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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My new bf has disappeared...

275 replies

DizzyBeeme · 20/10/2018 19:32

Hello all...

I wonder if anybody can help..my new partner has literally gone awol. We have been together for nearly 6 weeks now and he calls / txts me about 20 times a day . He is really into me and we have a lovely relationship. He lives about 2 hours drive from me. On Wednesday I received a distressed phone call from him..saying some friends had stabbed him in the back and..he sounded broken and said it was not my fault..I then got a flurry of txts from him..and a final txt at 6.50pm saying his phone was out of battery and his body really hurts... he sounded panicked and very distressed. I tried to call/message back but phone was off by this point.

Since then. Nothing. His phone is switched off. I don't have any family or friends numbers yet..and apart from drive down to try and find the man..I do not know what to do.

I'm thinking Maybe he needs a few days to sort himself out...he has not been on Facebook or any social media at all. He is a responsibly physiotherapist with a great job..I'm st my wits end ladies. I really really care for him..
I just dont know what to do.. help..

OP posts:

Chalkhillblu3 · 20/10/2018 21:11

It's worrying that he was contacting you 20+ times a day before this happened. Physios have patients with them all the time. They do not have time for casual texting.

You do not get a spreading rash from friends being nasty to you. If he was in pain and really is a physio he would know what to do, he wouldn't panic.

Nothing fits together. Have a think back to the time before the incident and really ask yourself if there was anything else that seemed odd.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/10/2018 21:11

I'd be concerned as well. If he's ok then I'd dump him. You don't need the drama.

Yeah I meant to add this bit. I'd get a welfare check made; but if he's fine, that'd be it. God knows what he'd do to celebrate a year...

Maelstrop · 20/10/2018 21:11

20 texts a day? That alone would have made me run the fuck away.

BrendasUmbrella · 20/10/2018 21:11

People tend to say things like "Oh God please" in conversation. Deliberately texting it makes me think he wanted you to be upset and worried about him. (Of course I don't know what you had texted, maybe I'm missing context.)

If you don't hear back from his friends or him, call the police tomorrow and ask them to do a wellness check. Keep his texts though, just in case there really is nothing wrong with him and he tells the police a story that makes you look bad. Unlikely, but you never know.

I hope everything's okay.

TatterdemalionAspie · 20/10/2018 21:12

Not quite understanding the people saying that he's ghosting you/withdrawing... surely if you want to fade out of someone's life, you don't do it by sending ultra-dramatic messages about having rashes and saying 'oh god, please'...!

He's either a drama-llama who's creating a big ol' crisis, or he's in genuine need, but I wouldn't say he's ghosting you.

Have you rung him? I'd say you need to contact him to make sure he's ok, at the least, considering the tone of the messages he's sent. If he's ok, then drop him like a hot brick for mucking you about/dramatising like that, but do him the service of checking on him first, at least.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 20/10/2018 21:13

Have you tried ringing him from a different phone?

theworldistoosmall · 20/10/2018 21:13

Op says in her post she has rung him and the phone is off.

alwayswingingit · 20/10/2018 21:13

Sounds too dramatic, and you sound too invested considering you've been together for 6 weeks. Not to be rude, but I sense that you are probably needy/vulnerable/full on and he senses that, and instead of being a big boy and letting you down gentle, he has found it easy to just ghost you.

Something similar happened to me once, and I fell for it. It was total bullocks, he wasn't dead, he wasn't injured, just didn't want to be with me. Hurt a lot, but I have learned my lesson.

lesleythelezzer · 20/10/2018 21:14

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TatterdemalionAspie · 20/10/2018 21:14

I agree with PP, also, about how overly-dramatic this has all been. 20+ texts a day is not normal, and he's not your 'partner' after a handful of weeks of knowing him. I would be checking out whether he's an actual physio - easy to do with a bit of googling.

VladmirsPoutine · 20/10/2018 21:15

On another note - this stood out to me too:

I came out of a horribly abusive marriage over 2 years ago..and just want a normal relationship that's all..

You came out of an abusive marriage just 2 years ago. I don't know how long you were with your ex husband or what form the abuse took but what I do know is that abuse tends to skew every sense of what is 'normal' and erode personal boundaries to the point of non-existence. To that end, in their quest to find a 'normal' relationship many people who've suffered at the hands of abuse end up walking into another abusive relationship without really knowing or understanding it because their self-esteem, self-worth and sense of self has all but vanished. You ought to proceed with absolute caution so that you don't end up in a cycle of abuse.

The current situation with this man, though it may all turn out to be rather benign has resulted in you being at your wits end and operating on emotional and mental overdrive. That is not healthy for you.

SleepWarrior · 20/10/2018 21:15

I guess you're worried that the rash was either something seriously wrong, or that he was so upset he has done something stupid.

I'd be really worried too.... BUT if he does turn out to be fine, please dump him and run as something really dreadful needs to have happened to him to justify all that fuss and lack then lack of contact. If he's stuck in hospital he can probably be excused!

I really hope you get some answers

Haworthia · 20/10/2018 21:16

I would say the chances of this man having dropped dead shortly after last speaking to you are pretty low. Unfortunately for you, that’s kind of the best scenario you can hope for.

It seems much more likely that he had some skeletons in his closet and is now ghosting you. Agreeing with everyone who says this is way too much drama for someone you’ve only known for six weeks. Huge red flag.

Scrumptiousbears · 20/10/2018 21:16

Have you actually met up with him OP?

PattiStanger · 20/10/2018 21:17

I'm not clear about whether you've actually met up. Do you know where he works? Can you get a male friend to ring him at work in with some excuse, if he's there give him up as a bad job. If not maybe something else is going on.

Womanlikeme · 20/10/2018 21:20

The things he is complaining of don’t add up ie his friends have upset him and he has a rash.

Womanlikeme · 20/10/2018 21:20

As in they don’t link up.

Tyksta · 20/10/2018 21:21

6 weeks.....i wouldn't waste another 6 seconds on him. I have been 3 years free from my ex partner who u fled domestic violence from and this guy sounds my ex! Please stay away. Could end up all in tears. If he cared about u he wouldn't have u like this all worried. ⚠️⚠️

hmmwhatatodo · 20/10/2018 21:21

Could be any number of things going on really. He called you 20 times a day? I’d crack up if someone did that to me.

HollowTalk · 20/10/2018 21:21

There are more red flags here than at the Communist Party conference.

First find out if he's a physiotherapist. I'll be amazed if he is.

Holdingonbarely · 20/10/2018 21:23

There are more red flags here than at the Communist Party conference

Best comment ever

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/10/2018 21:25

There are more red flags here than at the Communist Party conference

tartantroosers · 20/10/2018 21:26

Yep. And it's half term coming up so probably off with the family. Or just a prize twat.

Alexindisguise · 20/10/2018 21:26

I hope you find some answers, I can completely understand why you're worried, but as an outsider it does all seem quite unbelievable.

PeachyKeenJellymonster · 20/10/2018 21:27

Bloody hell I hope everything is ok

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