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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out husband of 25 years is having an affair

285 replies

Woodandsky · 29/10/2018 12:00

Title says it all really, accidentally logged into his emails as my he was signed in to gmail on my laptop and there was a slightly over-familiar message from someone he knows (shared hobby) so I clicked on it. It was suspicious but not clear so I went back and read the later messages and they were very explicit, there's no doubt here.

Not really looking for sympathy but concrete advice about what to do, are there things I should do now before I tell him I know? We work together (me part-time) and have 2 sons in their late teens, other woman is married in similar circumstances, I didn't see any sign of them planning to run off together anytime soon.

He's my best friend and my only serious boyfriend, I don't have anyone in real life I feel I can talk to.

OP posts:
MaryJenson · 31/10/2018 08:17

It’s a horrid situation WoodandSky
I have been there and I really feel for you 💐

You will get through this xxx

HannahnotAgnes · 31/10/2018 08:20

Be kind to yourself & put yourself first Op. glad you have your parents for support as you'll need it, however this ends up.

As a previous poster referenced, please do mags yourself aware of the ' script' as it's sadly a very accurate way to describe how men behave in this situation.

Unfortunately this happened to my mum after 30 years married to my dad & whilst previously I would have described him as amazing & literally the best dad ever, overnight he changed & basically seemed to turn it around on my DM acting as if she were to blame for it all & going after every penny (which he pretty much succeeded in doing). He almost wrecked her & even now, 10 years later, she's a shadow of who she used to be.

Wishing you the very best & hoping it has a different outcome for you, but please protect yourself in the first instance, especially financially (she too controlled the finances & yet he managed to shaft her royally - I put this down to her being in shock for a while & him using that time to sort himself).

 for you.

HannahnotAgnes · 31/10/2018 08:21

For some reason the flower emoji hasn't appeared but it was meant as flowers for you (at the end).

cakecakecheese · 31/10/2018 08:44

You read the emails, did it seem like 'just sex' in those? And if it was 'just sex' then did he say why he'd jeopardise a 25 year marriage for it?

I hope you're doing as ok as you can in this sort of situation, I'm glad you have a supportive family.

ScienceIsTruth · 31/10/2018 09:26

Hope you're doing ok. Flowers Don't have much to offer except to say:"take your time making whatever decision is right for you"

Would all those derailing this thread please remember that this is someone's actual life and please stop squabbling about stuff. Instead concentrate on either offering advice or support. This isn't about you and your issues.

JusttheTwoofUs3110 · 31/10/2018 10:35

@lizzie1970a, I second every word you said. Clearing OW of blame, when they knowingly enter a relationship with a married man, is in itself completely sexist and does women in general no service. If we are all equal then - yes, women can be "slags", as much as men. It's a whole other issue whether it is healthy to harbour such resentment. It isn't. PP actually really shouldn't call her a slag, but not for the reasons PC posters stated, but because it isn't healthy for her.

I apologize, OP, for the off post, and I really hope you stand up for yourself and your children. Don't let anyone devalue you, let alone someone who took an oath to respect and love you. Take care. Flowers

Original poster
Woodandsky · 31/10/2018 11:18

Cake I only saw one email chain, clearly he deletes them as he goes along. It was all sexual in sickening levels of detail, I don’t believe he loves her. I find it hard to believe he truly loves me either to do that though, but I think men are different that way, how she has justified it to herself I don’t know, but I don’t really care at the moment.
We’ve mostly been really happy but he does have a nasty jealous streak which I had resigned myself to accepting in a no-one’s-perfect kind of way, but I can see light at the end of that tunnel now and I’m inclined to run towards it as fast as I can.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 31/10/2018 11:52

He has a nasty jealous streak - and yet he does this and (presumably) expects you to be OK with it because "it's just sex". What a two-faced arse! What would he be saying/doing if you had done this?

Yes, run towards that light at the end of the tunnel as fast as you can.

yetmorecrap · 31/10/2018 11:53

I think OP, that certainly a separation would be in order and then take your time , in my case it was a bit less cut and dried and it was a ‘long past’ bit of twattiness, in your case it’s current, he didn’t confess and it would still probably be going on , I think the lack of trust certainly in the short term will drive you nuts. I stayed for all kinds of practical reasons but turned into the wife police, it affected me mentally and it wasn’t fun!!

bubbles108 · 31/10/2018 14:36

Been thinking about you @Woodandsky

Lots of love 

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/10/2018 14:43

I can see light at the end of that tunnel now and I’m inclined to run towards it as fast as I can

I was so glad to see you typed that, @Woodandsky - no-one can tell you what to do but we can advise.

He is following 'the script' perfectly. Next he'll be telling you that he felt ignored/lonely/all that bollocks.

Don't worry about upsetting your boys, in fact I think you should tell them as soon as possible. They will mostly likely be very angry on your behalf, but they will be able to give you valuable support.

But having said that, you don't have to make any major decisions today. Ask 'D'H to give you some space and then start thinking about what you want your life to look like in the future. All the best. Flowers

thinkingcapon · 31/10/2018 16:42

Woodandsky

You'll totally get through this. Loads of strangers are always here for you on mn if it helps!

Sending positive thoughts and hugs . Do whatever you need to do to get through this xx

Original poster
Woodandsky · 01/11/2018 08:48

Ok thanks so much everyone here is today’s update.
He is desperate for me to forgive him and is begging for another chance. I think he is genuine.
For the sake of the boys and to give myself a chance to think I have set out my terms for the here and now:

He sleeps on the sofa (thanks to whoever suggested snoring as an excuse for the kids)

I do whatever I want with whoever I want and he has no right or expectation to know where I am or who I’m with. There is to be be no questioning or jealous bollocks from him.

He must not see her, so for their shared hobby he must give up some of the things they do together and she must give up the others. If she disagrees her husband will be getting some unexpected emails.

I’m not having any contact with his family or getting involved in any of their issues.

I feel like that’s a close to an actual separation we can manage without impacting on the boys too much and should give me some thinking time.

OP posts:
MaryJenson · 01/11/2018 08:56

Well done WoodandSky

Make it clear that you haven’t chosen for him to stay, you just haven’t decided he should leave.

yetmorecrap · 01/11/2018 10:48

That’s exactly how I played it OP, make sure you invest more time in ‘you’ , as I said before and it’s a great saying ‘don’t let someone become a priority for whom you are only an option’ . I meet up with friends far more now, if they wanted to go on a girlie weekend I would now say yes, in the past I would be too concerned that he wouldn’t like it. Yet this is a guy who has at least 20 to 30 nights away a year tour managing.oh and gave access to his phone, tablets and email, yep he can lie and get a burner phone but I doubt it and if he does, well him him anyway . Keep the antenna up though!! And if he does carry it on, do let the other partner know, they deserve to know

AdoreTheBeach · 01/11/2018 11:11

Hi OP. These are some very good steps. Please do think about couples and/or individual counselling to help you both recover your relationship additionally edit hammy for you to work through your grief, anger, sadness etc.

Wishing you all the best.

gendercritter · 01/11/2018 11:18

Well done op. How long has he had jealousy issues for? I'm just wondering whether he's been cheating (possibly with other women) for some time and projecting quite a lot onto you.

I think your list is very reasonable. I'd strongly encourage you to get some counselling over the next year but I hope you get through everything ok.

redastherose · 01/11/2018 11:34

Sounds like a good plan for now. Make sure he knows you are considering what to do and that just because you haven't slung him out doesn't mean you won't.

Original poster
Woodandsky · 01/11/2018 11:50

Jealousy issues gender? Ooo about 30 years..... they come and go though, but the last few months he’s been very up and down and ‘gaslighty’ now I step back and think about it. He acknowledged that was because he was so conflicted over what was going on.

I think if I ever get to the point that I can forgive the affair all that other stuff has to be sorted too so counselling sounds like the way. But that’s a massive ‘if’ to work my way around first.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 01/11/2018 11:54

Make it clear that you haven’t chosen for him to stay, you just haven’t decided he should leave.

^^ This is spades. It is such sensible advice.

Don't forget to make lots of plans and do research before his guilt wears off.

kaitlinktm · 01/11/2018 11:54

Doh - in spades

maras2 · 01/11/2018 12:18

Good luck woodandsky Flowers

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/11/2018 12:21

Your plans all sound very sensible so far, though you could have problems with "he must give up some of the things they do together and she must give up the others"

You can't control - and may not even know - what he's doing and you certainly can't control her, so it opens up the possibility of "it wasn't me, honest, it was her who re-started such-and-such"

I sincerely hope this works out for you, but though he'll beg because he's been found out (as opposed to confessing), be prepared for it to happen again - and for him to blame you next time

Original poster
Woodandsky · 01/11/2018 12:31

Yes I think you’re right but I feel like I need to try, and if his hobby is more important than our marriage I think I have my answer. I know enough people from the same circle to be able to check who was where.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 01/11/2018 12:35

I think it is only natural for you to want to try - but put a time limit on how long you are willing to spend trying to guilt-proof your future. I spent 8 years - all wasted.

If you officially give him a second chance it resets the clock (in your head and in his). Everyone's happy - him, your sons, his parents, friends - and if you are not completely reassured, the only negative (inner) voice will be yours. If he does not completely turn this round, at every family occasion, every outing with friends, every Christmas, birthday etc, when they are all celebrating and laughing it will just be you, sitting back and looking at him and knowing what he did - and maybe wondering if he is still doing it but has got better at hiding his tracks.

Don't give him too long - he will get too comfortable - and make sure you're sure.