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Original poster

Help needed - emotional affair with married man

494 replies

CrimsonCloverHoney · 19/10/2018 10:46

For the past few months, I've been involved with a married man from work (a man who is considerably older than me). It's never gone any further than kissing and is very much an emotional affair - he's told me that he's in love with me and I'm sort of unsure as to whether I feel the same way or whether it's limerance/infatuation. I know I'm going to get flamed for this and I don't expect any sympathy but I'm in a really shit situation and I feel desperate for advice or just people to talk to who don't know me.

I'm still young, a single mother, but I find myself obsessing over him and waiting (forever waiting) for his next call or text. I see him once or twice a week outside work and I find myself wishing my week away so that I can fast-forward to seeing him. I crave the attention and the feeling I get when I'm with him. But as soon as I'm not with him I feel dreadful and at times, I've felt suicidal and like I can't see the point in carrying on. Before I got involved with him I was generally OK, despite some anxiety issues, but I never felt the way I do now.

We've ended it a few times and I always go running back. I've dated other people at the same time but they never compare, and I find myself hoping that the dates I go on are bad so that I don't have to end this affair. How fucked up?

I don't know what I'm asking for here. I just need to talk and hear opinions from people who aren't inside the mess that is my head. Sorry if this thread offends anyone - it's not my intention.

OP posts:
Catsatrophe · 22/10/2018 20:17

And just how old is he? Late forties is my guess.

Original poster
CrimsonCloverHoney · 22/10/2018 20:17

That last post made no sense in certain parts but I think you understand what I'm saying.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrimsonCloverHoney · 22/10/2018 20:20

Catsatrophe he's not management or above me in any way. He has no control in that aspect of my life. He's 54 Blush

OP posts:
Catsatrophe · 22/10/2018 20:23

Hmm. Creep.

Is he really handsome and sexy or a wrinkly creep with doe eyes?

Kissing is sex btw

IAmGrootGrootGroot · 22/10/2018 20:30

Ah come on! You're taking the biscuit now.
He will be 60 in a few years, picking up his pension a few more after that. You're so young! You've got so much living to do! Don't waste your life on that old fool.
Yuck.
He's really taking advantage of you.
Dirty old git.

Sorry, but I was picturing a guy in his late 30's, maybe early 40's.

Just think of his old man balls.

IAmGrootGrootGroot · 22/10/2018 20:31

@Catsatrophe kissing isn't sex 

MrsElbaTheSecond · 22/10/2018 20:33

OP can I just say I’m in a similarish situation to you and the way you have described your feelings of infatuation/addiction to this man make complete sense to me. I could have written almost word for word the emotional impact that my own relationship with a selfish manipulative man-child has had on me and the reasons why I hang on in there despite knowing he’s a twunt are similar to the reasons you’ve cited.

I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in feeling the way you have been. Doesn’t make it any easier but hopefully makes you feel less down on yourself about it. There are others of us out there feeling trapped in the way that you were.

But, all that said, you’ve done amazingly well tonight and I’d really really urge you to stick to your guns and take all the steps you can to build a better happier life for you and your DC. I’m a lot older than you are and you have so much life ahead of you yo grab without this loser holding you back. Go girl!

Original poster
CrimsonCloverHoney · 22/10/2018 20:38

Groot maybe his old man balls are the reason why he was reluctant to take things any further. I find him attractive but I can't say I was looking forward to seeing him naked. His neck was a big give away. Oh fuck. The fog is clearing.

OP posts:
EvePolastriSorryBaby · 22/10/2018 20:40

Turkey neck?

Original poster
CrimsonCloverHoney · 22/10/2018 20:43

MrsElba thank you for sharing, I'm just sorry to hear that you're in this situation too. I'm definitely going to stick to my guns and break free from this addiction. If I can do it then anyone can.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrimsonCloverHoney · 22/10/2018 20:44

Definite turkey neck. Gobble gobble.

OP posts:
NumbNutss · 22/10/2018 20:48

Gobble gobbleGrin

IAmGrootGrootGroot · 22/10/2018 20:51

@CrimsonCloverHoney 😂 you go girl.
I bet he couldn't believe his luck that someone like you was interested in him!

Dig deep and find your confidence!

I'm not ageist btw, before anyone starts, and I have no issue with an age gap (my OH is ten years older than me!)
But my god, this guy is having his cake and eating it too!
He's just using you to make himself feel good whilst making you feel shit in the process.

WasFatNowThin · 22/10/2018 21:24

I think you've done yourself proud OP!

LimpyLampy · 22/10/2018 22:20

OP keep this thread for when you feel weak as a reminder.

My ‘addiction guy’ was also older than me and it went on for more than ten years! Such a huge waste of those years for me. I remember writing down facts about his lies. Every time he sent me a mai, I’d look at what I had written when I was at my strongest and it would kill any urge I had to reply to him because make no mistake it is easy to reply, to let it continue. It takes much more strength to stop. ‘My’ man got another contact address because his girlfriend found the messages he had written me. I felt sick in my stomach when he told me. Even though she moved on from it, I still feel sorry for her being stuck with such a manipulative man who tells such heartfelt lies. Or maybe she didn’t give a damn because he is very wealthy and if so they are made for one another!

penisbeakers · 22/10/2018 22:31

Well done for making the clean break. Him wanting to keep messaging you was purely for wank material and ego boosting. Stupid shitkettle.

God I hope his wife finds out and boots him out.

Catsatrophe · 22/10/2018 23:25

Kissing is sex for a predator when he can't get it up.

He definitely imagines shagging the op when he's alone. The creep has a grubby mind.

No doubt he pleasures himself in the work toilets/when he's having sex with his wife.

Delightful.

Original poster
CrimsonCloverHoney · 23/10/2018 09:13

Limpy in those 10 years did you have a partner as well? Thankfully it's only been 6 months for me but it would have gone on for much longer if I'd not felt as low as I did the other day and posted this thread. It's like I enjoy hitting the self-destruct button. I've ignored a message from him today 😬 it's so hard but I'm already feeling a little bit stronger.

OP posts:
MaryJenson · 23/10/2018 09:17

I think it’s incredibly insulting to call this man a predator tbh.

Is this just because he’s older? They’re both adults so it’s not only insulting to him but the OP too. I hate this ‘predator vs weak young woman’ attitude people have in this situation. I’m sure the OP did her fair share of flirting and giving him the come on.

We are strong women who make our own choices.

Original poster
CrimsonCloverHoney · 23/10/2018 09:21

Mary I don't agree with the predator thing either. Or that kissing is sex Hmm. Chose to ignore.

OP posts:
bagpiss · 23/10/2018 09:50

"I answered his call and told him that I need to move on and this has to stop. He was unusually nice and understanding but said he doesn't want to lose me completely and asked whether we can still message each other without any face-to-face meet ups. I said no, there's no point. It needs to be a clean break. "
Op of course he's being nice and understanding, probably because he's really worried you're going to rock the nice comfy family boat.
You're doing really well and there's some great advice here for you.
Be strong, be brave and block completely as soon as you can. Then just 'grey rock' if he does manage to contact you.
You're worth more than this, (his poor family certainly deserve better) but, in a little while you will hopefully think 'wtf was I thinking'

LimpyLampy · 23/10/2018 09:57

Crimson No I never really moved on while in contact with him. I had dates, short flings, that sort of thing.

auraaura · 23/10/2018 10:19

It is all about feelings. He is giving you something that inside you should be providing yourself. He is exposing a vulnerability. He is probably loving the fact that you can't live without him. It's what these people do. They do it for the ego boost. Cut contact. It will hurt as you are addicted to the good feelings he provides. Try and give yourself these good feelings. If that makes sense. But it won't end well. Even if he leaves his wife and you live together forever. You won't. You'll be fine without him.

Original poster
CrimsonCloverHoney · 23/10/2018 11:15

bagpiss I've never heard the term 'grey rock' before but just had a google - very interesting. Think I'm going to need some practice. Usually when he messages I reply almost instantly. It's fucking embarrassing, really. Jeez.

OP posts:
bagpiss · 23/10/2018 12:59

Don't berate yourself too much, although your situation is very wrong at least you're realising and choosing to fix it now rather than it becoming a big mess anytime soon-which it will because I guess most affairs never work out.
.
I had to use the grey rock with an ex toxic close friend, it's hard but now after a year I have no contact and no issues. -or drama, the relief!
.
We all live and learn op, don't be manipulated and hopefully you can stay cool calm, in control and move on.