Just found out husband of 25 years is having an affair

[Woodandsky]

Title says it all really, accidentally logged into his emails as my he was signed in to gmail on my laptop and there was a slightly over-familiar message from someone he knows (shared hobby) so I clicked on it. It was suspicious but not clear so I went back and read the later messages and they were very explicit, there's no doubt here.

Not really looking for sympathy but concrete advice about what to do, are there things I should do now before I tell him I know? We work together (me part-time) and have 2 sons in their late teens, other woman is married in similar circumstances, I didn't see any sign of them planning to run off together anytime soon.

He's my best friend and my only serious boyfriend, I don't have anyone in real life I feel I can talk to.

WoodAndSky you are doing so well through this

I think I would ask him to go and think very carefully and honestly through some questions. Think about the answers he would give himself, for himself:

The affair is stopping because he was found out. If that hadn’t happened, what would be happening now? Next month? In 6 months? A year?

Would it have carried on?

Or if stopped would it be out of his regard for you, or because he got bored with her, or what?

How does he feel about his own conscience? Does he want nothing more than to repair his marrriage and be with you, or will he need to deploy self discipline? Does he trust his own sense of integrity, honesty?

If a magic fairy could guarantee that he would never be found out, would he do the same thing again?

I would ask him to answer these things privately to himself, and then make a decision as to whether he should ask you to try and mend the marriage.

Hope you're as ok as you can be op? X

I’m ok (I think).
At the moment I think I want us to try to stay together. We have had a very honest weekend and it feels like there may be a chance.

He is still on the sofa and has agreed to give up anything that she is still going to so as not to see her at all. We are both going to get tested. He admits all the jealous stuff and I have not held back on how it’s made me feel. He is distraught and determined to be different, I will have to wait and see if he can be.

I have had a day out with a wonderful friend and I’m going to do more of that, have my own life whichever way this turns out.

I’m going to leave this thread now and head back to the real world, but I can’t say thank you enough to everyone here that helped me this week, I honestly couldn’t have survived it without you.

Thanks for the update @Woodandsky, you're doing what is right for you. Keep healthy.

All the best Op. take care of yourself.

All he best! I really hope things work out well for you.

Good luck wood xx FWIW I stayed with my H after his affair. He is now my 'D' H again. It's been long and painful but for us it was worth it

Good Luck WoodandSky 💐

IrianOfW same here 😊

He no longer loves you. Simple.

Talk to a solicitor and start divorce.

You can never trust him again.

And chances are you'll get a big payout.

I hope things are working out for you and your family op