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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 141 - fun and games

999 replies

Koko12 · 25/10/2018 19:05

Hope not stepping in anyone’s toes but thought I’d start the new thread as old one was full and I wanted to post!

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

OP posts:
MinnieMul7 · 16/11/2018 08:16

Apparently that is great advice from Wishy in respect of he maybe just wanted some time out. It is something that I often forget, especially this week. You can't force anything so enjoy the date and see what happens.

Apparentlyacatch · 16/11/2018 08:39

Great advice thanks everyone! Just going to go with the flow and see what happens!

HereIgoagainxx · 16/11/2018 08:45

Maybe,as well, he didn't want to bombard you with texts and appear needy Grin

Apparentlyacatch · 16/11/2018 08:54

I just found it a bit suspicious that he says he was so bored and had been in his room since 4 but then msged me at 9.30 so I replied and then I get that msg about an hour later with all that.

I sound like such a paranoid weirdo lol! I just need to chill - as you've all said he doesn't owe me anything.

MinnieMul7 · 16/11/2018 09:03

Apparently it is really hard to not overthink things - well I find it so difficult anyway. This thread helps to keep me sane even though I am in a relationship now with a guy I met on OLD.

wishywashy6 · 16/11/2018 09:11

@Apparentlyacatch i think it's just a case of you overthinking what he's said. Bored in a hotel room probably means he vegged out on the bed watching crap on tv/ fell asleep which he's perfectly entitled to do.
I really wouldn't read anything into it, enjoy the date and go with the flow ☺️

HereIgoagainxx · 16/11/2018 09:27

Apparently are you anxious attachment? Wink

DaffoDeffo · 16/11/2018 09:31
Grin

the messaging stuff is a mare, it's a theme of every thread we have!

DaffoDeffo · 16/11/2018 09:33

man who wanted to see me on sunday then disappeared has come back and yes, wants to see me on sunday. But is coming back from somewhere so not 100% sure of times so will confirm on the day. Those that know me from threads passim know how much I LOVE arrangements that aren't confirmed till the day . I am also coming back from somewhere on Sunday so this all has giant fuck up written all over it but as I am not doing dating at the moment, I feel remarkably chilled about it and if it happens it happens!

DaffoDeffo · 16/11/2018 09:41

he needs a name and I think I will have to call him MrDisappearing Grin

he is enormous fun though and when we chat it is utterly hysterical

Apparentlyacatch · 16/11/2018 10:06

hereigoagain what do you mean? Confused I am an anxious nelly haha! Always overthinking!!

TwiceMagic · 16/11/2018 10:09

I’m not keen on arrangements that aren’t confirmed til the day either. They’re shit. Glad you’re feeling so relaxed about it.

DaffoDeffo · 16/11/2018 10:19

twice they drive me utterly insane. But I have to take a step back with Mr Disappearing. And remind myself I'm not in any sort of relationship with him because, well, I'm not. And if he turns up and we have fun then we will have fun and if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. We're sort of squeezing it in as we're both doing something else for the first half of the day. He's a tricky one for me as he's one of those very rare men who I think is utterly gorgeous and I get on with. But I am not sure he feels the same way about me. He's far better looking than the men I normally go out with Grin so I'm definitely punching about my weight looks wise with him!

scotgal2017 · 16/11/2018 10:21

How is everyone going today? Had a chat with a guy at 4am on POF as I couldn;t sleep lol. A question for the wise, do all men on OLD try and insert sex talk/banter into the conversations early on? Are they testing how far to push you and what your boundaries are? i just can't understand how they can have a 10 minute chat and make innuendoes! Or is it just me???

Also, another guy on POF sent me a witty reply based on the conversation question I put on my profile. I only thought it polite to say that was witty and made me laugh. Out came the photo (of his face thankfully this time) and he's not my type.....is it rude to not reply at all now? Is this a lesson to me to just laugh and not reply if someone says something funny? Confused

Also i reinstalled Kik (i know, I know) as i know i had at least one unread message from MrCheekybanter. Thankfully because i uninstalled it or he's blocked me or whatever nothing was there in our previous conversation....... now uninstalled again and will leave that well alone. i'm thinking if he had really been interested he could have messaged me on POF yesterday to persue me lol, so that screams volumes doesn't it!!

DaffoDeffo · 16/11/2018 10:26

tbh scotgal I think if you're talking to someone at 4am then a) they will assume you're in bed Grin and b) a lot of people are horny at that time of night or up because they are not sleeping for one reason or the other so I imagine sex talk at 4am is not unusual. Not that I'm an expert like!

scotgal2017 · 16/11/2018 10:42

lol @daffodeffo I suppose normally that's right. This guy (can't think of a name for him yet) does shift work and works in the same industry as my ex so i know why he was up and about. It just seems that any little thing you say is interpreted as an innuendo.... or is it just what i'm saying is left so open lol. I don't know, I'm feeling like hibernating for the winter and hoping some decent, normal gentlemen appear when I wake up in spring lol.

DaffoDeffo · 16/11/2018 10:58

you can join the queue Grin. Goodness knows where all the normal sensible ones have gone (yes I know, they are probably still married!)

pudding21 · 16/11/2018 11:06

scot in my experience, the ones who talk about sex from the off are really only after one thing. Imagine, they are probably chatting to multiple women, only one has to say yes, and they get to get their fill without investing anything. I actually never met anyone who started straight off with dick pics and sex talk. Once I had a guy, we chatted on tinder, seemed nice, respectful etc, soon as I sent him my whatts app, I got 4 videos of him having a wank, cum shot an all. Once he had done, that was it. He basically just wanted to have a wank. Idiot. He looked so innocent and sweet too.

The ones who don't need to brag, show their wares etc but are flirty, they are the ones you should invest your time in. Unless you want ONS, then go for it.

I also left an abusive relationship (I read one of your posts up thread) and I was talking to my friend about one guy once and it looked like it was going to be difficult to get any privacy and I said well, there was always the car. And she said to me "Pudding, don't you think you deserve more than a quick car shag?". Made me realise that although a quick car shag is ok, it wasn't really what I wanted, especially as I knew I would probably never see him again. Decide on your boundaries and stick with them, some attention is not always better than none.

Still a quarter on the smitten bench here with FWB (I don't know how else to describe him, but clearly its more than that now), had a wobbly couple of days trying to work out if its what I want too or not. I always have that nagging doubt I am not enough, but getting there slowly. He is very patient with me.

unique1986 · 16/11/2018 11:19

Is anyone else happy to date, and not want sex to come up for a good while?
It ruins the getting to know you stage for me.

unique1986 · 16/11/2018 11:25

Yes Sex mentioned before even meeting is a no no.
I would be fine dating for months without it though.
( been single for a long time)

DaffoDeffo · 16/11/2018 11:28

I'm not unique but it has been a problem because I've found if you move to sex too quickly then sadly most men put you in that category (yes it still happens) of only wanting sex and not necessarily a relationship or another way of seeing it is you immediately attract the men who aren't in the space for a relationship (which is a big problem of mine).

Personally in this day and age I don't think it should be an issue for men or women (how quickly you have sex, or how long you want to wait or not) but I think it potentially is. I wouldn't manage a relationship where sex wasn't fairly high on the agenda. But I don't think that necessarily means you have to rush to it either. I have only ever had 2 dates where I dtd on the first date but I don't regret either of them tbh.

Pushreset · 16/11/2018 11:51

I think anxiety might be my middle name! Grin I think this constant messaging lark doesn’t help at all. It’s bound to slow down after the initial buzz but when the flow changes suddenly it doesn’t half shake you even when there is a completely innocent reason. I know my iron has been poorly but I’ve checked in, he knows I am still here but I will be waiting for him to suggest the next meet up. He has his children till late Sun aft so the weekend is tied up for both of us anyway.

WaitingforMrHardy · 16/11/2018 12:01

I find it weird to have sex talk before meeting, is it not weird to think you've probably wanked about me Confused

I think I would be keen to have sex within the first few weeks. I've came from a relationship where he couldn't get keep an errection, so I've basically been celibate for 4 years!

I like enough chat/flirting to know they would want to sleep with me.

Is it wrong to be put out when they don't flirt at all? Shock

I've got my date with Mr E. On Saturday night, still not convinced if he likes me, but it's worth a cocktail or two!

Question: why would a date choose the most expensive bar in town?

DaffoDeffo · 16/11/2018 12:20

honestly I think we overthink too much hardy. Maybe it's his favourite place, maybe he thinks it shows he's serious, maybe it's a treat for you, who knows, maybe it's because you can actually talk to each other in that bar.

What I can tell you, having been on a date with a man who chose the cheapest bar in town which was totally not conducive to conversation because it was crammed full of students and tourists looking for a cheap pint (couldn't even sit down) and then used a discount card for dinner so we could only have 2 things off the menu (should say at this point I have ABSOLUTELY no problem with people who don't have the funds for dating but he did and said he just likes being tight), that far rather it feels like a treat than you feel like you you're being made to scrimp and save unnecessarily (and I paid half!).

WaitingforMrHardy · 16/11/2018 12:31

Thanks Daffo hopefully he is trying to impress me! Smile

To be fair I like men who spend money, as opposed to my Ex who bought me two drinks in 4 years!

I don't expect to be paid for; like you I would always pay half, I will just need to bring enough money with me!