Being taken for a mug

[onemoresmartie]

Hi everyone
Just had a blazing row with my partner because I don't have enough petrol to take him home this afternoon. I don't get paid till tomorrow and I literally have 30 miles left which won't be enough to do the 50 round mile trip
I sent him a message saying he needs to find someone else to give him a lift or message his work saying he's got transport issues and I'll take him back tomorrow morning
He's just hung up on me, I'm currently at work and he's in my house in my bed and was fast asleep till I woke him up so he could deal with the situation.
Am I being unreasonable at being absolutely livid with his childish response?

KOKO= keep on keeping on.

He is acting as if he doesn't give a shit because he doesn't give a shit. He's angry, oh yes, but that's because you have defied him, failed to be the grateful little woman he belihingeves he deserves. He is waiting for you to realise your mistake and grovel.

If you were to grovel now, he will have the upper hand again and will treat you worse than before because you will be telling him "I am nothing and no one and am forever grateful that you have bothered to forgive me and allow me to glance at your wondrous face O Mighty Possessor of a Penis, for that is who he is.

Eventually, with no contact from you, he may try the being sorry route himself. It is no more true than anything else. He will make promises which he has no intention of keeping. He just wants you back in your box doing what he wants, being subservient and scared of upsetting him. Ignore him.

Desperation côuld lead him into trying the being ill gambit. He'll say he's scared, that he's dying, quite probably of some as-yet-unidentified "but definitely serious" thing. Or "gulp, it's my heart", or somesuch. This will be bollocks. At most, tell him you're hanging up so you can call an ambulance for him' and then do hang up.

It is an addiction, so like any addiction it's hard to break. When you get off a rollercoaster your head swims for a bit and it's quite hard to get used to the ground staying still under your feet. It feels peculiar, but the answer is not to live on a rollercoaster, it's to hang on in there until your head clears. Likewise when you finally stop banging your head against a brick wall... It should be easy but it isn't. Be kind to yourself, but not to the extent that you give in and contact the waste of space. The only way to give up any drug is to stay off it.

As for your DC, it's sad that he too seems to have fallen for the charm and doesn't realise this is a man who cares so little about him that he ate the child's food - knowing you didn't have money to buy more. I say a lot about my ex, but he would have given not only his own children but anyone else's child his last morsel (even when he didn't need to, but that's another story). How can you inflict someone that self-centred on your precious little boy? If you can't give up the asshole for yourself, give him up for your DC. And your parents. And your friends. Nobody actually likes him; even you don't! He's just a deeply ingrained habit. Bad habits must be broken.

Just as I thought would happen...I received a message from someone's husband last night saying can I ask my boyfriend to stop messaging his wife at 4am
He sent me screen shots and the time and day was when we were at his family's wedding a couple of weeks ago

I felt sick to my core but actually I am glad to know and I'm glad I'm away from this complete loser

Ugh. Disgusting loser. You're well rid.

Tell him he's your Ex BF.

You don't need to talk to him. What good would it do? He is behind you and no longer part of your life.

A relationship with him is not like the partnership you have observed with your parents.

It doesn't look as if this man is the love of your life, he is someone you have settled for. Your idea of him is the love of your life.

You are not the love of his life - he has things he loves more: drugs and infidelity for a start. This suggests that you are simply convenient to him.

If you are free of him, you can construct a healthy and happy life of your own. Then you are likely to find yourself a healthy and happy relationship - one where you are a loved partner. This can't happen while he is about.

Having RTWT I'm amazed by how generous with their time so many Mumsnetters are. Please stick to your guns and keep this loser out of your life.

And don't fool yourself, OP. Young children are like sponges soaking up information. Your son has been learning very damaging lessons watching how you are treated and what you accept.

Freedom Programme. Start it asap and get yourself out of the danger zone.

Have you noticed changes in your food stocks? In the speed money evaporates? How much fuel you have for your car? If not yet, you will soon.

Start planning what you would like to use that money for, extra special Xmas food, presents? Trip with dc? Maybe a course of study which will help in your career (and fill up time)?

Those would be my choices, what are yours? Look forward to them, make them real in your head.

Reply that he's an ex and nothing to do with you.

Don't use this as an excuse to get in contact with this loser again.

No I haven't, I have no desire to have any contact with him as I know he will be nasty and I just can't take that at the minute. My anxiety levels are through the roof at the minute and I'm barely sleeping..each day is a struggle I'm thinking of going to the gp but not sure if this is just normal breakup process

Definitely go to the GP. Get yourself sorted, healthy and happy. You won't want this loser back once you are functioning at optimum 'you', as you'll realise he is waaaaaay beneath your standards.

Oh yes, I agree with *, go to the gp about your anxiety. A break up would, in my case, make me feel sad, a little lost but not anxious.

OP, can you please clarify why are you so upset? Surely him fucking off is a cause for celebration?

I wish I knew why I feel so upset....I'm scared to be flamed if I say I miss him or maybe I just miss someone...I feel deeply sad and lonely

There used to be an old country song about a similar break up, OP.
The chorus included the lines:
“He’s the one who will be missing you
And you’ll only miss the man you wanted him to be”
In other words, you don’t miss him - you miss your fantasy version of him, as a caring partner in a loving relationship. The reality was nothing like that.
It’s perfectly normal to feel upset, shaken, anxious, tearful etc after any break up - you’ve been through an emotional storm. But don’t waste a minute looking back- start being kind to yourself, have a breathing space to heal, and then start planning a happy future without that shit dragging you down. You need to learn to love and value yourself, before you go looking for a new relationship. Believe that you deserve someone so much better than that loser. Because you do. Good luck, and happiness, OP.

That is the problem I don't love myself in fact I pretty much hate myself, my life, my house
I have woke up so angry and I dont want to face the world today

Just had to fight back tears on way of dropping ds at school got in the car and sobbed now I have to go to work to sit on my own all day in an office with no one else in it
I feel rock bottom
Sorry to keep reeling on here but none of my friends or family want to hear it they just want me to move on and get happy but I genuinely can't

It's all part of the process I'm afraid. It's a bereavement and you're grieving for the relationship that you wanted, not the one you actually had. Have you seen your GP yet?

It's totally normal to feel like this OP. It's hard to get over a break up even if you know it's for the best. Give yourself some time to cry it out then go and put some music on (with headphones maybe) when you're in work.Something loud and upbeat. I find music really shapes my mood and this is what I do on a bad day. You'll get through this

I didn't phone the gp yesterday as I feel embarrassed and think it's a waste of their time. I get up every day and try and think positive but it's just not working

It's very early days. You won't feel positive yet, it's more realistic just to think about getting through the day - which you are doing. But it will gradually get better.

Do you want to be a masochist op?

The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

How do you feel reading all the replies by people over your many threads?

Keep going OP - its not been that long and tell yourself it will be terrible, maybe even until after Christmas - but then it will be a fresh start.
Stay single- focus on DC and you will gain confidence, and hopefully start loving being single so much you can't imagine giving all your power up for a man!

Of course you feel sad, you're mourning the idea of the life you thought you had iyswim. Please allow yourself to feel blue! Remind yourself though, that that life was an illusion, he would never give it to you. You have a much better chance of building that sort of life now that you're free of the Frog. You will find a Prince, but you need to grieve a bit first.

Have you tried the Freedom Programme? I think that's probably what you need most atm.