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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner away with work - left to look after his children and dogs

988 replies

Kitten76 · 26/10/2018 10:54

I moved in with my partner 18 months ago and his two sons - now 18 and 15 and his two big dogs.

He was working normal hours in the area with a good job and salary/car etc.

But about 6 months ago he decided to hand in his notice and start working offshore as a freelancer. I didn't want him to do this as we haven't been together long and our life was great.

He did it anyway, regardless of me.

I am now working full-time whilst keeping the boys in line and looking after the dogs whilst he is away. It's a stress and I am suddenly a single parent for a big chunk of the year. I have no children of my own really get on with the boys etc - but I feel used and it's making me resent him.

I have spoken to him about this and he's said he will not give up his 'dream job'. He gets defensive if I challenge him.

If I move out I am back to expensive rents and a big upheaval, but I don't know what else to do. It's making me fall out of love with him.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 05/11/2018 18:43

those boys are not her problem ffs. They very likely do not love her. They probably want their dad back

tinytemper66 · 05/11/2018 18:53

She needs no compromise as they are nothing to do with her.

pinkyredrose · 05/11/2018 19:12

thismummy why on earth do you think the boys probably love her?!

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/11/2018 19:17

"No all the big stuff is there - but he has said he'll buy a lot off me. Which will make life easier for me. I can't believe he's offered that to be honest."
Oh, come on! He is a user. You will not see a penny from him. You know he's crap with money, why would you think he wouldn't weasel out of paying you?

Put your stuff in storage. If you'd prefer to get rid of stuff and want to sell it, do so - but sell it to someone who will actually pay! TBH I think I'd rather break my unwanted furniture up for firewood than have him raise my blood pressure with excuses as to why he still hasn't paid.

Remember your own words - "I can't believe he's offered that to be honest" - there's a reason you can't believe it. Because you KNOW he won't pay.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 05/11/2018 19:31

I get on really well with the boys.
I have spoken to the younger one tonight and he's gutted, but understands

OP posts:
KlutzyDraconequus · 05/11/2018 19:44

communication is the key with the intention to achieve a compromise.

You can only compromise with someone willing to compromise.
Ops dick head of a soon to be e has shown no sign of willingness and instead has told her he won't be giving up the job.

So he's fucked it, so this is all on him, not OP.

toherdoor · 05/11/2018 20:09

If just make sure he sent the money straight away, otherwise I'd take it.

Redshoeblueshoe · 05/11/2018 20:18

Stay strong Flowers

Shriek · 05/11/2018 20:38

Are you moving far Kitten I mean in terms of keeping a link with the boys, if you want to?/ you can say.. I'm only moving to the next town/a mile away/round the corner* *delete as appropriate. Doesn't mean the end for them and you,just their F
Clearly he thinks a lot of you and I can hear you have their best interests at heart,which their F absolutely does not.

I was nodding about the spread sheet situation ^, it really demonstrates well the situation with an abuser.

Original poster
Kitten76 · 05/11/2018 21:28

I'm moving about 20 minutes away, but he thinks I'm going to my mum's which is much further.
He doesn't know anything about the flat.
The youngest DS wants to keep in touch and I'm really happy about that.
Haven't seen the older DS yet to talk to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitten76 · 05/11/2018 21:29

It's weird because I never looked at this as abuse until I came on here.
But the more I read and understand, the more I see it clearly.

OP posts:
JuliaJaynes9 · 05/11/2018 21:31

I think it's great that you've managed to keep a good relationship with the youngest son and I hope you continue to get on well with the other one too 😊

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 05/11/2018 21:34

This is not about you. You are not a substitute mother. This is about him: what he wants from life, what dad he wants to be to his boys, what support he wants to give to his boys, what sacrifices he’s prepared to make for his boys and for any future partner.

So so glad you are out.

Shriek · 05/11/2018 21:49

It's good to keep it like that Kitten. They can think you are with your DM. Better their F doesn't know your actual address.
Your eyes are open, now you cannot not see!

senua · 05/11/2018 22:02

The youngest DS wants to keep in touch and I'm really happy about that.
Haven't seen the older DS yet to talk to him.
To those who know the Abuser's Handbook: how does this normally play out, will XP hex it?

change2019 · 05/11/2018 22:07

Well, it looks like it is time for you to leave the nanny camp and start enjoying your life again. The rent may be expensive for a flat, but you'll find one soon. Don't let costs discourage you from leaving this man. The signs of an ended relationship are loud and clear. Leave now with dignity and integrity.

Shriek · 05/11/2018 23:59

Regarding ex hex. Yeah he'll do his best surely, but it will be down to the DSs and the OP to work together independently of him,if they all want to.

SandyY2K · 06/11/2018 01:06

Well I'm so pleased for you. Well done.

dontalltalkatonce · 06/11/2018 11:57

'It's weird because I never looked at this as abuse until I came on here.
But the more I read and understand, the more I see it clearly.'

He targeted you. They always do. He's been married twice. There's a reason for that. He'll never see it. He truly thinks he's entitled to be facilitated in life by women. Please, please, work on your self-esteem and how to spot red flags before dating again.

JuliaJaynes9 · 06/11/2018 12:08

he's targeted you
He has an algorithm which sniffs out the woman best suited to serve his needs

cheesefield · 06/11/2018 21:33

How's it going OP?

Original poster
Kitten76 · 07/11/2018 06:01

Not too bad, thanks. It's been an emotional couple of days and I wish he'd take some responsibilty for this break-up.
But he won't, so I have to move on and start afresh.
I have a removals van booked for Saturday and a pile of boxes ready to go.
I am just so pleased the boys still want to keep in touch. It means a lot. I know that may not last as they grow and move on, but I will be there for them if they need me.
I am anxious, but also excited for the new chapter in my life - which will be man free for a good while I can promise you!

OP posts:
Laloup1 · 07/11/2018 06:19

Congrats on escaping the vortex!!
Are you thinking about contacting social services to alert them to the lack of parenting of the younger son?

Mix56 · 07/11/2018 07:04

if the oldest is 18, (adult) & the GM around, I don't think this is in anyone's interest.
There are many 18 year old girls who have babies & manage, albeit a brutal learning curve !

RyderWhiteSwan · 07/11/2018 07:16

I too don't think this is a SS issue.

So pleased the drudgery foisted on you is coming to an end, kitten!

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