Help needed - emotional affair with married man

[CrimsonCloverHoney]

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

That's very true, it is all about breaking the habit rather than actual feelings. Honestly, if he told me that he had packed his bags and was leaving his wife for me then I would freak the fuck out - there's no way in hell I want to be lumped with him. I'm going to a new exercise class tonight and I'm going to focus on losing weight (for me) and getting fit. I'm not going to lie, I actually typed out a message to him about an hour ago and then gave myself a talking to. Sleepless nights with a poorly young dd aren't helping - I don't know what planet I'm on today.

I think if you already suffer from anxiety and depression to some extent the 'withdrawal' you get is very real. You aren't getting that flood of hormones that brings your mood up.

You sound very lonely OP. Do you have much support from your family and friends?

Don’t message him, the sooner contact stops the better for you.

I have very little family but have some good friends. I've told 2 of them about this but they don't know the extent of how I'm feeling. I wouldn't say I'm lonely but this whole thing with him has definitely made me feel isolated mentally.

Hi OP,

I’ve not read the whole thread because of the whole derailing thing about the other poster with two boyfriends but wanted to respond to you.

Firstly I think perhaps you would benefit from some counselling? Reading between the lines and from what you’ve said, you had an unhappy childhood and this man is fulfilling a need in you. He’s an older man, he’s unobtainable, he makes you feel special, and he’s possessive. If you look at your relationship with your dad, I wonder if you can draw parallels between what you’ve got caught up in and damage from that time on your life? Playing out something with him because he makes you feel safe perhaps, though at the same time you hate it and know it’s wrong, but those wounds from childhood are affecting your present. You’ve already said how hard it’s made relationships previously. Having a child as well and being a single parent just makes it all the harder for you because we all want to be taken care of and being a single parent, that never happens I’m guessing as it all falls to you, all of the time.

I’m not going to judge you for what you’re doing, but I can tell it’s making you unhappy and I think you know it has to change. This guy will be fine, possibly not the first time he’s done this and likely not the last if you end it with him. And you will meet someone decent in time I’m sure, but he isn’t that person, and even if he weren’t married his possessive behaviour is a bit of a red flag. He wants to have his cake and eat it, wanting you to be exclusive to him whilst keeping his marriage.

I know you’ve already likely thought about the impact on his wife and kids, which would be horrendous, so I’m not going to bang on about that.

I hope you can end it and seek what you need from life OP to be fully happy. It’s time to pick your road ahead and stick to it now though without looking back.

How you getting on OP?

Been thinking about you OP. How you getting on?

It's been really hard but I'm feeling stronger than I did this time last week. On Wednesday we had to exchange emails for work and he was putting smiles on the end of them - I think to try and get a reaction. He's pathetic.

Last night I went on a date with someone my own age. It went really well and I laughed a lot, but he smokes. Am I being too picky considering I've spent the last 6 months lusting over a married (almost) pensioner?

Harry have up cigs for Megan. Just saying 😀 On a serious note, keep having fun. Don’t settle for second best.

I’m so pleased to hear you are moving on. I hope you continue to grow stronger x

• gave up!!!

Yay! Well done OP, really pleased to hear you're feeling stronger and getting yourself out there.

In regards to the smoking, it wouldn't bother me much but I'm a former smoker myself.
Maybe just see how things go, sounds like you had a good time with him.

Think of the date as a rebound guy or a little bit of fun (you deserve it). Worry about the smoking later.

It's a good distraction but I kinda feel guilty for him. If he knew what I'd been doing then he'd run a mile and here's me not liking the fact that he smokes hmm we'll see what happens. I'm just relieved that I feel healthier and less attached to old man balls.

The hmm was meant to be the

If you couldn't kiss a smoker then don't do it!

Do you have any respect for yourself at all? If you do, walk away. Read some of the other threads where people have been cheated on. How can you date a married man and not think for once about his wife and children.

RTFT dear. She did walk away.

*Think of the date as a rebound guy
*
That's horrible advice. What about the respect the date deserves?

I've fucked up . I saw him today and I've fallen for it all over again. I'm my own worst enemy.

What do you mean? What happened?

He sent me an email after I saw him saying that it was good to see me and that he misses my company. I've had a really shit day and feel really low and instead of ignoring the email I replied. I didn't tell him that I missed him too but I still replied which triggered more emails and left me feeling like I miss him and want to see him. Now he's gone cold and quiet on me again and I'm left feeling crazy and needy. Fuck.

So send him another email telling him not to send anything that isn't relevant to work. Then go cold and quiet on him. You've got to be tough.

No no no no no no no. Don't fall into this trap. Think of the old man balls!!!

Seriously, this won't make you feel better in the morning. You're wasting your time.
It won't make you feel good. It will make him feel good, not you.
Don't be so easily played.
He 'misses you'... yeah right. He'll be in bed with his wife soon... he won't be missing you then.

I totally agree with op, send an email stating that all communications should be purely professional and if not you'll have no choice but to approach HR.

You can do this OP... he'll feel like he has power over you if you give in now.. all he has to do is send a crappy email and you're his? Nah.

OP, I really feel for you. You've done brilliantly to get as far as you have with stopping contact. You've slipped up today - never mind. You've compared this to an addiction; maybe look at today as being similar to a quitting-smoker caving in and having a fag. It doesn't mean you can't stop contact again. He really does sound dreadful and from experience these personalities can be very manipulative. I believe you are worth so much more

I'm not going to contact him again tonight. Tomorrow, when I'm (hopefully) feeling stronger, I'll email him and say that the contact has to stop altogether if it's not regarding work.

I'm not giving in. I can't go down that shitty road again. I feel like he's got the power all over again but luckily my emails haven't been a true reflection of how I'm actually feeling - they were quite snappy and to the point but it's still throwing attention his way I suppose.