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Original poster

DP not happy with pregnancy

190 replies

BigfluffybearBum · 18/10/2018 15:30

I'm 25 weeks pregnant. The pregnancy was a shock but we were both happy I thought. Last night I asked DP had he thought about names and he said he hasn't got any ideas. I jokingly told him to sound more enthusiastic and he replied with 'well the baby was hardly planned so I've never thought about names'. I asked him if he was happy with the pregnancy and he said 'well I wasn't at first but I acted happy for you'. I'm actually gutted he's not happy about this. I know it was a shock but I'm now 25 weeks gone and obviously pregnant so i thought his feelings would be more positive by now.

OP posts:
JessieLemon · 28/10/2018 12:30

What a mess. You’re lying to your son, are you ever planning to come clean? You can’t keep up the pretence forever (medical issues, inheritance issues, if friend gets a new partner, if he gets older and expects your friend to contribute financially). How do you think he’s gonna feel when he realises his ‘dad’ is just a friend of his mother’s, who didn’t think to correct the lie?

What on earth possessed you to stay quiet when your friend made that decision in front of you to pretend to be his dad!? That’s astonishing, the boundaries he stepped over to decide to tell a child that without your agreement or discussion.

JingsMahBucket · 28/10/2018 12:38

@JessieLemon back off. There's no need to kick the OP while she's down right now.

Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/10/2018 12:44

I'm not discussing my son's conception on here. The thread is about my current situation

OP posts:
JessieLemon · 28/10/2018 12:48

Fair enough Big, you certainly have a lot on your plate. Did your new baby’s father know about this? Putting the pieces together I can see why someone would hold back from really committing to a girlfriend if they were unwilling to let the person move in (after a decent length of time) and be part of the family, and maybe was uneasy about the deception/what’s going on between you and this friend. It all sounds quite messy and like you’ve held him at arm’s length, I can understand why but on the other hand I can see why your partner might have been unwilling or unable to really commit 100% to the relationship. And I bet he’s been trying to force himself to be okay with it since the pregnancy as you can’t undo conception (did you discuss whether either of you wanted to continue the pregnancy or terminate?).

LakeIsle48 · 28/10/2018 13:01

OP congratulations! Hope you are feeling well. I think you should talk to him. Stop listening to everyone else. He might turn out to be a great dad. Give him a chance.

So he didn't react well, We don't always do. Don't deprive your baby of a father or your DS of a male friend of the family.

Listen to him and don't let your previous experiences cloud your judgement. I've been a lone parent and it's tough. At the very least he may shape up for his new baby. Worst case he doesn't but stop pre judging the next 20 years. You have a chance of working something out. Stop panicking and talk and more importantly listen to him.

Lollypop701 · 28/10/2018 13:23

Your Dp has panicked. Not great but unplanned pregnancies can do this. You have been having fun for 2 years... he’s not had any responsibility, and if he’d moved in that wouldn’t have changed anything really, as you would have looked after your ds anyway. His baby is going to change that. you’ve been very quick to decide you’re done? How committed to him were/are you? Or is this dump him before he dumps me? You are having a child with him, so hopefully he’s not going anywhere, although you seem to be holding your friend as a backstop...not on the cards right now??? , and ds thinks he’s his df. I’d suggest couples counselling with Dp, keep communications open and see where you get too. You can very obviously cope without him, but do you want to? Or do you want to give it a chance? Good luck op

dirtybadger · 28/10/2018 13:29

People often say a baby is throwing a bomb into a relationship.

Given that, if you do stay together, it seems at least like a bad idea to move in together whilst things are rocky and unsure and you can't rely on him. And....after he has pretty much said he didn't see it as a serious relationship!

I'm not even sure if OP is in a position to give him "another chance"....He has said he thought it was just a bit of fun. So another chance at what? FWB?

chestylarue52 · 28/10/2018 13:48

@SalemBlackCat4

My parents are married and live a few streets away from each other and are blissfully happy. Very outing but who cares. You don’t get to be the boss of who’s in a ‘real relationship’ and who isn’t.

Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/10/2018 14:23

I knew I was keeping the baby as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Termination was not an option for me. Why should I give him another chance? He's made it clear I'm just a shag and I want more than that

OP posts:
Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/10/2018 14:25

Also I'm not keeping my friend in the background. He's supportive and were attracted to each other. We nearly got together some years ago but didn't.

OP posts:
ciderhouserules · 28/10/2018 16:30

Op this is your life, no one else's. If you want to keep the baby and raise it in a single parent family, no one should judge you.

If your friend has misled your ds with your knowledge, that's up to you.

If you no longer trust your dP then that is your affair. He is the one who needs to regain your trust, if indeed he wants to, or can.

Good luck. You sound sensible and well-adjusted and don't let anyone on here decide that you need to do anything different.

SalemBlackCat4 · 28/10/2018 18:09

Sorry, I agree with JessieLemon. Unless your friend is truly the father of your eldest, why would he say such a thing to your DS? That would only confuse your DS and make things worse when he learns the truth, that he is not his father. If your friend is not the father and knows who is, all the more reason he shouldn't lie! He has just gone and confused your DS.

SalemBlackCat4 · 28/10/2018 18:13

So you didn't want to move in with your boyfriend of 2 years because of your son, but thought it ok for some strange man (to your son) to say he is his father? That's more than a bit contradictory and back to front. I wish you well, but lying to a child's face about their paternity is a special kind of evil imo and does nothing but confuse the poor child. I have no doubt you mean well, but you sound quite mixed up and confused. If some guy (even a friend I knew for years) said to my son he was the father, I would be so furious that the guy would be out of my house so fast his head would bounce. Because that is simply hurting the boy, not helping him.

SalemBlackCat4 · 28/10/2018 18:16

@chestylarue52 Then they are separated then. And not 'happily married'. A married couple live together, unless there are unusual circumstances where they can't, such as deployment or job reasons. No happily married couple lives a few streets away. A couple marries because they want to be together. Living apart kinda contradicts that. It defeats the entire purpose.

Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/10/2018 18:26

I'm not discussing my son's conception or paternity the thread is about that. Thank you for the supportive comments and advice

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat4 · 28/10/2018 18:37

Fair enough, no one said you should, but someone lying to your son about being their father is evil and cruel - on so many levels. You wouldn't allow your DP of 2 years to move in - because of your son. BUT it is ok for a random guy to tell your son he is the father? Surely you see how contradictory and harmful that is to your poor son? It's not about the paternity. It's about the deception, the confusion and the harm that would be done to your eldest son.

Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/10/2018 18:40

Have a day off Salem

OP posts:
ciderhouserules · 29/10/2018 09:33

A married couple live together, unless there are unusual circumstances where they can't, - fuck off, Salem.

You don't get to say what is a 'happy marriage' - not everyone lives together in the same house. Or even in the same street - they can be as happily married as someone who lives in the same house. If not more so - everyone needs their own space and if they can afford to run 2 houses (as in my own case) then why live together and possibly spoil it.
Even the Queen has her own apartments in her palaces ! Lucky her.

ciderhouserules · 29/10/2018 09:58

someone lying to your son about being their father is evil and cruel - on so many levels. Salem, the OP has said that she is going to divulge the details of her Ds1 conception. It doesn't take a huge leap to figure that he was probably NOT conceived in a loving relationship, and that the father is probably not on the Birth Cert. Think a little further and one would think maybe the OP doesn't even know who the inseminator was, for whatever reason. So she would not be able to pass on 'medical history' and wouldn't know about 'inheritance issues' etc. Have a little empathy?

And again, if OP is happy enough for her ds to consider the 'friend' to be more than that, who are you to sneer? It may not be ideal, but it happens, for reasons.

JessieLemon · 29/10/2018 12:19

Salem, the OP has said that she is going to divulge the details of her Ds1 conception. It doesn't take a huge leap to figure that he was probably NOT conceived in a loving relationship, and that the father is probably not on the Birth Cert. Think a little further and one would think maybe the OP doesn't even know who the inseminator was, for whatever reason.

Divulge to who? I don’t get the impression OP has any plan to tell her son the truth from what she’s written. And she made it clear she won’t discuss it here so I think you’ve misunderstood.

OP has also said she definitely doesn’t know who the father is.

ciderhouserules · 29/10/2018 13:07

Apols - should have said 'OP is NOT going to divulge'. And why should she? It's not unknown for a parent to not know or to not divulge, for their own reasons. To take a swipe at OP becuase she didn't stop her friend from stepping into the 'father' role, for whatever reasons, is low.

JessieLemon · 29/10/2018 13:50

Ah I see! Sorry, didn’t realise it was a typo.

pudding21 · 29/10/2018 14:17

OP has clearly said she doesn't know who the father of DS1 is, so not sure why people are pressing this issue, she has also said she doens't want to talk about it on here, so back off!

bigfluffy you got this, you have done it once, you can do it again. In the meantime, it might make him shape up and decide that actually you are what he wants longer term. You seem to have your head screwed on, and congratulations on your pregnancy.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/10/2018 16:34

Sorry you are going through this OP.
But you sound really strong and you seem to know what you want here.
You won't put up with his shite either!
Good on you.
Ignore the idiots on here and focus on you and your DC.
It's not often you see someone so strong on here.
Respect!!!

BackToTheFuschia7 · 29/10/2018 16:53

Op, no matter what happens I’m sure you will be fine with your son and lovely new baby Flowers

You have your head screwed on and aren’t willing to be messed around. Good for you. Ignore Salem , who is not the authority on what is/ is not a serious relationship. His message about fun etc is what I’d expect after a fling, not two years.

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