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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out husband of 25 years is having an affair

285 replies

Woodandsky · 29/10/2018 12:00

Title says it all really, accidentally logged into his emails as my he was signed in to gmail on my laptop and there was a slightly over-familiar message from someone he knows (shared hobby) so I clicked on it. It was suspicious but not clear so I went back and read the later messages and they were very explicit, there's no doubt here.

Not really looking for sympathy but concrete advice about what to do, are there things I should do now before I tell him I know? We work together (me part-time) and have 2 sons in their late teens, other woman is married in similar circumstances, I didn't see any sign of them planning to run off together anytime soon.

He's my best friend and my only serious boyfriend, I don't have anyone in real life I feel I can talk to.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 29/10/2018 18:42

I agree with you bethy.

It’s understandable that you feel anger at the OW, but it was your husband who betrayed you.

patstar · 29/10/2018 18:44

Bethy15

Are you for real!!!!
Yes her anger and disappointment was directed at her husband and the 'slag' that she so wishes and is within her rights to call her.
Get over yourself

Original poster
Woodandsky · 29/10/2018 18:46

Oh and I do know the woman, not as well as he does obviously..... he’s told her I know and that allegedly it’s all over
She’s a lot more glamorous than me but pretty common, for want of a better way of putting it. I think I’ll save my anger for him though, she doesn’t owe me any loyalty it’s her husband she’s cheated on.

OP posts:
MajorArcana · 29/10/2018 18:49

You're wise to save your anger for him Woodandsky. I hope he allows you the space to think about what you want next.

I get that nobody is going to be the biggest fan of their H's other woman but hte post on the previous page was truly shocking! The one with the word slag in it about five times.

OliviaBenson · 29/10/2018 18:51

Just sexAngry

I'd tell him to leave as you need space for now.

Sorry op. He sounds like he's sorry he's been caught.

OliviaBenson · 29/10/2018 18:52

I'd be telling the husband as well.

Original poster
Woodandsky · 29/10/2018 18:54

I wondered about telling her husband, in order to hurt her, but it will hurt him more.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 29/10/2018 18:56

Don't let him push you for a decision yet OP. He has known about this for 4 months (probably more) and you have known about it for a day - you can't possibly make an informed decision about how you feel or what you want to do yet.

My solicitor told me (although this was some years ago) that if you leave it 6 months after finding out about an affair then you can't divorce for adultery - which is more straightforward than unreasonable behaviour. So, if I have got it right, this is worth bearing in mind.

I take your point about not wanting to tell people in case you do stay together - this is exactly how I felt and why I didn't tell mutual friends or family (I wish had now though - but it might well be different for you) but I did confide in a friend/colleague who didn't know him that well. She tried not to influence me but it was obvious she felt I should leave him - I wish I had, but again, things might work out better for you.

Whatever you eventually decide, don't give him an easy time - he has a LOT of work to do to repair damage (if it can ever be done). A lot of people men seem to think that if you're not over it in a couple of weeks you're being unreasonable. Make no promises and on the QT find out what you might be entitled to - 50% as people say although it sounds like the kids are still in education so maybe not.

I felt that me ex just bided his time until it was more favourable for him to leave. Hope it is different for you but forewarned is forearmed.

Unicornandbows · 29/10/2018 18:56

I would tell the husband because he is just in the dark as you are and if he knew I'm sure you would like to know about it x

Original poster
Woodandsky · 29/10/2018 18:56

I would tell him to leave but I don’t want the boys to know anything until I’ve had a chance to think. Luckily one is at uni and the other has a new girlfriend so we don’t see much of them at the moment

OP posts:
Original poster
Woodandsky · 29/10/2018 18:58

Unicorn I really wish I didn’t know

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 29/10/2018 18:58

Sorry - meant to add, please don't accept everything he now says as the truth - he will dress it up in the best light - only 4 months, only sex, it means nothing blahdeblah - he will only admit to what you already know. Gather your information on finances etc and bide your time - and get him to sleep in the spare room, tell the kids he snores and keeps you awake.

starrynitelight · 29/10/2018 19:03

Tell the husband. I did and it was the most cathartic thing for me at the time

LizzieSiddal · 29/10/2018 19:06

Please take your time, Wood. You don’t need to decide anything at all, for now. You’ve had an awful shock.x

Original poster
Woodandsky · 29/10/2018 19:07

Ok I’ll think about it, won’t do any harm to let her suffer for a bit though wondering if I’m going to

OP posts:
WinterSunglasses · 29/10/2018 19:10

I have zero time for women who knowingly sleep with married men. Chicks before dicks and all that.

Me neither and I also have little time for women deciding that the most useful contribution they can make on here is to have a go at distressed and hurt women for their choice of language. If you're that concerned about misogyny then spend your time correcting the main proponents of it - men.

OP, I'd speak to a solicitor and get verbal advice. Doesn't commit you to anything but does put you in the picture. I would be telling him you will be taking all the time you want to make a decision about this. I'd also tell her husband - not to cause more trouble but because he has a right to know and not be deceived any longer than necessary. He still then has the choice of what he does next.

AnotherShirtRuined · 29/10/2018 19:10

I wonder how he would feel if you had been having 'just sex' with some other man for the past four months? Would he be able to get over it?

Sending you lots of hand-holds should you need them Flowers

FrancesDestroyed · 29/10/2018 19:19

I didn't tell her new husband. I felt that this was her business, not mine. I didn't want to be vindictive as her husband really wasn't my business.
When, 6 months later, she kept repeatedly texting my husband with, "Missing you xx"
And, "My "boys" and I are sooo missing you, " (remember I'd just had a mastectomy and seen the sexts about her boobs that she'd written during my recovery); my husband told me to take his phone with me that day. Sure enough, 9am she phoned him. I told her that I had copies of their sexts and that if she contacted any member of my family again I'd show them to her husband, her manager and her mother.
We've not heard anything from her since.
She's had another lover and moved on to the next man. I've heard she's getting a divorce.
So, if you don't feel comfortable in informing the husband, don't, I didn't.
In the long run, the truth always outs anyway. Don't feel that you have to compromise yourself for anyone else.
Look after yourself now, first and foremost, anyone else definitely plays second fiddle to your tune x

Amammi · 29/10/2018 19:27

So sorry this is happening to you. You have had some solid advice in relation to legal arrangements and money matters.
Once you get some rest please visit your doctor and get checked.
Your GP may also also be able to recommend counseling which might help you to deal with your emotions. It is often more help than a friend who may be pals with you both or find it hard to give you the support you need at this time.

Anasnake · 29/10/2018 19:28

Read 'The Script' op and be prepared for all the cliched bollocks. 'Just sex', fuck that.

Jen150 · 29/10/2018 19:30

Tell the other husband.. she knew he was married and by keeping quiet about it she is getting away scot free. Your husband and his bit on the side both need to be honest and take the repercussions of their actions.

Anasnake · 29/10/2018 19:36

Agree with Jen, they both need to face the consequences, you owe them nothing.

sadkoala · 29/10/2018 19:40

I think she also needs to face the consequences of what she has done. But then I am in the "if someone knew my DP was cheating I wish they'd tell me" camp.

So your husband thinks saying it's "just sex" makes it all ok? I hope he gets his ass handed to him.

Hope your ok op FlowersCakeBrewWineGin for you (don't know if your into wine gin or tea so have them all)

Original poster
Woodandsky · 29/10/2018 19:52

I’m not ok really, but I feel a little less alone for your support.
Thank you

OP posts:
Tortoisecharlie · 29/10/2018 20:10

The minimizing is hurtful. Although he probably feels he’s doing it out of partial care for you ‘the less you know’ etc. there’s a really weird frame of mind that people having affairs and lying get into - delusion! Thinking that it’s okay because of.., whatever it is as long as they don’t have to face themselves.

Now you’ve found out it’s like a harsh bright mirror in his face. He can’t look at himself. He won’t admit to what’s actually in the mirror. A selfish liar who’s hurt the women he lived with for 25 years.

He’s not thinking of you yet. He hasn’t respected you for a long time and that’s a shock for you I know.

I would copy the emails but don’t decide anything yet. My ex sexted many women. I didn’t have the texts but I had the phone bills. We weren’t married, so it wasn’t for a divorce - but I hung on to one single phone bill with the evidence. Ex deleted everything and shredded the bills. Deleted his social media.

I’m really glad I held on to one bill. It was as if he’d deleted that he’d ever cheated on me. I would never use it, but after being gaslighted for so long, it can be good psychologicaly to keep the reality if your husband might do the same.

Then I’d get counseling later. It’s such a shock.

P.s. even though I hate the word slag I think if a woman has knowingly had sex with your husband she’s as much to blame and it’s an aggressive, damaging hurtful act directly to the victim - and there is a victim. I have absolutely no sympathy at all for a woman or man who does this. They are horrible. I’d drop them if they were a friend.

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