Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

He threw chocolate cake at me?

518 replies

Willow789 · 20/10/2018 18:50

DH took DS out earlier, then dropped him at my DM's for a sleepover. He then went to meet his DM for coffee. He said he would be back by 5:15.

I've been on my own all day with DD 4 months. We are going through a bit of a hard time recently, but as a couple we have been fine. I've been feeling very sorry for myself all day and was very excited for DH to come home with the chocolate cake he had promised to pick me up from the coffee shop. At half 4 he messaged me about bad traffic so it will be more like half 5 by the time he gets back. Fine, whatever.

Half past 5 he messages me saying that he's getting my cake now and then leaving but there's bad traffic in the area (there is, local football team is playing today and traffic is always a nightmare).

Quarter past 6 he gets back. By this time I have somehow managed to work myself up about the fact he said he would get back over an hour ago but still isn't home. Hormones, lack of sleep, other stuff going on etc etc. When he gets back I'm having a little cry (pathetic I know) and say to him 'I don't think it's fair you promised me you would be back an hour ago but you have only just come home. I've been on my own all day with DD and I just wanted some help.'

Anyway, that escalated into an argument where he says how he needs a break too, how he should be able to go for coffee etc etc. He's annoying me by this point so I just say leave me alone. He throws the chocolate cake at me, calls me a stupid bitch and storms off.

Wtf?!?! He's never done anything like this before. We barely argue. I'm confused and upset.

OP posts:
OVienna · 21/10/2018 20:25

willow good luck this week. I really hope things will turn the right corner for you. Total empathy for all you're going through. X

BewareOfDragons · 21/10/2018 20:27

Working at home is a terrible idea.

He will need to be working, which means you'll also be additionally stressed trying to keep a toddler and baby quiet in the house for him. You don't need extra stress! Or someone there judging you trying to do everything while you're suffering from massive sleep deprivation.

Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 20:32

@MyBrexitIsIll he will be able to get away with minimal work at home for a week, which is what I think he's thinking. He will probably be on one or two calls a day, an hour each. He has an office at the end of the garden (office/mancave 🙄) that he usually works in so we don't have to worry about noise.

At the moment it's a lot of signing off on reports etc, nothing that involves him doing a lot of work. It'll probably be 3-4 hours max

He used to be my boss - hence the insight!

OP posts:
Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 20:37

So I've spoke to DM about my expectations for the future with DH:

When he gets home from work: putting DS to bed, clearing up after dinner, doing at least one night feed for DD when she has got the hang of the bottle.

Weekends: laundry, hoover, bathrooms, he takes DS to football with DD on a Saturday, takes it in turns with me getting up with DD of a night, prepares DS's food and sits with him whilst he eats.

At the moment I do all of that stuff. Is this fair? Or is this too much considering he usually works 5 days a week?

OP posts:
derxa · 21/10/2018 20:38

That all sounds very positive.

Absofrigginlootly · 21/10/2018 20:38

I'm not even sure if some of the time she is feeding - just suckling for comfort. It's the only thing that stops her screaming.

Only read 1/4 way down so sorry if this has been mentioned but OP that sounds exactly like my DD who screamed, BF constantly and wouldn’t sleep. She had silent reflux, comic, cows milk and soy protein allergies and tongue tie.

Have you been to a DR about your DD??

My lo needed 20mg of omeprazole to achieve symptom control for her reflux and a strict exclusion diet for me whilst BF to set out her allergies. But then she would sleep....!!!!

Sympathies OP, your DH was out of order. I don’t think you’re being needy or pathetic or whatever Hmm I think posters loose perspective on what it feels like to be at home all day alone with a screaming, unsettled non sleeping baby when you’re so tired you can’t think straight. I’ve been there it’s hell.

OP this too shall pass.... Flowers

Absofrigginlootly · 21/10/2018 20:39

Colic not comic

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/10/2018 20:40

Are you happy with that amount OP? If so then yes it's enough.

Hope things work out for you both.

Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 20:41

@Absofrigginlootly we have and he just thinks colic but I'm going to talk to my health visitor at some point this week because it's getting ridiculous now! I will note down what you have said and speak to her about it to see if they're possibilities xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 20:42

@GreatDuckCookery it would certainly help if he did those things

OP posts:
sawbucks · 21/10/2018 20:49

Oh no, OP. Handholding from me.

I can see both sides but I have read the full thread and can see how the stress is making both of you act unreasonably. Saying that, cake in the face is totally out of order.

I really hope you can work it out. It sounds as though he's willing to try which is a great sign. Have you spoken to your GP about PND?

Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 20:51

@sawbucks I'm going tomorrow morning so hopefully some kind of resolution then

OP posts:
Absofrigginlootly · 21/10/2018 21:04

DD sleeps for 1-2 hours max normally. When shes awake she screams almost constantly. She's EBF so nobody else can do the feeds for me. This is just the norm, even when she's not poorly. This week she has been ill. Before last night I had probably slept a total of 5 or 6 hours in 5 days.

OP just read all your posts to the bottom - that sounds exactly like my DD I would put good money on the fact she has silent reflux... what are her poos like?

I used to get 1-2 hours a night sleep and I didn’t have a toddler to look after. My DM lived with me m-f because my DH worked away and I used to sleep in the day when DD napped. She would o my sleep if being held upright so my DM would hold her so I could sleep and get maybe 3 hours in the day to top me up to 5 hours ish in 24 hours. It was the k my way I survived and I was so sleep deprived at one point I alsmosy started hallucinating. I remember watching adverts on tv and thinking in a really fits these way “I don’t know what this is about, what are these noises all about?!” I kept replaying a certain advert over in my head in the middle of the night and when I slept because I was so confused about it.

Sleep deprivation is torturous

Please discuss silent reflux with your GP when you go to discuss your PND

Absofrigginlootly · 21/10/2018 21:06

Sorry for typos! Blush

Absofrigginlootly · 21/10/2018 21:06

Does any of this sound like your DD?

www.reflux.org.au/information/common-characteristics-of-reflux/

Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 21:13

@Absofrigginlootly yes she does cry when I feed her! She's rarely physically sick but the rest of it sounds spot on. This could definitely be a possibility!

OP posts:
Happygummibear · 21/10/2018 21:25

Silent reflux was our issue too. Dd was ebf but would scream for apparently no reason, tried all the holds, peddling legs etc. We then gave her gaviscon through a bottle before each feed and it worked wonders, she would even sleep for a 4-5 hour stretch!

I had to tell my doc though that I thought it was silent reflux as it was the only thing that made sense so he gave me a prescription for the powder.

Re your dh. Working from home may help as long as he doesn't interrupt your routine and when he comes out of the office he does something useful. I.e takes dd for a walk, makes you a cup of tea, puts washing on.

From the outset I made sure DH shared duties that was an equal share to the fact I was bf. He generally does the cooking, even if I get it prepped and he does lots of other tasks. He also does a compressed week and has dd on that day which is a lovely time for then to bond without me hovering

Absofrigginlootly · 21/10/2018 21:29

My DD was never sick/vomited either. Don’t let the Dr give you gavisvon if your BF from boob only, it’s a total bastard to get into BF babies (unless you can mix it with expressed milk or formula in a bottle).... ask for a trial of ranitidine. If that doesn’t help (it should make a difference in a few days) then ask for omeprazole.

The GO may be reluctant because it’s off label but the prescription guidelines are available on the BNF website.... let me link it so you can print it off

Absofrigginlootly · 21/10/2018 21:31

Sorry that should say GP not GO

bnfc.nice.org.uk/drug/omeprazole.html

See also screen shot

Absofrigginlootly · 21/10/2018 21:32

BrewWine

He threw chocolate cake at me?
Absofrigginlootly · 21/10/2018 21:33

What’s her poo like?? Does she have any eczema? Cradle cap, baby acne? Green poo? Explosive diarrhoea?

Those were all my DDs symptoms of her cows milk and soy protein allergies

Absofrigginlootly · 21/10/2018 21:35

Have a look at your diet anyway as your BF.... chocolate, coffee, spicy food can all aggravate reflux in BF babies so you might need to cut them out for the time being

Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 21:37

@Absofrigginlootly nothing out of the ordinary poo wise, just normal gross baby poo's. Same as DS's. Nothing on her skin at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Willow789 · 21/10/2018 21:38

@Absofrigginlootly and thanks for that link/screenshot - will discuss with GP tomorrow.

OP posts:
Absofrigginlootly · 21/10/2018 21:40

Also don’t let the GP fob you off with “she’ll grow out of it”.

State clearly yes but my DD is in pain right now, we are both not sleeping. This is going to mean I stop BF. It is contributing heavily to my mental health deteriorating. It is a medical condition that needs treatment.

Some GPS can be difficult about reflux in babies. I don’t know why, they would never leave an adult in such pain (I’ve had reflux it’s bloody awful).... plus leaving it untreated can cause oesophageal ulcers and scarring which increases the risk of oesophageal cancer in later life.

Good luck tomorrow