Just found out husband of 25 years is having an affair

[Woodandsky]

Title says it all really, accidentally logged into his emails as my he was signed in to gmail on my laptop and there was a slightly over-familiar message from someone he knows (shared hobby) so I clicked on it. It was suspicious but not clear so I went back and read the later messages and they were very explicit, there's no doubt here.

Not really looking for sympathy but concrete advice about what to do, are there things I should do now before I tell him I know? We work together (me part-time) and have 2 sons in their late teens, other woman is married in similar circumstances, I didn't see any sign of them planning to run off together anytime soon.

He's my best friend and my only serious boyfriend, I don't have anyone in real life I feel I can talk to.

LTB.
Take him for all he's worth.
Divorce him for Adultery.
Go see a solicitor.
Copy everything.

Do not talk to him.

Nailed it, that's about the full level of support on here.

Don't speak to him until you have copies of all financial documents, have seen a solicitor to find out where you would stand in a divorce, and make sure you forward copies of all the emails to yourself - not just a selection.
I suspect that if you want to divorce, you will be advised to do so on grounds of unreasonable behaviour rather than adultery, but your husband doesn't need to know that and may well agree to a better settlement in order to protect the OW and stop her husband finding out. I'm so sorry, I've been there and its horrible. But it does get better, honestly

Thanks for the sensitive replies, I think I’ll head off now and try to sort my life out, whatever’s left of it

Print two copies. Store 1 set somewhere safe- preferably away from home. Hand him the other copy. Say I know everything so don’t lie to me. Then walk away. Let him process everything.

In the meantime think about what’s best for you. Teenagers going through divorce don’t tend to go off the rails. There is a way of splitting that can be amicable. But it has to be what you want.

Frances.... I don't mean to upset you but seriously.... You need to sort your head out... Just because she's not as beautiful, intelligent, classy, tall, thin does not mean she's not as good as you. Yes her behaviour is far far from ideal but you are so scathing about her looks and lifestyle that is beyond normal... for you.

Frances, I get totally how you feel , I feel exactly as you do and still married. Whilst I reserve most of the anger for Hs behaviour, like you I am like Frances, fully entitled to find My very rare inner bitch for those women whose moral compass hasn’t quite reached the levels of not getting involved with married guys and in my case their employer (21 year old ) . Like Frances I too am intelligent, kind and not bad looking and was extremely trusting. I also have sympathy OP as I too work with H and have done for many years, so basically what was his life totally became mine too. Like you I hold the purse strings, always useful. In my case it was a long gone relationship when I found out, so it’s a bit different , but still awful, if like you I had found out at the time this would be my response. As others said, see a lawyer before confronting , keep it under your hat, knowledge is power! Make sure as others said you know the financials and have all your vital things safe to hand, passports, birth certs etc. It seems a bit dramatic but when cornered it’s quite an eye opener how things can play out, nastiness come out etc because they suddenly realise it’s not just’a bit Of fun’ . At that point confront and ask him what he wants to do. He may say he wants to split anyway, if so, let him go, don’t make a fuss, stay out and stay as strong as you can, be good with your boys. There is no point trying to make someone stay if there heart isn’t in it. If he is full of remorse and sorry And doesn’t want to split, tell him you don’t want to make any decisions at the moment and the boys need the support, see a counsellor individually to get it off your chest and then see how it plays out with the OW and how you feel too. In that case there is no rush. You can always divorce on unreasonable behaviour anyway. A big hug from me, it’s hard to keep Schtum, I managed 6 weeks and then exploded!! Make sure you eat even if it’s toast and bananas and focus on your lads

Absolutely agree with everyone who says to find out as much information as possible about your financial and legal position. You can guarantee your husband will do precisely that if he gets wind of a possible divorce. It doesn’t mean that the divorce is more likely but just that you feel in a stronger position when deciding whether or not to continue in the relationship. Betrayal in a relationship is horrific enough without having fears around what financial position you will be in going forward.

And I hate it when women call other women slags. It’s never equivalent to calling a man a slag. The inference of women having a greater need to protect their honour in that word is just not the same for men.

Op.

Op can you go to citizen advice or family law clinic and get free advice as to how to sort things out to protect ur own back ?

It’s free so you wouldn’t need to make things obvious

Also your gonna need support in real life, if you feel the need to be talking to someone but feel you can’t trust someone to support you as they should because they’ll be biased since your husband is their friend too.. then consider counseling.

Don’t make any decision about staying with him and forgiving him before you process your feelings first and for many, counselling helps us value ourselves

I think Frances was making the point that these affairs can happen regardless of looks or status and not always with people who have more to offer in terms of looks or status. It’s very often I feel just the buzz/ego boost for many and could be anyone but ‘you’ for the novelty/ buzz. Certainly does change how you feel though. I do think some of you clearly haven’t ever been in this position though or if you have must be a nicer person than me because I wished some real nasty crap/karma on girl involved.

I have zero time for women who knowingly sleep with married men. Chicks before dicks and all that.

I wouldn't talk to any of your friends, tbh. There's been multiple threads on here about people telling their friends 'secrets' to their husbands. I just couldn't trust anyone in that situation.

@QueenoftheNights I do realise that re 50:50 split. That's exactly what happened in my divorce so yeah, I know.

And fwiw I haven't suggested seeing a solicitor do you might need to address your comments to others who have.

What I do suggest is the op has evidence of the true financial situation so that she can ensure that the 50% she might get is a real 50% and not 50% of the pittance that her DH tries to declare.

I don't blame you forgot wanting to tell anyone.

I had an uncle who's wife had an affair with one of his friends from church. My uncle told everyone about it as soon as he discovered it. Everyone. He was extremely upset and must have been in shock. His older relatives just didn't know how to respond to him as they had never came up against anything like it before.

Anyway after a short while his wife called him from a resort town's hotel, crying and begging him to come and get her. He did and they got back together but because he told everyone what she did they had to change churches etc.

The wife hides from people now, rarely goes out. People say when they go to visit they hear her dashing upstairs and she doesn't come down.

She is a nice woman and the shame of everyone knowing what she did must be overwhelming for her.

I wouldn’t go to a solicitor unless / until you have decided you want to separate / divorce. There is plenty of info on line (& on here) about grounds for divorce, likely financial split etc. What more can a solicitor advise at this stage? Do get all the information together though about finances including pensions and policies - as if you do separate you want a fair settlement which takes into account your circumstances and that of your children. Then decide what you want to happen next. If you decide to put off confronting him for any reason then I would be inclined to start making small regular withdrawals of cash for ‘day to day emergencies’ and put that aside somewhere (hidden) in case things get difficult (but then I’m a sneaky so & so once my rage has subsided and have seen too many friends totally shafted by their exes....) 💐

Some of the comments to FrancesDestroyed are so very nasty.

There was a time women were allowed to vent their anger using any words they wished if they deserved the right to. As far as FrancesDestroyed is concerned the woman is a slag. She sounds like a nasty slag to me as well.

This political correctness which many women are trying to force on each other is stifling/oppressive. It is disgusts me that women don't want women who act like slags being described as slags. Instead they are demanding the good decent women who have been badly hurt to become mealy-mouthed, oppressed and certainly not entitled to voice their opinion.

What happened to, 'I am woman, hear me roar'?

Why to go women! (Sarcasm).

I would probably use my phone to photograph the evidence. Then sit back and work out what I was going to do and what I wanted before opening up this with the other party.

Don’t knee jerk into a reaction

Sorry this is happening

Men are such utter, utter idiots. I really sorry, OP. What a total dick.

I don't know what to suggest as it's such an important time for your kids. I think staying together in silence might be incredibly hard for you - how could you hold that all inside?

I'd love you to dump him without ever revealing you knew he was cheating. Just make out that he's such a terrible husband, lover and person that you can't bear to be with him for a minute longer. Make him doubt himself. Make him feel really bad and hurt and insecure. Not let him feel you're heartbroken, or that he had two women wanting to be with him, but that actually he was unlovable and dull.

But I realise that'd be really complicated to actually do!

Op you poor thing, I don't have any advice as I stayed, but I do know what it feels like to have your guts twist in your stomach and your heart beat out of your chest when you see the evidence, it really is like getting hit with something into the head.

I stayed, I have 2 small kids and despite it I loved him. I hope you will be ok xx

Poor you. I would copy everything. Literally everything. And do my utmost to keep cool until the point it best suited to me to reveal I knew anything.

Please remember that you are not responsible for any impact on your children from this, he is and only him. Huge hugs, I have been there and it is horrendous so I really feel for you.

FrancesDestroyed I feel for you as I would any woman or man in this position but I think the way you are so starkly dissing the other woman is both misguided and wrong.

It's wrong as it's so misogynistic ('slag' is just gross), and lets face it we have enough men to do that for us without us joining in, and it's misguided as it sounds like you are using your view of her to somehow ease your very legitimate pain at your own husbands affair. I've seen many women do this but it's a false economy. Your pain and your anger are legitimate; to mitigate them on a premise of it somehow being 'the slags fault' does you a disservice and won't help you in the long run.

Your own husband had a long running affair with another woman and labelling her does not detract from that betrayal, that betrayal having prices that do need to be worked though if you are choosing to stay with him. If she is a slag, then what does that make him and what does that by association make you? You see my point surely. I'm so sorry your husband did that to you but please don't mitigate his behaviour by engaging in cheap misogynistic shots. I'm sure you are worth all you say are, so its best for you that you act like that too. [flower]

I can’t even begin to imagine how your feeling. I know if it was me I would find it very difficult not to lose the plot and confront him. I have trust issues and if he had an affair it would be the end for us. You take care and whatever you decide,stay strong and remember his choices are not your fault and do not let him blame your for this.

Ugh. Women who knowingly have affairs with married men are generally slags. As are the married men.
You have to be a special kind of nasty to knowingly get involved with someone who has a whole other family ffs.

I’m so very sorry OP. This must be so painful and hurtful. Twenty five years is a whole life with your husband, it’s a betrayal of that life. This is his doing and not yours. Any fall out is his fault.

Please do gather all documents and see a solicitor. Whether you act on that is another matter. At least you’ll be prepared if divorce is in the cards.

Holding this in long term would not be good for your health- both physical and mental health. You’ll likely need to confront him but would be much better in a controlled manner than exploding when the hurt and pain becomes too much, especially as you know they’re planning a liaison this week. Keeping quiet when you know exactly when they plan on carrying out their nefarious activity this week would be so painful.

Other people have recommended counselling and this is a good suggestion because this betrayal, no matter what happens, will shake you to your core. Someone impartial to listen to you and help you work through your anger, grief and betrayal would be oh so useful.

I’m so very sorry you’re having to go through this. Please know there are so many here to listen to you vent and help you.

She was a nothing. Younger than me, but really nothing, just a slag. His behaviour was so out of character, he didn't like becoming a slag, which he did. She's been through 2 partners since my H, and left her new husband too, (she was sexting my H whilst she was on honeymoon).
So, see a solicitor, get the evidence stored in a few different safe places as well as financial information , before you confront him. If you have a joint bank account, keep your eye on it online and if money starts to be withdrawn, freeze it. You can do this on your own, but you can't cap withdrawals without joint agreement.
A decision to do nothing immediately is a decision in itself. He's known what's going on for months, you've only just found out.
I stayed with my H, we've just had a romantic weekend away. He's very sorry. He admits that he was awful, she was awful and he was having a midlife crisis.
Will I ever trust him the same again? No.
Will I ever love him so wholly again? No.
Will I keep putting myself last again? No.
For me it's still early days. I still have angry days and still wonder if I'll stay in the marriage in the long term.
The text books all say don't compare yourself to the OW, but I'm afraid you will.
His OW was in her late 20s, short, stocky, broken nosed, not educated, and just the local slag.
I'm 5ft 8, my long blonde hair has grown back beautifully after my breast cancer, I'm a size 8 , well educated and have got back to being at the top of my professional tree after my illness.
What I'm not is a cheap slag, and I never will be.
Neither will you.
This will be an awful chapter of your life. You will get through it.
I don't believe the claptrap that marriages can be stronger after affairs. Mine certainly isn't. But we are still together and do have some happy times.

Honestly, you have a lot of anger, and it's all directed at a woman who you don't really know and you don't know what your husband spun her with. You haven't directed any of the bile towards him, who owed you a lot more, he made the commitment to you, not her.
Are you seeing a therapist or anything? Because you have a lot of anger, clearly, and most of it is not directed towards HIM.

I’ve told him I know, he emailed me asking how my day was going, that really got to me so I told him it was basically the worst day of my life. He came home from work early (I don’t work Mondays), its apparently been going on for 4 months and it’s ‘just’ sex, he loves me and wants us to stay together - I believe that he does but I don’t know what I want. I’m just completely lost. Money-wise he hasn’t got the least idea how to transfer cash etc so I’m not worried about that at the moment.