Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out husband of 25 years is having an affair

285 replies

Woodandsky · 29/10/2018 12:00

Title says it all really, accidentally logged into his emails as my he was signed in to gmail on my laptop and there was a slightly over-familiar message from someone he knows (shared hobby) so I clicked on it. It was suspicious but not clear so I went back and read the later messages and they were very explicit, there's no doubt here.

Not really looking for sympathy but concrete advice about what to do, are there things I should do now before I tell him I know? We work together (me part-time) and have 2 sons in their late teens, other woman is married in similar circumstances, I didn't see any sign of them planning to run off together anytime soon.

He's my best friend and my only serious boyfriend, I don't have anyone in real life I feel I can talk to.

OP posts:
MaryJenson · 01/11/2018 12:44

The advice to live your best life is key in this situation. I’m still be my DH post his affair but if it doesn’t work out, for whatever reason, I will never feel these years have been wasted.

lovetherisingsun · 01/11/2018 12:47

He is desperate for me to forgive him and is begging for another chance. I think he is genuine.
For the sake of the boys and to give myself a chance to think I have set out my terms for the here and now

OP - I think there is a chance he can prove he's changed. But, it is a life long thing. This isn't something he can do for a few months/a year. This is a forever change to the way he is, the way he behaves, the way he interacts and communicates with you....and even then, EVEN THEN, it's not going to be easy.

I'm almost 9 years down the road from finding out. He's never let up from the change he began in himself all those years ago - he is still open, understanding about the nightmares I STILL have from time to time about it (I wake up crying...it's just soul destroying sometimes). Never does anything to cause worry....at the start, he even did things like bought psychology books on "why men cheat" etc...he read them, back to front, inside out, notes in margins...

I'm not a fool. I am fully aware he may be cheating, even now, and I will never know because he now knows how to be careful. But that's the sad part - I am living KNOWING he might be...I am living still with flash backs and nightmares. My heart is still numbed about him, really....I don't really, truly feel loved, now. He's relatively kind to me. He's the best dad to our children - I couldn't want for a better father for them. I am freer now in the sense I know I would be ok if I were to leave him...but I don't know true trust and I don't trust that I am truly loved. The memories are still horrific. I don't leave, because to be honest, what's the point...I would never, ever date again. So for now, I remain with him as my "friend" husband.

It's not an easy road to "forgive" - and you certainly never forget. It's a life of forever more always wondering where he is or if he's talking to someone, and knowing what he tells you might never be the actual truth.

DiaryofWimpyMum · 01/11/2018 12:52

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I don't have any advice to add other than it does get better over time.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/11/2018 12:58

I know enough people from the same circle to be able to check who was where

But do you want to put yourself in that traumatising position, when he's already proved capable of hiding months' worth of "making detailed plans" to be with someone else?

You've said what you expect, but not much about what he's offering except crying and begging. Remember that it's for him to make the running here, and if he can't or won't actively reassure you it becomes a question of what you're actually trying for

Only you can decide what to do, but now he's won his way back into the house, be aware that he may be banking on things simmering down so he can carry on as he was - but being even more careful next time

MaryJenson · 01/11/2018 13:02

I agree he should give up the hobby, at least for the time being.

poobumwee · 01/11/2018 13:05

OP, been wondering how you are doing! Good for you setting out your ground rules! hope you are feeling OK, despite the terrible shock!

Mitzimaybe · 01/11/2018 14:02

He needs to give up the hobby. He can spend that time at home doing the wifework thus giving you the chance to get out and enjoy yourself (and meet someone else?)

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/11/2018 15:01

Unless I've missed it, I'd actually be very disappointed he hadn't suggested giving up the hobby himself, even if just for a while. Considering the anguish he's caused OP that really doesn't seem too much to expect

Inertia · 01/11/2018 16:42

He needs to give up the hobby completely, or relocate to a different club where there is zero chance of seeing her. He has already proved himself more than capable of pulling the wool over your eyes regarding logistics.

If he won’t make this change, you know where you stand.

Thebluedog · 01/11/2018 17:16

I think he should have suggested giving up the hobby completely if he can’t do it without potentially running into her.

As others have said, remember YOU’VE made the decision not to end the relationship, HE HASN’T made the decision to stay

HannahnotAgnes · 01/11/2018 17:17

Good luck Op. Glad you've set some ground rules.

Original poster
Woodandsky · 01/11/2018 17:20

Oh god I realise that I sound like I’m caving already. After all those years of being manipulated by someone you love I don’t how you break away from it.

I had to go into work today (his family business) and the first chance we were alone he thought I’d want to talk, I didn’t.

Lovetherisingsun thank you for your description of what is basically the best case scenario if I let him stay, it gives me a realistic picture to work off.

As for the hobby I think he should stick with it, I don’t want him hanging around the house all night. It’s hard to explain without outing but my request is reasonable but not easy, I’m expecting push back from her.

I’m not getting into telling her husband at this point because I want to control who knows in order to minimise the chances of the boys finding out before I’m ready to tell them, an angry husband on our doorstep would not be the best way for them to find out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Woodandsky · 01/11/2018 17:22

On a slightly lighter note, has anyone else in this situation played Whitney’s It’s Not Right But It’s OK over and over again....?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 01/11/2018 17:49

OP you are handling this with such dignity and strength.. credit to you Lady Flowers

lonelyplanetmum · 01/11/2018 18:27

Just read your thread. Huge respect to you. Deepest disrespect to him.

VictoriaBun · 01/11/2018 18:34

Also tell him to get himself checked out for stds and likewise yourself.

Original poster
Woodandsky · 01/11/2018 19:17

Hi Victoria
Yes I will, someone else suggested that and I wouldn’t have thought of it, a bit more humiliation then....

OP posts:
goodnessgrace · 01/11/2018 20:10

Had to do the same OP, was mortified but the ladies at the GUM clinic were absolute diamonds. I couldn't hold it together when I explained why I was there (I went the day after I found out). They gave me hugs and joined in with my "why are all men such shits" lamenting.

 they'll look after you

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/11/2018 20:26

Another vote for the brilliance of the GUM clinic staff; absolutely nobody wants to be there, but they've seen this situation time and again and they couldn't have been better

About the hobby - it's natural that you don't want him in the house all the time, but what's wrong with taking up a different one?

As I've said, you really do need to prioritise yourself right now, however unused you are to doing it. Concern about "pushback" from the OW and even a wobble from the boys counts for nothing if you become hollowed out by enabling a faithless man, and while sounding as if you're "caving" doesn't matter on here, it matters a lot that he'll be getting the same impression

Think first of your own happiness and mental health and everything else will follow

MaryJenson · 01/11/2018 20:49

You don’t have to give your real name at the Clinic if you don’t want to x

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 01/11/2018 20:56

Agree he needs to give up the hobby entirely - that's the first consequence of the choices he repeatedly made. From now on his hobby is working out why he felt entitled to treat you that way and how he will ensure it never happens again.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/11/2018 20:59

MaryJenson is correct, and FWIW you can also ask them not to contact your GP ... in fact they'll probably ask if you want them to or not

So in other words, the visit doesn't need to be on your records at all

Pessismistic · 01/11/2018 21:33

Can I just say if you decide to forgive him because he loves you but if you hadn’t had find out it he would have carried on so when you say just it was sex the most intimate part of your relationship it wasn’t a one night stand it was planning and sneaking and lying to you not caring about you finding out disrespecting you each time he had sex with her. good luck if u stay each to there own op.

Original poster
Woodandsky · 01/11/2018 21:55

Yep I know Pessimistic, there’s no good outcome here, just a choice of rubbish ones. It sucks!

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 01/11/2018 22:20

You have to do what’s best for you and your family it’s a pity your dh didn’t think of you all earlier. Has he said why he’s done this to you? I wish women were more respectful of other woman in these situations but I think it’s because they have rubbish relationships themselves they don’t think of the pain or consequences only there own selfish needs x