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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being taken for a mug

272 replies

onemoresmartie · 30/10/2018 11:04

Hi everyone
Just had a blazing row with my partner because I don't have enough petrol to take him home this afternoon. I don't get paid till tomorrow and I literally have 30 miles left which won't be enough to do the 50 round mile trip
I sent him a message saying he needs to find someone else to give him a lift or message his work saying he's got transport issues and I'll take him back tomorrow morning
He's just hung up on me, I'm currently at work and he's in my house in my bed and was fast asleep till I woke him up so he could deal with the situation.
Am I being unreasonable at being absolutely livid with his childish response?

OP posts:
Jux · 14/11/2018 13:21

Seeing the gp is not a waste of their time, love. Go on, pick up that phone!

Bimblefaff · 14/11/2018 13:54

I have a rule. If I wake up, and my first reaction is to dread the day ahead, then something needs to change.
I take anti depressants, I have zero shame in doing this. They make me wake up like a normal person, maybe not with a spring in my step, and still looking like a dogs dinner Wink but definitely without that churning bile of anxiety.

BMW6 · 14/11/2018 14:02

Blimey OP there is no magic way to end your grief - only time will do that.
Yes it hurts like fuck. But the way to end the pain is not by hanging on like grim death to a really shitty half-arsed "relationship" with an utter cunt who derives tremendous pleasure from hurting you.

You end the pain by blocking ALL forms of communication with Cunt and all known to Cunt. You cry, force yourself to go to work etc, force yourself to eat, force yourself to pour all you can into looking after your no.1 priority - your child.

You keep doing that every day. In time the pain will end and one day you will wonder WTF you were crying about. It can take months, like any bereavement, before you start to feel better. I'd say give it a year. I absolutely guarantee that this time next year you will not feel anything like the pain you feel today.

If not for you do it for your child. Your child may well have been very fond of the Cunt, but your child should be nowhere near such an awful awful person. He has no sound judgement at his age - You have not exercised good judgement till now, so high time you started.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 14/11/2018 14:40

Should I be deleting all mutual friends from the village he lives in or will that play into the image he has created of me being 'the nutty ex'

OP posts:
Wildheartsease · 14/11/2018 15:45

Delete the mutual friends if this helps you. Your health comes first.

Be kind to yourself as you grieve. The man you imagined him to be has gone. This is cause for grief.

You are suffering a bereavement really.

Sadly, there is no going back and the suffering has to be endured in the best way you can. (Your ex is not the one you are missing. There is no point in going back to him. He isn't the man you want - he just looks like him.)

Take the GP's help if you need to. It is true that there is a good future ahead but that won't be a comfort yet. Hang on to the fact that it will get better. It will!

Vvmevvme · 14/11/2018 16:17

It doesn’t matter if you look like a “nutty ex” these people are nothing to you, you can’t control how people think, I learnt this. I get it, I really do, I spend a lot of time thinking about how “others” tho k about me or a situation and how they feel.

I can’t tell you the lifting relief when it’s done and the feeling passes.

Delete everything and everyone who in any way connects you to him, social media, FB, whatsapp, phone numbers (BLOCK them delete the actual numbers). Get rid of photos and physical items. Clean the whole thing out.

Then repeat to yourself that the further away from this you get the more the feeling will pass. When you start to think and obsess about him/it then deliberately force yourself to do something that’s for you. A bath, a bit of chocolate, a game app on your phone. Read a book, ANYTHING. Bloody Tinder and distract yourself with nice candy floss never going to happen complimentary men!

This too shall pass.

BMW6 · 14/11/2018 17:40

Certainly I would have no contact with anyone who is a friend to such an awful person!

They either know very well what he is like, in which case why in the world would you want to expose yourself and more importantly your child to such dreadful people!

Or if they don't know what he's really like then what kind of gullible fools are they - if he can pull the wool over their eyes why would you want to associate with them? They'll buy into his lies about you so they won't be true friends to you - just "flying monkeys" who will help him to fuck up your life even further!

I can't remember if you've answered this before. but is there any way you can move away from this toxic environment? Get a fresh start and a clean slate somewhere?

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 14/11/2018 17:46

We didn't live together this time round anyway I wasn't stupid enough to give up my house which I'm very glad for now! He lives 30/35 min drive away and I think he will move on again soon...he doesn't tend to stick around one place for too long once people know what he's like...

I think I'll go on a deleting spree tonight...I fear they are all spies in the camp anyway and I have no reason to speak to any of them again so 👋

I can only imagine this is what a bereavement/loss feels like..I was rock bottom this morning now I'm home and I'm going out with a girl friend of mine for a nice dinner...who said you need a man for a date!

I can't remember the last time I went out with exbf where I didn't have to pay 🙄

OP posts:
0ccamsRazor · 14/11/2018 18:24

Now thats the spirit op, do a jolly good spring clean of your contacts, last thing you need are his flying monkeys.

BerylStreep · 14/11/2018 22:37

It doesn't really matter what image he has created about you. You know the truth.

But it's pretty low of him to portray you as 'the nutty ex'. Just more evidence of his shitty way of treaty you.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 20/11/2018 07:59

So after stupidly unblocking him when I had a moment of weakness I have had a text saying
He would like to give me the respect of a conversation of what and why we are where we are?

Mind games much? I don't know whether to reply saying I know why we are where we are and no thanks or just to reblock.

I'm intrigued that he somehow sounds like he has a different story as to why we broke up but I don't think my heart can take any more hurt...do you think he is going to say he has met someone else?

OP posts:
Whocansay · 20/11/2018 08:13

You're doing this to yourself now. Block and ignore. YOU are playing games with the blocking / unblocking nonsense.

That 'intrigue' will take you straight back into his bed and back to square one. You really want a life with this piece of shit?

Butterymuffin · 20/11/2018 08:30

Continue to ignore. It's intended to 'talk you round' to accepting his crap behaviour. Block again. Or just say 'no thanks' then block.

BerylStreep · 20/11/2018 08:39

Delete, block, ignore.

Out of interest, what was your thought process when you decided to unblock.

He sounds like a self aggrandising prick with his 'giving you the respect of a conversation'.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 20/11/2018 08:57

Was doing so well....I had far too many gins and unblocked.
There is no point in having a conversation he will only place the blame on me

OP posts:
babygoose48 · 20/11/2018 08:59

I’m sorry op I went through the same feeling of rock bottom when I left DDs dad. I promise you you’ll will not stay at rock bottom forever and the only way from here is up, right?

All that pain you are feeling now will turn in to a strength that will be yours forever. It’s so so so worth going through. Keep that NC up if you can will save you a whole lot of grief!!

Butterymuffin · 20/11/2018 08:59

Exactly. You know where he's headed with this. Don't waste your time. Pick yourself up and get back on the horse.

babygoose48 · 20/11/2018 09:20

Oh and also if you search for Joseph clough podbay fm you will find loads of podcasts on building yourself up and knowing your worth etc. That was a lifeline for me when I broke uo

CryptoFascist · 20/11/2018 09:34

So you had a momentary blip, that's ok.
The important thing is you haven't opened up a dialogue by responding, so no damage done.
Now reblock, and think about getting a new SIM for your phone so you won't have each others numbers.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 20/11/2018 11:01

I have reblocked. My peace of mind and drama free life is much more valuable than hearing what his version of the truth is. I have to protect myself

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 20/11/2018 14:37

Excellent. You'd never convince him to see things from your perspective anyway, if his version suits him better.

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 20/11/2018 14:44

The way the text was worded was very manipulating basically he will give me the respect of a conversation

I don't need a conversation I know exactly why 'we are where we are'
Or I will get a sob story about him being diagnosed with depression etc
Who knows but day by day I care a little less

OP posts:
Jux · 20/11/2018 14:50

Well done!

He will always twist things one way or another and have you questioning yourself. No need for that, is there?

You sound like you are getting on top of things. Keep on! Blips are allowed, you're human, but don't act on them Cake rather than Gin, you can diet later!

Original poster
onemoresmartie · 20/11/2018 15:23

I have no desire to speak to him when Im sober but the minute the alcohol takes over I loose all my judgement...
I also have a date tomorrow 😬😬

No time to waste...🤓

OP posts:
blueangel1 · 20/11/2018 15:59

A date? That's brilliant. Good luck for that and keep us all posted!

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