Help needed - emotional affair with married man

[CrimsonCloverHoney]

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

You're doing so well OP!
I know how you feel, it's lovely when someone shows you attention... but this isn't the kind of attention you want or need.
If this all comes out in the wash, you're going to be the one looking dirty (as will he). You don't need that.
I can tell from your posts that you're not that kind of person.

Ugh, he's so creepy. Who does he think he is?!

I'm really not that kind of person. I don't know how this has happened, it's fucking bizarre. He must love the fact that he's been able to throw crumbs at me whenever he likes, knowing that I'll instantly go running and taking whatever I can. It makes me cringe to think how stupid and naive I've been. He must think I'm pathetic.

No I don't think he thinks you're pathetic. He's just one of those arsehole men who likes to have his ego stroked.

I don't think you're pathetic either, I've actually been proud of you (even though I don't know you at all). I've gone from calling you a hoe to actually rooting for you.
This never happens. Don't let me down OP 😉😝

How's it going with smokey joe?

Well I can't carry on the contact if it means I'm going to get the hoe treatment from you again, Groot 😂.

Smokey Joe is a non-starter. We spoke on the phone last night and he was half way through his second bottle of wine and was about to tuck into a pigeon he'd shot earlier that day 🤢. No no no.

he was half way through his second bottle of wine and was about to tuck into a pigeon he'd shot earlier that day 🤢. No no no.

That's enough MN for me today.

@CrimsonCloverHoney 😂 don't make me unleash the hoe word again!!

Erm, yeah... smokey joe definitely sounds like a non starter.. the second bottle of wine is bad enough (and I like a drink!) but shooting pigeons?! Wtf? Each to their own 😐

Doesn't mean that old man balls is the way to go though! He's not for you OP... you definitely deserve better. For sure. You actually seem very nice. Who'da thought it?! 😂

OP I’ve been where you are so often and so often replied.....why do you think I carried on the EA for ten years! At the same time the guy I truly believed I loved, met, settled down and had a child with someone else!

The same man sent me a text this very week even though I no longer respond and I have heard so many times already that he is with someone he doesn’t love. Well boohoo he chose her, not me. For years I eagerly pecked the crumbs thrown to me while he moved ion making plans with someone else (I didn’t know about her) but OP you do know so please don’t peck up the crumbs like I did x

As much as I'm trying to get myself out there again - the smoke, the alcohol and the pigeon thing is just too much, even for me. I'm a vegetarian so maybe I'm just fussy, but why on earth would you eat a pigeon? Is it just me sees them as manky fuckers that hang around Gregg's pecking at sausage roll crumbs? Fuck, I'm like a pigeon pecking after old man ball's crumbs, aren't I? What a harsh realisation for a Tuesday morning.

I'm so frustrated reading this!! Come on girl.....see the old man balls and manipulation for what they are.

Be on your own, get a hobby, spend time with your daughter. Get on with it!!

To my shame OP, I have been in your situation before. I felt unbelievable guilt for his wife. I know why I did it, I wanted to feel needed and cared for. I wanted to feel love and be loved. I settled for something no-one in their right mind would do. OP, I can categorically state that you are not in your right mind.

I don't mean you are mad, far from it. I do perceive you have been groomed. So many ticks - abusive family, single mum, past relationships with unsuitable partners.

A lot of the other posters are shaking their heads going 'why doesn't she go? where is her self respect? It's very difficult to put into words how this kind of behaviour makes it so difficult to leave. For want of a better word, you have become addicted to him and that addiction needs to be broken.

Yes, he is a cheating abuser. You need time and space to heal. It will get easier with time, I promise you. Baby steps. Well done on going NC . Now for blocking, deleting and ignoring. It may be prudent to change jobs.

Pidgeon man? Yeah - that was a lie OP.

Renarde what do you mean?

Oh that old guff about 'wine and the pigeon'. That's all part of the facade. Trouble is; it didn't work on you :-) Does he own a pair of red trousers?

Thing is OP, you are incredibly vulnerable right now. You're extricating yourself from an abuser and you will be vulnerable to other abusers.

I get the need for distraction, but you are very vulnerable, so I'm worrying too that it has plusses but that the minuses for you, could knock you too far down.

You need to block his email/phone etc and go cold turkey

yes it will be hard, but that's what we are here for.

Ask Renard about her book! That will keep you busy

joking aside, you need to find something that takes you away from your phone/email and somewhere that is good for the soul.

do you swim? that could be a good shout for you..

(((hug to Renarde1975)))

Okay so you need to change jobs, or you can report him to HR to force him to stay away from you.

At this point you gotta get real about it.

Op... OK so you broke nc... No big deal, pick yourself up and start again.
Today is nc #2
Remember no new contact=no new hurt.

Love shack. Org has great suppotive threads for people doing nc after affairs. I got so much support there. Lots of people seem to trip up and start again so your not a lone.

There's a lot of very hard line advice on the relationships board about blocking immediately, going no contact etc. And while that is undoubtedly the healthiest and fastest way to get over someone, the force with which it is expounded can often end up making an OP feel even more hopeless when they slip up.

But it's not a big deal - so you slipped up. Never mind. Try again tomorrow. Keep trying. Keep heading in the right direction and in time, you're going to feel a million times better about this. It's ok if you feel sad at the moment or have moments of weakness. Accept them and let them pass.

You can do this!

I've been in your position too. She loved the fact he could control me and get a thrill out of it. People are wierd.

A thrill out of seeing someone spin because of them. Woohoo. It's a bit sad really. I feel sorry for her now.

Come on OP, spill the beans, I've just seen you on the limerance thread, what went wrong?

I crumbled and I met him for drinks on Thursday. I had a really shit week (no excuse) and I was fully craving his attention and company, I couldn't resist any longer. I know he's hardly a catch and it's not him that I can't resist - it's the feeling I'm addicted to. When I was with him, everything seemed to make sense again and I felt secure and wanted again. I know how pathetic it all sounds but I'm really struggling. I can't deal with the no contact thing. I'm suffering even more now though because he's done his usual thing of not contacting me again.

Apologies for wasting your time and effort trying to support me. I feel like I'm a lost cause.

No you are NOT! Stop that young lady !
Let me give you a statistic. It takes on average about seven times before the average person can fully get out and remain out.

I met the love of my life last year. It ended Nov 17. It's taken me a year to go fully NC and get to the point were I'm ok with it on an emotional level. I still love him. I still think about him but it's ok. I accept he cannot be part of my life.
He loves my energy, narc supply, but he is not capable of loving me the way I need to be loved.
You will be ok. Give yourself time. Remember, you are very special.

Renarde how did you get to the point where you accepted that he can't be part of your life? Is cold turkey really the only answer?

I'm afraid it is. Complete and utter no contact. This must be removed from all areas if your life AND remove any way if him contacting you.

The guy is an abuser. He will continue to do that if you allow it. He hasn't devalued you that I can perceive so you're operating as a secondary source. In addition to the primary there will be other secondaries. Perhaps another couple with one on the shelf as well.
In that case, it could go on for years.
How did I do it? By reading and educating myself. I'm a writer so I started writing a book on my experiences. Finally, I realised I had too much going on in other areas and I couldn't deal with the Hoover's any more. There wasn't any space.
Thus hasn't fully stopped him. He accessed another social media profile about a week ago.
He's did that to let me know he's about still and thinking of me.

Crimson

This IS going to be difficult for you, you do need to understand that.

Right now you are making excuses to justify meeting this awful married man.

Like has been said repeatedly, you’ve now given him another chance to pick you up when he feels like it and drop.

Take charge of your life, block him, bin the number and get on with things.

You have set yourself back, so it will be start at square one. Remind yourself of this each time you wobble

The only person you’re letting down is yourself. You’re worth more than that.