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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found out I’ve been cheated on for two years

213 replies

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 10:40

In a nutshell I started seeing a man two years ago who had been a Facebook friend for many years having met through mutual friends but it never went further until two years ago when we started talking quite a bit . After initially being very full on he pulled back saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship but just wanted to go with the flow . Unfortunately I fell in love with him and therefore invested way more than I should . His family all know me and can’t believe that he refuses to label us . I’ve met friends of his however was always introduced as the “friend” which crucified me . We have done a lot together and spend a lot of time together yet I’m just a friend Hmm . He’s never treated me like a FWB more like a girlfriend and believe me we have had many exhausting fall outs where I’ve challenged him over his refusal to acknowledge our so called relationship . Incidentally he calls constantly .. I probably see and hear more from him than my ex husband when we were together .
A few months ago I stepped back finally realising that he was probably never going to commit .. worked on my self esteem and started having a more fulfilling social life . This has caused him to literally pursue me like crazy . Surprise surprise but still a refusal to call me his girlfriend .
Last week out of the blue I had a Facebook message request from someone on his fb list . A woman who I know he has known for many years .she said quite simply . That I had to stop harassing him ! That he had made it clear to me he wasn’t interested and why could I not leave him alone ?! I was absolutely flabbergasted . When I told her we had been seeing each other she accused me of being a stalker and said he had been confiding in her for months about his “friend” who had an unrequieted crush on him . I felt physically sick and told her I didn’t believe her so she then forwarded me screenshots of his messages to her . He had been whining to her since April about me ! He had told her that I was a friend with benefits who had developed deeper feelings for him do he’d ended it but that id been unable to take no for an answer . In a very recent message she had asked him if I was behaving Angry he had replied that it was difficult to keep someone st arms length who liked him a lot but that he’d drawn a line under it and wasn’t seeing me at all . Bloody liar . I had no desire to enter into further conversation and basically told her where to go then went to see him . Waited until he was asleep and opened his iPad . An hour later of reading his messages (and yes I know it was wrong but I needed to know just how much of a liar he was ) I had concluded that a year ago he was seeing someone else for a four months . He had been chasing at least four old female fb friends and had slept with one the day after telling me how much he loved me and recently was chasing a young model . A fb friend he had known for years and in between telling two other female friends that I was a friend who he didn’t find in the least bit attractive Sad So .. It’s over ! He’s a pathological liar and is obviously constantly searching for validation and doesn’t consider me girlfriend material . I am ending this fast but do I tell him what I know ? I can’t confess to snooping but I can tell him about the friend contacting me however he’ll orobably give me some story about how he was confused and or put it all on me .
Incidentally he contacted one woman he had slept with who had messaged him saying she didn’t want to see him again because she felt he wasn’t treating me fairly and was leading me on .. saying that she never gave him s chance to let him know how he felt about her ..
shall I tell him what I know .. do I message these women and tell them what a piece of shit he is .. or do I was walk away with no explanation ? I actually feel sick at how he lied to me for two years and made a fool of me 😞

OP posts:
JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 18:11

Blue dog yes I’ve just been a pretend girlfriend . His friends all knew what was going on as did his family

OP posts:
JellieEllie · 23/10/2018 18:16

I do feel for you it isn't nice to know for certain you have been betrayed in the worst way.
I wouldn't message any of the women (you will look bitter and scorned)
I wouldn't answer the phone to him ever again. Completely ghost him.
It will be hard but you are worth more do you not think?
Don't even expect an explanation unless you want more lies.
The best closure you can have is knowing you never have to look at him or be taken in by his lies again.

MajorArcana · 23/10/2018 18:25

jellieellie, whilst that is true, these characters also hold back a lot of truth because they know they can't deliver the truth with tipp-exing over this bit and the other bit and ''spinning'' like they had a pr firm. I can see now that I failed to put my own agenda first. I can see now that I allowed my love for the gentle, charismatic, entertaining, attentive affectionate supportive character BLIND me to the fact that he was choosing not to be my actual boyfriend. But I fell for the spin. IN my defence, the first time I heard the words ''why am I not good enough to be his girlfriend?'' go through my head, I walked away. I only regret now that I called him out on his behaviour. Told him his actions weren't congruent with his words. Told him no mature adults enters in to a sexual relationship with adult who clearly adores them without being mindful of the feelings that will be involved. So I TRIED to shame him for being such a user and but he had a TOTAL BLIND spot and he was having none of it. From his POV it was always my choice. The fact that he span a network of spin around me to make me make that choice was NOT something he was going to feel any guilt over. He probably thinks I was ''drama'' even though at the end I was very articulate telling him why his behaviour had been crap.

So, shout out to op if she's still here, please please please just tell him that youv'e gone off him. say something like ''no feeling it any more, can't muster up the energy to keep meeting up, good bye and good luck''.

Then if he responds, forward THAT to his new women as it'll also prove you're no stalker. IF you go back at him all hurt that supports his stalker narrative. Do not let him away with it!

MajorArcana · 23/10/2018 18:27

@judgeandjury, if it makes you feel any better, I met one of his friends and he introduced me as his 'friend' and his male friend looked at him and said ''oh pleeease''. in a dead pan what are you doing voice. I can only imagine he had form.

MajorArcana · 23/10/2018 18:29

@judgeandjury, absolutely if the arrangement had been marketed as a shag/fwb you could say no thank you!

You're trying to figure out what it is. And at the beginning of any genuine relationship you ALSO have to figure that out gradually, so therein lies the TRAP

thethoughtfox · 23/10/2018 18:31

This is awful but you were told repeatedly he would not commit to being with you.

HeckyPeck · 23/10/2018 19:05

So, shout out to op if she's still here, please please please just tell him that youv'e gone off him. say something like ''no feeling it any more, can't muster up the energy to keep meeting up, good bye and good luck''.

Then if he responds, forward THAT to his new women as it'll also prove you're no stalker. IF you go back at him all hurt that supports his stalker narrative. Do not let him away with it!

I agree with this (if you haven’t already messaged him)

You’re well rid OP!

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 19:08

Major thank you for those links and thanks for the suggestion of bruising his ego . I’m going to do it . It’s nothinv more than he deserves

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 23/10/2018 19:12

Exactly OP. I did similar to my cheating ex (he still doesn’t know I knew he was a cheat) and he was still smarting about it a year later.

He definitely does deserve it OP.

FairyFace · 23/10/2018 19:18

Oh I had one of these before I met DH, was so nice and lovely to my face, yes we weren't in a relationship but I was stone mad about him and we saw each other for 2 years, he made a complete fool out of me, was seeing women left right and centre, and told me he just wasn't able to commit, thank god I got over him, and like that if I started to try pull away from him it was like he got a thrill out of the chase. Some men have no self esteem or morals!

HereIgoagainxx · 23/10/2018 20:23

I don't think the op is so annoyed at the other women, more that he was completely dismissive of her and lied and let her appear a stalker. What kind of guy sleeps with a woman and rubbishes her completely behind her back?. An absolute creep.

I wouldn't give two hoots what the other women thought of me, but there is no way I'd not defend my character by explaining my side, i.e. what this liar was saying to me.

As before, it's not often I'd say engage, but this time, hell yes. Then block.

Op, you are 100 per cent available now to meet a real man. One that us honest and respectful.

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 22:17

Thoughtfox no he didn’t ..though he kept making false promises of a commitment .. just not now etc and I was idiot enough to believe him

OP posts:
MajorArcana · 23/10/2018 22:31
Getting turned off, and communicating that is the way forward.
LuggsaysNotaWomen · 23/10/2018 22:45

He was your “low ebb” relationship. Many of us have had them, I know I have.

The great thing about these kind of relationships is that they are a gold mine of useful information about our dysfunctional patterns, our boundaries (or lack of them) and amazing object lessons in how to spot a pathetic wankstain from fifty paces.

You did nothing wrong and you are on the right track in working on your self esteem. Forget the wannabe Casanova, don’t date for a bit, get happy and then look for love.

He is destined to repeat a pattern that will only ever result in loneliness and misery. You are not. Be thankful you’re not him. Flowers

JudgeandJury · 23/10/2018 22:50

Here I go again
This is what annoys me that other women think I’m a nutter 😳
Major Thank you for all these links 😊

OP posts:
shuthefrontdoor · 23/10/2018 23:02

Have you texted him? X

JudgeandJury · 24/10/2018 01:05

Ok after much deliberation and sorting the DCs this evening I sent him this :
Xxx I’m afraid I don’t think it’s a good idea to go away together . I’ve been thinking and Im just not feeling this anymore . None of it is working for me and I dont feel that spark anymore . I’m sorry but I think it’s time we went our seperate ways .I only sent it about 45 minutes ago by which time he will have gone to bed . He did try to call earlier but I ignored it .

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 24/10/2018 02:00

Excellent work, OP! Flowers

Feckers2018 · 24/10/2018 02:40

Brilliant work. Do not answer his calls even if you want to. It will drive him crazy. Ha!

HereIgoagainxx · 24/10/2018 03:11

I'm with Feckers, don't reply (I'm sure you won't).

Also prepare to maybe beiing sad. It's sad when people turn out not to be the people we thought or want them to be.

You've done the right thing by stopping contact. I'm sure he is going to find the hit to the who difficult to cope with.

Well done x

Butterfly44 · 24/10/2018 03:52

That's great. Good suggestions here. I know you feel like telling him you know and sending the ow screenshots - I would be too - but this is actually better. If you put yourself in his shoes....telling him you know and are ending it gives him reason. This way you are in control and will leave him feeling perplexed. Paints you strong than a woman scorned. Good luck OP. Stay strong!! You are worth more.

penisbeakers · 24/10/2018 04:24

Send screenshots to the other women he's involved with, and then walk away. The evidence can speak for itself, and then you can move on with your life.

Monty27 · 24/10/2018 04:35

Open a FB group chat and invite the other women. Then invite him after you have all shared notes. Then make marmalade out of him.
He's a prick of the highest degree. Angry

PoxAlert · 24/10/2018 08:01

Well done OP.

Too late now but what I'd have done is screenshotted loads of the chats when you were on his iPad.

And then posted them on his Facebook, tagging all the women.

Then if he was asleep you'd have had a good few hours of people seeing what a twat he really is.

MajorArcana · 24/10/2018 08:31

Well done OP
He is one optuin down!
Nothing could have injured him more than being one option down. 🙄

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