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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out husband of 25 years is having an affair

285 replies

Woodandsky · 29/10/2018 12:00

Title says it all really, accidentally logged into his emails as my he was signed in to gmail on my laptop and there was a slightly over-familiar message from someone he knows (shared hobby) so I clicked on it. It was suspicious but not clear so I went back and read the later messages and they were very explicit, there's no doubt here.

Not really looking for sympathy but concrete advice about what to do, are there things I should do now before I tell him I know? We work together (me part-time) and have 2 sons in their late teens, other woman is married in similar circumstances, I didn't see any sign of them planning to run off together anytime soon.

He's my best friend and my only serious boyfriend, I don't have anyone in real life I feel I can talk to.

OP posts:
northernlights0710 · 30/10/2018 13:46

People, even strangers, owe others the decency of not having sex with their husbands.

Do you think that prostitutes owe strangers the decency of not having sex with their partners too?

ILoveHumanity · 30/10/2018 13:51

Northern lights.. yes

harriethoyle · 30/10/2018 13:56

OP, I'm really sorry that your thread has been derailed by other people thrashing out their own issues, linguistic and emotional. There's been some excellent advice on amidst the derailing and I hope you find it helpful. Pleased your parents are being so supportive too. Flowers for you and a sincere hope things get better for you x

bubbles108 · 30/10/2018 14:04

What a stupid stupid STUPID man your husband is , @Woodandsky

I imagine that the affair is just sex

What many men fail to grasp is that many men can differentiate between sex and emotions

Many women can't

As I say - stupid stupid man

Imo you'd be surprised, @Woodandsky , how kids cope so well with what we - their parents - view as a tragic disaster

You might be pleasantly surprised at how well your young men cope with the news that Dad is an idiot

Inniu · 30/10/2018 14:09

Trying to protect your children from this might not be the wisest choice. A friend thought she was doing that. Her DS went off the rails and it turned out he knew but had been trying to protect his mum from it not realizing she knew too.

Daftapath · 30/10/2018 14:19

Hi OP, well done for confiding in your parents. I think it will really help knowing that you have people on your side and somewhere to go to if you need time away from home, whatever you end up deciding. There is no hurry at all to make any decisions.

I am a year on from separating (not because of infidelity). I also have a teen who has had schooling struggles due to various things. I put off ending my marriage for years because I was worried about how my older teen would cope. In the end, events came to a head and there was only one way to possibly go. At the time, things were very fraught and both dcs were upset but I can honestly say now, that we are better off in many ways - our home is happy (mostly!), lots of smiles and laughter. I can't think of any reason that I regret the decision I made a year ago, apart from the initial upset. In fact, I think there would have been much more anxiety all round if H and I had stayed together.

I am not sure whether my situation is any help to you but hopefully it might support you to think that there is a way out if that is what you choose. I do think, no matter how much we think our teens are caught up in their own world, they do pick up on things. Mine both picked up immediately that things had 'happened' and there was no way I could have hidden it from them and carried on.

Happy to talk via pm with more details if that would help. Good luck

SandyY2K · 30/10/2018 14:21

Her husband deserves the truth. I've not read the whole thread...So you may have told him...but it's the right to do IMO.

bethy15 · 30/10/2018 14:28

That's wonderful you have your parents support, you need someone to be able to talk to about this, it must be overwhelming for you right now.

Please take care of yourself.

yetmorecrap · 30/10/2018 14:28

OP, I’m glad you have support from parents, I actually told 2 different friends only , mainly because neither were judgemental people but both knew him well. I kept it low because if the marriage continues it’s not necessarily great having everyone and his mother in on the drama. My son too was going through a funny time when it came to light at my end as had just dropped out of A levels, we didn’t split so he was unaware, but he is aware now as I told him a bit further down the line, his response ‘what a dick’

MyOtherProfile · 30/10/2018 15:28

Nothing to add OP except I'm glad you have support. I hope you can work out what you want and get that into place.

anniehm · 30/10/2018 16:16

I can only tell you what my friend did - firstly she said nothing, but she made plans, she opened a bank account in just her name and moved 50% of the savings into it, she then looked for and got a full time job (she had been working for his fathers firm) this took about a month, all the time she collected evidence. Then a week before the new job started she confronted him, he pleaded for her to stay but she couldn't, 5 years it had been going on - she insisted he moved out and 8 months on the divorce is being finalised but it was straightforward because she had all the evidence, he simply let her have everything she wanted and agreed child support direct to the kids (at university.

Keeping calm at the beginning was the hardest bit for her but she needed to be independent to have leverage

ChinUpShouldersBack · 30/10/2018 17:12

I've pm d you OP.

SalemBlackCat4 · 31/10/2018 03:26

@bethy15 Why do you assume the other woman is a victim too? Isn't it possible that the husband is the victim of this other woman, that she may be manipulative?

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 31/10/2018 05:25

Get real salem 😂😂
Great advice anniehm

MaryJenson · 31/10/2018 06:12

Ah no SalemBlackCat4, how dare you suggest that?! Apparently that’s not possible. Women are victims and men are predators who manipulate women and turn them against each other.

This is obviously some warped idea to make women feel stronger and equal. In fact it not only weakens and belittles women, it divides the sexes even more.

Tbh, my experiences in life have mostly shown men to be more straightforward and women to be manipulative and cunning.

LizzieSiddal · 31/10/2018 07:14

Tbh, my experiences in life have mostly shown men to be more straightforward and women to be manipulative and cunning.

Oh poor man, some nasty women manipulated him into having sex with him, lots of times. Hmm

AdoreTheBeach · 31/10/2018 07:20

OP, been thinking about you. Hope you had a better nights sleep and shock somewhat abating. Hoping too that by talking with your parents helped to relieve some of the pressure of grief you must be feeling. Each day will get better from that perspective as long as there are no new revelations.

Such a major life stressor can cause a lot of anxiety and subsequently impact your health. Please do take care of yourself. It may sound odd, but if you can, please think about seeing a counsellor to help you work through this time.

MaryJenson · 31/10/2018 07:36

That’s a ridiculous suggestion LizzieSiddal and you know that’s not what I meant.

Perfectly ok for the man to be considered a predator and the woman a victim. That’s the norm on here and anyone with more respect for women and a differing view is berated.

Everyone should take responsibility for their actions.

bethy15 · 31/10/2018 07:42

Yes, most of the threads on here, be it cheating husbands, emotional abuse or physical abuse, or lying and gaslighting their partners does prove men to be all around straightforward and women the master manipulators.

LizzieSiddal · 31/10/2018 07:43

Well I find your suggestion that women are more “manipulative and cunning” to be ridiculous.

However, I think we should agree to disagree as I don’t want to derail the thread, that’s already happened and it’s noy fair on the OP.

LizzieSiddal · 31/10/2018 07:44

My last post was to Mary

MaryJenson · 31/10/2018 07:50

I agree about not derailing the thread.

bethy 99.9% of the threads are posted by women. There are 2 sides to every story.

SugarCoatIt · 31/10/2018 07:53

Glad to hear you are getting the support from your parents OP, logged on to check in and see how you're doing.

ShineOnHarvestMoon · 31/10/2018 08:12

shown men to be more straightforward and women to be manipulative and cunning

oh yes, the OP's husband has been really straightforward in his lying and cheating.

Original poster
Woodandsky · 31/10/2018 08:12

Thanks Sugar

OP posts:
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