8 months after husband's affair - am I reacting normally?

[mendingheart]

Hello,
I am hoping to get some good advice from other women who may have walked in my shoes.

I am 31 and in February I discovered my husband (partner of 8 years) was having an affair with a work colleague. He did not disclose it at the time and only said he went on a few dates. In April, I discovered the truth that he was having a long-term affair over 8 months involving many hotel rooms and secret trips. All evidence leads me to believe that he truly loved her and was planning to leave me. In May the other woman contacted me and spilled out all the gory details and said that he did love her and was planning to leave me.

It's October (well end of) and my husband and I still love each other very much, we have done counselling and are planning to stay together. However, let's say about once a week I may bring up the affair and then it turns into an all out battle. My husband says he is leaving me and he has been through enough, saying nothing is worth living like this. I feel I am coping really well and trying my best to forget. But from time to time (sometimes twice a month or once a week) I slip and fall and mention things, or ask about some new evidence I think I have found. He completely explodes on my every time so I feel I have no one to talk to.

How can I help my husband be more understanding that my hurt won't go away that way quickly? Am I being normal?

I feel I can be harder on myself to never talk about - but then I do all the hurting alone. I feel trapped because I can't ask anything without him exploding.

Any advice or ideas to help me through this difficult time? I do not have any friends in similar situations so I feel very lonely and isolated with my emotions.

Thanks for any help or advice.

Leave the cunt

couldn't have put it better myself....

Op, you are useful to him at the moment

I expect you are cooking him lovely meals, doing more than your fair share of the shitwork, making lots of effort with your appearance, pandering to his every need, giving him plenty of blow jobs

In other words, doing the Pick Me Dance (google it) like a true puppet on a string. He says jump, you say how high and would you like me to rub your cock on the way down

Demeaning. Your value is low in his eyes. Every time you apologise and treat him like some prize you have to strive to win he thinks a little less of you. Every time he sees you swallow down your hurt and rage he congratulates himself a little more. What a man. What a catch. What a life

I’m just gonna say it - your husband has no respect for you. And when a person keeps apologising to somebody who already lacks respect... well you’re laying yourself out to be walked over.

You deserve so much better. Seriously, what are you hanging into here?

Do your family and friends know what he did, or have you kept it all quiet?

This is exactly the situation. Since the affair I have put more effort into my appearance than I ever have, am in the best shape of my life and am doing all kinds of things around the house and in bed so his needs are met.

I am exhausted from it all and it’s just a one way street it feels.

It’s difficult because we have a very close knit gang of friends in the UK which we share mostly since we are from abroad. Everyone in the gang knows and my colleagues know as I cried there a lot at work the first month.

I am not very close with my family and they live abroad - they know but are fine we are trying to work it out...

what effort ... exactly... is HE putting in OP

He always says - I love you and I am right here

He did go to counseling and talks about building a future with me. He participated well in the counseling. He has boughten me some gifts - chocolates, a purse and a bracelet.

Emotionally though I am not sure. If I am silent everything is fine. If I speak about th affair he is very angry with me.

Well the good news is you look great, the house is tidy and you've got friends who'll side with you when you kick him out (or he clearly thinks so, if it was one of the reasons he didn't leave). And you'll be less exhausted when you're not dragging this emotional deadweight around.

Toughen up OP, I stayed but started putting my H second behind me. Made new friends , sex didn’t increase one bit and basically decided I came a lot higher up my list than I had been doing. Don’t go out your way, if he is repentant then you don’t need to do a pick me dance, you aren’t the one who needs to be making amends, he is

He should be bending over backwards for you

Do you not believe this ? You counsellor must have been crap.

If he wants TO BE LEFT ALONE, pack his shit and invite him to leave. Don't let him treat you like this!!!!

Unfortunately he feels that him staying his bending over backwards for me...

I asked for a few things like reading the book and he had promised to write a letter about how he feels about me but hasn’t.

I am tired of asking for things that should be normal.

I just feel it’s clear he does not care or love me any longer.

I would behave so differently if I caused anyone this kind of pain.

Ah well if he bought you some chocolates then that's fine isn't it?! Get rid of him op, have some self respect and divorce him.

I doubt you would cause anyone this pain

No I wouldn’t.
I could never hurt someone like this and live with myself.

This relationship is dead in the water anyway op - it’s over - let him go. Good luck with your new chapter

I tried asking if he would be opened to seeing the list of needs that could help us through and he wrote back:
I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.

There's your answer.

It seems like you're more of an irritant to him.

So having received the proof he can't be arsed, bear in mind that you can't make him do anything...I suggest you look at the list below for yourself

The 180

It won't all apply to your situation...take and leave what you see fit.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Seek support from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her, /his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she/he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

things to think about if you do this:

You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it’s the right thing to do for you.

You have to heal from this experience.

You have to back off for your own sanity now.

You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done — that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That’s not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it’s a want.

Been there and felt exactly the same. I was so lucky though to find a superb therapist who simplified it for me. I went alone. You keep bringing it up because you desperately need reassurance and acknowledgement for what’s its fine to the trust you had and to you, aswell as you both. Each time you raise something, he just wants to shut you down as he doesn’t want to face what he’s done. Meanwhile you are left unreassured. My therapist taught me to acknowledge my own feelings each time I began to play detective or felt I was getting that horrible feeling again.
She just said to stop, let the shitty feeling happen, notice it, breathe through it until you feel more grounded.
As stupid as it sounds, it bloomin works. Takes practice to do it each time but it really helps. That way you will feel better, acknowledged and less strain on dp.

I am going to try this immediately.
I am going to read about it too!

It’s a bit hard to be out as he usually comes home between 10-11pm and I have to work so hard to stay out that late but I am fully booked for the weekend and I’ll stick with that.

That sounds like a great idea. How do I get reassurance though?
Right now I am not sure he actually loves or values me because of his actions.

He is not bending over backwards. You are. He has you over a barrel and he is loving it. You need to stop playing his game and dancing to his tune because he doesn’t respect you at all. It is time you begin to draw the shots. Get paperwork in order and store it where he can’t find it - just in case. Just to feel empowered. Then start telling him what he needs to do to keep you. Right. He didn’t read the book because he doesn’t care. He gets angry because he doesn’t feel like being made to look like the bad guy. He happens to be the bad guy in this situation. He has to suck it up and make amends for a very long time. He doesn’t appear to be interested in repairing this relationship. You need to tel him to put in the work or leave.

Where the hell do people come up with these mad lists?

Do you not understand that each situation. Is different. There is no one answer. No list.

Where as I'd agree thr op bending over backwards to keep him and seeking reassurance isn't going to do her any favours, it's doubtful he will respect her for it, and the pressure will make him pull further away, but demanding he follow some list or she does, isn't going to help, it's either going to Inflame the situation if he's presented with his list, or make him happy she's pulled back if she follows her, and feel like he's got permission to pull back further.

He's pretty much told her he's only there as a favour to her. Following some mad list isn't going to work.

In all likely hood they both need space to reassess.

Go to Chumplady.com and then get a good lawyer and get that SOB out of your house and your life-you deserve far better than him

Unfortunately he feels that him staying his bending over backwards for me.

Really !!!

Tell him to stand upright. No more bending and to walk out of the door.

He's talking like this because he has no regard for you.

I bet he never spoke to the OW like that.