Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

[Kitten76]

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

GM is around and as you say, 18 is old enough to look after himseld so no I won't go to SS. That's likely to cause more unecessary problems.

Good grief, I wander away for a few days and you've only gone and done it! Hi kitten, de-lurking to wish you the life you really deserve after all that crap. Congratulations, you are clearly a strong and compassionate woman. Good luck.

Hang in there, Kitten! He'll never, ever believe he's a twat. Remember, he's been married twice before. There's a reason those marriages broke up including the one with two kids. He's an entitled arse enabled by his mother. Take all you can that you paid for.

Op fair enough.
You sound remarkably strong and balanced. Enjoy your freedom!

Thank you!
Yes finally feeling stronger. His DM actually wrote me a lovely letter yesterday. I think deep down she knows it's not been easy for me.
He is a twat and he has lost me.
Feeling strong and ready to take on the world!

communication is the key with the intention to achieve a compromise

This is what most emotionally healthy people assume and it's only after a while that they realise the purpose of communication for abusive people is to manipulate and control.

His statement on the furniture is a classic example, he needs your stuff and no doubt much easier for him but he twists it so that you feel it is for your benefit.
After a period of time with someone like this "normal" becomes so skewed that you can no longer see the behaviour.
I also believe woman are targetted by these abusers as they look for someone who is kind and unselfish, often you are fed a sad story and if you react with empathy they know they can hook you in.

As a previous poster said at the heart of this is the deep belief that a woman should service their needs...when they don't the men feel angry and truly believe they have been victimised..I can imagine the story he will tell the next woman "I was working so hard and she just left, no notice, my sons couldn't understand it..she even made me pay for her futniture and she cost me so much money as I let her live there rent free"

It is pity we can't name & shame these men!

Oh my god @lifebegins50 you're so right. That's what he'll do!
When I first met him he said his ex just 'ghosted' him one day...she obviously saw sense before I did!

It does sound like she left him in just the same way you've done. He really should start asking himself some serious questions as to why you've both done this. But I expect he'll keep telling himself that you're both unreasonable.

When I first met him he said his ex just 'ghosted' him one day...she obviously saw sense before I did!

Totally unsurprising. He thinks women are here to enable him to do as he likes.

The boys want to keep in touch with you because they respect you, they can see that you're a decent person who has work to be fair and to do the right thing.
You have been a positive role model for them, even though their father hasn't treated you well you were able to put that aside and behave in a rational moral way.

OP- Well done! Glad you’ve found a old e, job sorted, told the boys and they want to keep in touch and how surprising but lovely about DP’s DM. I do agree with PP about your furniture. If you can sell it ASAP, much better unless DP transfers you funds NOW to purchase them. Otherwise I do agree with PP, in all likelihood you’ll never see any £ for your furniture.

Best of luck with the move. Don’t forget post forwarding and cancelling bills you’ve been paying on his behalf for his home.

Will be toasting to your success come Saturday night.

In response to "communication is the key with the intention to achieve a compromise", lifebegins50 wrote:

"This is what most emotionally healthy people assume and it's only after a while that they realise the purpose of communication for abusive people is to manipulate and control."

Brilliantly put. This is why it is so important to be able to spot an abuser, so that you can pick up on the cross-purposes ASAP. And most of us (me included) are crap at spotting abusers. We give people IRL the benefit of the doubt, cut them some slack, don't jump to conclusions (can you hear the whine creeping into my voice?); we can be that frog being slowly boiled.

This is where Mumsnet is so brilliant. No matter the scenario you find yourself in, another MNer (or lots of us) will have experienced something so similar they know exactly what is going on and the best way to extricate yourself. They're not emotionally involved, they CAN see the wood not the trees. And they will have the words that reach you, that make the scales fall from your eyes. ANd offer some virtual handholding ! Brilliant!

This is where Mumsnet is so brilliant
yes, MNers do very important work here!

Just caught up with this thread. Well done Kitten76!! So, so, so pleased you're getting out and moving onwards and upwards to better things. Brilliant news about your new job too

I agree with PP recommending you stay single for a while and learn to spot abusers/manipulators in the early stages before they're able to suck you in. Have a good read of MN, there are LOADS of threads describing the warning signs and red flags to beware of.

Enjoy your lovely new flat and fun, carefree life! You rock!!

which will be man free for a good while I can promise you!

Nah, you just need to avoid selfish piss-takers, not the entire gender.

for you Kitten76

Make sure you take all your furniture with you, don't be guilt tripped into leaving anything!
Him and his DM can sort his life out.
You are well shut of the selfish rat!

Absolutely hope you have a happy future because you deserve it.
Remember to put yourself first and treat yourself with kindness and agree with you about taking a break from men!

There's absolutely nothing better than being able to shut your own front door and having peace of mind and your own space .

Wow OP.. I'm so happy for you

I agree with the others.. please get your money before leaving any furniture...

Well done kitten

You've been a you should be really proud of yourself for getting out.

Well done lovely! 🌺

How are you doing OP .. all going well

How are you doing OP? Hope your move went OK

Hope you’re doing well op.

Was thinking of you, @Kitten76 and now I see others are too! hope you are ok.

Well done Kitten!!

Hey ladies,
Thought I'd update you.

Today I have moved all my stuff in to my new house.

The flat fell through so I had to be quick finding something else. Thankfully the perfect little place came up. It was meant to be.

I feel free and light. Excited for my new - man free - life!

x