Just found out husband of 25 years is having an affair

[Woodandsky]

Title says it all really, accidentally logged into his emails as my he was signed in to gmail on my laptop and there was a slightly over-familiar message from someone he knows (shared hobby) so I clicked on it. It was suspicious but not clear so I went back and read the later messages and they were very explicit, there's no doubt here.

Not really looking for sympathy but concrete advice about what to do, are there things I should do now before I tell him I know? We work together (me part-time) and have 2 sons in their late teens, other woman is married in similar circumstances, I didn't see any sign of them planning to run off together anytime soon.

He's my best friend and my only serious boyfriend, I don't have anyone in real life I feel I can talk to.

Just take your time. Get some physical distance, ask him to leave? Temporarily? You need time away from him. You could say to your sons that there has been a bit of a rift, that it would be good to have time apart. But be low key, play it down, say all marriages have patches like that.

I found that just carrying on was not conducive to making a clear decision. You’ll see DH every day, you’ll feel sad, he will be on his best behavior, things may just slip back without really processing this.

Better to separate and then focus on you and your life and sons? For a few months? Then start counseling or talk to friends, get perspective, then make a decision about your marriage when you’ve got your head together, and you are in a stronger position?

Take your time, it's very new for you.

Your boys will be fine if you do decide to part, they'll soon be moving on to lives of their own if they are late teens, they must be well adapted boys who understand that sometimes marriages end, they'll probably have a lot of friends whose parents have been in similar situations.

Maybe you could ask for some counselling or something, in the sessions you could open up about it all and come to conclusions of what you want, be it a divorce or to work it through. It may help you as you said you couldn't tell any of your friends, so you'd have a good sounding board with a therapist.

Also, and I don't think I've read this, but book an appointment at the clinic and get an STD check, just in case he's caught something from this woman, or if there have been women previously too.

Just six? Yes, he’s saying this to ‘protect’ you. It’s more than sex, it’s a massive betrayal. Huge.

Take your time, you can dictate what happens next because he’ll be feeling scared of what you’ll do and who you’ll tell.

You don’t need to make any decisions right now, but it is a good idea to ensure you have copies of his salary slips in case you decide to split.

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself.

I’m like the fbi with stuff like this... you need to copy the emails, get hard copies of all finances. This way he can’t try to deny it and if you do decide to divorce you have a basis to do so. If you wanted you could do more investigating but I say you have enough evindence.

I once had a bf who used to call me and one day he called me to say he was being followed and I never heard from him all night, naturally I was worried. I didn’t sleep. At 5am I’m not sure what possessed me to do so but he had given me his bank details years before so I logged on to try and trace his footsteps. Found out he’d withdrawn money from a local hotel atm, I immediately knew what was going, I got dressed and travelled there and just sat in reception until I saw him exit the lift with another women. The worse part, that hotel was where we used to go all the time and the staff knew us. I didn’t care he was with the other women I just wanted to know why, something he wouldn’t tell me for months.
The worse part is having no closure. I was only 18 at the time, so you have a lot more to lose, gather as much evidence as you can

Sorry you're going through this.
Nothing to add - lots of good advice being offered, along with some nasty nonsense.

OP , one thing I wish I had done was told him he had to move out for a period to give me space. (Or I had done so) but I didn't, it was3 days before Xmas and you know what women are like, can't spoil anyone's Xmas etc. I found it hard to just carry on and act normal without feeling like I wanted to bloody assault him or I wanted to bring the subject up and it became clear that he felt say a week of recriminations was enough and I needed to mentally 'move on'. I think the mental space to think and be upset without the other person being there would have helped at the time to be honest . If you are worried that having the space may mean he just carries it on, if he was going to do so chances are he would anyway, just hide it better. You can minimise that aspect too if you decide to tell the other partner.

I don't think I can bear to but them through their parents divorcing

You’re not putting them through it, their cheating lying father is.

Can’t sleep, I wonder why....
I’m going to tell him to stay somewhere else tonight, then I’m going to talk to my parents. I don’t want to upset them either but I need someone to talk to and I know they have nothing but me and the boys interests at heart.

Hi OP,
That's a good idea to talk to your parents, I know you don't want to upset them but they will want to know, and to be there for you, and I think it is important for you to have someone to support you through this right now.

OP I'm sorry you're going through this, it's so upsetting. It will get better. If future you could come back in time I'm sure she'd tell you the same.
Give yourself time to get over the shock but be careful regarding practical things like finances etc. I know you're hurting and it's the last thing on your mind, but things can get nasty if/when you split up.
He will be advised on what to do and it's unlikely to have your best interests in mind.
Take care

I have no real advice but just wanted to say I'm so sorry that this has happened. Glad that you are going to get support from your parents.

I have given advice on here before about finding a confidante - even if an acquaintance from Facebook called me and said “I need a friend”, I’d be there, or on a phone, trying to help or support (in fact I have done that).

Family and Friends will not want to see you hurting this way on your own, they will want to help.

I think confiding in your parents is a good idea. Real life support with take an enormous amount of stress off your shoulders.

'I would do anything not to hurt my boys'
I'm sorry but it's not you who has hurt them, this is all down to your h decisions and actions.
You're just sorting out the mess.
Just think how bad your ch will feel when they find out you stayed together for them, I wouldn't want that responsibility.

How old are your boys Wood?

Late teens, one at university I think

From your very brief comment that 'My boys are at really important points in their life' - I believe this to be your overwhelming concern ?

Please don't under estimate the effect divorce has on older children. Of course they adapt and get on with life and some even see that it was the best outcome, - eventually. However that is a fairly long process. The initial realisation that parents in a long marriage are divorcing can be devastating effect on exams. I am guessing your youngest is on the run up to A'levels. ? Maybe eldest doing finals ? None of this is of their making and it is really unfair that they could end up bearing the greatest consequences of their fathers disgusting behaviour .

In your situation I would put my emotions and decisions about the future in a deep freeze until May/June next year. Plaster on a smile in public and do the best bit of acting of your life. You haven't raised 2 children to almost the finish line, for their father to fuck it up a few feet from the end. Harming their long term opportunities for University/Career.

As parents we often have to be selfless. For me, this would be just another one of those times. It doesn't mean that you can't divorce him next year. Or decide you are willing to try and repair. You just get to make those decisions later , without it having such detrimental effect on your boys.

OMG. I cannot believe the poor advice that you do nothing for 8 or 9 months! I truly don’t think anyonecould live that long bottling up the hurt, devastation, grief of what has happened and what may come. The OP could very well be a shell of her current self by that time. By far more important to the children is a home of calm and support not one full of tension, anger will come (from both sides) and a nervous wreck of a mother using all her energy to put up a false front. Any healthcare professional would not advise that. I’d strongly suggest getting counselling both both OP to work through this severe betrayal and offer to the kids to also work through change in family dynamic. They’ll know things are not the same. Why leave them on tenderhooks for the greater part of a year, wondering what’s going on and having fear of the unknown. Constant sorry for 8 or 9 months.

Sweetheart don't make any big decisions now. Take time to absorb the shock and adjust. Maybe have some time apart but if you want to save your marriage you might be able to. If it was just sex you can possible address that between you and find the spark again. Good luck x

So much good advice from wise MNers here - as I said before, I wish wish wish MN had been around 20 years ago.

I am glad that you are asking him to give you more space and that you are telling your parents. I know they will view him differently should you remain together, but why should you keep his secrets for him? Who is that helping but him?

Agree with YetMoreCrap that if you don't ask for space, after a few weeks he will just presume you should have got over it - after all, he's said he's sorry, that it was just sex . Also, be prepared for him not being willing to stay away for more than a couple of nights. I got my ex to leave for a couple of days when he had his first affair - but surprise surprise, he didn't like it and came back. (I had just changed the fucking sheets too and he was "so tired he went to bed for the afternoon" in my clean bed - not helping with kids so absolutely no fucking use at all.) I suggested he stay with his parents - flat refusal. I didn't know what to do - could hardly physically throw him out could I? It was his house too, so I let myself be talked round to giving him a second chance only for him to walk out 8 years later when it suited him better. I wish now I had reluctantly allowed him back but made it clear that I really wanted a divorce - and then told my parents and friends.

Sorry for the ramble (can you tell I am still angry more than 20 years later?) but my point is - be very clear that you are making no firm decisions yet and even if he comes back he cannot presume anything.
Hope he is not sleeping in the same bed!

Do tell your friends and family. I know you don’t want to because you feel embarrassed or that if you do try again you don’t want them to know. But this is his fault and you need the support. It’s nit you that should be embarrassed

@Charolais

This political correctness which many women are trying to force on each other is stifling/oppressive. It is disgusts me that women don't want women who act like slags being described as slags. Instead they are demanding the good decent women who have been badly hurt to become mealy-mouthed, oppressed and certainly not entitled to voice their opinion.

I could not agree more. It's as though they jostle to be first to tell the betrayed woman to not blame the OW when it is a totally natural and normal reaction to do so. If you've loved and raised a family and made a whole life with someone for 10/20/30 years of course your instinct is to try to protect that and defend against the outsider who appears to be attacking it.

@FrancesDestroyed I am so sorry to read what happened to you. The word slag is not one I like and I think the repeated is use is hard to read and perhaps why you got the responses you did. BUT I fully defend your right to express your anger this way after what was done to you when you were at your most vulnerable.

OP. In my experience these men will promise the world when they first get caught because that was never the intention and they're terrified. As time goes by though, the recriminations and seeing their wife in pain often becomes rather dull for them and they tend to became much more cruel and dismissive. What you're seeing from him now is not how he will be in a few months. Whatever choice you make, don't make it now. You need to wait and see what his attitude is in the long term. He will show you soon enough.

Completely agree with CarolDanvers last paragraph.

Adore The Beach
OMG. I cannot believe the poor advice that you do nothing for 8 or 9 months! I truly don’t think anyonecould live that long bottling up the hurt, devastation, grief of what has happened and what may come

Yes of course that's poor advice because going through a divorce from a man you have lived for 25 yrs is soooooo much less stressful 

Sorry you're going through this Woodandsky.

I agree with Charolais - complete political correctness that stifles women and it's being done by women. Women are telling women not to have these normal feelings and how dare you express them. She feels what she feels, as does FrancesDestroyed. Of course they realise their husbands or partners hold most of the responsibility towards them but up until finding out they love that person so feelings are mixed. Yes, they'll direct anger at them but it's totally unrealistic to not feel anger also for the other woman.

It's political correctness overload. People jump on this bandwagon of oh you can't say that. It's stifling as Charolais says so it's not just men stifling women and their voice to feel what they feel it's women too. Women telling women they can't feel like this and can't express it and telling them they should be telling themselves to feel something else. That's not in women's interests at all.

A slag is a descriptive word used by both men and women, usually in respect of women but also in respect of men too. If people want to use it, let them. Stop being the word police as it's not down to you to put a gag on people's words or emotions.

I also don't know what these righteous, oh so PC people, think they achieve by censoring. There's a line now that you can't say this or that if you're a feminist etc but I think it's by people that think it makes them look good and more advanced/evolved/woke. To me it just makes you mealy-mouthed and prim. Language is rich, use it in its entirety and stop trying to tell women they can't use words they want to use.