Found out I’ve been cheated on for two years

[JudgeandJury]

In a nutshell I started seeing a man two years ago who had been a Facebook friend for many years having met through mutual friends but it never went further until two years ago when we started talking quite a bit . After initially being very full on he pulled back saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship but just wanted to go with the flow . Unfortunately I fell in love with him and therefore invested way more than I should . His family all know me and can’t believe that he refuses to label us . I’ve met friends of his however was always introduced as the “friend” which crucified me . We have done a lot together and spend a lot of time together yet I’m just a friend . He’s never treated me like a FWB more like a girlfriend and believe me we have had many exhausting fall outs where I’ve challenged him over his refusal to acknowledge our so called relationship . Incidentally he calls constantly .. I probably see and hear more from him than my ex husband when we were together .
A few months ago I stepped back finally realising that he was probably never going to commit .. worked on my self esteem and started having a more fulfilling social life . This has caused him to literally pursue me like crazy . Surprise surprise but still a refusal to call me his girlfriend .
Last week out of the blue I had a Facebook message request from someone on his fb list . A woman who I know he has known for many years .she said quite simply . That I had to stop harassing him ! That he had made it clear to me he wasn’t interested and why could I not leave him alone ?! I was absolutely flabbergasted . When I told her we had been seeing each other she accused me of being a stalker and said he had been confiding in her for months about his “friend” who had an unrequieted crush on him . I felt physically sick and told her I didn’t believe her so she then forwarded me screenshots of his messages to her . He had been whining to her since April about me ! He had told her that I was a friend with benefits who had developed deeper feelings for him do he’d ended it but that id been unable to take no for an answer . In a very recent message she had asked him if I was behaving he had replied that it was difficult to keep someone st arms length who liked him a lot but that he’d drawn a line under it and wasn’t seeing me at all . Bloody liar . I had no desire to enter into further conversation and basically told her where to go then went to see him . Waited until he was asleep and opened his iPad . An hour later of reading his messages (and yes I know it was wrong but I needed to know just how much of a liar he was ) I had concluded that a year ago he was seeing someone else for a four months . He had been chasing at least four old female fb friends and had slept with one the day after telling me how much he loved me and recently was chasing a young model . A fb friend he had known for years and in between telling two other female friends that I was a friend who he didn’t find in the least bit attractive So .. It’s over ! He’s a pathological liar and is obviously constantly searching for validation and doesn’t consider me girlfriend material . I am ending this fast but do I tell him what I know ? I can’t confess to snooping but I can tell him about the friend contacting me however he’ll orobably give me some story about how he was confused and or put it all on me .
Incidentally he contacted one woman he had slept with who had messaged him saying she didn’t want to see him again because she felt he wasn’t treating me fairly and was leading me on .. saying that she never gave him s chance to let him know how he felt about her ..
shall I tell him what I know .. do I message these women and tell them what a piece of shit he is .. or do I was walk away with no explanation ? I actually feel sick at how he lied to me for two years and made a fool of me 😞

Ah, you'll be fine op, it's just rhe shock of finding out who he really is.

What a horrible man though.dishonest, disrespectful, making people think you're a stalker, that you hassle him, that you can't take no for an answer. I genuinely don't understand how he could even look you in the eye.

This isn't some kid either, it's a man knocking on fifty. There is seriously something wrong with him. A phsychopathic narcissist. It's such a shit way to treat someone, even your worst enemy gets better than this.

Yeah as above... you have not been an idiot. Most people have been in similar positions. We all live and learn. This is a hard one but you will have learnt something from it. I'll give you an action plan if you like... this is how it always seemed to go for me.

1. Firstly, sit and wallow in a duvet watching Sex and the City with a tub of ice cream, and cry at the bits where Big treats Carrie like shit. Or a sad movie. Cry. Alot. Get lots of tissues. Grieve the person you thought he was. You are allowed to feel shit. Allow that hurt to escape and come out.

2. Secondly, be kind to yourself. Do some things that make you feel good. Meet up with some mates, go to the cinema, spend some money on frivolous things, do your hair or make up just for you, go for a night out and get bladdered. Go for a massage. Do some self-care. It's deeply important.

3. Get angry/quietly confident/independent. This is the stage where you realise what a complete fuckwit that man was for even treating you like he did and what he's fucking missed out on. More fool him! Get angry that he treated you like shit. How dare he! How dare he disrespect you as a person this way?! Be happy that you're single and you got out when you did. Be happy you are you. Feel sorry for the prick that he's never going to establish a real, meaningful relationship and will probably end up being on his own until he rots. Go out lots. Dance to music in your front room with proper sassy moves 😂 this is my favourite phase btw.

4. When you're ready, go and date 😊 nothing serious, just test the waters. You'll have learnt some new red flags and you'll be wiser than before. And you're not going to put up with that shit again. Don't put any pressure on anything. But above all, set the bar very fucking high. If there's anything to take away from my ridiculously long post, it's this. There is no reason why you can't have it all. You CAN have a man that is kind, gentle, caring, loving, funny, sexy, hot, damn good in bed, honest and faithful. They do exist... you just have to sift through the shit a bit 😂 but never, ever drop your standards or settle for less than you want. IME, that's where the pitfalls come. As soon as you lower standards, the shitbags come running 😂😂😂

I truly hope you feel better soon OP. It's horrible going through this but you WILL feel better soon, you WILL survive without him. In time, you'll be laughing at the poor sod. What an emotionally stunted man! Please don't berate yourself, we all do it and get ourselves into similar situations. The important thing is to learn and get some of your self back; your self esteem and confidence to be precise. That man has sucked some of that out of you but you can get it back. Be strong



He told the woman I spoke to last night that he’d always had feelings for her 😞 she showed me a screenshot of a message he sent recently on Instagram which she ignored saying “you never gave me s chance to tell you how I really feel about you “ I feel sick . I think I’ve just been a stop gap because he couldn’t have her

I can categorically tell you that is not the case OP.

This man uses women. He uses women to feel better about himself. He used the woman you talked to. He used you. He's using everyone else too. It would never work for anyone to be with him.

Please see this. This man only thinks about himself. You were not a stop gap. He talks to you the same way he talks to everyone else. He builds people up, makes them feel so special to him, breaks down their defences and then bolts... completely breaking them and making them feel like they did something wrong.

He will continue to do this. If he is doing this at 50 years old, you can bet your bottom dollar that he will not change. People like him don't.

Just to say please google narcissistic personality disorder - sounds very much like he has it.

What a prick, I’d find that ‘please leave him alone’ message INFURIATING

I think I’ve just been a stop gap because he couldn’t have her

That's not true op. He's been going after other women too. You probably don't even know all of it. In her case I suspect it's because she has said no. Which relates back to my earlier comment on bruising his ego, it will have him come running back. Sadly I've met this type of wanker before. The thrill is in the chase and he can't accept any woman doesn't want him.

I have a man, someone I have known for nearly twenty years, a married man, successful, classically good looking and he periodically crawls out the wood work, contacts me and hits on me. I know full well the issue is he can't get his head round the fact I've never been interested and have always said no. It's like there is a nasty element to him. I should say yes, and the fact I don't infuriates him. A few times he moved to being almost demanding, and deeply unpleasant when I rejected him once more.

The worst part is not only is he married, but on the face of it, happily so, and his wife is gorgeous and a few years younger, she's my age. She's also a lovely person, much nicer than him.

For him, it's not about me, it's about the fact I have always said no.

Bluntness, so true, for this type of man, the natural order is out of kilter. You ought to have validated him so now he feels the space of the vacuum.

I’m really struggling to think straight right now . This has opened a far bigger can of worms than I ever imagined

Forget him and move on. What is the point in causing drama? It won't achieve anything - he won't change and stirring it all up will only make you look like a possessed demented mad woman. Keep your dignity and walk away. No reason necessary - you don't need to explain anything to him. I doubt he would care anyway.

You really need to be honest with yourself and see this relationship for what it was. Yes he lied, but he also has been pretty consistent in not committing himself to you. I would not have wasted so much of my time on someone who would go no further than introducing me as a 'friend'. Respect yourself OP

What do you mean op, that it's opened a bigger can of worms?

I meant in that I deserve everything I get . Which is probably some horrible STI for starters . I feel sick at my own stupidity . He played the part of some poor confused soul who had been damaged by a past relationship breakdown and I went along with it . But actually he’s a sleazy manipulative piece of shit who couldn’t have cared if I lived or died and was feeding everyone a load of rubbish about how he couldn’t have managed without me during tough times but now I had become obsessive . I feel ashamed and embarrassed and I hate him so much .

No op, you don't deserve it. No one deserves this, and uou certainly don't deserve it for being a nice trusting person.

Has he tried to get in contact?

“You never gave me a chance etc etc” is just another one of his lines.

You aren’t stupid. If you are, then most of us probably are too. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t fallen for some line at one time or another. It’s just that he’s very good at what he does so you didn’t see it til now. Don’t blame yourself for being trusting and wanting to be loved. That’s absolutely normal!

Please stop castigating yourself. Be proud of the fact that you have a loving heart. Congratulate yourself for now seeing the truth and doing something about it! And be patient with yourself. Time will heal and you will move on.

No he hasn’t but this isn’t unusual behaviour . His MO if I dare question anything or dare to pull away us to ignore me for about 48 hours before contacting me as though nothing has happened and talking to me and about us as though we were a couple .

In fact one time when I very nearly did end it back in June . He messaged me the next day after I told him what I thought of him saying “have you calmed down yet ? “

OP endlessly going over his MO and past behaviours will do you no good. He is simply a warped man who constantly needs to pursue and 'win' women.
As a PP said, millions of us have been hoodwinked by men like this. It's still raw now, but try not to give him so much headspace - do you think he's agonising over YOU like this? Nope.

If he does that again, get turned OFF. I know you're turned off but you're also hurt and connected to him still. Focus on what a turn off it is, that he completely invalidates your voice, your logical emotional response to being treated badly - that is ''drama'' to him. ie, you've no right to a legitimately emotional response to his crap. He rolls his eyes basically and says ''have you calmed down''. This is his blind spot. He doesnt see the hypocracy and the lack of logic there. He thinks he's reasonable, so there's no discussion. Just get turned off and stay turned off

@major .. I was slowly getting more and more that way anyway . The scales were falling from my eyes recently in terms of that I realised he was not what I wanted in a man . I knew he was thoughtless and selfish . I found myself wondering if something really bad happened . Would he be there for me and I realised no he wouldn’t . His unattractive qualities were slowing coming through . He never apologises. Never takes responsibility . I deserve better

I developed a radar for manipulative men like this when I was younger. I was so cynical about most men’s motives because a number of Times I had snogged someone in a club or whatever and be talking to them afterwards and his mate woukd say “he has mentioned he has a girlfriend, hasn’t he?”. I would never knowingly go near anyone who was in a relationship but it often turned out that they were. So I wasn’t on the lookout for a relationship for a long time, I was happy with just a bit of fun and not being strung along by anyone who I just assumed would also be a cheating manipulative narcissist.

There was one memorable time I had slept with this bloke (it was a one-night stand, it was clear we both just wanted a bit of fun but it was actually quite crap!) and in the morning he asked to use my phone (pre-mobile). In front of me he actually rang his girlfriend and asked if she could pick him up from the station.

I was like this . 5 minutes later he was saying he really liked me, his girlfriend was boring and “let’s go back into the bedroom and make love.” I just laughed at his cringey line and told him where the bus stop was.

They all tried using the same bulllshit lines, well practised in what they think women want to hear in whatever situation they were in. In the end I never even tried to appear polite, I just used to laugh and say “what do I want your number for? That was a one nighter, you know that as much as I do”. And they would look SHOCKED that I didn’t want to carry it on any further. Their ego was indeed bruised!

a couple would try it on again if we bumped into each other at the same venue. “I’m not with my girlfriend anymore and I’m glad, cos you’re here and you’re looking so fit.”etc etc yawn. Bullshit alert.

These types of men had a different woman every single time I saw them. Probably tellkngthrm the same old lines, and indeed collecting them for their little garden of women!

This was pre mobiles, so pre texting, pre social media, FB, Instagram etc! I imagine it would be very easy to be drawn in with all that stuff available now to feed the narrative. I think if I hadn’t had my time as a single person years ago and seen the way so many men behave, I woukd just assume that’s how all men operated. But saying they’re “not ready to label it/commit” is pure bullshitting.

Incidentally I did meet DH when I was in my early 20s. Thought it would just be a bit of fun initially but very soon his behaviour led me to believe otherwise. No bullshit about not being ready to commit or whatever. He was just open and honest almost straight away about having really strong feelings for me, calling me his girlfriend (to everyone) after about a month of seeing each other twice a week. No ambiguity. And same for me.

There ARE decent blokes out there, OP. But as the old saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. This bloke is one of your common or garden frogs, he just spins a good yarn, is all.

Don’t waste any more energy or time engaging in his childish narcissistic games. He would probably enjoy the drama he is creating if he read this thread.

Every time I challenged his behaviour he would say . “If you stop acting like this then maybe I would have wanted to commit but all you are doing is making me realise it would never work “

What?! What a shit! I’m afraid that’s the point where I would have said “you’re right, it would never work.” And walked away.

That was a MASSIVE red flag of manipulation right there. It’s a shame you missed it at the time, but at least you’ve got it now.

Curly haired assassin I think part of my problem is that I met my husband in my early twenties and was with him for twenty years so when I got chucked back into single life after the novelty wore off I panicked and hey presto this twat comes along

@judgeandjUry, I feel for you because about 14 months ago my head was in ribbons trying to make sense out of what had just happened to me.

If you were in a really confident place you would know that that doesn't work for you. No, no. You having to prove yourself to a flawed man? No. NO.

I knew rationally and intellectually that I was worthy of being the clear, obvious first choice of somebody I was involved with. But I had this ingrained people pleasing habit of falling in to line with somebody else's agenda. I have lost that now. I will never go along with somebody else's agenda.

Let it be the lesson you needed to learn so that you can ''honour'' your own agenda by not compromising and not falling in to step with what isn't what you want (but that blocks you getting what you want).