesn't love or respect you much. His affair proves he's a selfish bastard and he's choosing to continue being selfish by refusing to engage with your completely normal feelings.

I know it's easier said than done but in your situation I would definitely start making plans to leave him. You deserve more than him.

I think you have your answer OP. Take back control of your life and show him that you deserve more than he's giving you. I hope you can see that a future without him is by far a better option than a future with him. Good luck.

Jesus OP... this man does not love you.. he tolerates you .. his behaviour screams indifference my lovely... by god you do deserve so much better than this self absorbed selfish unfaithful pig of a man ...

You're young op. I know you must be hurting dreadfully but if you can get yourself out of this you have lots of happiness ahead of you, hopefully with someone who treats you decently.

I don't believe it's possible for most couples to really patch things up after an affair. I think it's extremely brave to try but it's such a lot to live with. I think you don't stand a chance if your partner isn't bending over backwards to show you how sorry they are.

I am sure it feels huge leaving but I guarantee you'll feel so much better a year down the line if you do. You don't want things to carry on as they are for the next 20 years, surely?

I strongly suggest you do exactly as he asks and leave him alone. Permanently. He sounds awful.

I had similar OP, except i don’t think it was physical. After the first month he got irritated if it was brought up at all and told me I was giving him an ulcer and that he felt ‘small’ . He is quite an emotional kind of guy and I know he loves me a lot, I expected him to be ‘grovelling’ and he just wasn’t, more irritated that I kept getting upset . I think he was utterly mortified at how hurt I was and couldn’t handle it. 22 months down the line, I rarely if ever mention it and we get on fine but it’s the elephant in the room I feel. If I went back to that time now I would have separated, not necessarily permanently but to give myself time and space to process the hurt and anger on my own and resist the urge to be the wife police, I think you may benefit from doing the same

Leave the cunt.

What is so great about this man? He has broken your trust, lied and makes You feel bad. I don’t think you should stay with him. It will wear you down and you will always be walking on eggshells.

I’d also be interested to know what he has said about why he didn’t leave. Is it because the ow found out he had also been cheating with others and rejected him rather than him realising his mistake? I don’t mean to be harsh but seeing the situation as it is can really help you move on. You deserve much better.

Op, I'm sorry, but it seems like you want him to stay more than he wishes to stay. I think you need to ask him why he did. The fact you don't really know why he stayed is concerning.

His response is not one of a man who wishes to be in a relationship with you, it's a man who has disengaged.

I think you need to talk. Ask him why he stayed, what he wants from the relationship, and keep talking till you get thr truth, because this isn't any way to live.

Nooooooo. He's using his anger to shut you down because more than likely there is more to find or there will be. He's threatening to leave you because he is done with you. He's just keeping you going till he finds something better. If OW hadn't bailed he'd have gone. I'm not sure why you'd be ok with being someone's second choice. You need out.