Just found out husband of 25 years is having an affair

[Woodandsky]

Title says it all really, accidentally logged into his emails as my he was signed in to gmail on my laptop and there was a slightly over-familiar message from someone he knows (shared hobby) so I clicked on it. It was suspicious but not clear so I went back and read the later messages and they were very explicit, there's no doubt here.

Not really looking for sympathy but concrete advice about what to do, are there things I should do now before I tell him I know? We work together (me part-time) and have 2 sons in their late teens, other woman is married in similar circumstances, I didn't see any sign of them planning to run off together anytime soon.

He's my best friend and my only serious boyfriend, I don't have anyone in real life I feel I can talk to.

Finances are the last thing, once someone has decided their marriage is over

As thousands of women who have been screwed over financially in a divorce by men claiming they earn nothing and hiding assets and withholding CM payments will tell you, this sort of stuff is REALLY important to sort out.

FrancesDestroyed - just read your story and just wow.
You sound so strong but it must have been so difficult for you.
I wish you the best for the future

Excellent, realistic advice QueenoftheNights

As a point of fact, you DO need his 'consent' to divorce him for adultery. Any number of emails isn't proof enough, he has to admit it or you need to find a witness to the act (which is PIV sex) - unlikely.

No decent solicitor will advise you to divorce for adultery for this reason. It puts him in control for no gain.

And definitely bad advice to name a third party. Absolutely nothing to gain.

FrancesDestroyed, I'm really sorry for what you went through (both the cancer and the cheating) but you really shouldn't lie the blame solely at the feet of the other woman. Using misogynistic terms for her isn't brilliant.

And he didn't like cheating? But he did for a considerable time period.

The blame mainly belongs with your husband I'm afraid - however difficult that may be to swallow. He was the one who married and professed love to you - and he was the one who broke your vows. Not her.

OP - you will be in shock. Please print off the messages and get details of the finances. Its a shame you don't have anyone in real life to lean on, Because you may need it. Processing an affair can take a lot of time, anger and hurt. The decision to stay or leave the marriage doesn't need to be made immediately, but I wouldn't rush into either decision. This may be an end or you may feel you can forgive, and everything that entails.

For now, prepare like you would for the end of the marriage, and then at least you have the security of having all the documents you need.

Some people may recommend finding a lawyer ( they also advise about free consultations but I don't know any that offer it). What I would say is get the advice on where you stand, even if you don't decide to proceed immediately.

Best of luck - it is immensely painful, but you'll get through it.

I'm extremely sorry, Woodandsky - I was 32 years in when it happened to me, so maybe I can understand how you feel a little

You've had excellent advice so far, but above all else I'll repeat the vastly important tell him nothing until you've seen a solicitor to get some idea how you'll stand. It won't be easy to hide how you're feeling so maybe say you're feeling ill/got a horrible bug to cover?

Also remember you don't have to decide anything in a rush, but I think you'll find independent legal advice will give you a lot of clarity and help you see your way forward from this horrible situation

Sorry to hear this Woodandsky.

The reason that posters are suggesting that the OP takes copies of financial documents and forwards on all emails to a brand new account that he doesn't know about is not to get that sorted first- it's to secure evidence of earnings, investments etc so that he can't lie about it at a later date, and to keep proof of adultery so that OP can divorce on grounds of adultery if she wishes.

If you control the bank accounts you are in a better position than some women,who find themselves in the same shoes but with no independent access to money. It would be worth you opening a bank account of your own so that you can keep some money he can't access, and then speak to a solicitor about how you can legally secure joint money.

Make sure you keep the emails as evidence.

If you are able to not say anything to him while you sort your situation out, I would do that.

SoxonFeet Do you not think that FrancesDestroyed knows her DH is to blame?
Have some compassion. Hatred for the OW is a normal, natural human reaction.

Putting to one side the emotions, please do be aware that there is a lot of bad advice on this thread regarding the financial aspect of things.

If you do decide you want to end the marriage, the financial settlement will not be influenced by the fact that he may have committed adultery. It's irrelevant and the Court won't care.

Certainly it would be sensible to see a solicitor, but the starting point of a financial settlement is one of fairness and 50:50 is the usual starting point. Be aware, too, that if you can't agree things between yourselves, then you can very quickly run up tens of thousands of pounds in legal fees, which will ultimately reduce the value of the pool of assets you have to share with your husband.

I'm sorry you are in this position, but please don't make the mistake that many people do, and think that you can 'take him to the cleaners' if, in fact, the most likely outcome will be that you simply divide the assets fairly and move on.

If you re-read my post soxonfeet you'll see that I call my husband's behaviour that of a slag too, because it was. He was horrible. So is she. It was out of character for him, it isn't for her.
I blame them both, but she hadn't made any vows of love and fidelity to me, he had.
I was writing about my experience because everyone rolls out the old chestnut,
"Don't compare yourself to the OW. "
Believe you me, you do.
I wanted to show the op that the OW is something she'll never be; a cheap slag who has affairs with married men. The fact that the OW in my story was so awful is interesting. There has been quite a bit of research done into why middle aged men cheat on their beautiful, highly achieving wife for something that just doesn't compare. The answer tends to be that they need someone to prop up their flagging ego, who doesn't challenge them in any way or outshine them. That s why they pick up these types of women. Even now, I think more of myself than to need to go secretly sexting some married bloke and meeting him in car parks for a sleazy whatever. The op is of a similar ilk.
Keep your head high and your dignity intact op. I really feel for you, I've stood in your shoes

Don’t tell him you know, get evidence and get legal advice. Then you know your position and you can begin divorce proceedings. But from what I have seen recently it is much better to be prepared with evidence and prepared financially eg screenshots of account balances so he can’t just move all his money where you can’t access it.

This is all his fault, not yours

You need real life support. Work out who is your most level headed friend and ask to meet up. I suspect you have a lot of joint friends but there will be someone that will want to support you.

No decisions need to be made yet. Which consumer magazine sell a book about splitting up/divorce which it might be worth ordering - a solicitor will be able to outline it to you but you are in shock and will be for a while and I find it's difficult to retain information when I'm stressed.

Most of all be kind to yourself x

Oh OP, how devastating!! Whatever you decide to do next, be kind to yourself

Also, remember to delete the emails you forward to yourself and also screenshot them. Don't give him an inkling that you know until you're ready to confront it. Sometimes reacting to something can make the situation irrational. Take time to decide what YOU want to do, how you want to take this forward and then make your decision.

My heart goes out to you OP xx

Keep your cards close to your chest OP. As soon as you talk, he will start putting his guard up. Go see a solicitor and screw him for all he is worth. Then start again with a nice little place of your own.
FrancesDestroyed your continued use of the word slag to refer to OW does you no favours. The man you are STILL WITH opted to shag said slag so, seriously love, what does that say about you? 🤔

FrancesDestroyed Your misogynistic slurs towards the OW are gross. Your H betrayed you, try squaring the blame at his feet instead of some random woman.

Just echoing PPs....

Do not speak to him. Seek advice first.
It's tempting to confront and lose it with him because he has betrayed you and that sure does hurt. But protect yourself and make plans. You can do it OP.

I'm truly sorry to hear this though, can't imagine how devastated you are. This is not your fault, there is no excuse for cheating. If he was/is unhappy he could have left. Doing this (IMO) shows a complete lack of respect or thought for you. Stay strong

*croprotationinthe13thcentury
I'm crying now.
Thank you.

BackToTheFuschia7
Yes, sobbing now.
Thank you.

FrancesDestroyed - take no notice of those vile comments. I see where you are coming from. You are entitled to feel how you feel. end off

@QueenoftheNights

I never posted “right, let’s get the money sorted....”

Have you been drinking ?

Ow who know affair partners are married with a family are SLAGS

@Bitoutofpractice

Yes there may be women who have been 'screwed over' by men, financially, but seeing a solicitor sooner rather than slightly later would not have made a jot of difference if those men decided to be dishonest or didn't pay up. Nor would the number of affairs.

Solicitors advise- they aren't HMRC who can demand to see bank accounts and pension pots

The default setting for divorces -as someone else has posted- is 50-50 depending on earnings and potential for earnings. Selling of the home and dividing the assets is the last step- not one that happens the moment you seek legal advice. All a solicitor will tell you is the grounds for divorce- which is easily available online. Adultery, unreasonable behaviour or 2 years living apart ( and 5 if one party won't agree to a divorce.)

There is always the possibility that a woman may have to pay a man if she earns more than he does and has the potential to earn more. In those cases, the split might be 60-40 in HIS favour.

In a long marriage where they children are almost grown up ( 18 and older) the split would be 50-50 usually, with maintenance for the children till they reached 18.

@poppyinagreenfield.

Yes, I'm smashed.

But have you heard of 'inference'? You don't have to spell something out in order to suggest it.

wow this is horrible. Im so sorry i dont know what i would do tbh can you imagine being without him? is this a deal breaker for you?