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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out husband of 25 years is having an affair

285 replies

Woodandsky · 29/10/2018 12:00

Title says it all really, accidentally logged into his emails as my he was signed in to gmail on my laptop and there was a slightly over-familiar message from someone he knows (shared hobby) so I clicked on it. It was suspicious but not clear so I went back and read the later messages and they were very explicit, there's no doubt here.

Not really looking for sympathy but concrete advice about what to do, are there things I should do now before I tell him I know? We work together (me part-time) and have 2 sons in their late teens, other woman is married in similar circumstances, I didn't see any sign of them planning to run off together anytime soon.

He's my best friend and my only serious boyfriend, I don't have anyone in real life I feel I can talk to.

OP posts:
KitKat1985 · 29/10/2018 20:17

Not much more to add OP, but just wanted to send you some Flowers and say I'm thinking if you.

Minionmomma · 29/10/2018 20:26

Cannot imagine what you’re going through right now. You must be in shock. You sound so selfless, placing your sons’ welfare at the centre of your decision making. That says so much about your character. I’m so sorry your husband has taken you and your boys for granted. For ‘just sex’. I don’t you wish you didn’t know but personally I think that knowledge is power. They’ve been living double lives, the selfish thoughtless imbeciles. Wonder if the ‘just sex’ will have been worth it now their sordid secret is out. Her poor DH. Please tell him. Or at least tell her that she needs to tell him. Sending huge hugs to you. Xx

betweenhillsandsea · 29/10/2018 20:26

I don't know how old you are, but thinking ahead, do you want to spend the next 25 years with him, knowing what you know...

LemonTT · 29/10/2018 20:30

I think you are doing all the right things, take your time and avoid unnecessary drama. It doesn't always help and I think if you are not the type of person to get anything out of it.

You don't know if you want to leave or stay with your husband yet. There's no rule or obligation that you need to and plenty of couples recover from an affair. Therefore keeping your own counsel means you won't have extra protagonists running about like loose cannons.

For example if you tell the husband he may kick her out so you would an OW on the loose potentially interfering with your reconciliation. Will the fall out of any revelation be worth it in terms of the impact on your boys. They will still love their father and you.

You have a new reality and you need to get used to it. Decide what you want and then let him know if he is part of it. He will need to prove his commitment and fidelity if he wants to stay with you but on your terms.

The Divorce laywers aren't going anywhere and you control the money.

Change the sheets or order a new bed. I might prefer the spare room if it was substantial enough.

If you have a level headed and discreet friend or acquaintance then perhaps confide in him or her. Otherwise maybe book a therapy session to get it all out.

MaryJenson · 29/10/2018 20:42

I don't know how old you are, but thinking ahead, do you want to spend the next 25 years with him, knowing what you know...

This is an interesting question.
When I was in your situation I asked myself this and the answer was a resounding yes.

yetmorecrap · 29/10/2018 20:47

It’s not ‘just sex’ though when they were making plans and that would stick in my head to be honest. I feel for you OP hugely, I had about a week of very uncomfortable evenings over a Xmas when he told me ‘it was just a crush and I went a bit far’ after finding poems/songs all about someone else and pretty longing, horrible, and the issue is they kind of stick in your brain, you will probably have the same issue because of emails. At least what I saw was only one sided slush from him. You must decide what’s best for you, no need to rush if it’s over, to be honest I thinK the vindictive side of me would want her H to know, but not sure if it actually solves anything. I stayed even though I was devastated , he was very upset he had caused me the upset and I don’t think would do anything like it again, but you do have to be prepared if you stay to not necessarily feel quite the same ever again. I changed my situation, became far less co dependent, made the effort to get new friends even in my 50s and I no longer put him first above me to be honest. He has many very good qualities but I feel lost the plot for a period and hence lost the right to always come first in my head

Inertia · 29/10/2018 20:48

So he’s decided he wants you to stay together?

That’s no longer a decision he gets to make.

Mrstobe90 · 29/10/2018 20:49

I'm sorry that he's put you through this.
I personally would tell the husband but you have to decide what is right for you.

Take your time to think about the future of your marriage and if you can forgive him. Your relationship may be better than ever at first (look up 'hysterical bonding') but after a while, the anger and resentment will surely surface.
Look after yourself and don't make any promises to him or yourself. Xxx

Anasnake · 29/10/2018 21:09

Make it quite clear to him that what happens next is your decision, not his. He's lost the right to call the shots.

MaryJenson · 29/10/2018 21:13

Actually Inertia, he does get a say in this.

He can express what he wants as can WoodandSky

bethy15 · 29/10/2018 21:52

*Bethy15

Are you for real!!!!
Yes her anger and disappointment was directed at her husband and the 'slag' that she so wishes and is within her rights to call her.
Get over yourself*

Yes, I am, thanks.

I just understand that society has taught us and brainwashed us into this belief, that when a husband or partner who has made a commitment and broken it, women always blame and insult the other woman, when really the man has manipulated her as much as he has his wife.

And when women attack each other like that and call them slags and insult their looks, their hair and their nose and their height, women have actually lost, because it's deflected the bile and attack away from the man who has caused the extreme hurt and suffering.

From that poster, she is constantly insulting the woman, yet going away on a romantic holiday with her husband, yet it's the man who actually hurt her as he had the commitment to her.

BackToTheFuschia7 · 29/10/2018 21:55

Well said bethy

Op, take your time and don’t feel pressured to make any decisions immediately. He’s had months to wrap his head around what he has been doing, you’ve had a few hours.

Original poster
Woodandsky · 29/10/2018 21:59

I’m 45, he is older. I would do anything not to hurt my boys, but I don’t know if I can do this (stay with him).

OP posts:
Calzone · 29/10/2018 22:01

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

Can you ask him to stay somewhere else tonight and give you some space......

Original poster
Woodandsky · 29/10/2018 22:02

He offered but then I would have to explain to our son. I am out at the moment (on my own) but I’ll have to home soon as the coffee shop is closing.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/10/2018 22:03

"Just sex", hmm? And this when he'd been making "really detailed plans to be with her" Hmm

Whether or not that was some kind of fantasy the betrayal is huge, and now of course his main concern will be to smooth things over while he looks at his options

As I've said you don't need to make instant decisions, but you'd still be wise to get legal advice on your position ... and since he knows now, I'd personally be telling him I was doing that

wasnotwasweregood · 29/10/2018 22:07

OP I'm so sorry to hear this, sending a handhold to you.
It's sounds as though you have a firm grasp of the practicalities already, but you don't have to make any decisions. Right now your biggest commitment is to yourself while you process a massive shock. Eat when you can, don't forget to drink and check in with yourself 'what's the kindest thing I can do for myself right now?'.
I know you don't want to confide in anyone in real right now and I understand why - but do consider if there's anyone who you can think of talking to. You need a hug.

Original poster
Woodandsky · 29/10/2018 22:08

Do you know I’ve read these sort of posts so many times on here it becomes almost entertainment.

I never dreamed I would be posting one myself but the support from you total strangers has kept me going today, thank you all so much you have no idea how much it’s helped me.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 29/10/2018 22:10

It's good to have an outlet before you tell the world. Take care.

MrsWireman · 29/10/2018 22:11

I'm so so sorry you are going through this. You will find the strength to get through it. One day at a time 

RyderWhiteSwan · 29/10/2018 22:16

So he said it was 'just sex' but they were - via email- making detailed plans to be together? How naive does he think you are? Also does he think that 'just sex' with someone else for months makes it ok?

redastherose · 29/10/2018 22:21

OP, having been where you are I would say that trying to keep it hidden from family and friends is the worst thing you can do. You are entitled to tell him to fuck off and leave you alone to come to terms with what he's done. You don't have to tell your son what it is but just that his Dads done something that has really upset you and you are having a bit of time apart so that you can think.

I kept it quiet to protect my kids and it basically made my ex think that he'd got away with it. He suffered no inconvenience or repercussions from his betrayal and quite quickly was telling me that I had to forget about it and minimising for all he was worth. There was lots of it didn't mean anything but it wasn't long before he was saying it was my fault and he wouldn't have done it if I'd put more time into making him happy.

The only way to get past this sort of thing is for him to realise exactly what he has done, and for him to be truly sorry for his behaviour and for you to want to rebuild the relationship. That can only happen with complete openness and honesty going forward and that means giving you the time you need to make a decision without pressure.

willyloman · 29/10/2018 22:21

Don't tell him you know, just become really erratic at making plans/keeping to schedule etc. Mess him around as much as he's been messing you around. Hire Fatal Attraction and make him watch it together, Play Misty for Me is a good one too; maybe he'll get the message and fess up.

willyloman · 29/10/2018 22:23

So sorry, skipped ahead and missed the bit where you told him you know. Would still hire those movies...

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/10/2018 22:24

I never dreamed I would be posting one myself

None of us ever do until it happens - some of us even believe our DH would be the very last to do this, which does nothing to help the shock

I absolutely get your determination not to hurt the boys, but when making your decision perhaps bear in mind there are worse things than a split, and one of them is living in a difficult, mistrustful atmosphere

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