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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found out I’ve been cheated on for two years

213 replies

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 10:40

In a nutshell I started seeing a man two years ago who had been a Facebook friend for many years having met through mutual friends but it never went further until two years ago when we started talking quite a bit . After initially being very full on he pulled back saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship but just wanted to go with the flow . Unfortunately I fell in love with him and therefore invested way more than I should . His family all know me and can’t believe that he refuses to label us . I’ve met friends of his however was always introduced as the “friend” which crucified me . We have done a lot together and spend a lot of time together yet I’m just a friend Hmm . He’s never treated me like a FWB more like a girlfriend and believe me we have had many exhausting fall outs where I’ve challenged him over his refusal to acknowledge our so called relationship . Incidentally he calls constantly .. I probably see and hear more from him than my ex husband when we were together .
A few months ago I stepped back finally realising that he was probably never going to commit .. worked on my self esteem and started having a more fulfilling social life . This has caused him to literally pursue me like crazy . Surprise surprise but still a refusal to call me his girlfriend .
Last week out of the blue I had a Facebook message request from someone on his fb list . A woman who I know he has known for many years .she said quite simply . That I had to stop harassing him ! That he had made it clear to me he wasn’t interested and why could I not leave him alone ?! I was absolutely flabbergasted . When I told her we had been seeing each other she accused me of being a stalker and said he had been confiding in her for months about his “friend” who had an unrequieted crush on him . I felt physically sick and told her I didn’t believe her so she then forwarded me screenshots of his messages to her . He had been whining to her since April about me ! He had told her that I was a friend with benefits who had developed deeper feelings for him do he’d ended it but that id been unable to take no for an answer . In a very recent message she had asked him if I was behaving Angry he had replied that it was difficult to keep someone st arms length who liked him a lot but that he’d drawn a line under it and wasn’t seeing me at all . Bloody liar . I had no desire to enter into further conversation and basically told her where to go then went to see him . Waited until he was asleep and opened his iPad . An hour later of reading his messages (and yes I know it was wrong but I needed to know just how much of a liar he was ) I had concluded that a year ago he was seeing someone else for a four months . He had been chasing at least four old female fb friends and had slept with one the day after telling me how much he loved me and recently was chasing a young model . A fb friend he had known for years and in between telling two other female friends that I was a friend who he didn’t find in the least bit attractive Sad So .. It’s over ! He’s a pathological liar and is obviously constantly searching for validation and doesn’t consider me girlfriend material . I am ending this fast but do I tell him what I know ? I can’t confess to snooping but I can tell him about the friend contacting me however he’ll orobably give me some story about how he was confused and or put it all on me .
Incidentally he contacted one woman he had slept with who had messaged him saying she didn’t want to see him again because she felt he wasn’t treating me fairly and was leading me on .. saying that she never gave him s chance to let him know how he felt about her ..
shall I tell him what I know .. do I message these women and tell them what a piece of shit he is .. or do I was walk away with no explanation ? I actually feel sick at how he lied to me for two years and made a fool of me 😞

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 23/10/2018 15:34

Forward a couple of messages to each of them that show you weren't doing all the chasing, then block the lot of them on everything and let them get on with it. Don't get drawn into any more of it. But especially don't let him contact you or come round.

HereIgoagainxx · 23/10/2018 15:50

I'd not normally go down the route of sending screenshots, but this effing twerp needs his comeuppance. I'd be sure to state that until you were randomly contacted by a woman on FB saying you are a stalker , you thought you were in a relationship, albeit with a commitment phobe.

Then I'd send some recent messages. In fact, set some up so he responds with how much you mean to him and if you can one with him planning somewhere to go with you (bonus points if you can get him to sound super keen).

Expose this creep to the women that have clearly fallen for his woe is me carryon. He's probably trying to sleep with them by making out he is just being kind to you for being obsessed with him.

This is one shockingly manipulative asshole.

And of course you will move on from this, op. That actually goes without saying xx

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 16:31

Well we were supposed to be going on holiday in two weeks .completely on his insistence so I guess I could get him to chat about that as he’s really looking forward to it . Don’t know about anyone else but I don’t normally go on holiday with my stalkers Hmm

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JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 16:32

Should add it’s not a proper holiday but a freebie staying in a cottage somewhere with his family

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Honeyroar · 23/10/2018 16:36

Why would you want to chat with him about anything at this point?

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 16:48

Honeyroar I was thinking in terms of being able to screenshot messages showing him making plans as detailed above although tbh I’ve got heaps from the last week that clearly shows he was making plans to see me . The holiday is one reason I’m not looking forward to the fallout. I’m going to message him a fairly short message later saying this isn’t working for me and I won’t be going away with him . Im actually going to block all contact as I don’t want to hear his pathetic crap

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 23/10/2018 16:50

He called you a stalker and cheated on all his Ex's... that was a raging red flag that you ignored.

If you have the proof of all the others I'd contact the woman... if not I'd leave it... tell him it's not working for you and end it.

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 16:57

Sandy I only found out about him being the worlds boyfriend just recently . However yes calling me a stalker . When he said that I should have told him to do one and yes I do have proof

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Bluntness100 · 23/10/2018 17:09

Honestly, the more you write, the more I'd have to say something to him. That you know. All of it. And it's over. The women, the stalking accusations. All of it.

You don't even really need to say much more than that.

MajorArcana · 23/10/2018 17:12

.

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 17:17

Bluntness right now I’m just feeling very stupid and angry

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Bluntness100 · 23/10/2018 17:18

Don't feel stupid but do feel angry.

Tell the wanker you know. And not to contact you again. Seriously, what are you waiting for?

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 17:22

You are right . There is no need for any further discussion on it either . I’ll send the message now . He’ll get it when he finishes work by which time he will be blocked everywhere

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MajorArcana · 23/10/2018 17:25

Ive been in these shoes tio, minus a woman contacting me. But used as a girlfriend. A place holder girlfriend. He callwd us friends and then proceeded to ignore every boundary between friendship and a relationship. And we did have a relationship. Veryconfusing. I wised up after about 6 monthsbut it was easy to slip in to that situation. Im not a fool either.

I agree with advice to end it with message saying you're not feeling it.

That will upset him more honestly
Resist the temptstion to reprimand him.
I WISH id just said "not feel8ng it".
That would have hurt his ego. Me being upset and calling him out only made him indignant

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 17:28

Nail on head ! Placeholder that’s all I’ve been and if he thought he could upgrade he would most likely bin me in a heartbeat

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gendercritter · 23/10/2018 17:30

TBH I’ve tried to walk away a few times and knew I should have gone after five minutes but I was lonely too and not in a good place

That's the nub of it isn't it? Being unhappy makes you a sitting target for these arseholes. I'm glad you're in a better place now and you will be even more when you've ditched this guy totally and can put all your energy into yourself.

Flowers for you.

MajorArcana · 23/10/2018 17:33

Yupp my boyfriend-who-owed-me-nothing could leave at any moment and owed me no explanations but he clearly enjoyed that type of gf/bf relationship. I am on bus now but later i will link to a few articles the encapsulated this crappy phenomenon. It would never happen to me again but he was clever. Told me his mother had enmeshed him. Told me he was in psychotherapy because his mothers 'enmeshment'. I googled that of course and it tied in with fear of relationships and feeling stifled. So i thought i was lucky!

Ha!
Tell him you have gone off him. Honestly. Do it for me Grin

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 17:39

Gender yes I was not in a good place when I met him and this did make me an easy target . I think he’s sensed my gradual pulling away anyway as the time away was only recently suggested he also suggested last week we spend New Year together err no thanks . I know my own worth now and I deserve a hell of a lot more than this
Major I think hitting him where it hurts . In his ego would probably be the best medicine Grin

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JellieEllie · 23/10/2018 18:02

I've always been under the impression that if a man continues to disrespect you on a day by day basis (never mind for two years) then he doesn't believe you have any self respect and will continue to disrespect you because you are allowing him to do so.
I do think he's strung you along, even been clear you were just friends, introducing you to his mates as friend, not going official with you, the signs have all been there and you chose to continue pandering after this man as though he was gods gift.
He got away with it for so long because you let him get away with it. You let him treat you like shit, you allowed him to treat you like a side chick, you said yourself you were only there as a shoulder to cry on and for a quick fuck.
I hope you will leave it as it is and walk away from him because this guy will end up sending you mental. You have to stop this. He won't because it works for him.

JellieEllie · 23/10/2018 18:03

Sorry that last post sounded extremely harsh. I didn't intend to come across that way. More tough love but honest. I do hope you are ok.

Thebluedog · 23/10/2018 18:06

Bloody hell op, you are not stupid Flowers he is an absolute shit bag. I’m not normally one that would promote talking to the other women or send screen shots, however in his case I’d be sorely tempted to, firstly to warn them but also as he accused you of being a stalker and has basically been using you for gf duties whilst having no intention of having a relationship with you .

Jack65 · 23/10/2018 18:06

Is his name Chris C? No contact is best with this type of person.

MajorArcana · 23/10/2018 18:08

I think this is the article that made me SEE

MajorArcana · 23/10/2018 18:09

here's another truth bomb :-(

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 18:10

Jellie oh he’d had marketed the whole thing as a quick shag I’d have been gone long ago .. no he knew all the right bullshit to say . How we were soul mates and he was making love to me . Of course I wanted to believe it all

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