Just found out husband of 25 years is having an affair

[Woodandsky]

Title says it all really, accidentally logged into his emails as my he was signed in to gmail on my laptop and there was a slightly over-familiar message from someone he knows (shared hobby) so I clicked on it. It was suspicious but not clear so I went back and read the later messages and they were very explicit, there's no doubt here.

Not really looking for sympathy but concrete advice about what to do, are there things I should do now before I tell him I know? We work together (me part-time) and have 2 sons in their late teens, other woman is married in similar circumstances, I didn't see any sign of them planning to run off together anytime soon.

He's my best friend and my only serious boyfriend, I don't have anyone in real life I feel I can talk to.

'I would do anything not to hurt my boys'
I can see how concerned you are about your boys. It appears the younger one is due to sit his A-levels in the summer. I wonder if any mumsnetters on here have gone through divorce/separation in this situation and have any advice to give.

Family and Friends will not want to see you hurting this way on your own, they will want to help

I completely agree - also CarolDanvers last paragraph is extremely insightful

I think you've been very wise to ask him to leave for now but would mention that while he might seem a bit clueless with "moving finances" he could very soon learn (or find someone to advise him). Never - and I mean never - assume things on the basis of what you once believed to be the situation, since sadly that's completely off the table now

Do you know if he'll be staying with the OW right now, or has he found a hotel or someone else to take him in and listen to his sob story?

I have a friend who had that experience. To be honest her late teens were quite meh! About it, they were more bothered that it might mean less cash in the household to be used as an ATM bank of mum and dad and where they would live/if they would have to move etc. Many teenagers often have few friends still with both original parents so can be far more resilient than you think, but it’s really an individual thing depending on personalities of teens

I agree with the others who say to NOT put things on hold for the sake of the children. Children are more resilient than we think. Three weeks ago I finally found out the damning information that my OH was having an affair with a much younger work colleague. My DD is 15 yrs old (not his child) and in her GCSE year, but at the end of the day I have to think of my own sanity/life which has a knock on effect. I left him immediately as he became aggressive towards my DD and I. I encouraged her to talk to anyone and everyone, same for me! We are both better off out of the situation. Don't put things on hold for him!

I agree with Charolais - complete political correctness that stifles women and it's being done by women. Women are telling women not to have these normal feelings and how dare you express them

It doesn't stifle women as much as we are stifled by men, who have always led these tropes of blaming the other woman and calling her such names.

Slag was used repeatedly, but not just that, multiple insults on her appearance.

Women have been brainwashed by the patriarchy for a very long time, and this attacking of the other woman, but all the while having romantic trips away with the person who actually did the cheating is exactly what men have always wanted. To treat women like crap and not have it be their fault, but the fault of another woman.

It's not PC overload, it's looking beyond a woman who has fallen foul to the same despicable man who did that to his wife/partner and not falling for the crap that's often been told to us to blame a woman for something a man did himself.

I also don't know what these righteous, oh so PC people, think they achieve by censoring. There's a line now that you can't say this or that if you're a feminist etc but I think it's by people that think it makes them look good and more advanced/evolved/woke. To me it just makes you mealy-mouthed and prim. Language is rich, use it in its entirety and stop trying to tell women they can't use words they want to use.

I have no problem with people speaking up, and I'm not 'prim' at all.

What I have an issue with is the attacking of other women, also victims of the same man, and them getting the blame and attack instead of a partner. It's exactly what men want women to do, it lays the blame and the bile elsewhere.

I don't mind seeing the foulest language, if that's what someone wants to say, have at it.
But to rip a woman apart from her head to toe and repeatedly call her a slag without intelligence or looks or even nice hair, all the while the accused husband is off on romantic jaunts with the wife, yeah, I see the problem there. The other woman is the scapegoat where all the anger is directed, and she's another victim of the ass who cheated on his wife.

I wonder if the people debating another poster's use of language as nauseum have noticed that they have driven the OP, a woman in real need of help, away from her own thread.

Give it a rest eh? Start s new thread of you want to continue this debate.

I hope you're ok op 

OP, I think from my experience it’s the right thing to do, it’s easier being upset and having a good think whilst not being expected to carry on with wifey work and feeling angry and resentful. It doesn’t mean that you have to separate long term if you decide not to, it does mean you can process that anger and thought with mental space to do so and that’s what I would say to your H too, ‘you need that physical and mental space to process this change in your relationship and decide what’s best for you’ it will also give him chance to show his true colours and either own his shit and step up or blame you/carry on being a shit etc. I wish now I had took my own advice!

Just wondering if this is the best time to get into a discussion on PC, the patriarchy and the rest?

Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me that supporting OP is the more important thing right now

bethy - this is a thread to support a woman who's world has just fallen apart. It is inappropriate and unfair to censor her language and tell her off for it. She's hurting and angry. I am sure there will be time for her to reflect on it later but right now she's venting.

You want to have a discussion about how language has been used to diminish and control women, fair enough, but this doesn't seem to be the right time or place.

Is she going off on romantic jaunts with her husband? I don't see it.

Oh and how do you know the OW is the victim of the same man? If she willingly got involved with a man she knows if married how is she a victim?

take your time OP... just dont rush and make rash decisions

IrianOfW Bethy’s posts relate to a grotesque post a page or so back by another poster who repeatedly used demeaning, misogynistic language to describe a woman who, being realistic, owed her nothing. Unlike the man who made his vows to her.

No one is being ‘told off’ but sexist, hateful bile directed towards other women should be called out. It’s a distraction from the real wrongdoing of the partner who chose to screw over the wife. I don’t care if that makes me ‘prim’ but I certainly cringe at seeing another woman being repeatedly called a ‘slag’ and having her appearance torn to shreds.

Supporting the OP and calling out misogynistic comments are not mutually exclusive. Infact, I don’t think the OP has herself used such vile language.

Bethy - I think it's called "divide and rule" and boy, they are good at it (men), aren't they? I agree that women have been brainwashed by the patriarchy, but on the other hand, I also understand a woman's need to vent.

I feel sorry for Frances, but I understand why she's adopted that narrative. She wants to believe that her DH won't do it again, and I sincerely hope that she's right and things work out for her. Sounds as though her DH has got away with it though. He doesn't sound nice.

I know of someone whose husband is a serial adulterer and they've been together 30 years. He gets away with it because he tells the DW that it was "just sex" or the OW didn't mean anything to him. She stays because she loves him and has never known another man. Her DH, meanwhile, told one of his affair partners he was in a "loveless" marriage and was seeing a solicitor about leaving his DW and even bought the OW a ring. He was lying to both the wife and the mistress.

I know of another OW who ditched her bloke because he wouldn't leave his wife. The MM turned up on her doorstep months later saying she'd ruined his life. But he STILL wouldn't leave his wife. Go figure....

I actually believe men are polygamous and only as faithful as their options, but then I don't have much faith in them. I think they are mainly dick-driven creatures.

I remember reading once about a wife who had an affair and her DH found out. He made her move out of the family home into a bedsit. He eventually took her back but not before she'd had a taste of the consequences of her actions, after which she described her affair as "a mistake that would never be repeated".

It seems that consequences are key.

What I have an issue with is the attacking of other women, also victims of the same man, and them getting the blame and attack instead of a partner.

This is naive, problematic and sexist in its own way, painting women as "victims" . Are we to assume that every woman who gets involved with a married/committed man is fragile and unaware? I had a friend who was having an affair. She went after that man, she didn't care that he was married, she spent hours stalking his DP, hiring cars so she could sit outside their home and watch him, she even wished a miscarriage on his DP who was pregnant at the time. She was extreme yes but this is by no means unusual. I used to work in an environment where affairs were rife and accepted. Those women (and men) didn't give a shit about the significant others, they thought it was funny, they felt triumphant if they got him/her - it was usually a him though - to stay later, go away with them, dump their families for them, sneak out to see them on special occasions. I often think those who try to police betrayed women's language around the OW must be quite naive and maybe not have much life experience that they prioritise dishing out a telling off rather than offer support.

Northern, although you make some valid points you are generalising all men which is extremely unfair.

It really depends on whether you could live with the deception afterwards, forgive and be assured as to whether it would never happen again. A tall ask and I would say very few marriages could survive.

I don't think I could forgive nor forget and it would always be in my head. I'd drive myself and him crazy even trying.

Once you've been betrayed so fundamentally, I couldn't live with it.

"Just sex" is even more insulting. It meant so little to betray your history, life, relationship for a physical quickie.

Hope you find a way through this OP

Sorry OP, if I went off track there. The reason being that, what struck me in your post is that your DH immediately said it was "just sex".

I've heard loads of these stories about affairs and men always say that when they're caught, because they know it works.

You sound a lovely, intelligent, thoughtful and caring woman who deserves so much better than this. I'm really glad you are telling your parents - you need someone on your side in RL. I know you're worried about your boys, but my DS left her DH when her kids were 13 and 15. They were devastated at the time but once they were with their mum in their new home, away from the family rows and tension, they got over it and now say their mum was right to leave.

If you do decide to stay with him - and I do understand totally why you would (because you still love him, if indeed that is the case), I think it would be best to give him a taste of what life might be like without you for a while. Let him experience the consequences of his actions.

If you are meant to be together, you will be. Good luck, my dear and I hope you can get some rest and support.

Mrs Wireman, I accept that I've made unfair and generalised remarks about men. I know they're not all like this. But it seems the nice ones usually live in monasteries

*bethy - this is a thread to support a woman who's world has just fallen apart. It is inappropriate and unfair to censor her language and tell her off for it. She's hurting and angry. I am sure there will be time for her to reflect on it later but right now she's venting.

You want to have a discussion about how language has been used to diminish and control women, fair enough, but this doesn't seem to be the right time or place.

Is she going off on romantic jaunts with her husband? I don't see it.*

I was in no way saying anything like this to the OP, it was another poster who berated the woman and constantly called her a slag and insulted her, and yes, the same poster said she has just got back from a romantic weekend away with her husband, who actually did the cheating.

I am also in no way censoring anyone, they can say what they want, I am however providing a different perspective on it, as men have for a long time pitted woman against woman and they attack each other and the men get away with their awful behaviour. The alternative would be to call him the slag and insult him, as he is truly who did wrong.

Apologies bethy! I didn't RTFFT

Northern, we've all had our own experiences which change our perspectives. However add Monasteries, religion, celibacy and men together and that's a whole other thread!

No worries IrianOfW.

Hi everyone, I’m not ignoring you all I’m at my parents house. They are lovely supportive people and let me talk as much or as little as I want.
I don’t want to out myself but my youngest isn’t currently studying, that’s why it’s a sensitive time.
I think you’ve discussed the other poster’s language enough now.

What PC rubbish that the OW is a victim of the same man! That attitude is as debilitating to women in general as the attitude of the patriarchy, as if they had no say in it or autonomy.

You speak as if the victims of husbands and partners cheating are laying all the blame at the OW. They're not. They know exactly who is the most culpable but they have a relationship with this person making the issue difficult - love mixed in with hate. They have no reason to pull their punches regarding their feelings towards the OW. Someone else mentions the OW owed her nothing. People, even strangers, owe others the decency of not having sex with their husbands. And if the OW woman truly owes the wife/partner nothing, then the wife/partner owes the OW nothing - and that includes calling her what she likes.

The husband/partner bears most of the blame in these situations but the OW isn't an innocent party/victim in all this that bears no blame. Of course she does.

There just seems to be this bending over backwards to never be judgemental, never to get pissed off, never to vent if the object is another women which is stifling, mealy-mouthed, unrealistic and is trying to put other women in their box - this time by other women, not men. If I was in this situation I wouldn't be told what I could or could not say or feel by other women on a mission to show how 'woke' they are.

Wonderful to hear your DPs are being so supportive, Woodandsky

Please don't say any more about the boys than you're comfortable with, but can I just mention that if as you imply DS2 is facing some challenges, perhaps that's something DH could have thought about before being quite so selfish and cruel?

We all want to protect our DCs, even when they're fully adult, but in a crisis I'd suggest it's important that the needs of all the family are balanced - and IME mum including her own needs in that can often lead to a happier outcome rather than a poorer one