Just found out husband of 25 years is having an affair

[Woodandsky]

Title says it all really, accidentally logged into his emails as my he was signed in to gmail on my laptop and there was a slightly over-familiar message from someone he knows (shared hobby) so I clicked on it. It was suspicious but not clear so I went back and read the later messages and they were very explicit, there's no doubt here.

Not really looking for sympathy but concrete advice about what to do, are there things I should do now before I tell him I know? We work together (me part-time) and have 2 sons in their late teens, other woman is married in similar circumstances, I didn't see any sign of them planning to run off together anytime soon.

He's my best friend and my only serious boyfriend, I don't have anyone in real life I feel I can talk to.

Don't just copy an excerpt forward and/or copy ALL the emails. All of them.

Op, why don't you want your friends to know? It seems such a shame that women often don't confide in friends when their husbands have affairs, as if they are the ones who need to be ashamed.

Oh, OP, how painful.

I would have a think about what your priorities are.

I understand Attila's advice, but I would think carefully about any DC in GCSE or A level year. Whereas I would be comfortable with saying 'Your Dad will be living elsewhere for the foreseeable future' I would not put an exam year child through a stormy / upsetting extended period of him refusing to leave, putting the house on the market, or whisking them into temporary accommodation etc until after the exams have finished.

My parents marriage recovered after a quite long affair of my father, but he was instantly utterly contrite and finished the affair and lived under certain understandings from then on. It wasn't the same marriage afterwards, but it was and is a good marriage. It was clear that however badly he had behaved (pretty fucking badly) he did actually still love my Mum, a lot. It was mad - they were obviously good together.

But you don't know how your H will be.

You don't have to make snap decisions, unless you know that you have a decision that is the right one.

Do tell a friend or family member. You have NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrassed about, and it will help.

The bloody, bloody men!

Go see a solicitor.

Lots of family lawyers offer a free half hour appointment. It's essentially a marketing thing to demonstrate their services to you but it can be really helpful as they can tell you next steps and what will be likely to happen. It's a chance for them to sell their services to you, basically, but in return you get an idea of how it all works.

As it's a marketing thing, don't feel bad about seeing more than one to get an idea of who you want to represent you.

As people say, make copies of everything, all financial records.

Please seriously consider leaving him, else you are condemning yourself to a half life. Your self esteem will likely take a battering if you stay.

No real advice OP - just reiterate what pp have said, take some time to digest and figure out what you want. Getting legal and financial advice is good advice too. Im sorry you're in this situation OP.

Photograph/screenshot the emails ASAP so you have records in case you need to show a solicitor. Don't forward them to yourself or he will see you've done so before you're ready to say something. Totally not acceptable. I don't think I could forgive in this situation. I'm so sorry for what has happened

It's a normal and common reaction, doublethink. I think it's because it's 'real' then. OP is only processing it for now

Meant to say; Open an account solely in your name if you don't already have one and transfer a reasonable (ie not the whole lot)! amount of money into it in case the joint accounts are frozen by him if you start legal proceedings

The very last thing you should do is speak to him first before you've made copies of every interaction with this woman that you can find. And even then I'd make copies of all finances, too.

What Seven said. With bells on. Copies of everything.
Email print outs so you can divorce him for adultery naming her.
Safety deposit box with passports, bank books etc
Copies of all finances, accounts so that he cannot claim different earnings to CSA
www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance
I would also be opening a new bank account in your name only and syphon joint accounts funds into it asap, especially if you cannot work there anymore: put new bank book with a close family member
Do not leave family home - he has to leave.

I would have ALL this in place before any convo - even if you intend saving you marriage/going to counselling.
Seriously - once he knows you knows, it could go very differently. Be prepared. Oh and forget the Pick Me Dance, you are worth more than that lovey.

I agree with most posts to say nothing and gather evidence. Have a good think about what you want to do. Find a good solicitor. As for not turning your children’s lives upside down, as a teen my father died within a week of sitting my exams. I am not suggesting you do this of course but your children will cope expecially if it is just a case of him moving out - which I’m assuming are his plans atm. Moving, selling up, asset splitting all takes time.

OP, very sorry to read that you find yourself in this position. Must have been a terrible shock for you. While I've not been in this exact position myself, whenever life has thrown me a curve ball, I've always found that getting as much information as possible, has helped me feel more in control and set me up to make decisions based on facts, rather than possibilities. If i did find myself in your position, as others have suggested, I would be getting as much detail on finances as I could, copies of emails (if you forward to your email, there will be an email trail in his sent box/original may show as being forwarded, so this could make him aware you are onto him). Getting proper legal advice, so you know where you stand. This will equip you to decide how YOU want to proceed and what is best for you and your boys. Its understandable you want to ensure your sons are OK, but you are also entitled to be happy and you are best placed to know how robust your kids would be, if you were to split. good luck OP. Sadly lots of others on here will be in a very good position to offer wisdom!

You don’t need to make a decision this minute. I’d suggest doing a few things while you give yourself time to process how you feel.

Print the emails if you can. I know that people have suggested forwarding them but that would most likely leave a trail and you might not be able to hide it all.

Make copies of important documents like finances, etc. If they are really important, take the originals and keep them somewhere like in your car. Try to imagine what you’d need if you decided to suddenly leave and didn’t have time to sort through paperwork.

Talk to a solicitor or two. This doesn’t mean that you have to file for divorce. But it’s important to know your options and what the process would look like. It can help you to make a more informed decision down the road.

Speak to a therapist if possible. This is a huge shock and you deserve to be able to confide in someone.

I’m very sorry that this has happened, but you will get through it.

doublethink I didn’t confide in my friends and it was one of then best decisions I made. Once something has been said, it can’t be unsaid.

Posted too soon. And yes to all the financial advice above about your own bank account financial statements, information on investments etc. Particularly like Ozzies post.

WoodandSky after 28 years together, I was in your shoes 18 months ago, with eldest DC in the middle of A levels.
I got copies of everything. Financial papers, pension, credit cards, mortgage and got the DCs passports in a safe place.
He continued texting her and meeting her for another 4 months. It was the most awful time in my life. (I'd survived breast cancer and a mastectomy, but this is worse)
She was a nothing. Younger than me, but really nothing, just a slag. His behaviour was so out of character, he didn't like becoming a slag, which he did. She's been through 2 partners since my H, and left her new husband too, (she was sexting my H whilst she was on honeymoon).
So, see a solicitor, get the evidence stored in a few different safe places as well as financial information , before you confront him. If you have a joint bank account, keep your eye on it online and if money starts to be withdrawn, freeze it. You can do this on your own, but you can't cap withdrawals without joint agreement.
A decision to do nothing immediately is a decision in itself. He's known what's going on for months, you've only just found out.
I stayed with my H, we've just had a romantic weekend away. He's very sorry. He admits that he was awful, she was awful and he was having a midlife crisis.
Will I ever trust him the same again? No.
Will I ever love him so wholly again? No.
Will I keep putting myself last again? No.
For me it's still early days. I still have angry days and still wonder if I'll stay in the marriage in the long term.
The text books all say don't compare yourself to the OW, but I'm afraid you will.
His OW was in her late 20s, short, stocky, broken nosed, not educated, and just the local slag.
I'm 5ft 8, my long blonde hair has grown back beautifully after my breast cancer, I'm a size 8 , well educated and have got back to being at the top of my professional tree after my illness.
What I'm not is a cheap slag, and I never will be.
Neither will you.
This will be an awful chapter of your life. You will get through it.
I don't believe the claptrap that marriages can be stronger after affairs. Mine certainly isn't. But we are still together and do have some happy times.
What has happened is that I am not prepared to be last in the pecking order any more (we have 2 DSs and it was a very male household).
I really feel for you op. Watch your back over the next few months and trust your instincts.
Don't make huge decisions until you're ready to, let him dance round you for a while

Buy yourself time. Get copies of everything, see a solicitor.

Above all, get proof of his earnings if he's self-employed (sounds like he is if you work for him?). It's very easy for men in that situation to hide money.

Confiding in someone will make it more real. And it's not your 'mortification' to carry - it's his.

You are receiving some bad advice. You do not tell him anything and carry on as normal.

That gives you time to seek legal advice regarding the finances and preparing for the divorce.

When you finally speak to him it will be to say that you want a divorce.

Oh OP what a horrible shock.

Lots of good advice but one thing that stood out for me from your OP : "he's my best friend".

Well, quite clearly he's not. And you need to remember that.

Good luck we are all rooting for you

@Woodandsky as PP's have said forward the whole email chain or all of the individual emails to yourself at an email account he doesn't know about so that you have them safe.

You don't need to do anything now at all other than deal with the shock that you have suffered.

You sound like you know all about the financial side of things so that is really good but again if possible make sure that you have control of funds in case things turn nasty. If you have a large amount of money in a deposit account you can ask for it to be frozen so that neither of you can touch it or you can take half and put it in an account that only you have access to to protect yourself and have sufficient funds to be able to instruct a solicitor should it become necessary.

You will be suffering from shock at the moment as it is awful having your life as you know it ripped away and it genuinely is like a bereavement so please be kind to yourself. I would recommend confiding in someone who can be trusted to keep your confidence so that you have an outlet in real life because it is awful and isolating being in this position.

If you don't know what you want to do then can you take yourself off out tonight so that you don't need to face him immediately while you decide.

From personal experience and as a PP said I wish I had MN when it happened to me. I forgave the first time I found out because I didn't want to upset the family and it only got worse afterwards. He went on to become a person I didn't know at all. It turned out he had actually pretty much always cheated on me and I found that the hardest thing because I felt my life had been a lie.

Don't talk to him until you have all your ducks in a row.

Print/screenshot all emails for evidence. Sort out any financial matters. Look for a job. Make a plan for both scenarios of either staying or leaving.

Then, once the fear of the practical matters are taken care of, work out what's best for you emotionally. Don't rush into any decisions. You don't need to do anything until you're ready.

Sorry OP 

When you finally speak to him it will be to say that you want a divorce.

You have criticised others advice poppy but maybe that’s not what woodandsky wants.

I'm sorry OP.
However, I think there is some over reaction going on here or should we say one trick pony advice? (ie LTB.)

For a start, it's up to you, but after 25 years you might not want to throw in the towel. If you can get over the shock and talk about it, you might find your marriage can recover and is even better. Not all affairs have to end in divorce if the 2 people in the marriage want to give it another go. I have loads of friends who've hit the 25 yr mark and more, and some have experienced what you have, and decided to try again - and are together.

You don't need to do a Sherlock Holmes and start gathering evidence! The only reason you'd need 'evidence' is if you divorce him on the grounds of adultery and that would be a quicker way to end the marriage, other than unreasonable behaviour.

You only need ONE email to have evidence if it's explicit as you say.
You don't need his 'consent' to your divorcing him on the grounds of adultery.

The only reason for printing off all those emails is to challenge him to come clean. What's the point?

Divorce now is pretty much no fault- to no settlement is going to be in your favour because he had an affair.

Your priority now is to decide if you want to keep the marriage going and understand this affair may be a symptom of what's not working for you both and if you want to work on saving your relationship.

There are many, many couples who do not divorce after an affair if it's a long marriage and there are children involved. You need to give yourself time to think about what you want.

Personally I could maybe forgive a one-night stand if it was a one off, but not a long-standing affair.

Best advice I can give is say nothing until you've had a chance to process what has happened and get some proper legal advice. Make double copies of everything.

Then once you've decided what you want to do, confront him.

@poppyinagreenfield
Talking to someone legal about finances is VERY premature surely?

Finances are the last thing, once someone has decided their marriage is over. Finances would be decided by the courts, unless the couple can come to an agreement themselves, or go through mediation.

I don't understand this attitude of 'right, let's get the money sorted...'

These matters can take a very long time to sort where there are teens still at home, money tied up in a business etc.

The usual process is to split 50-50 but it all depends on earning potential, kids' ages, pensions, etc. No sols is going to sort that at this stage!

I am so sorry you are going through this.

There is no need to make a decision right now.

Set up a seperate gmail account and forward all the emails there and any other information incase you want them later - just don’t forget to delete the emails in his “sent” area in emails

Seek financial and legal advice, again store/communicate in new email.

You can then decide what to do with that information later.

If you are going to raise it with him perhaps may be an idea to have the kids stay with family/friends so can have a robust conversation without fear of them hearing/walking in.