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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

8 months after husband's affair - am I reacting normally?

173 replies

mendingheart · 31/10/2018 15:21

Hello,
I am hoping to get some good advice from other women who may have walked in my shoes.

I am 31 and in February I discovered my husband (partner of 8 years) was having an affair with a work colleague. He did not disclose it at the time and only said he went on a few dates. In April, I discovered the truth that he was having a long-term affair over 8 months involving many hotel rooms and secret trips. All evidence leads me to believe that he truly loved her and was planning to leave me. In May the other woman contacted me and spilled out all the gory details and said that he did love her and was planning to leave me.

It's October (well end of) and my husband and I still love each other very much, we have done counselling and are planning to stay together. However, let's say about once a week I may bring up the affair and then it turns into an all out battle. My husband says he is leaving me and he has been through enough, saying nothing is worth living like this. I feel I am coping really well and trying my best to forget. But from time to time (sometimes twice a month or once a week) I slip and fall and mention things, or ask about some new evidence I think I have found. He completely explodes on my every time so I feel I have no one to talk to.

How can I help my husband be more understanding that my hurt won't go away that way quickly? Am I being normal?

I feel I can be harder on myself to never talk about - but then I do all the hurting alone. I feel trapped because I can't ask anything without him exploding.

Any advice or ideas to help me through this difficult time? I do not have any friends in similar situations so I feel very lonely and isolated with my emotions.

Thanks for any help or advice.

OP posts:
Sohardtochooseausername · 31/10/2018 17:00

If you don’t have kids, run for the hills!

Sohardtochooseausername · 31/10/2018 17:00

If you do have kids, end it now.

Escolar · 31/10/2018 17:01

unfortunately if I send this list he will be very angry with me Sad

He has no compassion for how much he has hurt you.

Zofloramummy · 31/10/2018 17:01

If he was planning to leave to be with this woman, why didn’t he go when you find out?

SandyY2K · 31/10/2018 17:01

He isnt bothered about your feelings. There's a book called how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda MacDonald.

Read it yourself and you'll know he's not caring.

ManaFleet · 31/10/2018 17:03

Husky is absolutely on the button.

I'm so very sorry that you've been so hurt, and that your husband has convinced you that YOU are being unreasonable.

I'm assuming that he's aware of the social media taunts? The constant reminders? Yet, he does nothing to calm you, reassure you or show respect for your pain. In fact, he continues to behave like an arsehole. You deserve better.

I would never usually say this, but I am giving you a very heartfelt LTB. I do hope you find the strength to realise that you're not the one at fault, and walk away.

Skarlet2018 · 31/10/2018 17:03

The explosions you talk about are better described as emotional and verbal abuse. You should contact women's aid.

Original poster
mendingheart · 31/10/2018 17:03

I asked him to read a book about affairs in our counselling sessions and he committed to doing that in the Spring but he hasn't read it.

I doubt he would start now, but I could try.

Then I am in the same cycle, if I bring anything up I will get told very mean things.

I will try and read it myself.

OP posts:
CS12345 · 31/10/2018 17:04

This is why staying together doesn't work. You will end up a shell of a woman if you carry on.

Original poster
mendingheart · 31/10/2018 17:04

thank you all for the encouraging comments through this very difficult time. I really appreciate everyone's support.

OP posts:
CrispsnDips · 31/10/2018 17:06

There is “The Five Apology Languages Quiz” online which is really useful if a relationship has been damaged and you need to feel better in order to move forward. It’s a way of finding out what you want from the other person when they apologise: do you want them to accept responsibility/express regret, genuinely repent, etc. It’s a little “American” (with lots of words) in its style but may be useful ...

Fairenuff · 31/10/2018 17:08

Stop apologising for your reactions to his cheating.

Refuse to do it. Tell him you are angry. Tell him that you don't trust him. Tell him that you are not going to apologise for feeling like that.

Then work on ending the relationship. It's over anyway, you just have to realise that and do something about it.

Original poster
mendingheart · 31/10/2018 17:08

I don't know why he didn't go.
I think he didn't realize what going really meant and then when everything caved in he realized that it isn't all fun and games any more. And that he will actually lose me and the house and the friendships and life we built together.

OP posts:
Original poster
mendingheart · 31/10/2018 17:12

I'll try the quiz. Usually if I ask for something to do with healing I may get blown up at. (As it means I am not over things and showing no hope that I am recovered).

I'll try these last few recommendations and see what the response is from him. I am sure he will be angry! You never know.

I think I'll sleep upstairs tonight by myself.

OP posts:
NightOwlHoney · 31/10/2018 17:13

What Husky said. God, I'm angry and sad for you reading your posts. I've been where you are, but it DID NOT go down like that. Find your strength and stop letting this conniving, lying piece of shit walk all over you and destroy your self worth. You deserve better. 

Adora10 · 31/10/2018 17:16

Honestly the more you post the more abusive he sounds, he seems to get angry at everything you do or say and it's him who has shat all over the marriage, you need to really find a back bone and next time he blows up at you tell him to go fuck himself.

Loopytiles · 31/10/2018 17:18

You have already done all the trying here.

He has not. In addition to having cheated - possibly with multiple women - he has continued to lie and gets angry with you for your (understandable) reactions and ongoing fears.

Value yourself - and your DC if you have them - more highly than this. Given his behaviour by far the most likely outcome here if you stay is that he will cheat again and / or end your relationship in the future at the time of his choosing. May as well grasp the nettle yourself.

Chump Lady might be useful.

AnyFucker · 31/10/2018 17:21

You are being mugged off

Your husband crapped all over you and you are the one eating the shit sandwiches

He should be begging your forgiveness and thanking his lucky stars you are still giving him the time of day

Please stop apologising for your absolutely normal feelings of hurt and anger. His respect for you must be in the toilet for him to treat you like this

He isn't sorry, he shows no remorse, he has no consequences and in fact you are acting in a totally pathetic fashion. He will be putting it about again very soon. Why wouldn't he ?

Original poster
mendingheart · 31/10/2018 17:27

I know I am acting pathetic. I guess it's just the person he once was that I keep thinking will come back.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 31/10/2018 17:30

Not very likely given his recent behaviour.

Anyway, maybe he was always a cheating shit - or wannabe - but hid it well.

AdaArdor · 31/10/2018 17:32

You are so worried about making him angry, and you apologise when you find more evidence of his deceiy? (And it sounds like you're finding A LOT of evidence....). Something is very wrong here.... The balance is completely off. I hope you find some self-love in your own counselling and realise that you deserve far better than this.

Gemini69 · 31/10/2018 17:38

He's a DICK.. he's a Dick for getting angry that you keep mentioning it.. of course you keep bloody mentioning.. it was a massive huge enormous betrayal .. he was going to leave you .. why the fuck would you trust him... I certainly couldn't... bless you OP.. bless you for trying and bless you for having to keep shhtum to save his hurt feelings... Flowers

Justmuddlingalong · 31/10/2018 17:42

I guess it's just the person he once was that I keep thinking will come back.
He's not the person you thought he was, unfortunately. He has shown you who he really is and his subsequent behaviour highlights what an arsehole he can truly be. Stop working so hard to repair the relationship that he ruined, while he brushes his affair and the fallout under the carpet. Flowers

Kittykat93 · 31/10/2018 17:53

Op - do you really think so little of yourself that you will be treated like this for the rest of your life?

In the nicest possible way - you need to get a grip, tell him to sling his hook and get on with your life without him.

He's a cheat, and always will be. He's still texting other women arranging to meet and calling them babe??

You only get treated how you allow yourself to be treated.

Good luck, I think you'll need it with him!!

Leeloo79 · 31/10/2018 18:04

Op, I was in a very similar position to you two years ago. One of the hardest things for me was realising that the person I thought I knew was actually a very different man.

Look hard at what he actually does not what he says. Once you really start weighing up actions against words, you get an idea of how much you actually mean to someone.

You are not pathetic, your anger is entirely justified.

I think you already know that he has no respect or love for you, that's partly why you are so angry because you can see it, it's just incredibly difficult to accept.

Stop apologising for a situation that you did not create and start asking yourself if this is what you actually want - a husband who has cheated on you and continues to disrespect you

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