He threw chocolate cake at me?

[Willow789]

DH took DS out earlier, then dropped him at my DM's for a sleepover. He then went to meet his DM for coffee. He said he would be back by 5:15.

I've been on my own all day with DD 4 months. We are going through a bit of a hard time recently, but as a couple we have been fine. I've been feeling very sorry for myself all day and was very excited for DH to come home with the chocolate cake he had promised to pick me up from the coffee shop. At half 4 he messaged me about bad traffic so it will be more like half 5 by the time he gets back. Fine, whatever.

Half past 5 he messages me saying that he's getting my cake now and then leaving but there's bad traffic in the area (there is, local football team is playing today and traffic is always a nightmare).

Quarter past 6 he gets back. By this time I have somehow managed to work myself up about the fact he said he would get back over an hour ago but still isn't home. Hormones, lack of sleep, other stuff going on etc etc. When he gets back I'm having a little cry (pathetic I know) and say to him 'I don't think it's fair you promised me you would be back an hour ago but you have only just come home. I've been on my own all day with DD and I just wanted some help.'

Anyway, that escalated into an argument where he says how he needs a break too, how he should be able to go for coffee etc etc. He's annoying me by this point so I just say leave me alone. He throws the chocolate cake at me, calls me a stupid bitch and storms off.

Wtf?!?! He's never done anything like this before. We barely argue. I'm confused and upset.

My husband finds it hard to apologise too - I don’t know why, it’s alnost as though he sees it as a weakness? I trip over myself to apologise for things, but the one word I’ll never hear from him is ‘sorry’ - he really should have apologised OP, he’s had more than enough time to reflect on his behaviour. That’s really poor.

I think it's because he doesn't realise how hard it is with a newborn. I certainly had no idea before I had mine; and he's never had to do it because OP has always done it.

So he's having disrupted sleep and still having to do go work like normal and feels as if he's struggling through manfully... without realising how utterly insignificant that is to what his wife is doing.

He needs to be left with both kids for a couple of days. Let him do the day shift and the night shift and then the day shift again. Maybe pop back every so often to lie on the sofa and complain about how busy your day has been. Perhaps take DS out for a few hours if he organises it all and packs a bag for DS.

Of course, you'll need to get the bottle feeding going before you can do that, but it'll be worth it...

Jesus. This thread

Ok practically speaking have you tried cosatto close to me? We had a ‘waker’ Baby and the best thing was to have him next to me throughout the night. Our bed wasn’t big enough (and I had panic attacks about squashing him) but this on the side of our bed gave him his own space.

I don’t have much more to add. Other than I’m really surprised he hasn’t apologised. If it was a heat of the moment/breaking point thing and something totally alien to him I would expect him to falling over himself to apologise for his awful behaviour.

Hope you get some rest with your parents. They sound lovely and just the support you need.

I'm not kidding btw. He's their Dad. He should be capable of caring for them single-handed. I think it would be a revelatory moment for him.

So the fact that you have actually removed the children and yourself from the household in order to get the support you need hasn't clued him into the facts that:

A) he has let you and the family down by not pulling his weight to support you

B) he's fucked up big time by swearing and throwing something at his wife's face

Don't hurry back to him OP. If he's tired and frustrated at work, he doesn't throw things at his colleagues. Even if they provoke him. He did it because he thinks that it's ok to throw things at you. That won't go away.

@LannieDuck I would love to do that. I think he would probably refuse, but I suppose he would have no choice if I literally sauntered out the door and said 'be back tomorrow!'

Lol, I remember being in the same situation when my youngest was a few months old and oldest was a toddler. My friend had babies the same age and invited me out. I said I couldn't come because ExH couldn't deal with the kids on his own. She very politely and firmly pointed out that her husband was capable and so was mine.

@aaaaargghhhhelpme I think I will be trying co-sleeping as many people have suggested it to me.

I think he probably will apologise...eventually. He's very stubborn which we have had a couple of arguments about over the years but nothing to the point where I've had to literally leave the house to force an apology out of him before

He sounds as if he is struggling too. I know DH- who did take turns getting up at night- was as knackered on the nights he hadn't got up because he had still been awake half the night. He then had to go to work - where there was no room for him to not be on top form- and he found it really hard. Fortunately DS and DD haven't been bad sleepers so it was never a huge problem but I don't think we should be totally unsympathetic to your DH. If DD never sleeps for more than 1-2 hours and is awake crying a lot the rest of the night, he is probably knackered too.
Doesn't excuse him calling you names and throwing cake- he should have apologised.

DS fed hourly in the day, then, after sleeping well at night, started waking every two hours. I burst into tears once because DH was working different hours than I expected, he spoke to his manager, explained the situation and she changed his hours that day. No drama, no shouting at me. No throwing anything. In hindsight I was quite incoherently upset, over an hours difference in what I expected to happen!

On the expressing and trying to feed with a bottle, I'd recommend not trying to give a bottle while you're around. If baby knows you're there they are more likely to refuse. Also don't try when the baby is hungry. I ended up expressing for a break as well, and was very disheartened at the early refusals, but then I went out for a couple of hours and DS took to the bottle!

I have just seen you have another post started yesterday about you being pregnant again after the condom splitting and the pair of you going to discuss it last night when he got in.

It is no wonder the pair of you are stressed.

@LuluJakey1 yes that's correct. Didn't want to mention it on here because I didn't want to be influenced by what people would say based off this post x

I'd be pretty sure the two are not unconnected.

I agree with Lulu in that it's no wonder you're both all over the place, I don't have to state the obvious that he should not have thrown the cake or swore at you, but it makes some sense now why he isn't his usual self OP. You must have thought that too?

@GreatDuckCookery absolutely - but he's been fine all week that's why I was confused about the sudden outburst.

Wow, that's certainly a lot to take in. But it doesn't really put the cake in the face in a better light.

OP, you’ve done exactly what I advised on page one and you seem much clearer headed now. How great your parents stepped up.

But your partner worries me. You leaving light to have really worried him and made him rethink his own behaviour. No apology for swearing and throwing things at you is Really Bad.

That was abusive. And the fact he doesn’t see it is a red flag.

Actually, if anything I can understand more why you are exhausted and emotional and wanting him to be home on time.

I think out of the pair of them I’d say it would be more understandable that the pregnant one isn’t her ‘usual self’. He goes to work and that’s it. He even gets every Saturday morning lie in and to himself. Cry him a river.

It's a lot for you both to process, he may have been ok initially but then as the week has gone on it's dawned on him how much work this would entail and especially given how you've found sleeping, feeding hard in parts and have been emotional too this week.

@GreatDuckCookery the pregnancy wasn't planned. We have both already considered a termination due to the sleep deprivation, the PND etc etc. We just hadn't made our decision yet. He was the one who suggested a termination first. I understand why he is stressed, I really do. We both are, but the more I think about the fact he threw something (albeit something soft) in the face of me, his pregnant wife who had his 4 month old daughter in his arms the more I feel sick to my stomach to be honest

He's allowed to be worried or concerned about having another baby when your youngest is currently 4 months old. Obviously I don't know if this is the case but I wouldn't be surprised.

OP I'm totally with you on the cake throwing and the swearing. The fact you're pregnant doesn't change what I think about him doing that, just that it could the reason for it.

@GreatDuckCookery yes I agree - it will probably be the reason behind it

God this was the ultimate drip feed wasn't it. I just didn't want to say 'I'm pregnant and we don't know if we are going to keep it' because I didn't want people saying 'I wouldn't want a baby with that man' etc and that affecting my judgment.