Being taken for a mug

[onemoresmartie]

Hi everyone
Just had a blazing row with my partner because I don't have enough petrol to take him home this afternoon. I don't get paid till tomorrow and I literally have 30 miles left which won't be enough to do the 50 round mile trip
I sent him a message saying he needs to find someone else to give him a lift or message his work saying he's got transport issues and I'll take him back tomorrow morning
He's just hung up on me, I'm currently at work and he's in my house in my bed and was fast asleep till I woke him up so he could deal with the situation.
Am I being unreasonable at being absolutely livid with his childish response?

My ds loves him and last time we split he got uncontrollably upset at the thought of never seeing him again because he has such a nice relationship

You son has a "nice" relationship, with a thieving Junky who has a Gambling addiction? Yeah, okay. Well, he's only 7. He can't see the wood for the trees right now.

Guaranteed, if you stay with this idiot, by the time your son is 15, he will think that your Partner is a Grade A Junky Twat.

or worse, your son will model himself on this grade A junky twant

Your job as his mum is to make sure he has positive role models and regardless of him liking him or not, your partner isn't one!!

Your son is not the arbiter of your relationship here; you are.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. I think that no-one ever bothered with you or ever taught you what a mutually respectful relationship is like.

My mum and dad have been married 29 years and never gave up on each other and called it a day
I think I follow the mind set of no matter what comes you just get on with it

I fully understand why the comments about my ds are coming through but he only sees him once a week sometimes not even that so hardly a role model anyway which by the way my son has many (grandfathers, uncles, etc)

I still haven't heard anything from him however his dad has gone in for a serious operation today so I think it would be unkind to block him

Or is this just me looking for excuses again

My DH grew up with a prick like this as a step dad. Adored him when he was a child and didn't see the real man, only a guy who was childish himself therefore prepared to play with him and be the 'fun guy' while mum earned the money and ran the house.

When DH became a teenager with opinions it was rather different - a) he understood exactly how his mum was treated and b) he was verbally and physically abused like his mum was as now he wasn't the blindly adoring little boy any more.

Threads like this should come with a warning - don't invest emotional energy trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved and is prepared to chuck her dc under a bus for her own ridiculous dependence.

Or is this just me looking for excuses again

Yes. As you've done for YEARS. And I think basically you always will. You'll be back here again in a few weeks, having spent a shitty Christmas with him.

That's not what I feel about my MIL by the way, I'm sure if mumsnet had been around she'd have LTB in a heartbeat!

Stop worrying about what he or his family thinks OP.
What does it matter if he's 'giving you silent treatment', he's a waste of space who you need to get rid of entirely out of your life. PP have even shown how you've gone round and round in circles with this drug misusing, lazy, disrespectful, abusive thief.

Just text dump him and block him.

Done.

Move on.
Put your time into DS who deserves a mum who expects better of life and relationships.
Don't be this bad role model yourself. Be a great role model, a proud independent one who values herself.

"I still haven't heard anything from him however his dad has gone in for a serious operation today so I think it would be unkind to block him

Or is this just me looking for excuses again"

That is you just looking for excuses again.

The mindset your parents also taught you i.e. the never give up on each other and call it a day (when they probably should have done) left you a damaging legacy which you are now actively passing onto your son.

You seeing this person even only once a week is emotionally harmful to your son because you are codependent yourself and are putting this bloke before you and he. Your son in turn sees in you a codependent role model and learns all this from you. You want this type of crap relationship and dependency for him as an adult too?.

Attila- so what is it you suggest I do? If it's a damaging legacy it's too late then?

@onemoresmartie
Why are you asking the same question over and over? Everyone has told you their advice/ what they think you should do

End with him, block him, don't take him back.
You need to get to point where you Stop talking about him or even thinking about him.

And move on with your life to healthier relationships. Don't show your son this type of damaging cycle.

I suggest you dump this man for good this time and have counselling to determine exactly how and why you've ended up in this position in the first place.

What you are showing him about relationships is no legacy to leave him.It is still not too late for you to show your son better relationship lessons going forward.

Getting shot of the manchild for a start and permanently now would be a good start for you and in turn your son.

I follow the mind set of no matter what comes you just get on with it

Or you could actively try to improve things. Not ‘just get on with it’, but change it.

I think it's about my own self worth to be honest I don't really have much and I need to work on that. I have to call it quits this time and run the risk of being on my own for a long time

Of course you just block him. You know full well that getting involved in being a sympathetic ear while his dad is poorly will only end with him worming his way back.
I kind of feel like you need to learn to be single again. You can't just stay in a relationship because you don't want to 'give up'.

I basically am single anyway...We don't do anything together really, evenings and weeekends I'm alone while he's at work
Nothing really will change for me in that way...being single will just be less stressful for me

I can't believe you didn't dump him when he stole £150, and then gaslighted you about it.How fucking disgraceful was that?

I follow the mind set of no matter what comes you just get on with it

No matter what? You already turned a blind eye to :

• Stealing
• Gambling
• Drugs

Did you parents do any of those things? Or are you taking this "no matter what" a step too far?

What if he beats your son? What if he sexually abuses your son? What if he steals money from your son's moneybox? What if he harms your son when he's under the influence of drugs?
"No matter what" still applies, yeah?

Sorry but you said he ate all your DS' food! He doesn't give a shit about him and is a terrible role model. So it does have an effect on your son and you're just being defensive because you know you're gonna to continue this bullshit cycle.

Or, what if you do let him hang around for the next few years and your son ends up doing drugs and stealing? You are making excuses. This man is a worthless shit and you are wasting your time. Being alone is better, surely.

You are basically single, except for him. So, he is blocking you from the other experience of being single, FINDING GOOD MEN TO DATE!

My mum and dad have been married 29 years and never gave up on each other and called it a day I think I follow the mind set of no matter what comes you just get on with it

Presumably your dad didn’t contact other women or have a gambling addiction or eat all the food intended for the children? Why are you giving making such ridiculous excuses?

I still haven't heard anything from him however his dad has gone in for a serious operation today so I think it would be unkind to block him Or is this just me looking for excuses again

Yes, you are making excuses. Why do you bother posting on here for advice when you don’t follow any of it? This rubbish about the great relationship he has with your ds is just that-rubbish. He ate all his food. He never does anything with him, he’s never there in the evening or at weekends, according to you, so when he does actually see your son?

Stop dicking around and dump this idiot. As a pp said, your ds will soon click onto what a monumental twat this guy is.

Stop worrying about his family. You aren’t married to him or his family and you aren’t even living with your partner. He acts like a total prick towards you. Cut them all off now. Block on everything. Just because he told you his dad is ill doesn’t mean you had to get back with him! The two things aren’t linked! My ex lost his dad a few weeks after we split. I didn’t start shagging him again!! FFS! The way you see things is very warped. You must know that? What you should have done when he emailed you is sent flowers to his dad saying “get well soon”! It’s like you’re an emotional prostitute for him! Is that really all you are worth? Surely you want better for yourself and your 7 year old to grow up knowing how self respect looks? I’d suggest you urgently seek counselling on how to set healthy boundaries in your relationship. Tell yourself that you’ve had enough of being taken the piss out of. Plus all that stuff about being on your own and never finding anyone else. Seriously?!? Why would you even want another bloke after all of this palava! It is ok to be single you know.

Oh and “it’s unkind to block him”
WTF?
It’s unkind to eat all your kids food. To hang up on you. To message OW! 3 to 1. Block him right now and never ever contact or speak to him again