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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found out I’ve been cheated on for two years

213 replies

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 10:40

In a nutshell I started seeing a man two years ago who had been a Facebook friend for many years having met through mutual friends but it never went further until two years ago when we started talking quite a bit . After initially being very full on he pulled back saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship but just wanted to go with the flow . Unfortunately I fell in love with him and therefore invested way more than I should . His family all know me and can’t believe that he refuses to label us . I’ve met friends of his however was always introduced as the “friend” which crucified me . We have done a lot together and spend a lot of time together yet I’m just a friend Hmm . He’s never treated me like a FWB more like a girlfriend and believe me we have had many exhausting fall outs where I’ve challenged him over his refusal to acknowledge our so called relationship . Incidentally he calls constantly .. I probably see and hear more from him than my ex husband when we were together .
A few months ago I stepped back finally realising that he was probably never going to commit .. worked on my self esteem and started having a more fulfilling social life . This has caused him to literally pursue me like crazy . Surprise surprise but still a refusal to call me his girlfriend .
Last week out of the blue I had a Facebook message request from someone on his fb list . A woman who I know he has known for many years .she said quite simply . That I had to stop harassing him ! That he had made it clear to me he wasn’t interested and why could I not leave him alone ?! I was absolutely flabbergasted . When I told her we had been seeing each other she accused me of being a stalker and said he had been confiding in her for months about his “friend” who had an unrequieted crush on him . I felt physically sick and told her I didn’t believe her so she then forwarded me screenshots of his messages to her . He had been whining to her since April about me ! He had told her that I was a friend with benefits who had developed deeper feelings for him do he’d ended it but that id been unable to take no for an answer . In a very recent message she had asked him if I was behaving Angry he had replied that it was difficult to keep someone st arms length who liked him a lot but that he’d drawn a line under it and wasn’t seeing me at all . Bloody liar . I had no desire to enter into further conversation and basically told her where to go then went to see him . Waited until he was asleep and opened his iPad . An hour later of reading his messages (and yes I know it was wrong but I needed to know just how much of a liar he was ) I had concluded that a year ago he was seeing someone else for a four months . He had been chasing at least four old female fb friends and had slept with one the day after telling me how much he loved me and recently was chasing a young model . A fb friend he had known for years and in between telling two other female friends that I was a friend who he didn’t find in the least bit attractive Sad So .. It’s over ! He’s a pathological liar and is obviously constantly searching for validation and doesn’t consider me girlfriend material . I am ending this fast but do I tell him what I know ? I can’t confess to snooping but I can tell him about the friend contacting me however he’ll orobably give me some story about how he was confused and or put it all on me .
Incidentally he contacted one woman he had slept with who had messaged him saying she didn’t want to see him again because she felt he wasn’t treating me fairly and was leading me on .. saying that she never gave him s chance to let him know how he felt about her ..
shall I tell him what I know .. do I message these women and tell them what a piece of shit he is .. or do I was walk away with no explanation ? I actually feel sick at how he lied to me for two years and made a fool of me 😞

OP posts:
Adora10 · 23/10/2018 13:52

Are you really surprised OP, I mean two years and he refused to call you his girlfriend, could a man insult you any more than that, not sure why you carried on with him if you wanted more; I also don't see what terrible thing he has done to you, it's was always a FWB arrangement surely.

Make sure you get STI tested and block him on everything, he sounds a right dirty little git with zero respect for any woman.

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 14:05

Adora I’m not a fool .. and if you read the post you’d see that I said it wasn’t FWB in the sense of the fact that we had THAT talk when he said he wasn’t ready to put a label on it and he told me clearly all the way through that he saw us as being together . That it was not a FWB . That he loved me but simply couldn’t make it official as he wasn’t ready . Every time I gave him an ultimatum he’d say let’s go public then change his mind the next day . He would accuse me of being paranoid if I asked if there were other women and his own mother told him to marry me ! FWB arehook ups .. they don’t speak for weeks then sleep together and go home . I would have him literally declaring his unending love one minute then backing off the next . Yes I was a bloody idiot to stick around but if he’d said look this is nothing but FEB I’d have walked immediately so I feel he kept me constantly hanging on with the promise of commitment whike reaping all the benefits of a real relationship . I’ve FWB way back and it would be a call a hook up then nothing for a couple of weeks . This man communicates with me non stop every day . So I think I’m right to feel upset that he’s telling other women aim an obsessed stalker

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TheWiseWomansFear · 23/10/2018 14:06

I'd have sent them all screenshots of the other messages tbh, call me petty but those women don't deserve being lied to. I'd also do the same for the woman who contacted you.
Psycho bloke he is

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 14:06

Adora you are however right that he’s a dirty little git with zero respect for women

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Adora10 · 23/10/2018 14:09

Never said you were a fool, can only tell you what I'd tell my friend, my daughter....
His words meant nothing OP, reflect on his actions, he never treated you like someone he wanted a future with, the words were purely to keep you sweet.

I don't know what you call it but it wasn't a relationship, he made that pretty clear.

Not saying you shouldn't be upset, sure you can do a lot better.

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 14:15

Oh yes sadly I know that now and I do feel like a fool . I wonder what his family really thought. They probably knew he was just using me . Yes I’ll have to get checked out sigh .. how humiliating . I’m pretty sure I’m going to be better off without his never ending calls I’ll probably gain back quite a few man hours 🙄

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Adora10 · 23/10/2018 14:16

Love makes us do silly things sometimes, we are blinded by it, sure you have learnt a good lesson though OP, go by actions, gestures, kindness, forget the words.

You will be fine, you go ahead and flourish now.

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 14:22

I’m not in love with him anymore but I was for a long time . I think the only person he loves is himself

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JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 14:30

Those that suggested I send screenshots ..that may we’ll be my parting gift

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Trinity66 · 23/10/2018 14:31

Oh I'd have to make sure people knew I wasn't a crazy stalker, screen shots all the way

Forgotmycoat · 23/10/2018 14:32

Op please let these women know what he's doing. They all deserve to know he is putting their sexual health at risk.

Hope you feel better op. Glad you've seen through him.

Honeyroar · 23/10/2018 14:33

Nobody genuinely says I love you and then gives you reasons why they can't commit or call you their girlfriend. The I love you was the lie. It's very easy to say, actions show love much more.

Drop him like a stone (like you should have done years ago!) and don't be fooled by any more declarations of love or tales of how much he missed you. He's played you far too long, he won't change. He thinks he can pull your strings- cut them! Do something wonderful for yourself, leave this waste of space behind and move on.

MaverickSnoopy · 23/10/2018 14:34

I have been in EXACTLY this situation, albeit for 9 months and not 2 years. I completely understand where you are coming from and what you were.

For me, we used to see each other all the time and speak to each other several times a week, if not sometimes daily. We marked special occasions, he took me on holiday, we went for days out, I spent family occasions with him etc etc etc. He never put a label on us and didn't use the friend card in my case, but I did understand that we weren't together officially. He said he loved me all the time and I said I loved him. He confided in me about all major decision and any problems. I felt so connected to him. Turned out he was sleeping with everyone else and then one day announced a relationship on Facebook with someone else. That was the end of that. 8 years later he sent me a message out of the blue apologising. I never replied.

You just have to walk away. He is no good for you and will destroy your mental wellbeing. If you need to then say some parting words but work out if that's the right approach for you.

TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 14:36

Well he’s lying to all of you isn’t he.

You could send all the women screenshots, but I really couldn’t be arsed myself, they’ll find out eventually.

It was naive of you to keep going with someone who would never call you his gf. But it was naive of the OW 1 to believe stories about the crazy stalker without reflecting that he a) may be telling porkies and b) he was doing something to maintain your interest and c) he may say the same about her.

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 14:43

Tatiana oh yes The woman he slept with who he begged for forgiveness from he told me she was a trouble maker and a nutter . The one who contacted me recently . I’ve been aware they talk but if I ask him about her he says she’s great to talk to but is arragant and has her head up head up her arse .. meanwhile I’m thinking bet they are both lovely Hmm

OP posts:
JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 14:45

Honey roar he’s not pulling my strings anymore !
Maverick I’m so sorry . What a complete tool 😞

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 23/10/2018 14:45

Little do they know...

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 14:46

Oh Tatiana the woman he’s been whinging about me too must be a bit daft as he’s constantly tagging me in fb memes etc

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JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 14:49

Tatiana current woman he’s chatting to is obviously hoping for more and like me is too eager to believe his bullshit Hmm From her messages she was telling him what a good and lovely person he was and how hard it must be for him trying to keep me at arms length but he’s doing the right thing as it only gives me the wrong idea . In one exchange she even advises him to block me 😐

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 23/10/2018 14:56

If she can't see he's lying to her when it's obvious that's her fault.

He may not be pulling your strings right now but he will probably come back with a vengeance and try and rehook you if you walk away.

How long since you last saw him? Have you told him you aren't going to see him anymore or is this all very new?

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 14:58

Honeyroar this is really new . I’m still smarting . He has tried to call me as usual and I’ve ignored the phone . I don’t want to speak to him . He makes me sick but I’ve been trying to work out how to end this as the fallout will be great I can guarantee it

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JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 15:02

Also it’s not just her there are at least two others currently being .. for want of a better word .. groomed . Both are in sbusive relationships and he’s been playing wonderful listener but told one who is a young Latvian model she should come and stay with him to get away . Then added that he wasn’t looking for a relationship but that he fancied her like mad . The woman he confides in he’s. Constantly bleating that he desperately wants a relationship 🙄

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JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 15:06

The woman he slept with six months ago . Just two days previously he’d told me let’s make a go if it officially . Then when I saw him a day after he slept with her he told me that he’d decided we wouldn’t work therefore he had “dumped” me so to speak to free himself up to sleep with her . He also pleaded with her for a relationship but she turned him down and told her He didn’t find me attractive and our friendship was only ever platonic

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TheWiseWomansFear · 23/10/2018 15:13

I really would tell the other women, no way is he allowed to make me look like the wrong one

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 15:18

well it would be clear to her that he had hardly been keeping me at arms length

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