He threw chocolate cake at me?

[Willow789]

DH took DS out earlier, then dropped him at my DM's for a sleepover. He then went to meet his DM for coffee. He said he would be back by 5:15.

I've been on my own all day with DD 4 months. We are going through a bit of a hard time recently, but as a couple we have been fine. I've been feeling very sorry for myself all day and was very excited for DH to come home with the chocolate cake he had promised to pick me up from the coffee shop. At half 4 he messaged me about bad traffic so it will be more like half 5 by the time he gets back. Fine, whatever.

Half past 5 he messages me saying that he's getting my cake now and then leaving but there's bad traffic in the area (there is, local football team is playing today and traffic is always a nightmare).

Quarter past 6 he gets back. By this time I have somehow managed to work myself up about the fact he said he would get back over an hour ago but still isn't home. Hormones, lack of sleep, other stuff going on etc etc. When he gets back I'm having a little cry (pathetic I know) and say to him 'I don't think it's fair you promised me you would be back an hour ago but you have only just come home. I've been on my own all day with DD and I just wanted some help.'

Anyway, that escalated into an argument where he says how he needs a break too, how he should be able to go for coffee etc etc. He's annoying me by this point so I just say leave me alone. He throws the chocolate cake at me, calls me a stupid bitch and storms off.

Wtf?!?! He's never done anything like this before. We barely argue. I'm confused and upset.

poor man FFS.

@KataraJean I've just told him that I'm tired and they're helping - thank you.

And you're right, if he was a decent father he would arrange it with me. Time will tell I suppose.

I don't think this is the end, but it's definitely taught me that something needs to change in our house.

This may seem blunt, but it seems to me that if your H had misgivings about another baby to the extent that he has suggested a termination, and if he is genuinely concerned about your PND and sleeplessness and the general awfulness then he really, really should have used a condom, and not risked pregnancy.

He has done absolutely everything wrong here, imo, from having the OP take the risk of pregnancy (it's her body after all) to not stepping up on weekends with the older child, to whining about time off, to leaving the OP to deal with the baby on on her own 24/7, to doing God knows what on Saturday, and finally taking out whatever frustration he feels (poor diddums) by a violent gesture.

He needs to assess whether he is really on board with this relationship and with family life, and he needs to man up.

He did use a condom - it split. Says on the other thread.

He has also said he would welcome another baby but will do whatever OP wants.

willow dint beat yourself up or think your u are doing something awful.
It’s totally ok for a 3yo not to see their dad for a few days. Many many children are in this position because daddy is gong away for work or because they are going away on hols with mummy whilst daddy carries on working.
The question for. Your ds is normal if he always has been his dad there when he is at your parents. It don’t make it what it isn’t. Aka a huge thing.

Just tell him that you are going to stay at nana for a few days and daddy isn’t here because he is going to work. That’s it.
If you try to go back home so he can his dad etc etc, you are making the situation ‘not normal’ for him. It’s going to make it harder for him in the long run.

Btw i fully agree that kne of the best way to make him understand is to leave him with both dcs on his own.
To leave him with them AND expect a clean house when you some back home, the shopping done and Dc1 taken to his usual activities.

He has no fucking clue. Really none.

Spoke to DH, apologised for overreacting for him getting home late. Explained how overtired I was, how depressed I've been feeling, how I'm at my wits end with DD not sleeping and that I'm not sure how long I can carry on with little to no help from him. He's said he's tired too and that when she wakes me up he also wakes up. Also talking about how he works everyday and I don't. He didn't apologise for throwing the cake nor the name calling.

You are married to an utter twat, sorry. A sorry excuse for a man and even a sorry excuse for a human being.

MANCHILD! Sorry but to all those saying they would have done the same?! stop trying to be a toddler and grow the fuck up.

OK, apologies wrt the condom.

But - are there other ways he could help his wife cope with life with a non-sleeping baby and small child? Did it have to be sex? I sincerely hope it was mind blowing sex for the OP, and that it made up for all the ways he treats her so badly, and for all the resentment he apparently has for her life of leisure during mat leave.

Or was it a case of 'ask not what you can do for your wife who has not slept for four months, but ask instead what she can do for you'?

Just one last word.
I wouldn’t apologise to him again for bursting into tears when he came back home si much later than planned.
Because by doing so you are telling him that he was right to be upset and angry.

Telling him ‘I was wrong to do that BUT ...’ is like trying to find excuses for a behaviour knowing that those excuses are likely to be very poor.
He isn’t going to listen to what follows the BUT.

Spending the whole day out in the circumstances your describe isn’t acceotable.
Telling you he will back at x time and then nit do it and coming back even later isn’t acceptable.
Giving you no help what so ever isnt isn’t acceptable.
Let alone being aggressive and throwing stuff at you (soft or hard).

You need to get VERY assertive on what your needs are and what you need him to do. You need to be very clear about what HIS role as a father and a husband is.
Don’t fall into the trap of accept things that you shouldn’t accept just to sweeten him. (Which is exactly what apologising is, in that case. Something that we, as women, we have been taught to do again and again)

Amen to that, MyBrexitIsIll

Willow I hope you come to a decision that works for you. I hope your husbands sorts his head out. I hope you get the help you need from your GP. I had a baby who only slept 2 hours at a time and a useless DH. (Ex DH now as my view of him changed so much, his behavior and lack of support caused me to walk away a few years later. )
That time was honestly the single hardest period of my life. I felt so inadequate, so depressed and so out of control. My heart goes out to you. But this will pass.

My children are grown up now, happy and healthy. We have a wonderful relationship, I have a career that I love, and married to a good man who always supports me. (We do argue about loading the dishwasher correctly)

Oh and Green Lantern. Stop being such a goady green fucker . You have serious issues.

Thank you so much everyone. I need a good nights sleep and then I will talk things through with him. It's clear things need to change in our house - and if we want this baby then we need to both put the work in so that it's not one of us doing everything.

Good Luck Willow I hope you sleep well and you can have a good talk with your DH.

I can’t believe people are saying they would have thrown the cake too , absolute idiots. Op my opinion is that you were a little dramatic and that’s probably due to hormones etc but he should have in no way thrown something at you and called you that. I think maybe you need to approach him and say sorry for over reacting but he should really say sorry too x

Myuser
Op has apologised. (although an exhausted preganant woman with pnd who has a baby who doesnt sleep shouldnt have to apologise for expecting her dp to step up and help her out)

Dp Has not apologised for anything he did

Even if you decide on a termination he needs to start engaging with the work involved in family life, and he owes you a massive, grovelling apology.

Sometimes when we are not censoring ourselves we surprise people who have mistaken our usual forbearance and circumspection and consideration for their feelings for acceptance of their selfish and unreasonable behaviour.

We women are trained from an early age to massage the feelings of others, to filter our thoughts and to mask our emotions, to pick up the pieces and smooth things over and to value harmony and to work to achieve that in relationships no matter what the personal cost to us.

Then when we cry or criticise it all seems most unreasonable to the people whose bad behaviour has elicited that response in us. No wonder - so many men have been conditioned to expect to get away with doing whatever they feel like doing while the little woman holds the fort, saying whatever they feel like saying when they feel stressed, or whatever. It must be very jarring to find, for example, that actually, your wife was feeling a lot of frustration and exhaustion, that you are not the only person in the house who was affected by the presence of a baby who would not sleep. It is time for you to assert yourself, Wilow, and to remind this man very consistently that he owes you far more care, concern and consideration than he has given you up to now.

Do not apologise again to this man. He took your gesture and spat on it.

Quick update - he's just rang me. He's going to work from home all this week and look into condensing his hours at work into 4 days so that he only has to go in on the 5th day if completely necessary.

He's said he's sorry for throwing the cake and calling me a bitch and he's going to pull his weight round the house more. Progress I hope.

Will still be stopping at parents tonight as DS has already gone down for the night but if DH keeps his promises then we will be back home tomorrow to see what can be done.

Thanks all. Will keep you updated

Oh OP things sound really hard! Sending you so much sympathy and glad you have such supportive parents.
It sounds like you are both absolutely at the end of your tethers. He shouldn't have thrown the cake, obviously, but it doesn't mean he's a "bad husband" or any of the other choice words people have called him. If he's usually lovely, take it as a one off bad moment (but he totally needs to apologise!)
I had PND and what made mine worse was my DH shouting, stressing and throwing bottles around. In hindsight we realise he had PND too, despite not being quite as sleep deprived as me. He worried about me and that made his worse, which manifested for him as anger which made mine worse. We now know that 1 in 10 dads has PND, it's more likely if their partner has PND, and it is very common for it to manifest as anger and even uncharacteristic violence in men. If this is what is happening then you both need help to get out the spiral, but it doesn't make him a "dick", "knob" or any of the other things any more than you are "pathetic". You just both need help. Maybe this is something his mum could raise with him? I really hope it all works out for you.

Working from home is a terrible idea ime, sorry.

It means you will be observed (and subject to criticism and undermining) dealing with the house and kids, and there will have to be quiet. He will be under your feet at lunchtime and when you are preparing dinner. He will not be available to help if he has actual tasks to get through. Just another person for you to work around really.

The four day week is fine but not necessarily going to happen.

I would prepare a list of tasks for your H to do on weekends from now on, and also prepare a list of time slots when you want to take the time for yourself and he will take over all baby and childcare. A decent one on weekends and one evening midweek might be nice for you.

He could clean the bathroom, do loads of laundry from start to finish, do the big weekly tidy up and hoovering. He could take your older child out to their activities. You could get to sleep in one day of each weekend while he manages all the feeding, dressing, entertainment and keeping safe of the DCs or even the older one. You need to rest and to rest your mind. He needs to bear his fair share of the mental burden of it all.

As soon as things look up someone pisses on your chips. Bloody typical MN.

YY about the list if things that HE needs to do. Aka the ones he is RESPONSIBLE DOR which means he knows, you are not going to remind him or ‘help him’ and he is going to deal with any consequences if he doesn’t do it.

I’d be weary of him working from home. How much silence does he need? Does he have calls to give for example, to suppliers or customers and couldn’t cope with a crying baby, a toddler having a tantrum etc...?
I’m not sure why he proposed that unless he has a very long journey to go to work. It’s not going to help you in any shape or form as he will still be working.
I suspect he has this very naive idea of what it mean to be at home with two dcs, of working from home etc....

No wonder you are both so stressed.

But I can't help but feel it makes his actions even worse for knowing that.

You have such a lot going on, little wonder you need to sleep

Blue it’s not about that.
It’s aboubthe fact that the DH has no clue at all and is unrealistic in his expectations. Expectations of what it means to be a SAHM. Expectations of what it means to work from home.

If he REALLY wanted to help, he would propose to take over when he is back at home. He would propose to take the dcs away for the am at the weekend so the OP can sleep. He would propose to step up in his role as FATHER.
As it stands, I’m struggling to see how working from home will help the OP.

As I said before, I’d be weary of accepting anything just because ‘things are looking up’. Id be weary of Not stating what the OP needs.
Atm none of her needs have been addressed at all.