Help needed - emotional affair with married man

[CrimsonCloverHoney]

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

I know this is all about me me me. I don't mean to come across as being so self-absorbed. My feelings mean fuck all in comparison to my child's. I never, ever want her to make the same mistakes that I have.

Yeah, 13 pages of you, not one ounce of sympathy or regret or anything for that poor woman that is his wife.

I really hope you move on from him and don't keep going back, back to what exactly OP, an ego boost from a man 26 years your senior and someone you work beside, surely there's a lot better out there for you, you should be out enjoying yourself like other 28 year olds not letting this old creep dominating your romantic nature, give it to someone who actually deserves you.

Grey rock is useful when you can’t easily avoid people and may be useful if you bump into him at work, but as you can easily avoid him no contact whatsoever would best in this situation. No need to reply to messages from him AT ALL!

A 26 year age gap at ages 28 and 54 is grim IMO! Yuck.

Don’t waste any more time on him.

WOW CCH what an enormous journey this thread has taken you on!

Already you are unrecognisable!! Good for you!

Stay strong and keep him away from you and yours - he really IS a creep and he's tearing your self esteem to pieces

You are so young!! You have your entire life ahead of you - go live it with the person who deserves your love

@Hissy yes! I agree. I hope you keep your new found self respect OP.

I feel like I'm faking the self respect until I eventually start to feel it properly. But yes, I agree - the age gap was a bit grim. I'm starting to see that now

Absolutely fake it til you make it! All the way!

I can attest to this when I got rid of my abusive ex, the new reality feels a little odd to begin with, but in a VERY short time the fog lifts and you start to see how little things are better, then bigger things then everything!

It will gradually feel more real when reality becomes more of a habit

Please read back and see what he has done to you in such a short space of time and then read the latest posts - if you can't see a difference I'll eat my hat!

... And to think I came on here to give you a piece of my mind...

I have never understood OW who feel it's appropriate to come on a parenting site where so many are shat on by men like this bloke and the women who cheat with them...

so to see how you have 'got it' and to see what a number he has done to you, i'm glad actually that we can collectively help give you the bit of a nudge and love you needed to change things

I promise, if you keep going, don't look back and stay fixed on nothing less than the happy ending you want, you will find it. Better, it will find you.

and it won't have a turkey neck or a micro penis
... or a wife...

Hissy I can already feel the fog lifting slightly, I keep having actual WTF moments when I look back at some of the things he's said when we've been together. At the time, I must have somehow registered it all as being normal but now I feel like the old me is slowly making a return.

I'm so, so grateful for you all and the help and support you've shown over the past couple of days - I never expected it to turn out this way.

Actually laughed out loud at the "it won't have a turkey neck or a micro-penis...or a wife"

@CrimsonCloverHoney Has there been much contact from him since OP?

He sent me an email at lunchtime asking if I'd blocked his number. Then another message tonight asking if this is really the end, and that he wants to at least talk things through in person. He's so used to me just running back to him that he'll think this is just another one of those times where I try to end it and then fail miserably.

Yep he's trying to tug on the string again. He's also not respecting your boundaries by bypassing your phone block, so he clearly thinks he can trundle all over you. Keep the email he sent just in case you need to report him for any reason for inappropriate behaviour.

Don’t respond. He isn’t thinking of you at all. He is only thinking of himself. You were entertaining him and now somebody has taken the remote control out of his hands.

If you're not going to block him, change his name in your phone to Turkey Neck. Then when he does message you're faced with an immediate reminder of why you're not doing this any more.

'Old man balls' is better.

I think a cheery "Fuck off and don't contact me again otherwise I'll report you to HR for harassment" should do it.

He wants to meet you so that he can manipulate you into carrying on. You've hurt his ego. This is all about him.

"Fuck off to the far side of Fuck" is also a good one.

Talking things through in person is him trying to convince you you don’t know your own mind

It’s disrespectful of your boundaries

If I were you I would say that as you’ve already said, it’s your decision that there should be no further contact, that it is over and for him to respect that and not contact you again

Then you have to block him. You really do. As much for your own protection than anything.

This is where you have to be just that little bit braver and that little bit stronger

I haven't replied but I had a weak moment earlier and nearly messaged him. I know that if I did, he would just be satisfied that he could still get my attention and would back off, leaving me feeling even lower than I already do now. This is so hard. I feel fucking pathetic.

You are not pathetic OP- you have made a mistake at a low ebb, and something about the way he treats you has filled a hole. BUT in this thread, you have realised that (you probably knew it really all along and that's why you posted) and have already started sorting it out. When you know better, you do better and you are proof of it, I think you will find it hard at first but this is more because it is a habit, and they are always hard to break. You should feel proud of yourself and even prouder when you get yourself away from him and put your own self worth at the top of your list

You're not pathetic. You're learning a new skill and it takes practice that's all.

The first time you don't reply will be hard, but you've done it now so next time won't be the first time iyswim.

Yes, it's definitely down to habit rather than there being strong feelings involved.

You said yourself, you don't see a future with him or that you want him to be your boyfriend. So it's not that you're in love with him.

If he text you now and said he's packed his bags and left his wife for you, how would you feel?
Would you welcome him with open arms?
Or would you think 'shit, I'm in my twenties, I don't want to be stuck with 50 odd year old 'old man balls'?

Well done.
Some really good answers here.
Keep strong.
It's when you feel at a low ebb.
Just be aware of that.

Each time you feel like you're about to message him, come back here and tell us instead. We can talk you out the other side of it.

Dont message him. Just think how he pathetic he is! The way he has treated you is pathetic. He knows about your weak points btw.

Don't message him. Write it all down in a notebook with the date and make a note of why you wanted to text him. You'll find it probably looks silly written down and you'll probably find your (not) messages become further apart. As you look back at them you'll probably be really relieved that you didn't send them.

If you continued messaging him and then he went cold on you (and at some point that WOULD happen), , you would feel like rubbish. Literally. It is MUCH easier when you are in control/the instigator of no contact. Trust me. x