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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found out I’ve been cheated on for two years

213 replies

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 10:40

In a nutshell I started seeing a man two years ago who had been a Facebook friend for many years having met through mutual friends but it never went further until two years ago when we started talking quite a bit . After initially being very full on he pulled back saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship but just wanted to go with the flow . Unfortunately I fell in love with him and therefore invested way more than I should . His family all know me and can’t believe that he refuses to label us . I’ve met friends of his however was always introduced as the “friend” which crucified me . We have done a lot together and spend a lot of time together yet I’m just a friend Hmm . He’s never treated me like a FWB more like a girlfriend and believe me we have had many exhausting fall outs where I’ve challenged him over his refusal to acknowledge our so called relationship . Incidentally he calls constantly .. I probably see and hear more from him than my ex husband when we were together .
A few months ago I stepped back finally realising that he was probably never going to commit .. worked on my self esteem and started having a more fulfilling social life . This has caused him to literally pursue me like crazy . Surprise surprise but still a refusal to call me his girlfriend .
Last week out of the blue I had a Facebook message request from someone on his fb list . A woman who I know he has known for many years .she said quite simply . That I had to stop harassing him ! That he had made it clear to me he wasn’t interested and why could I not leave him alone ?! I was absolutely flabbergasted . When I told her we had been seeing each other she accused me of being a stalker and said he had been confiding in her for months about his “friend” who had an unrequieted crush on him . I felt physically sick and told her I didn’t believe her so she then forwarded me screenshots of his messages to her . He had been whining to her since April about me ! He had told her that I was a friend with benefits who had developed deeper feelings for him do he’d ended it but that id been unable to take no for an answer . In a very recent message she had asked him if I was behaving Angry he had replied that it was difficult to keep someone st arms length who liked him a lot but that he’d drawn a line under it and wasn’t seeing me at all . Bloody liar . I had no desire to enter into further conversation and basically told her where to go then went to see him . Waited until he was asleep and opened his iPad . An hour later of reading his messages (and yes I know it was wrong but I needed to know just how much of a liar he was ) I had concluded that a year ago he was seeing someone else for a four months . He had been chasing at least four old female fb friends and had slept with one the day after telling me how much he loved me and recently was chasing a young model . A fb friend he had known for years and in between telling two other female friends that I was a friend who he didn’t find in the least bit attractive Sad So .. It’s over ! He’s a pathological liar and is obviously constantly searching for validation and doesn’t consider me girlfriend material . I am ending this fast but do I tell him what I know ? I can’t confess to snooping but I can tell him about the friend contacting me however he’ll orobably give me some story about how he was confused and or put it all on me .
Incidentally he contacted one woman he had slept with who had messaged him saying she didn’t want to see him again because she felt he wasn’t treating me fairly and was leading me on .. saying that she never gave him s chance to let him know how he felt about her ..
shall I tell him what I know .. do I message these women and tell them what a piece of shit he is .. or do I was walk away with no explanation ? I actually feel sick at how he lied to me for two years and made a fool of me 😞

OP posts:
JudgeandJury · 25/10/2018 20:30

I realise now that what he was doing was saying if I behaved he might “choose” me . What the actual hell

OP posts:
Eatmycheese · 25/10/2018 20:39

@JudgeandJury sorry but you have written evidence he described you to others as a stalker? Stalking is a criminal offence. He had explicitly described you as thus and therefore imp,ied,y at the least accused you of a crime. If you'd typed (and I know you didn't) he was a rapist, a drink driver or a bit rough and ready in the sack or indeed a stalker then you could be in trouble so it follows so could he.

I'd love to nail his bollocks to the chopping board for that but as for him. Leave him to rot.

BestZebbie · 25/10/2018 21:34

In general I always think you should tell, but you need to consider how to spin "I found this whilst searching his IPad message history in secret" with "but I'm not a stalker"!

JudgeandJury · 25/10/2018 21:45

Bestzebbie after I was contacted by one of his harem telling me To leave him alone ! But yes he would do turn that on me 😞

OP posts:
JudgeandJury · 25/10/2018 22:06

Eat my cheese . Yes I saw the messages he sent his “friend”

OP posts:
JudgeandJury · 26/10/2018 12:16

Thank you everyone for your advice . I feel utterly horrendous. Last night he tried to call then sent a text saying “If this is how you feel then fine . I’ll go back to my bullshit life “ This morning I blocked him on every aspect . FB . phone . Instagram the lot . He can rot for all I care but I never want to see or hear from him again

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 26/10/2018 12:40

Nice emotional manipulation there.

You are well rid of him OP. Well done. I know it feels awful but it'll stop feeling like that soon.

Be good to yourself Smile

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2018 12:45

God what a sack of shit, he's now trying to play the sympathy card. That takes some beating in terms of how low can you go.

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 12:51

He’s spot on ”bullshit life”.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/10/2018 13:00

Jesus - ‘Playing the field’ doesn’t quite cover it, does it? He’s one screwed up twat.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and feel horrendous, however, be glad you have found out and ended it now. Two years is a good chunk of time, but be glad it’s only 2. You have learnt a lot, you’ve cut your ‘being single in your 40’s’ teeth and you’ve recently improved your social life and confidence. Take all the good stuff and move forward don’t let this take up any more of your head or heart space. Don’t dwell on it, thus wasting more of your life on it.

Make plans for tonight and this weekend because you’re free to do whatever the hell you like! (Once you’ve sorted the kids of course).

JudgeandJury · 26/10/2018 13:02

I couldn’t believe it . No thought or care for anyone but himself . He’s just frightened of being lonely

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 26/10/2018 13:10

Well done for blocking the twat. Glad you're finding your anger - you will start to heal now. Treat yourself well Flowers

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2018 13:47

I don't think he's frightened of being lonely op, if he was he'd get into a committed relationship with uou. It's not like that wasn't an option for him.

Frightened of being lonely doesn't make people make out someone is an obsessed stalker who he's never fancied, bad mouth them all over the place, lie to their face and keep shagging rhem, refuse to commit to a relationship with them, and attempt to shag any other vulnerable woman with a pulse.

BMW6 · 26/10/2018 15:17

He's NOT frightened of being lonely OP!

He just likes to have lots of sexual partners so manipulates, lies and deceives to get into their pants. That's all.

LethalWhite · 26/10/2018 15:27

This man is completley vile OP.

What a lucky escape

JudgeandJury · 26/10/2018 16:25

@bluntness100 You are right yet no one can see through him 😞

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 26/10/2018 16:27

Horrible, HORRIBLE man!!!

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2018 16:32

Op, I think plenty can see through him, the lady you spoke to on thr phone for example.its likely plenty of others too. I'm sorry. 💐

JudgeandJury · 26/10/2018 17:49

@bluntness100 oh yes ! She has definitely got the measure of him ..

OP posts:
MajorArcana · 26/10/2018 19:08

Don't respond please

I agree, he is NOT lonely. He's consciously or unconsciously but WHO CARES, end result the same, giving you the lines that will best pull on your strings, ie, an insinuation that you are cold-hearted, or the suggestion that you never really knew him (and that he's disappointed in you! ha!

Please let his attempts to reel you back in go unchallenged. If he calls you dramatic, let it go. If he calls you a cold-hearted article, let it go. If he says something like ''this is why we were never together'' let it go. Nothing will make him feel humbled like silence. And this guy needs to feel a tiny bit humbled. He won'tt feel it. But responding to point out to him WHY he is being unfair/thinking the worst etc will only show him that his good opinion still matters to you.

Only one response shows him that his good opinion no longer counts for anything - Silence!!!

JudgeandJury · 27/10/2018 00:46

I had an email ( I must work out how to block his emails ) basically saying it was all my fault . My paranoia and constant accusations wrecked any chance of us being together . I know this was not my fault . It’s him . He’s a nasty vile person Sad

OP posts:
JudgeandJury · 27/10/2018 01:19

I am now boiling over with rage . How dare he try to blame me after the Cle way he’s treated me for two years ! He had the cheek to say in his emails that My jealous and controlling behaviour screwed things up ! He’s a nutter.. he’s been sleeping his bloody way across the sodding country . I didn’t reply

OP posts:
Mrstobe90 · 27/10/2018 01:35

You're not an idiot at all.
You were in love and he betrayed you. That's not your fault at all. It's his.

He is utter scum!

Raindancer411 · 27/10/2018 03:49

Well he is trying to defend himself and make what he does in his eyes right 😂 I think multiple women would disagree with him...

Sorry op, but at least you can move on and find someone decent. Good luck

findingmywaytoday · 27/10/2018 08:18

Deffo don't reply. The silence will likely drive him mad. He knows he has / is a tit and is purely trying to elicit a reaction from you. Don't dive him the satisfaction - you can't reason with idiots.

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