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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found out I’ve been cheated on for two years

213 replies

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 10:40

In a nutshell I started seeing a man two years ago who had been a Facebook friend for many years having met through mutual friends but it never went further until two years ago when we started talking quite a bit . After initially being very full on he pulled back saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship but just wanted to go with the flow . Unfortunately I fell in love with him and therefore invested way more than I should . His family all know me and can’t believe that he refuses to label us . I’ve met friends of his however was always introduced as the “friend” which crucified me . We have done a lot together and spend a lot of time together yet I’m just a friend Hmm . He’s never treated me like a FWB more like a girlfriend and believe me we have had many exhausting fall outs where I’ve challenged him over his refusal to acknowledge our so called relationship . Incidentally he calls constantly .. I probably see and hear more from him than my ex husband when we were together .
A few months ago I stepped back finally realising that he was probably never going to commit .. worked on my self esteem and started having a more fulfilling social life . This has caused him to literally pursue me like crazy . Surprise surprise but still a refusal to call me his girlfriend .
Last week out of the blue I had a Facebook message request from someone on his fb list . A woman who I know he has known for many years .she said quite simply . That I had to stop harassing him ! That he had made it clear to me he wasn’t interested and why could I not leave him alone ?! I was absolutely flabbergasted . When I told her we had been seeing each other she accused me of being a stalker and said he had been confiding in her for months about his “friend” who had an unrequieted crush on him . I felt physically sick and told her I didn’t believe her so she then forwarded me screenshots of his messages to her . He had been whining to her since April about me ! He had told her that I was a friend with benefits who had developed deeper feelings for him do he’d ended it but that id been unable to take no for an answer . In a very recent message she had asked him if I was behaving Angry he had replied that it was difficult to keep someone st arms length who liked him a lot but that he’d drawn a line under it and wasn’t seeing me at all . Bloody liar . I had no desire to enter into further conversation and basically told her where to go then went to see him . Waited until he was asleep and opened his iPad . An hour later of reading his messages (and yes I know it was wrong but I needed to know just how much of a liar he was ) I had concluded that a year ago he was seeing someone else for a four months . He had been chasing at least four old female fb friends and had slept with one the day after telling me how much he loved me and recently was chasing a young model . A fb friend he had known for years and in between telling two other female friends that I was a friend who he didn’t find in the least bit attractive Sad So .. It’s over ! He’s a pathological liar and is obviously constantly searching for validation and doesn’t consider me girlfriend material . I am ending this fast but do I tell him what I know ? I can’t confess to snooping but I can tell him about the friend contacting me however he’ll orobably give me some story about how he was confused and or put it all on me .
Incidentally he contacted one woman he had slept with who had messaged him saying she didn’t want to see him again because she felt he wasn’t treating me fairly and was leading me on .. saying that she never gave him s chance to let him know how he felt about her ..
shall I tell him what I know .. do I message these women and tell them what a piece of shit he is .. or do I was walk away with no explanation ? I actually feel sick at how he lied to me for two years and made a fool of me 😞

OP posts:
JudgeandJury · 24/10/2018 13:55

I’ve been so grateful for all the advice . What I’ve really wanted to do is storm round to see him . Tell him what an utter piece of shit he is and shame him everywhere .. I’ve veered between anger and hate and downright disbelief at my own bloody stupidity . I want to hit him where it hurts . His ego is the only thing he will feel . No I don’t want him back . Why would I ?! I want afuture with someone . I only hung on because I stupidly thought there might be . It’s clear there isn’t . I’m too old and long in the tooth to waste my years being used by someone who clearly thinks so little of me

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 24/10/2018 14:45

Op, I certainly wasn't accusing you of being s nutter, but I do see that you'd have to be one to go back to him,

But yes, I was curious why you didn't tell him. Lots of folks post on here and you'd be surprised at how many just want to shoo away other women and take him back.

I think we all know that denting his ego is likely going to have the effect of him coming crawling,becayse he won't like it and he won't accept it. He will prefer to think he can have you come running whenever he wishes.

Telling him you know what he's being doing just shames him, but it shames you too and would never have the impact of him coming crawling back. Hence my question.

ferrier · 24/10/2018 15:35

Why does it shame op?

HeckyPeck · 24/10/2018 15:40

He wouldn’t feel shamed though. He’d just try and deny it and try and win OP back.

When I told my ex I didn’t fancy him anymore and that’s why I was ending it it took the wind right out of his sails and gave him nothing to argue against.

If I’d said I was leaving because he was a cheat he would have tried to deny then blame me etc etc. In my experience men like that have 0 capacity for shame. They think they’re entitled to cheat and that they’re gods gift, even though deep down mine was massively insecure. So I hit him where it hurts - his ego - and never looked back.

JudgeandJury · 24/10/2018 15:52

@bluntness100 sorry I was typing in a hurry ! I meant the other woman calling me a nutter not you Wink I just hate that someone would think that of me . But yes I’ve seen the threads myself I’m not a newbie but I usually just lurk . A year ago it would have been me . Hoping someone would wave a magic wand and turn him into a decent human being . I have had a long conversation with April woman which Im having to take all in . I’ll try and shorten what was said into a post that isn’t ten pages long !

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 24/10/2018 16:32

But the other women you’ve messaged will
Tell him
That you’ve messaged them 100% so he will know the real reason why anyway.

Honeyroar · 24/10/2018 16:47

These other women (the ones that blocked you) will tell him that his nutty stalker tried to contact them, so he will know you didn't end it just because you weren't feeling it anymore. And all this chatting with April woman will upset you much more than it will bother him..

JudgeandJury · 24/10/2018 16:47

@crispysausagerolls she contacted me first as outlined in my original post . I tried to respond but she had already blocked me

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 24/10/2018 16:54

Yes, it's a good point they will tell him.

Op the lady who blocked you has prob been fed too much bullshit by him. I agree it's horrible she thinks you're something you're not, but this is what he's done to you.

It's quite shocking if you think about it, he's a real nasty piece of work. This is more than just sleeping with other women, he targets vulnerable ones, he lies to them to get them to have sex with him.

I am not sure if it's been mentioned but you need an sti check.

And if you want th lady who has blocked you to know, ask th lady who gave you her number to tell her too.

areyoubeingserviced · 24/10/2018 17:02

I agree with the poster who said that you should just tell him that you are not feeling the relationship anymore and then ghost him
I wouldn’t even bother telling him what I had found
I do wonder why you bothered staying so long though. it is obvious that he really didn’t want an exclusive relationship

Honeyroar · 24/10/2018 17:03

The other women will realise one day, when he's saying the same about them. I gave my horrible brother's latest girlfriend a lift home once after an argument. He'd accused her of cheating among other things. On the way home she told me how they'd only got together- he'd cheated on his ex, but his ex had been cheating on him. When I pointed out that everything his ex was reported to have done was the same as what he was accusing her of it was like a lightbulb went on..

MajorArcana · 24/10/2018 17:12

What a harem of monkeys. You're the one who got away.

Bluntness100 · 24/10/2018 17:24

The thing is he is going to end up a lonely old man.

Do you not look at his mother and father and think how the hell they managed to raise a child with absolutely no morals. I think as parents we all hope we raise kids to have moral standards in the way they treat people. I'd hate it if my daughter turned out to be a liar and a cheat, using people like this and I'd wonder where I went wrong.

MajorArcana · 24/10/2018 17:27

I wonder if these types will end up al9ne or not. I think they will end up with somebody but they'll feel alone.
I will end up on my own, ie, stay single, but i will not feel loneliness.

JudgeandJury · 24/10/2018 17:35

@bluntness no it’s the one who originally contacted me saying I should leave him alone that blocked me . The one I’ve Been on the phone to all afternoon I made contact with after finding out he’d slept with her . She thinks he’s an absolute piece of shit .

OP posts:
JudgeandJury · 24/10/2018 17:41

My mum said men like this usually start panicking when they get Older and their looks start going and suddenly settle down in a panic but she said he’ll still probably cheat

OP posts:
JudgeandJury · 24/10/2018 17:42

@ areyoubeingserviced I stayed because I was in love with him and believed his bullshit

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 24/10/2018 17:42

He might not end up alone (he clearly has the gift of the gab with women) but he will never have a deep, real relationship.

Best thing you can do now is let it all slide and move on with your future.

JudgeandJury · 24/10/2018 17:55

@honeyroar I think people are just commodities to him .

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 24/10/2018 18:18

But the one you’ve been on the phone to that thinks he’s a shit, you don’t think she will get in touch with him and explain she knows what he’s done and explain you told him?

What’s doneis done so I’m not trying to make you feel bad as you can’t change it, but I think it will get back to him and you may as well have told him the truth otherwise it looks silly. The woman who contacted you and blocked you will anyway.

I wouldn’t waste any more of your time discussing him with any women though.

JudgeandJury · 24/10/2018 18:36

Tbh I don’t the woman that contacted me will as she would have to explain why she got in touch . I think knowing him he would be enraged .
I just followed the advice on here which was I should warn the other women . My gut feeling was to walk away and not care but it infuriates me that I can’t at least clear my name with the brainwashed woman who thought it ok to message me and accuse me of things I haven’t done Confused

OP posts:
ferando81 · 24/10/2018 18:49

I would certainly plan your revenge .Has he got any brothers you could sleep with?But bottomline is if someone doesn't introduce you as his girlfriend run a mile .
As a man I find his behaviour disgusting

JudgeandJury · 24/10/2018 23:20

Ok so I called as the woman who gave me her number . The first thing she said was that she was so glad I’d called as she had wanted to contact me for ages but didn’t dare . She said she’s known him on and off for years but no longer lives near him however they spent the night together many years ago . She said he asked to meet her for a drink when he went to visit friends (the day after telling me he loved me and wanted to make it official ) she Tod me that he spent the evening telling her what an amazing “friend” I had been and how I was perfect for him in every way but sadly he didn’t find me attractive Shock . She asked him if any thing had ever happened and he said no never .
In a nutshell they spent the night together and next morning he told her how much he liked and admired her and asked if she would consider getting together . She said she wasn’t sure but when he opened his phone she said she saw several missed calls from me and smelt a rat . He lied to me about his where abouts that night and then arranged to go out with her a few nights later but cancelled her as she was going out of the door saying Id been grilling him about what he was doing and he was fed up of it now . At that point she said she realised he was probably lying through his back teeth . She said there was nothing from him for three days . No calls . Messages nothing (he was with me at this time ) Then he messaged saying he had really enjoyed the other night . She said at that point she felt used herself and sent him a long scathing message and also told him she thought he was leading me on . She sent me screenshots . She said she told him she didn’t want anything more to do with him and removed him from fb . She said he has tried to contact her via other social media but she ignores . Her verdict was that he was arragant and a complete user and she was so sorry that he had lied and hurt me so much . She said she’s had no desire to talk to him since and if she had her way she would contact every woman he’s trying it on with and warn them but we both agreed it was a waste of time . Her words now not mine “block him everywhere and forget him . He’s not worth it “

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JudgeandJury · 25/10/2018 07:04

I’ve been an even bigger idiot than I thought I was . I feel empty today . I’ve barely slept . I feel sick

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 25/10/2018 07:26

You have NOT been an idiot and you will be ok, it's the shock making you feel ill. It will just take time. Be kind to yourself Flowers