Found out I’ve been cheated on for two years

[JudgeandJury]

In a nutshell I started seeing a man two years ago who had been a Facebook friend for many years having met through mutual friends but it never went further until two years ago when we started talking quite a bit . After initially being very full on he pulled back saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship but just wanted to go with the flow . Unfortunately I fell in love with him and therefore invested way more than I should . His family all know me and can’t believe that he refuses to label us . I’ve met friends of his however was always introduced as the “friend” which crucified me . We have done a lot together and spend a lot of time together yet I’m just a friend . He’s never treated me like a FWB more like a girlfriend and believe me we have had many exhausting fall outs where I’ve challenged him over his refusal to acknowledge our so called relationship . Incidentally he calls constantly .. I probably see and hear more from him than my ex husband when we were together .
A few months ago I stepped back finally realising that he was probably never going to commit .. worked on my self esteem and started having a more fulfilling social life . This has caused him to literally pursue me like crazy . Surprise surprise but still a refusal to call me his girlfriend .
Last week out of the blue I had a Facebook message request from someone on his fb list . A woman who I know he has known for many years .she said quite simply . That I had to stop harassing him ! That he had made it clear to me he wasn’t interested and why could I not leave him alone ?! I was absolutely flabbergasted . When I told her we had been seeing each other she accused me of being a stalker and said he had been confiding in her for months about his “friend” who had an unrequieted crush on him . I felt physically sick and told her I didn’t believe her so she then forwarded me screenshots of his messages to her . He had been whining to her since April about me ! He had told her that I was a friend with benefits who had developed deeper feelings for him do he’d ended it but that id been unable to take no for an answer . In a very recent message she had asked him if I was behaving he had replied that it was difficult to keep someone st arms length who liked him a lot but that he’d drawn a line under it and wasn’t seeing me at all . Bloody liar . I had no desire to enter into further conversation and basically told her where to go then went to see him . Waited until he was asleep and opened his iPad . An hour later of reading his messages (and yes I know it was wrong but I needed to know just how much of a liar he was ) I had concluded that a year ago he was seeing someone else for a four months . He had been chasing at least four old female fb friends and had slept with one the day after telling me how much he loved me and recently was chasing a young model . A fb friend he had known for years and in between telling two other female friends that I was a friend who he didn’t find in the least bit attractive So .. It’s over ! He’s a pathological liar and is obviously constantly searching for validation and doesn’t consider me girlfriend material . I am ending this fast but do I tell him what I know ? I can’t confess to snooping but I can tell him about the friend contacting me however he’ll orobably give me some story about how he was confused and or put it all on me .
Incidentally he contacted one woman he had slept with who had messaged him saying she didn’t want to see him again because she felt he wasn’t treating me fairly and was leading me on .. saying that she never gave him s chance to let him know how he felt about her ..
shall I tell him what I know .. do I message these women and tell them what a piece of shit he is .. or do I was walk away with no explanation ? I actually feel sick at how he lied to me for two years and made a fool of me 😞

Ps dont answe phone cos his texts if they ask u to reconsuder are proof u never stalked him.

Great message OP!

Thanks everyone sorry I fell asleep totally exhausted . Got up this morning and he had read the message but not responded . The only reason I wouldn’t post anything on his fb is because I have his family on there and I don’t think his poor elderly mum needs to see that on his fb page . I’ve taken screenshots of various messages though and am debating certainly sending them to the woman he’s talking to telling her I’m a stalker 😡

I probably wouldn’t send them - just because it will embroil you further into the mess and you’ll end up getting replies from them all and it will just keep on going and going and you deserve to just draw a line and move on

One problem I have is that the other women are all ones he’s known for donkeys years . Ex girlfriends/flings/ long time friends . It’s as though he has a garden of women that he just checks on occasionally . The woman he is currently talking to he hadn’t spoken to for ages but suddenly she’s dingle and has lost five stone . And suddenly he wants to talk to her

Single not dingle. But as a result part of me thinks even if presented with the evidence they probably will still continue to dawn over him after all they’ve known him for years and he tends to hone in on ones who he thinks are going to be easy to manipulate or who are in a bad place . Then he mirrors everything they say . He tells her how much he wants to be happy with someone yet alll I got was commitmentphobe bullshit

It’s hard and it’s shitty but some men need the constant validation. The best thing is to disengage completely and feel sorry for them, and even better, for him. He’s a completely emotionally defunct individual who won’t be able to hold down a healthy or happy real relationship. Poor guy. You, on the other hand, will go on and find someone worthwhile (or they will find you). It’s exciting - who knows who you will meet!

@crispysausagerolls you know what that is so true . He even lived with someone from eight years in his twenties . Claimed he adored her yet he even cheated on her . I just don’t think he’s happy unless he has the validation

There you go! Absolute waste of space and no need to miss him. At least he was relatively honest with you and wouldn’t refer to you as his girlfriend - sounds like the other girls have been lied to far more!

As time went on he revealed more about his old relationships . He had some wonderful girlfriends but it seems he gets bored . Seeks validation and cheats . Most of them don’t even know he ever cheated and are still his “friend”

Well done OP perfect message.. I’ve changed my mind about sending the ow the messages, I think you might be painted more as the nutter stalker ex regardless. I think take the moral high ground and make him think you simply don’t want a mediocre relationship

Think how lucky you are to be free from him. You’ll move on to greater things and he’ll be left tending his sad little garden of women that he’ll never have any real connection with.

There was a similar situation here only earlier this month. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3386922-Should-I-tell-this-lady?msgid=81655479 The overwhelming consensus is that you should tell the other woman/women. I will repeat what I said over there:

SalemBlackCat4 Sun 07-Oct-18 07:24:18
I disagree with those who think ignore. As a woman, I think you have a duty to tell a fellow sisterhood if she is being cheated on, especially if serially. Do people not understand that this woman's life could be at risk, if not from HPV or similar, but from HIV? I think it is very selfish and callous of people to walk away and not tell someone. I would want to know. And if my partner had been cheating on me for years and potentially risking my life and my health, I would want to know. If I got sick, I would be just as furious, if not more so, at those who knew and turned their back on me and walked away. If you can do it anonymously via screenshot evidence, then do it that way.

Add message | Report | Message poster SalemBlackCat4 Sun 07-Oct-18 07:26:28
"If ‘telling’ was the ‘default’ we would make it far harder for these twats to cheat "

EXACTLY!!! This happens because us women enable it and turn our backs on our own sisterhood. The repercussions of this is not just healthwise for the woman possibly infected, but it enables men to get away with this.

Not telling is unconscionable. It is a bigger betrayal than the act itself.

@JudgeandJury, you really need to tell her and the others, at the very least her. Apart from the loyalty to sisterhood angle, and apart from the health angle, you are now known as a STALKER by his friends. NO FUCKING WAY, NO FUCKING WAY would I not shut that woman down and clear my name. I don't care what I would have to do. This is no way she would not have been set very straight about the TRUTH. Because I* will not allow anyone to give me that label if I don't deserve it.

Yikes, bold fail.

I’m not going to contact the women he’s been hitting on but the one he slept with back in April who he is desperately trying to make contact with again I have messaged via Facebook simply saying . Hi I wonder if you would be up for a chat ? The woman he currently talks to who I add lives three hours from him but he’s always suggesting they meet and has been giving her the stalker sob story , I have just sent this message to .
I feel I need to set the record straight . This man has been treating me as his girlfriend and lying to me about any other female involvement . I’ve no idea what his intentions are with you but Immassuming it’s to get into your knickers . Just so as you know he is anything but the poor innocent being hounded by an obsessed woman he doesn’t want is far removed from the truth . He calls every day . He has almost pursued me and has invited me away on holiday . Strange behaviour given he is trying to keep me at arms length ! No line has been drawn by him at all . I’ve included screenshots of my call log . You will see his number ending in xxx . As he has called you you know it’s his . Look at all the incoming calls . Also attached is a screenshot of a recent text conversation . Make of it what you will .

Ooooh I wouldn’t have done that. Just walking away would have proved you’re not a stalker. You don’t owe anyone anything.

Nope I couldn’t not say anything . As it happens she appears to have blocked me without reading the message 🤣 so she’s already believed his rubbish as she has obviously already started to invest so there we are . However April woman has messaged back with her phone number !

I probably shouldn’t have messaged the woman he regularly talks to but it upset me that he’d told her such crap . However she had obviously already made her mind up about me when she messaged . I sent my messages and they showed as not delivered . Then when I clicked in the message bar ten minutes later it said You cannot reply to this conversation

I am now wondering what he’s been saying to others . To his family 😞 I am now about to call April woman to find out a bit more . I’m gobsmacked that she wants to speak but worried about what she may say

To be honest I don't understand why you are messaging these women but didn't tell him you knew?

I could understand if you told him and them, or just him, but to pretend to him you don't know, is odd.

Are you hoping that you can get them to back off and he will come running to you promising commitment? I'm a least said soonest mended kind of way?

You have him a little kick, but let's be honest, you didn't slam the door shut, as you would have done if you told him you knew what he as doing to uou behind your back. Because then there would be no way he would come running and the lack of dignity it would take to take him back knowing he knew you knew, would be horrifying.

All in its rather an odd way to handle it and does smack of you want him and uou want the others to back off.

Your message to him was perfect, but you've negated that really by getting into chats with the other woman - because they will feed it all back to him. Plus it will be hard to talk to the other girl calmly without being offended at what she says. You'd be better just dropping it and walking away with your head up.

I would have wanted to defend myself, too. But the bottom line is that if you had been able to communicate with 'message woman' she wouldn't have believed you even after seeing proof. Tell April woman what you know and if she's interested show her what you have. But also be prepared for her to discount your information out of hand. The line from the Doobie Bros song is so true: "What a fool believes no wise man has the power to reason away". I've been in their position. I was warned, my head told me to listen, but I discounted it all because she was a 'jealous ex who just wanted him back'. The more fool me!

I didn’t tell him I knew because the general consensus was not to but rather hit him in the ego yet the suggestion was I should at least defend myself from what he’s told the others . As it happens I can’t speak to one anyway and I’m currently speaking to the other . So far I feel sick at what he’s told her

Gobsmacked at the brassneckery of this man!!! What a total prick!!

I'm so glad you're kicking arse though OP. Don't put up with that shit ever.

That's what these blokes do though. They sense you're in a vulnerable place and then jump in. Awful. It's very predatory.

What did April woman say on the phone?

Bluntness you couldn’t be further from the truth . He would have fed me some crock of shit if I’d told him I knew .plus I thought the suggestion to hit him in the ego was perfect . I think telling him I’m not into him firmly slams the door ! But I will not be accused of being a nutter .